Roseanne (TV Series)

Fights & Stuff (1996)

Roseanne Barr: Roseanne Conner

Quotes 

• Dan : [to Roseanne]  Oh, that's perfect. You got the answer for everything, don't you?

  Roseanne : Yeah, I do.

  Dan : Yeah, well, why won't you tell me how to clean up this crap that you call decoration?

  [throws the items on the mantel onto the floor] 

  Roseanne : Okay, I will. I want you to pick them all up using your ass and start with the pointy things!

  Dan : You are a controlling bitch!

  [flips the coffee table over] 

  Roseanne : No, I'm not, Dan. I'm just trying to do whatever it takes to get you to get up off of your ass and stop staring at that damned T.V.

  [smashes a toy through the television screen] 

  Dan : Boy, I tell you, I wish I had never mar...

  Roseanne : What? Say it.

  Dan : Nothing.

  Roseanne : Well, that makes two of us. You can die if you want to, Dan, but you're gonna have to do it alone because I'm not gonna sit here and watch you. I'll be at Jackie's.

  [slams the door] 

• Roseanne : You know what you are, Dan? You are a big fat guy with absolutely no self-control. You're Jerry Garcia without the music.

• Dan : I'm gonna watch T.V.

  Roseanne : Of course you are, Dan because that's what you always do when anything gets too damn real around here.

  Dan : I do not do that.

  Roseanne : Yes, you do. You run to that T.V. and walk away from me every single time there is a problem in this family.

  Dan : Why the hell shouldn't I walk away? You never let me do squat around here. Problem with the kids? Hey, you'll handle it, Because I'll sure as hell just screw it up. I watched these kids grow up around here without ever knowing what was going on or even who they were and just look at the way they turned out.

  Roseanne : I think they turned out great.

  Dan : Oh, please, Roseanne, look at them. They're not exactly the Kennedy kids.

  Roseanne : No, they're not, but their dad sure drinks like Uncle Teddy.

• Dan : [about their kids]  They're failures, Roseanne and the only reason you won't admit it Is because you'll have to admit you failed as a mother.

  Roseanne : The only way I failed as a mother is to let Becky and Darlene get married so young that they threw their whole life away on a man just like I did.

  Dan : You didn't throw away a thing.

  Roseanne : Yes, I did, Dan. I threw everything away.

• Dan : You want me to fix dinner? I'll fix dinner. I'm fixing dinner!

  Roseanne : Oh, but honey, you just fixed dinner 11 years ago.

• Dan : [to Roseanne]  That's fine. Well, you just move to Chicago for all I care. Then maybe your damn family won't be hanging around here all the time, Give me some room for my family to come. Hell, they can't even show up for Thanksgiving anymore.

  Roseanne : Oh, so that's it, huh? It's my fault that you don't have any kind of relationship with your family? God, you are pathetic! Did I ever stop you from picking up that phone and calling your mother?

  Dan : Hey, at least I put my mother In a psychiatric hospital where she can get some help instead of letting her run around in the streets like yours scaring people!

  Roseanne : Well, my mother may be like fingernails on a chalkboard, Dan, but at least she's allowed to grow fingernails.

• Roseanne : [to Dan]  Well, I'm not gonna keep cooking those crap dinners that got you in this mess in the first place, Dan.

  Dan : What about the crap breakfasts and the crap lunches?

• Dan : It's none of your business, Roseanne. I manage to get along just fine without any of your help.

  Roseanne : Without any of my help?

  [scoffs] 

  Roseanne : Well, what the hell do you think I was doing all those years at Wellman's and Rodbell's and the beauty parlor, and the diner? You think I was just earning enough money to go out and buy new hats? And if it wasn't for me, the bank would've came and took this house a long time ago, Dan.

• Dan : [throwing out the junk food]  You know, it's a shame to just throw all of this stuff out, we should give some of it to people.

  Roseanne : Yeah, okay. Pork and beans... well, you have to know how to operate both a can opener *and* a stove, so that eliminates Mark.

• Dan : Everything looks so different. Was the TV always there?

  Roseanne : Yeah, you probably just never seen it turned off before.

• Dan : Look, I'm sick and tired of being treated like an invalid.

  Roseanne : So, you're just gonna do it, aren't you? You're just gonna go right ahead and harden an artery right here in my kitchen.

  Dan : I've got to live a little, Roseanne. You won't let me eat anything, You won't let me take any calls from work.

  Roseanne : Yeah, and I'm not gonna let you talk anymore either, so shut up.

• Dan : Why don't you go work on one of your TV commentaries? You haven't done that since this whole thing started.

  Roseanne : Well I never thought I'd say this, Dan, but... you're more important than TV.

  Dan : [mimes shedding a tear by pressing a rice cake against his cheek]  It's so sad that it took me having a heart attack to hear you say that.

• Roseanne : The guy just had a heart attack. It's not like I can go in there and yell at him.

  D.J. Conner : I wish I had a heart attack.

• Roseanne : God! You're hiding food, Dan?

  Dan : Yeah, with the cleaning products. It's the one place I knew you'd never look.

• Dan : You're callin' *me* fat?

  Roseanne : Yeah, I'm callin' you fat.

  Dan : Well, if that ain't the big *FAT* pot callin' the kettle black!

  Roseanne : You better not be calling me fat!

  Dan : Well I am: fat! Fat! Fat...

  Dan , Roseanne : Fat-fat-fat-fat-fat-fat!

• Dan : When did everybody start putting security gates around their house?

  Roseanne : Hmm, gee, about the time D.J. started walking.