Roseanne (TV Series)

Aliens (1992)

Roseanne Barr: Roseanne Conner

Quotes 

• Dan : [the following evening at the bike shop, after Mike Summers's visit to the Conner home; he walks in the door]  Can I help you?

  Mike Summers : Yeah, Hi, I'm Mike Summers, your state representative. How are you doin'? Yeah, I'm meeting with small businessmen in the area, trying to get a sense of what their conse...

  Roseanne : [Roseanne comes in from the back of the shop and sees him]  Hey!

  Mike Summers : Oh hell no!

  [he turns and runs out the front door, with Roseanne hot on his tail] 

  Roseanne : Hey! Wait up!

• Dan : [on the phone, sucking up to a banker/friend; he covers the mouth-piece and asks Roseanne]  Which one's the genius?

  Roseanne : The little-one, Katie.

  Darlene : The one who made boom-boom in our sink.

• Mike Summers : Hi, I'm Mike Summers, your state representative. How'ya doin'?

  Roseanne : Great.

  Mike Summers : Good, I'm going door-to-door, trying to get to know my constituents.

  Roseanne : Oh, door-to-door, huh. That takes a lot of time. Why don'tcha just go down to the unemployment office, and see everybody all at once.

• Mike Summers : We can't let this area's work-force lay idle. That's why bringing in new business is my number-one priority.

  Roseanne : How?

  Mike Summers : Through tax incentives. See, we're gonna make it cheaper for out-of-state businesses to set up shop right here in Lanford.

  Roseanne : So they get a tax break?

  Mike Summers : Yeah, that's why they come here.

  Roseanne : Well, who's gonna pay the taxes that they ain't paying?

  Mike Summers : Well, you... you will. But you'll be working... good, steady employment.

  Roseanne : Union wages?

  Mike Summers : Well, now, part of the reason these companies are finding it so expensive to operate in other locations is...

  Roseanne : [Roseanne cuts him off]  Soooo, they're gonna dump the union, so they can come here and hire us at scab wages, and then for *that* privilege... we get to pay their taxes?

  Mike Summers : [pause]  Is your husband home?

• Roseanne : [to Mike Summers]  My son is gonna have to wear my daughters hand me downs, for real this time, not just for fun.

• Darlene : Yo Mum, the lunch lady at school's been sick a few weeks, I think she's gonna die soon, you interested?

  Roseanne : Let's see, serving crappy food to ungrateful teenagers, how would I know I was at work?

• Roseanne : [Dan finishes reading a note from DJ's school]  Maybe there's a page missing.

  Dan : He's in the Regionals, that's the whole note

  [checks the other side] 

  Dan : no-one was hurt.

  Roseanne : DJ I always knew you had some special hidden talent, now you can spell, you can spell.

  Darlene : That's where the big money is

  [she stands up and gets her bag] 

  D.J. Conner : You're just jealous.

  Darlene : You're right, I wanted to be Rain Man.

• Roseanne : [reading a note]  Dear Nancy, I know this is hard for you to understand but I have been kidnapped by

  [to Nancy] 

  Roseanne : what's that word?

  Nancy Bartlett : Aliens... from outer space.

• Nancy Bartlett : He could've faced me but instead he left me some stupid note about space creatures sent to take back intelligent life.

  Roseanne : Man, are their bosses gonna be ticked.

• Dan : [reading a note]  Who are the Allen's and why are they out of spice?

  Roseanne : Aliens Dan, from outer space.

  Dan : Oh,that makes a little more sense.

  Nancy Bartlett : Did he say anything? Is there another woman?

  Dan : No offense Nancy but it's a miracle there's one.

• Darlene : Hey Mum, did you tell DJ to wash his hair?

  Roseanne : Yeah.

  Darlene : Oh well you should've told him to take his blazer off first.

  Roseanne : Why does he do that!

• Teacher : [to Roger]  You don't have to be embarrassed, you did very well and whenever you do your very best, you're never a loser.

  Dan : [quietly]  Yeah he is.

  Roseanne : Spell "goodnight" Roger.

• Teacher : Your word is...

  Roseanne : ...please be a word he knows...

  Teacher : Foreclosure.

  [Dan puts his arm around Roseanne, they smile] 

• [about the motorcycle Dan sold for a hundred bucks less than he bought it for] 

  Roseanne : I know how hard you worked on it.

  Dan : We'll screw the next guy over real good.

• Becky Conner : [mad that she doesn't have a college fund]  I'm not going to D.J.'s stupid spelling bee.

  Roseanne : Oh yes you are, he's gone to plenty of your stupid stuff, so you can go to his. Go get ready.