Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

Large Birds, Spiders and Mom (2007)

Charlie Sheen: Charlie Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Alan Harper : [taking a photo of Jake, before he gets on the school bus]  Smile.

  Jake Harper : About what?

  Alan Harper : I need a current photo, in case you go missing.

  Charlie Harper : Alan, don't be ridiculous. They never find those kids!

• Charlie Harper : Hey, Berta! How have you been washing my underwear?

  Berta : Like I do everything else around here: with a song on my lips, and love in my heart.

  Charlie Harper : I'm serious. I got a rash in my, you know, private area.

  Berta : Private? You get any more traffic down there, you're gonna have to open a Starbucks!

  Charlie Harper : Yeah. Well, I thought maybe you'd changed laundry soap, 'cause it's all red and itchy, especially right around...

  Alan Harper : Excuse me! I'm sitting here, eating a breakfast sausage!

  Charlie Harper : It's not a sausage problem. It's more in the meatball area. Kinda meatball-adjacent.

• Alan Harper : I got you a little present. Your very own cell phone.

  Jake Harper : Oh, cool!

  Alan Harper : Now, the important thing to remember is that this is not a toy. It's to use in emergencies only.

  Jake Harper : Emergencies? What emergencies?

  Charlie Harper : [Pretending to use a cell phone]  Dad, come get me! I'm stuffed in my locker and my underwear is wet!

  Alan Harper : That only happened once.

  Charlie Harper : If that drug-sniffing dog hadn't found you, you'd have missed Thanksgiving.

• Jake Harper : I bet it's swamp ass.

  Charlie Harper : What's swamp ass?

  Berta : Don't worry. You'd know if you had swamp ass.

  Jake Harper : Man, I hate swamp ass.

• Alan Harper : You sure it's just a rash?

  Charlie Harper : What else could it be?

  Alan Harper : Well, since we're talking about your private area, it can be anything from ebola to mad cow disease.

• Alan Harper : Things will go great for you. You just have to remember a few things.

  Jake Harper : Like what?

  Alan Harper : Well, always keep your money in your shoe, but have some spare change in your pocket.

  Jake Harper : How come?

  Alan Harper : Decoy money. They won't stop hitting you 'til they get something.

  Jake Harper : Who are "they"?

  Alan Harper : The big kids, holding you by your ankles and plunging your head in the toilet.

  Jake Harper : [Worried look on face]  Plunging my head in the toilet?

  Charlie Harper : D-don't, don't, don't, don't freak the kid out, Alan!

  [to Jake] 

  Charlie Harper : It's not so much plunging as... dipping.

• Charlie Harper : [Showing his genital rash]  What do you think?

  Dr. Prajneep : Well, it looks like an allergic reaction. Have you been applying anything to your genital region?

  Charlie Harper : Just the usual: waitresses and actresses.

• Alan Harper : Now, about race riots...

  Charlie Harper : Try not to take sides.

  Alan Harper : If anybody asks, you're mulatto.

• Charlie Harper : When the Good Lord was handing out courage, you were hiding in your locker, peeing in your gym socks.

  Alan Harper : I had three Mr. Pibbs at lunch!

• Charlie Harper : Gettin' hit in the face hurts, but you know what hurts more?

  Jake Harper : A kick in the crotch?

  Charlie Harper : [not the example he was going to use]  Well, yeah, sure...

  Jake Harper : I took a soccer ball to the 'nads once, thought my eyes were gonna pop out.

  Charlie Harper : Yeah, but, but, but that, that pain passes. What hurts more, and lasts longer than anything, is the humiliation of running away.

  Jake Harper : Couldn't ride my bike for a week.

  Alan Harper : Ah, Jake, I think you're missing the point.

  Jake Harper : Makes ya wonder what they're doin' hangin' down there in the first place.