Family Guy (TV Series)

Ocean's Three and a Half (2009)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Carter Pewterschmidt, Dr. Elmer Hartman, Captain Seamus, A Live Ostrich, Eye Floater, Droopy, Mob #1, Bill Gates

Quotes 

• Brian Griffin : What's it called?

  Stewie Griffin : Susie.

  Brian Griffin : Wow, a song named after a girl. There aren't a million of those already.

  Stewie Griffin : Name twenty!

  Brian Griffin : Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison, Sarah, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria, Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From the Block.

  Stewie Griffin : Name six more!

  Brian Griffin : Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher.

  Stewie Griffin : Name five more!

  Brian Griffin : Tracy, Jean, Jane, Mary Ann, Eleanor Rigby.

  Stewie Griffin : [throws his guitar down on the ground; as he walks out:]  Go fuck yourself!

• Joe Swanson : Guys... put the money back and get outta there.

  Peter Griffin : What? Are you out of your mind?

  Joe Swanson : Tell him, Megatron.

  Megatron : Do as I command!

  Peter Griffin : Okay, okay, jeez.

• Cleveland Brown : [Voice Identification] 

  [In Carter's voice] 

  Cleveland Brown : It's me Carter, I want my money.

  Computer : Voice print verified.

  Glenn Quagmire : How the hell'd you do that?

  Cleveland Brown : I can do you guys too.

  [In Peter's exact voice] 

  Cleveland Brown : Hey everybody.

  Peter Griffin : [Peter brightens up]  Oh hey Peter!

  Cleveland Brown : No it's still me.

• Dr. Hibbert : [Bonnie Swanson is in labor]  Okay, Mrs. Swanson, you're almost there. Push! Push!

  Joe Swanson : Get outta there! Get the hell outta my wife, you little bastard!

• Joe Swanson : I don't know, Peter. We've been out here all day and we haven't managed to interest a single woman in our massage parlor.

  Peter Griffin : Wait a minute, here comes somebody. Excuse me, stressed-out lady. May I interest you in a full-release relaxation massage?

  Woman on street : Oh, yeah. Just what I need: To be rubbed down by a big fatty, an old black guy, a cripple and a pervert.

  Cleveland Brown : Now we don't have any money, AND our feelings are hurt.

• Glenn Quagmire : [to Joe]  Well, it's your fault for getting her knocked up. That's why I always use a c...

  [laughs] 

  Glenn Quagmire : cond...

  [laughs] 

  Glenn Quagmire : I'm sorry I can't even say that with a straight face.

• Carter Pewterschmidt : [after blending up a stack of $20,000 bills and drinks it]  In about an hour, I'm going to piss away 20 grand.

  Glenn Quagmire : What, are you gonna bet on the Knicks?

  [laughs] 

  Glenn Quagmire : Is that... I'm sorry, I mean how often, I mean... oh man, nobody thinks that's funny?

• Peter Griffin : [to Bonnie]  Okay, I'm going to turn on "Two and a Half Men." If your baby isn't brain-dead, it'll come running out to change the channel.

• Stewie Griffin : [Stewie sees Bonnie feeding Suzie]  Oh my god, she's so hot. Look at that, she can fit that whole bottle in her mouth.

  [he picks up his guitar] 

  Stewie Griffin : Alright, come on Stewie, you can write a song, how hard can it be?

  [starts strumming the guitar, singing] 

  Stewie Griffin : You've got your G chord right here./ It's like your cozy house where you live./ That's where you start your journey./ Here I am in my house, nice and cozy./ Then you poke your head out with a C chord./ Everything looks okay out here./ Maybe I'll take a walk outside./ To the D chord./ Oh, walking around outside./ Look at all the stuff out here./ Then we go to an A minor./ Getting a little cloudy out here./ Looking like we might have some weather./ Then we go to E minor./ Oh, definitely got some weather./ Things were a little more complicated than they seemed at first./ And then we go back to my house!

  Brian Griffin : [interrupting his song]  You sound like an unbelievable douche.

  Stewie Griffin : [Picks up the beat of his song]  Then, Brian comes in, and I change up the tempo./ Brian comes in, and he changes the song./ Looking at me, like he thinks I'm a douchebag./ But he's gonna learn pretty fast that he's wrong./ Hey, Brian, why are you bringing me down, man?/ Why are you bringing me down?/ DON'T BRING ME DOWN!

  [ends his song] 

  Stewie Griffin : Music and lyrics by Stewie Griffin.

• Stewie Griffin : [Stewie has just shown Brian his music video]  Don't worry, Brian. Those goosebumps will go away in about twenty minutes.

  Brian Griffin : Stewie, that is the worst thing I have ever seen, ever. And I've seen Peter when he's frozen in sex-face.

• Joe Swanson : Guys! Bonnie's going into labor! We gotta get her to the hospital! Quick, Peter, get the car!

  Peter Griffin : No way! I don't want pregnant mess in my back seat.

  Cleveland Brown : Oh, come on. You're the guy who soiled his pants while test driving that sports car.