The Hangover (2009)

Zach Galifianakis: Alan

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Stu Price : She's got my grandmother's Holocaust ring!

  Alan Garner : I didn't know they gave out rings at the Holocaust.

• Alan Garner : What if Doug's dead? I can't afford to lose somebody close to me again, it hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died.

  Phil Wenneck : How'd he die?

  Alan Garner : World War II.

  Phil Wenneck : Died in battle?

  Alan Garner : No, he was skiing in Vermont, it was just during World War II.

• Alan Garner : Can I ask you another question?

  Lisa : Sure.

  Alan Garner : You probably get this a lot. This isn't the real Caesar's Palace is it?

  Lisa : What do you mean?

  Alan Garner : Did, umm... did Caesar live here?

  Lisa : No.

  Alan Garner : I didn't think so.

• Alan Garner : Guys. Guys. What about the tiger? What if he got out?

  Phil Wenneck : Oh, fuck! I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger! How the fuck did he get in there?

  Stu Price : I don't know, because I don't remember.

  Phil Wenneck : Shh! Stu. Stu, keep it down.

  Alan Garner : One of the side effects of roofies is memory loss.

  Stu Price : You are literally too stupid to insult.

  Alan Garner : Thank you.

• Alan Garner : [looks at his manual]  It says here we should work in teams. Who wants to be my spotter?

  Doug Billings : I don't think you should be doing too much gambling tonight, Alan.

  Alan Garner : Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It's not gambling when you know you're gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.

  Stu Price : It's also illegal.

  Alan Garner : It's not illegal. It's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.

  Phil Wenneck : I'm pretty sure that's illegal too.

  Alan Garner : Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, bin Laden.

• Woman in Elevator : [looks at the baby]  Oh, how cute. What's his name?

  Phil Wenneck : Ben.

  Alan Garner : Carlos.

• Alan Garner : It was a real pleasure meeting you.

  Melissa : Fuck off!

  Alan Garner : I'm thinking about getting my bartender's license.

  Melissa : Suck my dick.

  Alan Garner : No, thank you.

• Alan Garner : Hello. How 'bout that ride in? I guess that's why they call it Sin City.

  [awkward laughter] 

  Alan Garner : You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack... it grew by one. So there... there were two of us in the wolf pack... I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast!

• Mr. Chow : You gonna fuck on me?

  Alan Garner : Nobody's gonna fuck on you! I'm on your side! I hate Godzilla! I hate him too! I hate him! He destroys cities! *Please*! This isn't your fault. I'll get you some pants.

• Alan Garner : [while picking up Phil at the school where he works]  Did you have to park so close?

  Doug Billings : Yeah, what's wrong?

  Alan Garner : I shouldn't be here.

  Doug Billings : Why is that, Alan?

  Alan Garner : I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school... or a Chuck E. Cheese.

• Melissa : Why would you go to Las Vegas?

  Stu Price : 'Cause my best friend was getting married, and that's what guys do.

  Melissa : That's not what *you* do.

  Stu Price : Really? Well, then why did I do it? Huh? 'Cause I did it! Riddle me that! Why'd I do it? You know, sometimes I think all you want me to do is what you want me to do. Well, I'm sick of doing what you want me to do all the time. I think, in a healthy relationship, sometimes a guy should be able to do what he wants to do.

  Melissa : That is not how this works!

  Stu Price : Oh, good! Because whatever this is ain't workin' for me!

  Melissa : Oh, really? Since when?

  Stu Price : Since you fucked that waiter on your cruise last June! BOOM!

  Alan Garner : You told me it was a bartender.

  Stu Price : Oh! You're right. I stand corrected. It was a bartender. You fucked a bartender.

  Melissa : You're an idiot!

  Stu Price : You're a - You...

  [struggles] 

  Stu Price : You're... such a bad person! Like, all the way through to your core!

• Phil Wenneck : Who's this?

  Doug Billings : It's Alan. Tracy's brother.

  Alan Garner : I met you like four times.

  Phil Wenneck : Oh, yeah. How you doing, man?

