Star Trek (TV Series)

The Trouble with Tribbles (1967)

William Shatner: Captain James Tiberius 'Jim' Kirk

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Quotes 

• [last lines] 

  [all tribbles have been removed from the Enterprise, but nobody seems eager to tell Kirk what happened to them] 

  Capt. Kirk : Mister Scott. Where - are - the tribbles?

  Scott : I used the transporter, Captain.

  Capt. Kirk : You used the transporter?

  Scott : Aye.

  Capt. Kirk : Well, where did you transport them?

  [the others are looking away, trying to appear not involved] 

  Capt. Kirk : Scott, you didn't transport them into space, did you?

  Scott : Captain Kirk! That'd be inhuman!

  Capt. Kirk : Well, where are they?

  Scott : I gave them a very good home, sir.

  Capt. Kirk : WHERE?

  Scott : I gave 'em to the Klingons, sir.

  Capt. Kirk : [whispering]  You gave them to the Klingons?

  Scott : Aye, sir. Before they went into warp, I transported the whole kit 'n' caboodle into their engine room, where they'll be no tribble at all.

• Capt. Kirk : How close will we come to the nearest Klingon outpost if we continue on our present course?

  Chekov : Ah, one parsec, sir. Close enough to smell them.

  [grins broadly] 

  Spock : That is illogical, Ensign. Odors cannot travel through the vacuum of space.

  Chekov : I was making a little joke, sir.

  Spock : Extremely little, Ensign.

• [Kirk is questioning Scotty about his reasons to start a bar fight with the Klingons] 

  Scott : Well, Captain, er... the Klingons called you a... a tin-plated overbearing, swaggering dictator with delusions of godhood.

  Capt. Kirk : Is that all?

  Scott : No, sir. They also compared you with a Denebian slime devil.

  Capt. Kirk : I see.

  Scott : And then they said that you were a...

  Capt. Kirk : I get the picture, Scotty.

  Scott : Yes, sir.

  Capt. Kirk : And after they said all this, that's when you hit the Klingons.

  Scott : No, sir.

  Capt. Kirk : ...No?

  Scott : No, er, I didn't. You told us to avoid trouble.

  Capt. Kirk : Oh, yes.

  Scott : And I didn't see that it was worth fighting about. After all, we're big enough to take a few insults. Aren't we?

  Capt. Kirk : What was it they said that started the fight?

  Scott : They called the Enterprise a garbage scow! Sir.

  Capt. Kirk : I see. And... that's when you hit the Klingon?

  Scott : Yes, sir!

  Capt. Kirk : You hit the Klingons because they insulted the Enterprise, not because they...

  Scott : Well, sir, this was a matter of pride.

  Capt. Kirk : All right, Scotty. Dismissed. Oh... Scotty, you're restricted to quarters until further notice.

  Scott : Yes, sir. Thank you, sir! That'll give me a chance to catch up on my technical journals!

• [Kirk is testing the tribbles' reaction on several people, starting with the Klingons. The tribbles squeal] 

  Capt. Kirk : Why, you're right, Mister Jones. They don't like Klingons.

  [he moves on] 

  Capt. Kirk : But they do like Vulcans. Well, Mr. Spock, I didn't know you had it in you.

  Spock : Obviously, tribbles are very perceptive creatures, Captain.

  Capt. Kirk : Obviously.

  [he moves on] 

  Capt. Kirk : Mister Baris, they like you. Well, there's no accounting for taste.

• Dr. McCoy : Do you know what you get if you feed a tribble too much?

  Capt. Kirk : A fat tribble.

  Dr. McCoy : No. You get a whole bunch of hungry little tribbles.

  Capt. Kirk : Well, Bones, all I can suggest... is you open up a maternity ward.

• Nilz Baris : Captain Kirk, I consider your security measures a disgrace. In my opinion, you have taken this entire, very important project far too lightly.

  Capt. Kirk : On the contrary, sir. I think of this project as very important. It is YOU I take lightly.

• [Baris has suggested Jones to be a Klingon agent] 

  Capt. Kirk : Cyrano Jones? A Klingon agent?

