Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

Winky-Dink Time (2008)

Jon Cryer: Alan Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Alan Harper : [about hookers]  What can I get in the two hundred dollar range?

  Charlie Harper : Crabs. And car-jacked.

• Charlie Harper : Her name's Alexis.

  Alan Harper : Alexis. That's a pretty name.

  Charlie Harper : They all have pretty names, Alan. You'll never find a hooker named Maude.

• Alan Harper : [hot woman with cute daughter Jake's age, talks to Charlie like they are old friends]  She seems nice. Uh, who is she?

  Charlie Harper : I have no friggin' idea.

  Jake Harper : I'll tell you who she is... the grandmother of my children!

• Charlie Harper : [about a hooker Charlie arranged for Alan]  She's willing to throw you one for $500.

  Alan Harper : Whoa! Ah, okay, uhm... Can I put it on a credit card?

  Charlie Harper : A credit card. Where are you planning to swipe it, Alan?

  Alan Harper : Alright, alright. I was just hoping to get the miles.

• Alan Harper : So! Are either of you going to tell me how it went tonight?

  Charlie Harper : Ask your bubble-headed son.

  Jake Harper : Ask your butt-headed brother.

• Alan Harper : [to Charlie]  Listen. How much is a hooker?

• Alexis : Shall we, uhm, take care of business before we get started?

  Alan Harper : [giddy]  Oh, oh, absolutely. Uh... uh, no... "no money - no honey"... no, "no lootie - no bootie"... "no cash advance, I'm not in your pants"! That was four hundred, right?

  Alexis : Five.

  Alan Harper : [embarrassed]  Oh, of course, five. Why did I think it was four?

• Alan Harper : So, did you make the call?

  Charlie Harper : Everybody wants me to pimp for them. I might as well get a purple hat, high boots and a full-length fur coat.

  Alan Harper : If anyone can pull it off, it's you. So, did you make the call?

• Alan Harper : [about getting a hooker]  Try to get a non-smoker.

  Charlie Harper : Sure. Who wants a girl who'd put one of those nasty things in her mouth?

• Alan Harper : As you know, I'm a bit of a bargain hunter.

  Charlie Harper : Yeah, but unfortunately, they don't stock hookers at the 99 cent store!

• Alan Harper : How much is a hooker?

  Charlie Harper : What? Alan, what are you gonna do with a hooker?

  Alan Harper : Well, I'd like to pay her to have sex with me!

• Alan Harper : [Looking towards his crotch as a hooker arrives]  Make me proud!

• Alexis : [Alan is kissing on the couch with a hooker]  Oh, baby, you really turn me on!

  Alan Harper : Hang on a sec. I'm a little bummed by that 'turn me on' part. I want to believe you, but I've been with enough women to know it doesn't happen that fast. Sometimes it doesn't happen at all!

  Alexis : Honey, I would not lie to you.

  Alan Harper : [Sarcastically]  Of course not, why would you lie to me? I'm just saying it would help if you could tone down the narration to a more believable level.

  Alexis : Alright.

  [They start kissing again] 

  Alexis : Oh, you are the best kisser!

  Alan Harper : Okay. Again! I happen to know for a fact that I'm not the best kisser.

  Alexis : I'm a little confused here!

  Alan Harper : I'm just not buyin' it! And since I *am* buying it, I should be able to buy it! All you have to do is tell the truth. There's no need for hyperbolae.

  Alexis : Alright.

  [They start kissing again] 

  Alexis : Oh, Alan, your lips are so thin and dry!

  Alan Harper : Okay, now we're cookin'!

• Rose : [Alan answers the door expecting a hooker but instead sees Rose]  Hey, Alan!

  Alan Harper : Rose? For God's sake! Did Charlie put you up to this?

  Rose : What are you talking about? Charlie didn't put me up to anything.

  Alan Harper : Right. So it's just a coincidence that I'm sitting here waiting for a prostitute and all of a sudden, you show up at the front door?

  Rose : [Dismayed]  You're waiting for a prostitute?

  Alan Harper : [Sheepishly]  No!

• Alexis : Sorry I'm a little late.

  Alan Harper : That's okay. As long as it doesn't come out of my... y'know, winky dink time!