Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

A Jock Strap in Hell (2008)

Jon Cryer: Alan Harper

Quotes 

• Alan Harper : Oh, come on! This can't be the first woman who had a nervous breakdown, lost her job and wound up taking her clothes off for horny strangers because of you!

  Charlie Harper : Of course not!

• Dolores Pasternak : Eternal damnation is no laughing matter.

  Alan Harper : I know. I've been married twice.

• Alan Harper : The story of my life. No boner goes unpunished.

• Charlie Harper : [Charlie, Alan and Jake visit the sporting goods store to get Jake a jock strap, which he doesn't want]  Think of it as a bra for your balls.

  Jake Harper : [sarcastically]  Oh, *now* I want one!

  Alan Harper : What size are you?

  Jake Harper : How should I know?

  Charlie Harper : I think they have one of those measuring things. You know, like at the shoe store. Length, width...

  Jake Harper : [to his Dad, somewhat desperately]  He's kidding, right?

  Alan Harper : Yes, he's joking.

  [hands Jake the jock strap] 

  Alan Harper : Here. "Teen".

  Charlie Harper : Think you can fit your junk into that?

  Jake Harper : I'll make it fit! Let's just go!

  Charlie Harper : No! No! No! Put it on over your pants! We'll take a look!

  Jake Harper : The heck you will!

  Alan Harper : Charlie, you're embarrassing him.

  Charlie Harper : Of course I am! That's why I came!

• Dolores Pasternak : [they're at the kitchen table]  Anyway, I just came down to tell you all it's time to get dressed for church.

  Alan Harper : [Alan, Jake, Charlie and Berta look a little stunned]  Uh, uh, gee, um, thanks for the invite, but, uh, Sunday is kind of our "me" day.

  Dolores Pasternak : [speaking ominously, while pointing upward with her index finger]  Sunday's not a "me" day, it's a "He" day! And "He" will strike down the blasphemers and the disbelievers with fury and blood-soaked vengeance!

  Dolores Pasternak : [as they all look at her in disbelief]  So, chop-chop! Washy-washy!