Ted Lasso (TV Series)

The Diamond Dogs (2020)

Jason Sudeikis: Ted Lasso

Photos 

Quotes 

• Ted Lasso : Mae... what do I need to win?

  Mae : Two triple 20's and a bullseye.

  Rupert Mannion : [chuckles]  Good luck.

  [pause] 

  Ted Lasso : You know, Rupert, guys have underestimated me my entire life. And for years, I never understood why. It used to really bother me. But then one day, I was driving my little boy to school and I saw this quote by Walt Whitman, and it was painted on the wall there. It said, "Be curious, not judgmental." I like that.

  [throws a dart and hits his first triple 20] 

  Ted Lasso : So I get back in my car and I'm driving to work, and all of a sudden it hits me. All them fellas that used to belittle me, not a single one of them were curious. You know, they thought they had everything all figured out. So they judged everything, and they judged everyone. And I realized that their underestimating me... who I was had nothing to do with it. 'Cause if they were curious, they would've asked questions. You know? Like, "Have you played a lot of darts, Ted?"

  [throws another dart and hits his second triple 20] 

  Ted Lasso : To which I would've answered, "Yes, sir. Every Sunday afternoon at a sports bar with my father, from age 10 until I was 16 when he passed away."

  [beat] 

  Ted Lasso : Barbecue sauce.

  [throws his third dart and hits the bullseye; crowd cheers wildly] 

  Ted Lasso : Good game, Rupert.

• Nathan Shelley : Okay, so this is about you and Keeley, right?

  Coach Beard : Saw this coming.

  Higgins : Nothing like the early days of courtship.

  Roy : [bewildered]  Okay, this is my fucking nightmare.

  Ted Lasso : I think the idea of you and Keeley is like cookies and cream. And I think we all agree, two great tastes that go great together, right?

  Higgins : Yeah.

  Coach Beard : Perfect analogy.

  Roy : Yes, I am into her. But we all know who her ex-boyfriend is: the prince prick of all pricks. And I've got him stuck right in here.

  Higgins : I don't understand the problem.

  Nathan Shelley : I mean, Keeley's just so kind. You know, to be liked by someone like her must be... s'wonderful.

  Ted Lasso : Shout-out to the Gershwin brothers right there.

  Coach Beard : Fuck yeah, the Gershwins.

  Ted Lasso : But dang it, fellas, you're still not getting it!

  Roy : Thank you.

  Ted Lasso : Sure, Roy here has slept with a bunch of different people in his past. But Keeley's got her own romantic and sexual history that predates Roy. And that's not okay!

  Nathan Shelley : [beat]  Oh, he means the opposite. I love it when Coach does sarcasm.

  Roy : I can't control my feelings.

  Ted Lasso : Well, then, by all means you should let them control you.

  Higgins : He's doing it again!

  Ted Lasso : [smirks]  Good eye. Look, Roy, all this Chandler Bing-ing aside, do me a favor. Don't let her past muck around with y'all's future, okay?

  Roy : She slept with him last night.

  [pause] 

  Nathan Shelley : I mean, are you two officially dating?

  Roy : No.

  Higgins : Have you already slept together?

  Roy : No.

  Ted Lasso : Coach, you wanna bring this home?

  Coach Beard : Grow up... and get over it.

• Coach Beard : Something on your mind, Coach?

  Ted Lasso : No. Why?

  Coach Beard : We just had a five-hour bus ride where you didn't talk a lick, and that's a record by about five hours.

  Ted Lasso : [looks around, then moves in closer]  Okay, look, I'm gonna tell you something, but then I don't wanna talk about it ever again, okay?

  Coach Beard : Okay.

  Ted Lasso : I'm serious. I don't wanna make jokes about it, I don't want you to give me any knowing glances. You know what I mean?

  Coach Beard : Okay.

  Ted Lasso : Okay. Last night, I, uh... I slept with Rebecca's friend, Sassy.

  [pause] 

  Coach Beard : Wanna talk about it?

  Ted Lasso : I'd love to. Yeah. Immediately.

• Ted Lasso : Something on your mind?

  [Roy grunts] 

  Ted Lasso : Is that grunt all I get to go on? That's okay, I'll give it a shot here. Let's see. You are thinking about buying your first house. No, not that. Okay. You just realized your dad might be a little racist.

  Roy : Stop! He's in his 60s and he's from South London, of course my dad's a little racist! Look, me and Keeley might be starting up a thing, but every time I think about her, all I think about is Jamie fucking Tartt.

  Ted Lasso : Hoo wee! Sounds to me like someone's trapped inside life's most complicated shape: a love triangle. Second place, of course, is the I just walked in on my mother-in-law changing into her swimsuit dodecahedron.

  Roy : Does my face look like it's in the mood for shape-based jokes?

  Ted Lasso : No, Roy, it does not. But, in my defense, it rarely does.