Norm MacDonald: Norm Henderson

Quotes 

• Danny Sanchez : [talking to Taylor whom is watching a soap opera on TV]  I don't know how you women watch these things; I mean, the story lines are so preposterous.

  Norm Henderson : Oh, hey, Danny,

  [reading off a piece of paper] 

  Norm Henderson : you're crack-addicted hermaphrodite client finally found her biological mother in a Spanish prison. She-she needs to reschedule.

• Max Denby : Hey, Norm, ah, you know, in order to get some respect from everybody around here, I think it would be a very good idea if I could start each morning with ah, ah compliment from you.

  Norm Henderson : All right, sir, well, ah... ah, let me think...

  [scratches his head] 

  Norm Henderson : Ah, well, compared to Hitler, sir...

  Max Denby : [cuts him off, waving his hands "no"]  Ah! Ah!

• Tony DiBenedetto : Ow! Hey! Look at this guy!

  [picking up Wiener Dog] 

  Tony DiBenedetto : Hey, hey! How you doing there little fella? Huh? Hey

  [to Denby] 

  Tony DiBenedetto : I hear you hired someone with no thumbs and three-inch legs. I'm glad we're finally hiring the disabled around here. So, ah, where is this courageous mess?

  [kissing and hugging the dog] 

  Norm Henderson : Well, ah, right now you're sexually harrassing him, sir.

  Tony DiBenedetto : The dog? You dumb huckleberry! Don't tell me you hired a god!

  Max Denby : Well, I-I-I-I-I didn't know he was a dog at the time.

  Tony DiBenedetto : Oh, that's funny! I picked up on it right away!

  [sarcastically] 

• Max Denby : Norm! What is your dog doing at work?

  Norm Henderson : Sir, remember when you, ah, told us to keep an eye out for Level I Clarical Assistant?

  Max Denby : Do-do, don't tell me you hired Wiener Dog.

  Norm Henderson : Well, you know, sir, technically you did when you signed this authorization form. Remember? You encouraged us to find somebody with a disability.

  Max Denby : [reads the piece of paper]  Applicant has no thumbs, three-inch legs, and speaks absolutely no English. This, this, this, this is atrocious; he's fired, he's fi - get rid of him! Get rid of him now!

  Norm Henderson : Come on, sir, you can't fire Wiener Dog, there. He's a good man.

  Max Denby : Why? Watch me.

  Laurie Freeman : Well, sir, actually sir, as crazy as it sounds, you really can't fire him; if you terminate a worker with no notice, the union automatically files a grievance.

  Max Denby : I-I-I, I can't fire a dog?

  Danny Sanchez : This is great! If we hire a new drug counselor, can I get my hermit crab?

  Taylor Clayton : I have a gold fish I've been trying to get in the government for years.

  [Danny laughs] 

  Max Denby : STOP! STOP all of you!

  Laurie Freeman : Well, I'm afraid it says right here, sir

  [pointing to a place in a union handbook] 

  Laurie Freeman : before you fire anyone, you have to state the specific problem and then give them two weeks to improve their performance.

  Max Denby : [faces Wiener Dog]  Hello, Wiener Dog, I, ah, am sorry to say that I'm unhappy with your job performance; you got two weeks to improve your typing skills and learn to talk!