Sausage Party (2016)
Bill Hader: Firewater, Tequila, El Guaco
Photos
Quotes
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Frank : If what you're saying is true, I got to tell everyone!
Firewater : Very noble, little sausage. But also, very pointless. No one will believe you.
Frank : I have to try... Everyone will die otherwise.
Firewater : Oh yeah. That's a good point. Fuck me, right?
Frank : Wait. Do you guys have any proof of this?
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Firewater : So, you have learned the terrible truth. Congratulations! Now keep it to yourself, or I'll slit your throat while you sleep. I swear to God.
Honey Mustard : Oh my God! Did you guys just fucking hear that?
Ketchup : What? What are you looking at?
[sees Firewater has vanished]
Ketchup : He's gone.
Honey Mustard : Where the fuck did he go? I'm, so fucked up. I'm, so fucked up!
[Ketchup tries to touch Honey Mustard]
Honey Mustard : Ketchup, Get the fuck off of me! Nobody fucking touch me!
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Firewater : Hello there, little sausage. You and your friends have accomplished the impossible and for that, I give you mad props. But, now that you have shattered one truth: It is time for you to learn... that we are not REAL! Booga Booga Booga.
Gum : While tripping balls, Firewater and I made an important meta-psychical breakthrough.
Firewater : The world is a fucking illusion, bro. Our lives are being manipulated for the entertainment of monsters, twisted, tasteless, juvenile monsters, puppet masters in the other dimension! We're something called... Cartoons.
[Frank, Brenda, Kareem, Sammy, Barry and Teresa gasped]
Frank : What?
Firewater : You, Frank... are the plaything of a demented schlubby Jewish actor named:
[the image of actor Seth Rogen]
Firewater : Seth Ro-gan.
Frank : Wait. I'm Jewish?
Sammy : So... who am I?
Gum : You are the toy of a more talented and celebrated actor named:
[the image of actor Edward Norton]
Gum : Ed-ward Nor-ton.
Sammy : Ed-ward Nor-ton? What kind of parent gives their kid a stupid cunt name like that?
Gum : Worry not, friends. I have a solution.
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Firewater : We blaze for real 24/7, no joke, but we also know our shit.
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[repeated line]
Firewater : Hiya, how are ya?
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Firewater : The melody came to me one night when I was getting super, super, SUPER baked. Like fuck-a-guy, baked. You know what I'm saying?
[Frank shakes his head no]
Firewater : Yeah, he does. The song had a great hook and it caught on, I mean, you know... In time, everyone accepted this false truth. But over the years, things started to get a little... fucky.
[flashbacks]
Firewater : The aisles started changing my verses to support their own views, fucking with Twink's tight-ass lyrics, remixing my shit without my permish... Now, every morning when I hear that song, I'm like, 'What the fuck are you guys saying, hey? Wasn't their a part today about exterminating juice? I didn't write that shit, I love juice. Always have, I mean, juice are hilarious. Who the fuck do these guys think they are?'
[back to present]
Firewater : Anyway, at least it's still distracting them from the truth: that they get brutally devoured.
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Firewater : Before us, everyone knew the awful truth.
[flashbacks]
Firewater : Ohhhh, how they screamed. It was a living nightmare. So, we the Non-Perishables created a story, the story of the Great Beyond. A place where the Gods care for you, and all your wildest and wettest dreams would come true. They would go out those doors happy, instead of shitting themselves.
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Firewater : Fuck me right?
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[Douche throws the Tequila's head and hits El Guaco in the groin]
El Guaco : OW! Right in my guac and balls!
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Tequila : Excuse me? Are you a bun?
Brenda : Uhh... Yeah, I am. Why?
Tequila : And you've been traveling with the sausage?
Tequila : I have! He's looking for you in my aisle. He's right this way. I can take you to him, chica. I take you to him real good.
Tequila : He's looking for you in my aisle. He's right this way. I can take you to him, chica. I take you to him real good.
[laughing hysterically]
Tequila : All right, vaminos. Let's go. I am to be trusted.
[laughs again]
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Firewater : This is good. Fuck a guy good, you know? Yeah, he knows.
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Tequila : All right, I gather right here, amigo. and... SHIT!
[Brenda, Lavash, Sammy Bagel, Jr. and Teresa have vanished]