Tonight, lucky Telstra has won a $1.1bn contract, and a lucky op-shop has been left $50k in a suitcase. Also, in NSW national parks, lucky animals can now be shot.
From the Roast Archives: NSW gets Random Breath Testing and Prime Minister Harold Holt drowns. Should have caught a water taxi. It's a 'Classic Roast'.
Australia is downloading Game of Thrones too much. A cartoon helps Chinese kids get rid of tapeworms and Clive Palmer's new political party. WARNING: May contain graphic violence, tapeworms, and images of Clive Palmer.
Tonight we read our airports report cards. Also, QLD health minister complains about complaints and a Twitter user asks if Black Caviar used steroids. So far Ms. Caviar has not responded - Because she's a horse.
Tonight the CEO of Myer thinks money is good, the Australian Christian Lobby opposes something bad and QLD Justices of the peace get to decide who is good and who is bad.
Clive Palmer denies Peter Slipper membership, the Pope canonises 800 new saints, and Canberra launches a "Skywhale". Expect Clive Palmer's "Skywhale II" soon.
In tonight's episode: tour operators oversell tickets to Gallipoli centenary, UN suggests eating insects, and it's budget night. That's right: two interesting stories. Also, it's budget night.
In tonight's show, Chris Hadfield returns from space, we cover queue-jumpers in Disneyland, and look at the budget: good news, the ABC got more money. Hopefully now we can afford one more special effects dog-sequence this year.
Tonight we investigate the food poisoning outbreak in Canberra, the effect of global warming on the wine industry, and nuclear waste being transported through Sydney. The Roast - now with superhuman powers and bizarre growths. - that also have powers.
Abbott has prolonged our budget reporting by replying to the budget, and Eurovision's about to begin. Fortunately we don't have to report on these stories because, like immigration, we're pretending we don't exist.
Looking at the soon-to-be reduced baby bonus, immunisation-only schools, and Russia's bid to be the first country to send animals into space and successfully bring them back completely dead.
Tonight on the Roast, we look at live gambling odds in SA, the cancellation of World Nutella Day, and Rudd's revelation as being pro gay marriage. Great news: now gay couples in 2007 can get married.
Tonight, the Pope allegedly performs an exorcism, we look at the pros and cons of "singles" carriages on trains, and liberals propose privatising the ABC. All that on The Roast, soon to be 8 minutes long with 2 minutes of ads.
Tonight, we look at WA potentially seceding from Australia, the police's new campaign against firearms, and, after Nick Xenophon, The Roast team become the final people in Australia to not start their own political party.
Job fears as Ford announces factory closures, toilet fears as Venezuala runs out of toilet paper, and security fears as Gov't releases a terrorist chemical watch list.
Tonight, we look at the celebrity members of Palmer's party, a nationwide ban on live odds, and censorship at the Vivid Festival: we submitted our own photo of a d***fl**ing shadow p***sh*nt but they wouldn't show it.
Tonight, Cardinal Pell apologises for child-abuse cover-ups, celebrity sports people influence our dieting habits, and China allegedly hacks the ASIO mainframe. How did they do that when they don't even have a proper Google?
After failing to develop superpowers, The Roast team are returning their radioactive ASOS belts. Also, election funding has been increased, and Bill Gates asks for more taxes on the rich: he's a real hero. Not like us - we just have radiation poisoning.
The Roast covers the increase in steroid use, raw milk and a bookshop where young men are being encouraged to fight in Syria. The only thing our bookshop has encouraged us to do is buy a Christine Anu CD, but we already had it.
Tonight we look at Telstra digging up asbestos during their NBN rollout, Australia thinking about becoming a republic again, and Japan promotes whale meat as nutritious - thank goodness whales are infinite in number and immune to pain.
In tonight's episode, we look at Japan spending tsunami relief funds on cheese, an increase in minimum wage, and Channel 9 retains cricket. At least we know it's still the same channel we won't watch when the cricket's on.
In tonight's episode we look at China's censorship of Tianaman Square, an Asteroid which narrowly missed earth and David Attenborough's cancellation of his Australian tour. Perhaps he'll send his brother instead, Clive Palmer's probably looking for a John Hammond.
Tonight, there's more infighting in Labor, Bob Carr admits he's not writing his blog, and a US company claims to have patented the podcast. Damnit. We'd just patented internet, sounds, and hearing.
Tonight, Aus govt stops helping Julian Assange, the British Government compensates Kenyan torture victims and Tajikistan President bans YouTube. It's a sad day for the people of Tajikistan, and cats. See you in a week.
In tonight's episode, will Rudd be leader? Also, progressive Australia to get a Ministry for Women, and Iran treats its female leader with scorn and prejudice - wait - sorry, that's the other way round. Well done Iran then.
Tonight, a Greek court demands the return of state television, Abbott gets 8,000 people on the phone, and Putin allegedly steals a $25,000 ring - such a shame, he'd been so nice up until this.
Tonight, there are riots in Brazil, a study shows most of Australian TV is news programming, and Cory Bernardi again links gay marriage to polygamy and bestiality: we at The Roast loved animals way before gay marriage was legal anywhere.
Tonight, Dolce and Gabbana jailed for tax evasion, the White House release a "School Shooting" survival guide and suggestions Channel 9 may influence cricket team selections...Will choose bad players so the cricket doubles as Funniest Home Videos.
Tonight we look at Abbott's plan for the north of Australia, a Greens senators plan to house the homeless and Instagram offers a video option. Finally, a way to share videos on the internet. That definitely does not already exist.
Tonight, Star Casino unveils its proposals for a resort, Edward Snowden is fleeing US prosecution to Ecuador, and Facebook accidentally leaks details of 6 million users, including Snowden's; he's just checked in at a cafe across the street.
Tonight, liquid breakfast drinks aren't as nutritious as you think, a man walks across a big empty space on a tightrope, and Australian supermarkets are using workers in sweatshop conditions, but not us: all of our jokes were written by free-range comedians.
Tonight, Snowden is still in a Russian airport, Prime Minister Gillard's knitting photo is apparently controversial, and Obama uses his executive power to tackle climate change - like a dictator, only he listens to science.
Tonight, it's our Labor Leadership spill special, not that we want you to think there's anything "special" about Labor spills; there'll probably be another one by the weekend.
Tonight, we look at Rudd's plans for the cabinet, a controversial video game is refused a rating in Australia and what Julia Gillard can look forward to post-leadership: probably knitting up her suit jackets where the knife-wounds are.