Married... with Children (TV Series)

Scared Single (1993)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Heidi : Mr. Bundy, where it says "Name", do you want mine?

  Al : Uh no, just a simple naked photo will do.

• Al Bundy : Peg. Bud. Man, do I have good news!

  Peggy Bundy : Al, aren't you forgetting someone?

  [a delirious Kelly sits quietly on the couch] 

  Al Bundy : Aw, Peg! She's nuts!

  Peggy Bundy : Nuts or not, she is still our daughter.

  Al Bundy : Oh, all right, Peg!

  [to Kelly] 

  Al Bundy : Hi, Pumpkin.

  [Kelly doesn't answer] 

  Al Bundy : Isn't that cute? I used to call her Pumpkin, now she is one.

• Men at the mall lounge : [singing]  My wife will never cook or clean/ Still my money's spent/ Who knew when I first chose my mate/ That she would put on *that* much weight/ More sex we'd like for sure/ If it only weren't with her/ Please K-I-L-L K-I-L-L me me me.

  Al Bundy : That's the marryin' man's fight song, son. Well, that and Taps.

• Al : I've seen her from the front, I've seen her from the back. / I've seen her in a chair, I've seen her in a sack. / I've seen her stand, I've seen her crouch. / I've seen her on her stupid couch. / I do not like her in the mall, I do not like her in the hall. / I do not like her in my life, I do not like my big red wife.

• Al : The job has already been filled by someone far more qualified.

  Heidi : Mr. Bundy, where it says "Date", do you want his name or where we went?

  Al : That's Heidi. She's dumb as toast, but I'd kill for her. And I'd start with you.

• [Al comes home from work and sits beside Peggy sitting on the living room couch watching TV as usual] 

  Al : Hi, Peg.

  [to the TV set] 

  Al : Hi, Oprah.

  [to Peggy] 

  Al : You know, Peg, I made a mistake. This morning, before I left here, I thought that all women were totally useless. Now I realize it was just you. I thought that all men were destined to marry the worst possible mate, but now I realize it was just me.

  Peggy Bundy : Oh, hi Al. I didn't hear you. I was watching Oprah.

  Al : That's alright, Peg. I was talking to Oprah. But you know what I'm going to do now, Peg? I'm going to live the life I should've had, vicariously through Aaron. I'm going to live my sports life through him. I'm going to have dinner through him. And, if he'll let me, I'm even going to have sex through him.

  Peggy Bundy : Oh, hi Al. I didn't hear you. I was watching Oprah.

  Al : If only Oprah were on when I said "I do".

• Al Bundy : Al Bundy: all class, all the time.

  Aaron : Wait a second. Al Bundy, the All-State Al Bundy?

  Al Bundy : I was.

  Aaron : I thought you died in 'Nam.

  Al Bundy : Well, uh, actually, I, uh, started that rumor. See, I died here at home, victim of Agent Red.

• Peggy Bundy : Al, there's something strange on your face.

  Al : It's called smile, Peg. But don't worry. I'm not taking it home with me.

• Aaron : Al Bundy, do you know what a hero you are to me?

  Al Bundy : I presume you're referring to my four touchdowns in one game.

  Aaron : That and the four holes you drilled into the walls of the girls' locker room.

  Al Bundy : For years, I didn't think women had heads.

• Al , Aaron : [singing the Polk High anthem]  Oh, Polk you're the best of the schools/ for you will always cheer/ By day we learn to read and write/ By night our team will fight fight fight/ No matter were we are/ we'll always give a ho-rah!/ For P-O-L-K P-O-L-K Polk Polk Polk!

  Aaron : Hi! Aaron Mitchell, class of '93.

  Al : Al Bundy, all class all the time.