Mystery Science Theater 3000 (TV Series)

Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders (1999)

Michael J. Nelson: Mike Nelson

Quotes 

• [after a man breathed fire] 

  Mike Nelson : Clearly Merlin has brought good into the world!

• Tom Servo : [on the SOL bridge]  What are you doing there, Mikey-drawers?

  Crow T. Robot : Yeah.

  Mike Nelson : Oh, I ordered us up the whole series of Ernest Borgnine's children's books based on the movie. I don't know, I thought it would be whimsical or something.

  Crow T. Robot : Well, bring on the whimsy, man!

  Mike Nelson : OK, well here's one called "Santa's Workshop of Shimmering Delights." That might be whimsical...

  [reads] 

  Mike Nelson : Oh, man... Wow, well this isn't appropriate. Here, Aram the Elf's hands get scissored off in the sheet metal crimper.

  Tom Servo : [whistles]  Ooh, yeah, that's unsavory, all right.

  Mike Nelson : Well, let's try this one. "Slow Bear's Woodland Picnic." How could that possibly...

  [reads] 

  Mike Nelson : Wow! Holy cow! Slow Bear bashes in Charlie Chipmunk's head with a can of pork and beans!

  Crow T. Robot : Wow! That Borgnine is dark, man!

  Tom Servo : Hey, try "Fluffy Bunny's New Blue Suit."

  Mike Nelson : Yeah, that sounds completely...

  [reads] 

  Mike Nelson : Oh, my...

  [looks like he's about to vomit] 

  Crow T. Robot : What?

  Tom Servo : What?

  Crow T. Robot : [both he and Tom read and start to gag]  AAAHHHH! THEY'RE EATING HIS LIVER! AAAAHHHH!

  Mike Nelson : [thoroughly disgusted]  That's it, these are all going ba-

  [sees another] 

  Mike Nelson : Oh, now look at this one! "Dr. Blood's Orgy of Gore!"

  Tom Servo : Augh!

  Crow T. Robot : Augh!

  Mike Nelson : What is with this guy, man? This is-

  [reads, looks puzzled] 

  Mike Nelson : Oh, this one seems fine.

  Crow T. Robot : What?

  Tom Servo : What?

  Mike Nelson : "In a little, cozy hole in the ground there lived eight plump mice."

  Tom Servo : Yeah, whose eyes get poked out with upholstery needles!

  Mike Nelson : No, they get little sweaters and live happily.

  Crow T. Robot : Wow, weird.

  Mike Nelson : We'll be right back.

  Tom Servo : New sweaters, really?

• Tom Servo : Honey, you okay down there?

  Mike Nelson : Eh... I got old and roasted the cat alive with my breath, but I'm fine.

• Pearl Forrester : Attention captive test subjects! The Institute for Mad Science has sent me my first experiment to inflict on you. Now, let's do it right so I can get to the real mad scientist stuff, like pulling the heads off monkeys.

  Professor Bobo : HEY!

  Pearl Forrester : Oh don't even.

  [reads note] 

  Pearl Forrester : Hmmm... Hehehe... Yes, good good good. This is a very good evil experiment. The hypothesis is is that one of you, say Servo, is given complete power and control over the others...

  Tom Servo : [dressed like a Nazi]  Furthermore, all those violating marshal law will be torn in half by sumo wrestlers.

  Crow T. Robot , Mike Nelson : [weakly]  Hooray.

  Tom Servo : And finnaly, my good people, give me all your cookies and I won't kill you!

  Crow T. Robot , Mike Nelson : [weaker]  Hooray.

  Pearl Forrester : ...The person in charge will undoubtedly become corrupt. So, take your person in charge and fill his underwear with fire ants.

  Tom Servo : F-f-f-fire ants? I'm no longer fit to lead! I relinquish my power to Mike! I'm a private citizen! You can have your damn cookies back!

  Pearl Forrester : Ah, so we see that fire ants in the underwear can change the course of whole governments.

• David : [yelling as he tries to bury the toy monkey]  You'll have to do better than that, you little bastard!

  Mike Nelson : Is he yelling at Mason Reese?

• Mike Nelson : [Reading off of a ouija board]  "Kiss... my..." HEY!

• Mike Nelson : [as the toy monkey with cymbals]  Come on, put on some John Phillip Sousa, I'm dying to use these.

• Merlin : So please Mr. Cooper, heed my words...

  Mike Nelson : Munch my shorts...