M*A*S*H (TV Series)
The Abduction of Margaret Houlihan (1976)
Alan Alda: Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce
Photos
Quotes
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Maj. Frank Burns : I know I'm a real asset.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : You're only off by two letters.
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Colonel Flagg : You were insanely jealous of her engagement. You were furious at being rejected. You were capable of murder!
Hawkeye : That's right! So you hit her over the head with a blunt instrument.
B.J. : A saxophone.
Hawkeye : Then you hypnotized her and told her she was Johnny Ray.
B.J. : Then you performed plastic surgery on her, made her look like Johnny.
Hawkeye : The rest is obvious. You stuck her in a trunk, you mailed her to Las Vegas, and now she's doing two shows a night at The Sands.
B.J. : Three on Saturdays.
Colonel Flagg : There's only one flaw in that theory.
Hawkeye : Only one?
Colonel Flagg : They don't do three shows a night on Saturday at The Sands.
Hawkeye : How do you know?
Colonel Flagg : I was a showgirl for six weeks.
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Hawkeye : Frank, stop acting like a sniveling idiot!
Maj. Frank Burns : I'm not acting!
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Hawkeye : [referring to Col. Flagg who just jumped through a window] The Wind just broke its leg.
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Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : What happened?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut : Hopalong Ferret Face just shot me in the leg!
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Colonel Flagg : I have no home. I am the wind.
Hawkeye : [to BJ] I told you he was the wind. You said he was the stars.
B.J. : No, I said he was the moon.
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Colonel Flagg : If you don't close your eyes, I won't leave.
[everyone closes and covers their eyes]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Bye!
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut : See ya!
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Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : [about Flagg's plan] Why stop there? Why don't we just drop an atomic bomb.
Colonel Flagg : Hey, don't try to make friends with me.
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Colonel Flagg : If it weren't for war you wouldn't know what peace is.
B.J. : He's got a point there.
Hawkeye : Yeah, it's under his hat.
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Colonel Flagg : That's insubordination. You do that to me one more time and I'm entitled to...
[checks his notebook]
Colonel Flagg : bite off your left ear. Just food for thought.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : He's not bluffing. He got Van Gogh.
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Colonel Flagg : Alert the Navy for offshore artillery. I want a squadron of copters for air-to-ground search and, uh, round up a box of scorpions. About a dozen.
Radar : You mean, uh, scorpions scorpions?
Colonel Flagg : Big ones.
Hawkeye : What the hell are you gonna do with a box of scorpions?
Colonel Flagg : It's personal. Gift for a friend.
[Radar begins to leave]
Colonel Flagg : Corporal. If you can't find scorpions, get two snakes and a rat.
Radar : And a rat. Right, right.
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Colonel Flagg : Listen, Pinko. You're my prime suspect. Isn't it true that you had a torrid relationship with Major Houlihan?
Maj. Frank Burns : No, Sir.
Colonel Flagg : You wanna see the films?
Maj. Frank Burns : Films?
Hawkeye : I'll get the popcorn.
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Colonel Flagg : I can find anything.
Hawkeye : Can you find my virginity? I lost it twenty years ago and haven't seen it since.
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Col. Potter : How bad is it?
Hawkeye : Superficial. Fortunately, Frank's as good a marksman as he is a surgeon.
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Maj. Frank Burns : [to Potter] Sir, I just don't feel like I'm doing enough.
Hawkeye : You're doing fine. It's only 10:00, and you've already shot a doctor.
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Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Did you look in her tent?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly : Yeah.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : So have I, but she keeps catching me.