  [laughs] 

  Nilz Baris : You heard me.

  Capt. Kirk : I heard you.

  Spock : He simply could not believe his ears.

• Capt. Kirk : [handing Chekov a container]  Mr. Chekov, what do you make of this?

  Chekov : Oh, quadrotriticale. I've read about this, but, er, I've never seen any before.

  Capt. Kirk : Does everybody know about this wheat but me?

  Chekov : Oh, not everyone, Captain. It's a Russian invention.

• Dr. McCoy : [enters after Kirk gets covered with tribbles]  Jim! I think I've got it. All we have to do is quit feeding them. We quit feeding them, they stop breeding!

  Capt. Kirk : Now he tells me.

• Nilz Baris : Kirk, this station is swarming with Klingons.

  Capt. Kirk : I was not aware, Mr. Baris, that 12 Klingons constitutes a swarm.

  Nilz Baris : Captain Kirk, there are Klingon soldiers on this station. Now, I want you to keep that grain safe!

  Capt. Kirk : Mr. Baris, I have guards around the grain, I have guards around the Klingons. The only reason those guards are there is because Starfleet wants them there. As for what *you* want... it has been noted and logged. Kirk out.

  [he shuts off the comlink] 

  Spock : Captain, may I ask where you'll be?

  Capt. Kirk : Sickbay, with a headache.

• [Kirk takes a tray out of a food dispenser. Food and cup are covered with tribbles] 

  Capt. Kirk : My chicken sandwich and coffee. This is my chicken sandwich and coffee!

  Spock : Fascinating.

  Capt. Kirk : I want these off the ship. I don't care if takes every man we've got, I want them off the ship.

• Capt. Kirk : As Captain, I want two things done. First, find Cyrano Jones, and second...

  [he looks up irritated, as tribbles keep falling on him from the storage compartment] 

  Capt. Kirk : ...close that door.

• Capt. Kirk : I have never questioned the orders or the intelligence of any representative of the Federation. Until now.

• Capt. Kirk : Another technical journal, Scotty?

  Scott : Aye.

  Capt. Kirk : Don't you ever relax?

  Scott : I am relaxing.

• Nilz Baris : There must be thousands of them.

  Capt. Kirk : [buried up to his neck in tribbles]  Hundreds of thousands.

  Spock : 1,771,561. That's assuming one tribble, multiplying with an average litter of 10, producing a new generation every 12 hours over a period of three days.

  Capt. Kirk : And that's assuming that they got here three days ago.

  Spock : And allowing for the amount of grain consumed and the volume of the storage compartment.

• Capt. Kirk : Captain Koloth, about that apology...

  Koloth : Yes?

  Capt. Kirk : You have six hours to get your ship out of Federation territory.

• [Cyrano Jones is asking for leniency after his tribbles have infested the entire space station] 

  Capt. Kirk : There is one thing you could do.

  Cyrano Jones : Yes.

  Capt. Kirk : Pick up every tribble on the space station. If you do that, I'll speak to Mr. Lurry about returning your spaceship.

  Cyrano Jones : [appalled]  It would take years!

  Spock : 17.9, to be exact.

  Cyrano Jones : 17.9 years?

  Capt. Kirk : Consider it job security.

• [the tribbles have all but destroyed the entire stock of grain reserved for a development project] 

  Nilz Baris : Kirk, you should have known. You are responsible for turning the development project into a total disaster!

  Capt. Kirk : Mr. Baris...

  Nilz Baris : And I am through being intimidated, Kirk. Now, you have insulted me, you have ignored me, you, you walked all over me. You have abused your authority and you have rejected my requests. And this, this is the result! I am going to hold you responsible, Kirk!

  Capt. Kirk : Mr. Baris, I'll hold you in irons if you don't shut up!

• Nilz Baris : And, now, Captain, I want all available security guards. I want them posted around the storage compartments.

  Capt. Kirk : Storage compartments? Storage compartments?

  Arne Darvin : The storage compartments containing the quadro-triticale.

  Capt. Kirk : The what, the what? What's... quadro-triticale?

  Lurry : Here...

