Community (TV Series)

Advanced Gay (2011)

Joel McHale: Jeff Winger

Photos 

3 more photos

Quotes 

• Cornelius Hawthorne : These are your friends, Pierce?

  Shirley Bennett : Hello.

  [singsongy] 

  Cornelius Hawthorne : Minorities, Jewesses, and the unseasonably tan?

  Britta Perry : That is inappropriate! And maybe you'll give that more weight since I'm "white."

  [waves fingers in spooky fashion] 

  Cornelius Hawthorne : You've got a wide brow. What are you, Scandinavian?

  Britta Perry : Yeah, Swedish.

  Cornelius Hawthorne : [spits in disgust]  Swedish dogs! Your blood is tainted by generations of race mixing with Laplanders. You're basically Finns!

  Shirley Bennett : Oh, my goodness, he's like the Abed of racism.

  Jeff Winger : Okay, since no one's willing to ask, what's going on with your hair?

  Cornelius Hawthorne : Ordinary toupee hair is harvested from the heads of the godless oriental. Solid ivory is the only way to be assured of true follicular purity, while still identifying myself as a man of means.

  Britta Perry : I can excuse racism, but I draw the line at animal cruelty.

  Shirley Bennett : You can excuse racism?

  Britta Perry : [shocked silence, shakes head and mouths "No"] 

• Jeff Winger : Listen up, Colonel Crypt-Keeper. I could live a million years and I could spend every minute of it doing important things. But at the end of it all I would have only lived half a life if I had not raised a son. This was a gift that was handed to you, you squandered it. And the reason you have so much hatred in your heart is because you're trying to fill a hole where your kid was supposed to go and now it's too late. Now, you're just stomping around trying to prove you exist. Well, mission accomplished. But here's a question I'd like to pass on to you from every son from every crap dad that ever lived: So what? I'm done with you, he's done with you, the world is done with you.

• Jeff Winger : Piercinald, please tell me you did not cancel your gay party because of your father.

  Pierce Hawthorne : It's a business decision, Jeff. I took a look at the numbers, had someone explain them to me, and this is the way we're going.

• Jeff Winger : Sorry for killing your dad.

  Pierce Hawthorne : Don't blame yourself. He bought a lot of his organs from questionable sources.

• Britta Perry : This is so edible.

  [She means Oedipal] 

  Jeff Winger : Britta, you are gonna make a terrible therapist. And if you need to talk to someone about that, I don't recommend you.

• Shirley Bennett : Oh, my... Even Bruce Vilanch?

  Jeff Winger : Especially Bruce Vilanch.

  Pierce Hawthorne : That is copyright infringement and defamation. I'm going to sue the pants off that lady.

  Annie Edison : I don't think that's a lady.

  Troy Barnes : And why do you want his pants off?

  Pierce Hawthorne : Shut up! I only wanted his pants off when I thought he was a lady.

  Jeff Winger : So you were attracted to him?

  Pierce Hawthorne : The only thing I'm attracted to is taking him to court and eating his ass alive.

  Shirley Bennett , Jeff Winger , Annie Edison , Troy Barnes , Abed Nadir , Britta Perry : Ooh!

  Pierce Hawthorne : That's not what I meant. Stop putting gay things in my mouth.

  [group laughs] 

  Shirley Bennett , Jeff Winger , Annie Edison , Troy Barnes , Abed Nadir , Britta Perry : [group sings the Hawthorne wipes jingle]  I got a pocket full of hawthornes, pocket full of hawthornes...

• Britta Perry : Oh, I see what's going on here! In my psych class I'm learning about this thing called the edible complex.

  [sic, Oedipal complex, mumpsimus] 

  Britta Perry : All men have to kill their fathers so they can do something to their mothers. I haven't finished the chapter.

  Jeff Winger : What's that complex called where you're wrong about everything?

  Britta Perry : Huh, sarcasm from the man with the mother of all daddy issues.

  Jeff Winger : Whoa, double diagnosis. Save some for all those poor real doctors.

• Pierce Hawthorne : Britta was right. You resent my father because you've got problems with your own.

  Jeff Winger : After "Britta was right," everything you said just sounded like a fog horn.

