South Park (TV Series)
The Succubus (1999)
Trey Parker: Stan Marsh, Eric Cartman, Dr. Laut, Mr. Derp, Chef's Singing Voice, Office Worker, Mr. Garrison, Chef's Mother, Veronica in Succubus Form
Quotes
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Chef's Father : Well, aren't you crackers just cute as the dickens?
Stan : You're chef's parents?
Chef's Mother : Yes, all his life.
Kyle : [in a hurry] We have to talk to him!
Chef's Father : Well, he should be out now directly.
Chef's Mother : He's so excited about the wedding now.
Chef's Father : Say, would you crackers like to hear about the time we met the Loch Ness Monster?
Stan : [impatiently] No, that's okay.
Chef's Father : Ooh, it must have been about seven, eight years ago. Me and the little lady was out on this boat, you see, all alone at night, when all of the sudden this huge creature, this giant crustacean from the Paleolithic Era, comes out of the water.
Chef's Mother : We was so scared, Lord have mercy, I jumped up in the boat, and I said, "Thomas, Thomas, what on earth is that creature?"
Chef's Father : It stood above us looking down with these big red eyes...
Chef's Mother : Oh, it was so scary!
Chef's Father : ...and I yelled, I said, "What do you want from us, monster?" And the monster bent down, and said, "I need about tree-fitty."
[long pause]
Kyle : What's tree-fitty?
Chef's Father : Tree dollars, and fitty cents.
Chef's Mother : Tree-fitty.
Stan : He wanted money?
Chef's Father : That's right. I said, "I ain't givin' you no tree-fitty, you goddamn Loch Ness Monster! Get your own goddamn money!"
Chef's Mother : I gave him a dollar.
Chef's Father : She gave him a dollar.
Chef's Mother : I thought he'd go away if I gave him a dollar.
Chef's Father : Well, of course he's not gonna go away, Mary! You give him a dollar, he's gonna assume you got more!
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Chef's Father : [at Chef's rehearsal dinner] Could I have everyone's attention, please?
[crowd quiets]
Chef's Father : Tomorrow, my son is gonna get married to a beautiful lady.
[sniffles]
Chef's Father : I'm very happy for them both.
[begins to choke back tears]
Chef's Father : Ooh, there I go - I told myself I wasn't gonna cry.
Chef : It's okay, pop.
Chef's Mother : Thomas, you're gonna get me going now.
[begins to tear up]
Chef's Father : I remember when Chef was just a three-year-old little man, he came runnin' into me with a big smile and his little chef's hat on, and he says to me, "Poppa, poppa." I said, "What do you need, Chef, my boy?" He said, "I need about tree-fitty."
Chef's Mother : Tree-fitty!
Chef's Father : Well, it was about that time I begin to get suspicious. I said, "Chef, my boy, why do you need tree-fitty?" He said, "My imaginary friend Boo-Boo the dinosaur wants it." So I went to my son's room, and sure enough, there was that damn Loch Ness Monster!
Chef's Mother : Lord, it was scary!
Chef's Father : I said, "Dammit, monster, you quit bugging my children, now. We work for our money in this house - we don't just give money away!"
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Optician : [Cartman walks into the optician's room for laser eye surgery] Okay so you are here for the liposuction?
Eric Cartman : [angrily] Aye.
Optician : [laughs] Just joking, okay looks I'm lasering a little piggy today.
Eric Cartman : [Angrily] If you call me piggy one more time I will kick you in the n...
[Trails off due to being put on laughing gas]
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Eric Cartman : [immediately after getting hideous glasses] Oh. Dude. Super. Weak. I am not wearing these. The guys would totally rip on me.
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Stan : [sees Cartman has bandages on his eyes] Cartman, what the hell are you doing?
Eric Cartman : [annoyed] That asshole eye doctor screwed up my laser surgery. I have to wear these bandages for three days.
Stan : Damn, your eyes must really suck, Cartman.
Eric Cartman : [sarcastic] Oh, thanks for the newsflash, Tom Brokaw! What happened with Chef? Did you tell him she's a succubus?
Stan : We couldn't even talk to him, she's so evil. She has totally kept him away from us.
