Are You Being Served? (TV Series)

The Think Tank (1974)

John Inman: Mr. Humphries

Photos 

Quotes 

• Mr. Ernest Grainger : Now, how about advertising in the local newspapers? You know, something like, "You get a square deal at Grace Brothers"?

  Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : We'll be in trouble with the Trades Descriptions Act.

  Mr. Dick Lucas : Oh, I don't know. I mean, you couldn't have squarer clothes than what we've got.

  Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : What do you mean, Mr. Lucas?

  Mr. Dick Lucas : Well, we're not exactly trendy, are we? I mean, look at all the fuss you all made the other week when I came in wearing high-heeled shoes.

  Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : It wasn't the shoes, it was that walking stick you had to stop yourself from falling over.

• Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : They're not even looking like they used to. I mean, there was a time when you'd go up to a customer, say "Excuse me, Sir, are you being served?", and they'd say "no, just looking". Now they don't even come in. It's most frustrating, isn't it, Mr. Grainger?

  Mr. Ernest Grainger : Most frustrating. Trousers are at a complete stand still.

  Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : You're lucky to get your tape up once a day.

  Mrs. Betty Slocombe : Well, my corsets have been down for over a fortnight.

• Mrs. Betty Slocombe : Oh, I'm dying for a cup of coffee.

  Mr. Ernest Grainger : So am I. I want one to take my pill.

  Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : Are you on the Pill?

• Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : [Mr. Grainger is sleeping]  Are you free, Mr. Grainger?

  Mr. Ernest Grainger : [wakes up]  Ah! Err, err, yes, I'm free.

• Captain Stephen Peacock : After I came out of the army, I made a study of sales technique. Now, there was a theory that a moving display has more impact than a... than a static one.

  Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries , Mr. Dick Lucas : [both together]  True.

  Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : Well, I suppose you mean we should have our trousers moving about more.

  Mr. Ernest Grainger : How do we achieve that?

  Mr. Dick Lucas : Couple of dozen pairs of electric legs.

  [laughs] 

  Captain Stephen Peacock : I'm being quite serious, Mr. Lucas.

  Mrs. Betty Slocombe : Well, how does that affect my department?

  Miss Shirley Brahms : Yes, do we have lots of electric knickers jumping up and down on the counter?

  Mr. Ernest Grainger : Wouldn't that be very expensive?

  Mr. Dick Lucas : You could have Mrs. Slocombe jumping up and down on the counter. That should make a big enough impact!

  [laughs] 

  Mrs. Betty Slocombe : That's it. I am withdrawing to the canteen.

• Captain Stephen Peacock : I mean a down to earth fashion show, where we demonstrate to the man in the street that we sell ordinary clothes that are well within the reach of his pocket.

  Mrs. Betty Slocombe : And what about the woman in the street?

  Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : Unisex!

  Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : I beg your pardon?

  Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : I, I mean a show for both sexes. I don't think your idea for a men's fashion show would get us anywhere. But my idea for a... a unisex show seems very original.

  Miss Shirley Brahms : But I thought unisex meant men and women in the same clothes.

  Mr. Dick Lucas : It does!

  Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : Does it? Perhaps I meant bisexual.

  Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries : No, I don't think you meant that, Mr. Rumbold.

  Captain Stephen Peacock : Perhaps we should call it A Man And Woman's Fashion Parade.

  Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : Or better still, "Male And Female Modes On The Move". Yes, that's it. I don't think your idea for "A Man And Woman's Fashion Parade" would have any appeal at all, but my idea for "Male And Female Modes On The Move" has fantastic appeal. Agreed?

  Mr. Dick Lucas : Oh, yes, Mr. Rumbold, yes. What a pity you couldn't have thought of something like that, Captain Peacock.

• [last lines] 

  Young Mr. Grace : Well, goodbye, everybody.

  Mrs. Betty Slocombe , Mr. Dick Lucas , Captain Stephen Peacock , Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries , Miss Shirley Brahms , Mr. Ernest Grainger , Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : Goodbye, Mr. Grace.

  Young Mr. Grace : Goodbye. You've all done very well!

  Mrs. Betty Slocombe , Mr. Dick Lucas , Captain Stephen Peacock , Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries , Miss Shirley Brahms , Mr. Ernest Grainger , Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : Thank you, Mr. Grace.