• Old Timer at Gas Station : [whistles at the Mercedes as Alan pumps gas]  Boy, you've got a sweet ride there.

  Alan Garner : Don't touch it. Don't even look at it. Go on, get out. You heard me. Don't look at me, either.

  [the old man walks away] 

  Alan Garner : Yeah. You better walk on...

  Phil Wenneck : [to Doug, inside the gas station]  He's actually kind of funny.

  Doug Billings : Yeah, he means well.

  Alan Garner : [in the background]  I'll hit an old man in public.

• Phil Wenneck : [after realizing that they have rescued the wrong Doug]  GOD DAMN IT!

  Alan Garner : Gosh darn it!

  Phil Wenneck : SHIT!

  Alan Garner : Shoot!

• Phil Wenneck : Whose fucking baby is that?

  Stu Price : Alan, are you sure you didn't see anyone else in the suite?

  Alan Garner : Yeah, I checked all the rooms... no one's there. Check its collar or something.

• Alan Garner : Do you know if the hotel is pager friendly?

  Lisa : What do you mean?

  Alan Garner : I'm not getting a sig' on my beeper.

  Lisa : I'm not sure.

  Alan Garner : Is there a payphone bank? Buncha payphones? Business.

  Lisa : Umm, there's a phone in your room...

  Alan Garner : That'll work.

• Stu Price : You are a fucking moron!

  Alan Garner : Your language is offensive.

  Stu Price : Fuck you!

• Stu Price : That is not Doug.

  Mr. Chow : What're you talking about, Willis? That him!

  Stu Price : No, I'm sorry, Mr. Chow, that's not our friend, he... it's...

  Alan Garner : The Doug we're looking for is a white.

• [last lines] 

  Doug Billings : We look at these pictures together, OK? One time. And then we delete the evidence.

  Stu Price : I say we delete it right now.

  Phil Wenneck : Are you nuts? I want to find out how I went to the hospital. Is that in there?

  Alan Garner : Yeah it's in there!

  Doug Billings : Guys, one time. Deal?

  Phil Wenneck : Deal!

  Stu Price : Deal.

  Alan Garner : OK.

  [the four of them look into the camera] 

  Stu Price : Oh dear Lord!

  Alan Garner : That's classic!

• Alan Garner : Hey guys, when's the next Halley's comet?

  Phil Wenneck : Who cares, man.

  Alan Garner : Do you know Stu?

  Stu Price : I don't think it's for like another sixty years or something.

  Alan Garner : But it's not tonight right?

  Stu Price : No I don't think so.

  Alan Garner : But you don't know for sure? I have this cousin Marcus who saw one he said it blew his mind I want to make sure I never ever miss out on a Halley's comet.

• Phil Wenneck : You're not really wearing that are you?

  Alan Garner : Wearing what?

  Phil Wenneck : The man purse. You actually gonna wear that or are you guys just fuckin' with me?

  Alan Garner : It's where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus it's not a purse, it's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.

  Phil Wenneck : So does Joy Behar.

• Alan Garner : Hey, Phil, look.

  [laughs hysterically while miming the baby masturbating] 

  Alan Garner : He's jackin' his little weenis.

  Phil Wenneck : [laughs a little]  Pull yourself together, bro.

  Alan Garner : [stops the baby]  Not at the table, Carlos.

• Alan Garner : I want you to know, Doug, I'm a steel trap. Whatever happens tonight, I will never, ever, ever speak a word of it.

  Doug Billings : Ok, I got it. Thank you. I don't think that...

  Alan Garner : Seriously, I don't care what happens. I don't care if we kill someone.

  Doug Billings : What?

  Alan Garner : You heard me. It's Sin City. I won't tell a soul.

• [In the wedding] 

  Alan Garner : How's my hair?

  Stu Price : That's good.

  Alan Garner : It's cool like Phil's?

  Stu Price : It's classic Phil.

• Black Doug : It's funny, 'cause just the other day, me and my boy, we was wonderin' why they even call 'em roofies. Y'know what I'm talkin' 'bout?

