The Simpsons (TV Series)

Labor Pains (2013)

Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Abraham Simpson, Rich Texan

Quotes 

• Homer : Girls are great and terrible at the same time.

• Homer : [pondering]  Homer Simpson, do you really want to keep cheating your friends, lying to your wife, and avoiding your kids? What would Jesus do?

  Jesus : Hey, you gotta pay to find out.

• Gretchen : Do you have a cell phone?

  Homer : Everyone has a cell phone. Mine's at home.

• Homer : You like lies? Here's a few: college is expensive but it's worth it.

• Homer : [watching Gretchen's newborn]  It's a dude! And he's uncut! Very Euro.

• Rich Texan : Okay, fine. I'm gonna give it some thought, then say no in the nicest way possible.

  [pause] 

  Rich Texan : No.

• Homer : And now to sing you a lullaby my father sung to me: sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep.

• Homer : Oh, man, I really overdid it tonight.

  Marge : Late night at Moe's, huh?

  Homer : No, I'm exhausted from "Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes!" It's the toes that get you, Marge. It's the toes!

  Marge : What about your own children?

  Homer : Way ahead of you, Marge, I'm taking all four of my kids to the zoo tomorrow.

  Marge : Three!

  Homer : Yes, we'll be back by 3:00, Homer has a very tight nap schedule.

  Marge : Quit talking about that baby!

  Homer : I was talking about myself in the third person...

• Homer : [laughing at monkeys]  I have a soul and you guys don't!

• Homer : The sky is blue but nobody really knows why.

• Grampa Simpson : [surrounded by cheerleaders]  If this is heaven, why don't my shoes match?

• Homer : [to Bart]  I'll give you a goodnight kiss you'll never forget!

• Homer : [Gretchen goes into labor]  This reminds me of that scene in Alien.

  Gretchen : What?

  Homer : The scene where she escapes with the cat at the end!

  Gretchen : Well, that's sweet.

• Homer : Thanks for loaning me your sweater for the ride home. It may be a little stretched out.

  Gretchen : Geez, that was a pregnancy sweater!

• Marge : [meeting Homer at the supermarket]  Oh, you're shopping ahead for Maggie!

  Homer : Oh, no, I'm shopping for Homer Jr., a baby I delivered in an elevator the night I pretended to go to work but was really playing poker.

  Marge : What?

  [Marge starts beating Homer] 

  Marge : [frame pulls out: we find out this was all a Homer's fancy] 

  Homer : This simulation has been brought to you by your brain, a subsidiary of your penis.

• Homer : Kids blow up so fast...

• Homer : [finding out Gretchen's baby is been named after him]  So now there's two things named after me: a baby and a law banning air horns after 3AM.

• Rich Texan : I'm gonna do what we secretly did at Alamo: surrender.

• [Marge finds Homer playing with Homer Jr] 

  Homer : Aah! My other baby mama!

• Homer : You always said charity begins at home. But not which home!

  Marge : It's true, I've never specified the home...