Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up with a Hump (2003)

Charlie Sheen: Charlie Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Charlie : My brother, Alan, warned me not to go out with you tonight.

  Kate : That's funny. Everybody warned *me* not to go out with *you*.

  Charlie : Hey, it worked for Romeo and Juliet. Well, up to the poison and the stabbing.

  Kate : Charlie, I have a confession. I haven't been out with a man, other than my husband, in 12 years.

  Charlie : That's not a problem. Couple of things have changed, but I can bring you up to date.

  Kate : Please do.

  Charlie : Alright. Well, nowadays women pay for dinner. And, of course, sex is a given.

  Kate : Well, I'll tell you one thing. I am not paying for dinner.

  Charlie : Rats!

• Alan : [Charlie has arranged a "play-date" for Jake]  You're hitting on the mother, aren't you?

  Charlie : Can't slip one past you, can I?

  Alan : That's not what a play-date is for.

  Charlie : What? The kid plays, and I have a date. Everybody wins.

• Alan : Jake, for the last time, nobody got "creamed". No one won, no one lost.

  Jake : Yeah, except for us. Twelve to two.

  Charlie : Well, it doesn't matter if you win or lose. It's whether or not you beat the spread.

• [last lines] 

  Charlie : Forget it, Jake. It's Sherman Oaks.