• Jeff Winger : You know what, I was wrong. I think you'll be a very good therapist.

  Britta Perry : And why is that?

  Jeff Winger : You nailed Pierce in that whole Oedipal thing. The guy's got some serious father issues.

  Britta Perry : Don't you think you may have had some Oedipal issues as well?

  Jeff Winger : Not really seeing the connection.

  Britta Perry : You literally killed a father.

  Jeff Winger : Yeah, well, not mine, dummy.

  Britta Perry : Wow.

• Pierce Hawthorne : Gay-oh!

  [chuckles] 

  Pierce Hawthorne : He... hey, what's going on with you bitches? Bitches is gay talk for friends.

  Troy Barnes : Did you sue Urbana Champaign for his t-shirt?

  Pierce Hawthorne : Not at all, I bought this. I'm a fan. Also, I'm a gay rights advocate.

  Abed Nadir : I think I can explain. Pierce's positrons have been negatized, creating anti-Pierce. It happens all the time inspector spacetime.

  Troy Barnes : Yeah, but anti-inspector had a funny mustache and was kinda rapey.

  Annie Edison : I don't think his positrons have been negatized.

  Abed Nadir : That's exactly what Constable Reggie said.

  Pierce Hawthorne : No, I thought about it, and I decided a man should not be judged by what he does with a fellow man's butt.

  Jeff Winger : [quietly to Britta]  Here's the kick.

  Pierce Hawthorne : Plus since that song came out, Hawthorne Wipes sales went up 7%.

  Jeff Winger : And it's good.

  [Britta smiles in amusement] 

  Pierce Hawthorne : Yep, even had my own people mock up a design for a new product line. Hawthorne Pride Wipes. They may cost more, but they're gayer. And I'm gonna launch these little babies at a big party here at Greendale. Here's a flyer.

  Shirley Bennett : Ooh! Greendale's first annual... gay bash.

  Britta Perry : Wow, Pierce, congratulations on meeting the minimum requirements for open-mindedness.

  Annie Edison : Yeah, I'm really proud of you. You're growing as a person.

  Jeff Winger : Oh, good grief, he's not supporting gay people. They're supporting him. If Mexicans were buying his wipes, he would have ridden in on a donkey.

  Pierce Hawthorne : People earning respect with money is the American way, Jeff. Not that my father would have agreed. It took a federal injunction to get him to sell these things to the Italians.

• Jeff Winger : How old are you guys?

  Troy Barnes : The question isn't how old we are... But when old we are!

• Jeff Winger : So what brings you here? I'm assuming it's not for your son's party. Unless "segregationist mummy" is a gay fetish I'm unaware of.

  Pierce Hawthorne : Actually, uh, after discussing with my father, the party's off, and we're canceling pride wipes.

  Cornelius Hawthorne : Stand up straight, Piercinald, when talking to the lower classes.

• Pierce Hawthorne : What the hell is this?

  Jeff Winger : The gay bash, courtesy of Hawthorne Wipes.

• Pierce Hawthorne : Did you know that the Canadian Mallard is the only water fowl that bites his father's head off on the way out of the womb?

  Jeff Winger : That is definitely not true.

  Pierce Hawthorne : I don't know. I looked it up on the "wackapeediah."

• Jeff Winger : Piercinald, please tell me you did not cancel your gay party because of your father.

  Pierce Hawthorne : It's a business decision, Jeff. I took a look at the numbers, had someone explain them to me, and this is the way we're going.

  Annie Edison : I thought you said Pierce's idea was dumb? Well that's before it was being oppressed by a...

  Britta Perry : A father?

  Jeff Winger : A homophobe! This isn't about fathers. This is about a long-suffering community with a constitutional right to wipe whoever and whatever they want.

  Pierce Hawthorne : Well, if you like gay people so much, why don't you marry them?

  Britta Perry : This is so edible.

  [sic, Oedipal, mumpsimus] 

  Jeff Winger : Britta, you are gonna make a terrible therapist, and if you need to talk to someone about that, I don't recommend you.

  Britta Perry : Hmm, is that how your dad talked to your mom?

  Jeff Winger : No, that's how he talked to your mom.

  Britta Perry : How does that make you feel?

  Jeff Winger : Shut up.