Christopher Titus: Christopher Titus

Quotes 

• Christopher Titus : 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house / Not a creature was stirring, except the psycho bitch on the couch. / I looked pleadingly to my girl, her face fury red / While visions of me and the Doublemint twins danced in her head. / With bile in my throat and no help in sight, I put on a smile and my sphincter got tight. / "This is Rudolph," I thought, and turned to argue my case, / but I must've had a "what's your problem, bitch" look, 'cause she punched me in the face. / I picked up her $300 Pradas, the left and right shoe, / and out into the street, both shoes I then threw. / Out the front door she went in hot pursuit, / Yeah, this girl would chase a designer label like a fat guy after a velour jogging suit. / In fear for my life I locked up the place, / turned my attention to Rudolph and wished I had mace. / When all of a sudden, there arose such a clatter... / I sprang from the couch to see what was the matter. / I grabbed the chord and pulled open the blinds... and there was Noelle, quite out of her mind. / My heart stopped, frozen with fear / while she beat on the glass door with a vodka bottle... filled just 'bout to here. / I knew the window couldn't much take it, / and she was screaming "Unlock it, you bastard, or I swear I'll break it!" / I couldn't let her do that, it was a rented place, / so I opened the door... and she punched me in the face! / So summoning my manhood, from bottom to top... / I screamed like a little girl, "I'm calling the cops!" / I just finished dialing and she was standing right there / wearing pearls and those pradas, but otherwise bare. / She spoke not a word, but went straight to her work / reeling me in with that "you're my big daddy" smirk. / I heard her exclaim as she turned out the lights... / "You know this is your fault. I love you too much to fight."

  Christopher Titus : .

• [first lines] 

  Christopher Titus : Death, is good. If it's someone you don't like. Oh, c'mon! Vlad the impaler, I mean Hitler's dead, woohoo! No matter heinous someone is, remember, there's always a chance that deputy from Barstow will find their body in the desert rolled up in charred carpet.

• [last lines] 

  Christopher Titus : Death is good, for evil people. But, who decides who's evil. Noelle always said that if I left her, she'd kill me. She died first. Hey, Noelle, I never wanted you dead. I only wanted you gone. So, wherever you are,

  [looking up] 

  Christopher Titus : rest in peace. Or,

  [looking down] 

  Christopher Titus : merry christmas. Whatever.

• [flashback] 

  Christopher Titus : Dad, let me in! She kicked my ass again!

  Ken Titus : [pulling Titus into the house]  Shut up! I have a reputation in this neighborhood!

  [calling out the front door] 

  Ken Titus : What's that you say, boy? Your drug habit kicked your ass? Gonna have to send your butt to rehab!

  [slams door shut] 

  Ken Titus : You tell anybody that munchkin beat you up, and *I'll* kick your ass.