  Stu Price : No. Don't know what you're talkin' 'bout.

  Black Doug : Why not floories, right? 'Cause when you take 'em, you're more likely to end up on the floor than the roof. What about groundies? That's a good new name fo' 'em.

  Alan Garner : Or how 'bout rapies?

• Stu Price : We're in a stolen cop car with what is sure to be a missing child in the back. What part of this is cool?

  Alan Garner : I think the cop car part's pretty cool.

• Stu Price : Here's something I would like to remind you two of: our best friend Doug is probably face down in a ditch right now with a meth head butt-fucking his corpse!

  Alan Garner : That's highly unlikely.

• Alan Garner : [repeatedly singing]  And we're the three best friends that anyone could have!

• Alan Garner : You hear that? The baby's name is Tyler.

  Phil Wenneck : Yeah, I thought he looked more like a Carlos too, bud.

• Alan Garner : Hey, you guys ready to let the dogs out?

• Alan Garner : [after Chow crushes his bag]  Hey, there's skittles in there!

• Stu Price : [after learning the hotel room they had reserved only had 2 beds]  Phil, we're not even going to be in the room. It's one night, we can share beds. It's no big deal.

  Alan Garner : Uh, if we're sharing beds, I'm bunking with Phil. You cool with that?

  Phil Wenneck : No, I'm not cool with that.

• Doug Billings : Either way, you gotta be super smart to count cards, buddy, okay?

  Alan Garner : Oh, really?

  Doug Billings : It's not easy.

  Alan Garner : Okay, well, maybe we should tell that to Rain Man, because he practically bankrupt a casino, and he was a retard.

  Stu Price : What?

  Alan Garner : He was a retard.

  Doug Billings : [pronounces properly]  *RE*tard.

• Stu Price : So, uh, are you sure you're qualified to be taking care of that baby?

  Alan Garner : What are you talking about? I've found a baby before.

  Stu Price : You found a baby before? Where?

  Alan Garner : Coffee Bean.

• Stu Price : Ew! Alan, did you just eat sofa pizza?

  Alan Garner : Yes.

• Phil Wenneck : Stu, we don't have time for this. Look, let's go hook up with Doug, and we'll deal with the baby later.

  Stu Price : Phil, we're not gonna leave a baby in the room, there's a fucking tiger in the bathroom!

  Phil Wenneck : It's not our baby.

  Alan Garner : Yeah, I gotta side with Stu on this one.

• Alan Garner : Drivin' drunk. Classic!

• Doug Billings : At least our trip wasn't a total loss.

  Alan Garner : Why do you say that?

  Doug Billings : While I was stuck on the roof I found about 80,000 dollars worth of Bellagio chips in my pocket. Looks like we're heading home with some money, boys!

• Stu Price : [while Alan adds pepper to the roofied steak]  Why are you peppering the steak? You don't know if tigers like pepper.

  Alan Garner : Tigers *love* pepper. They hate cinnamon.

• Alan Garner : There's a jungle cat in the bathroom!

  [Phil walks into the bathroom, then hurries out] 

  Phil Wenneck : Holy fuck, he's not kidding! There's a tiger in there!

• Stu Price : You know, everyone says Mike Tyson is such a badass, but I think he's kind of a sweetheart.

  Alan Garner : I think he's mean.

• Alan Garner : Hey what's that on your arm?

  Stu Price : Oh my God - Phil, you were in the hospital last night.

  Phil Wenneck : Yeah, I guess I was.

  Alan Garner : Are you okay?

• Alan Garner : [while getting fitted for a tux]  Whoa, watch it, pervert!

  Doug Billings : It's ok, Alan. He's just doing your inseam.

  Alan Garner : He's getting very close to my shaft.

• Mr. Chow : I want my purse back, assholes.

  Phil Wenneck : What, your purse?

  Alan Garner : That's not a purse. That's a satchel!

  Mr. Chow : It's a purse! Okay? And you steal from wrong guy!

• Alan Garner : He seemed like a real straight shooter.

• Alan Garner : It'd be so cool if I could breast feed, you know?