  [hands Kirk a small container] 

  Capt. Kirk : [spills some of its contents on his hand]  Wheat. So what?

• Capt. Kirk : Mister Lurry, you issued a Priority One distress call. State the nature of your emergency.

  Lurry : [transmitted voice]  Uh, well, perhaps you better beam over. I'll-I'll try to explain.

  Capt. Kirk : You'll "try to explain." You'd better be prepared to do more than that. Kirk out.

• Arne Darvin : [referring to Jones]  You can't deny he's disrupted this station.

  Capt. Kirk : People have disrupted stations before without being Klingon agents. Sometimes, all they need is a title, Mr. Baris.

• Capt. Kirk : Lt. Uhura, how did all these tribbles get on the bridge?

  Uhura : I don't know, sir. They do seem to be all over the ship.

  Capt. Kirk : Dr. McCoy.

  Dr. McCoy : Yes, did you want to see me, Jim?

  [Kirk hands him some tribbles] 

  Dr. McCoy : Well don't look at me, it's the tribbles that are breeding and if we don't get them off the ship were gonna be hip deep in them.

  Capt. Kirk : Would you explain.

  Dr. McCoy : The only thing that I can figure out is that they're born pregnant... which seems to be quite a timesaver.

  Capt. Kirk : I know but really...

  Dr. McCoy : And, from my observations if seems they're bisexual, reproducing at will. And brother, have they got a lot of will.

  Spock : Captain, I'm forced to agree with the doctor. I've been running computations on their rate of reproduction. The figures are taking an alarming direction. They are consuming our supplies and returning nothing.

  Uhura : Oh, but they do give us something, Mr. Spock. They give us love. Well, Cyrano Jones says that a tribble is the only love that money can buy.

  Capt. Kirk : Too much of anything, lieutenant, even love isn't necessarily a good thing.

  Uhura : Yes, captain.

  Capt. Kirk : Get a maintenance crew to clean up the entire ship and then contact Mr. Lurry and tell him I'm beaming down.

  Uhura : Aye, aye, sir.

  Capt. Kirk : Have him find Cyrano Jones and hold him,

  [weakly] 

  Capt. Kirk : ... and get these tribbles off the bridge.

• Capt. Kirk : I wanna know what killed these tribbles.

  Dr. McCoy : I haven't figured out what keeps them alive yet.

• Capt. Kirk : Bones, what've you got for a headache?

  Dr. McCoy : Let me guess: the Klingons, Baris...

  Capt. Kirk : Both.

• Capt. Kirk : What evidence do you have against Mister Jones?

  Nilz Baris : My assistant here has kept Mister Jones under close surveillance for quite some time, and his actions have been most suspicious. I believe he was involved in that little altercation between your men and the men from...

  Capt. Kirk : Yes, yes. Go on. What else do you have?

  Arne Darvin : Well Captain, I've checked his ship's log, and it seems that he was within the Klingon's sphere of influence less than four months ago.

  Nilz Baris : The man is an independent scout, Captain. It is quite possible he is also a Klingon spy.

  Spock : We have already checked on the background of Mister Cyrano Jones. He is a licensed asteroid locator and prospector. He's never broken the law, at least not severely. For the past seven years, with his one-man spaceship, he's obtained a marginal living by engaging in the buying and selling of rare merchandise, including, unfortunately, tribbles.

• Capt. Kirk : [after finding out Scotty started the brawl at the station]  What caused it, Scotty?

  Scott : They insulted us, sir.

  Capt. Kirk : Must have been some insult.

  Scott : Aye, it was.

  Capt. Kirk : [in disbelief]  You threw the first punch.

  Scott : Aye. Chekov wanted to, but I held him back

  Capt. Kirk : You held... Why did Chekov want to start a fight?

  Scott : Uh, the Klingons, sir... is this off the record?

  Capt. Kirk : [losing his patience]  No, this is not off the record!

• Koloth : Mister Spock, as far as Sherman's Planet is concerned, Captain Kirk has already given it to us.

  Capt. Kirk : Well, we'll see about that, but before I take any official action, I'd like to know Just what happened. Who put the tribbles in the quadrotriticale? What was in the grain that killed them?