Saturday Night Live (TV Series)

Joan Rivers/Musical Youth (1983)

Joan Rivers: Self - Host, Various

Quotes 

• Joan Rivers - Host : I went out with such a guy, he was so dumb, he couldn't count to 21 unless he was naked.

• Joan Rivers - Host : [about Elizabeth Taylor]  She's the only person I know who lives alone and has a 20-slice toaster.

• Joan Rivers - Host : My mother hated me. My mother used to say to me: 'Take candy from strangers!' I was like, eh... 'Ask the guy over there in the raincoat, does he own a van?' I, I was just...

• Joan Rivers - Host : Elizabeth Taylor. One nice thing about having Liz to dinner is when you buy a pizza, you don't have to cut it into slices.

• Elizabeth Taylor : [closeup on face]  I still remember the day I finished filming "National Velvet". We al wanted to hold a party, but no one knew what to do with the horse. I did.

  Elizabeth Taylor : [grins mischievously and puts a toothpick in her mouth; camera pans back to show an extremely large "Elizabeth Taylor" wearing blue jeans and a blouse, stretched out on a sofa] 

  Elizabeth Taylor : I guess... I guess that's when I decided I wanted to become the biggest star in the world. You know, no matter how many films you make, you always remember your first one. I remember my first husband... my first diamond... my first chin... I haven't seen any of them in years. I'll also never forget my first really big meal. Turkey. Not the whole country, silly!

  Elizabeth Taylor : [giggles and lifts a leg; a ripping sound is heard. "Elizabeth Taylor" reacts with dismay at the tearing sound]  And now, now I've got another first. We're going to remake "National Velvet". But this time, they're going to call it "Crushed Velvet".

  [giggles again, then "Elizabeth Taylor" accidentally rolls over and her huge posterior shows the label "Calvin Klein"] 

  Announcer : Calvin Klein Jeans, now available in Industrial Strength!