This more than two hour long film will leave you paralysed, confused and disoriented. It's either filler to stretch the runtime, like a scene where nothing happens except a plane is taking off for three minutes with some classical music thrown in, like a scene where "characters" are walking down a corridor for four minutes with the karaoke version of the song we just heard playing, or a scene where "characters" praise their God (who is named after the director), or one of many many many tinnitus-inducing songs. The character designs are creepy. The grin and teeth of the overweight sharks are downright scary. Also brace yourself for the green blobs who have three eyes that look like human breasts and a second face at the bottom. If you don't take this warning seriously at least make sure no children are around
2 Reviews
Tommy Wiseau meets Neil Breen meets James Nguyen
plsshootmeinthehead15 May 2019
Warning: Spoilers
So after posting a review on the SHOCKINGLY awful 0000: A Shark Odyssey, which just so happened to be the worst movie I've ever seen in my life, I learned they actually dared to make a sequel. Thanks to the director again for making this film available for free on YouTube, because forcing people to spend even one penny on this could be considered a crime against humanity. I hoped to see a so-bad-it's-good film. I am very naive.
So I gotta give this film credit where it's due, because they improved on a few things. Even though like 60% of the film are still still images, there's a decent amount of movement, and the film is in color, but that's the absolute least you should do with a 2019 film you released in 2019. There is a HINT of a story and scenes that move the ""plot"" ahead, instead of another horrendous score there's incompetently integrated classical music, and they TRIED to fix the lack of character names. But that's really about it, because this is still the worst movie I've ever seen.
Let's talk about that "plot" first, a word you should use very carefully in this context. So you might think that plot outline reading "In the sharks' second adventure a shark's refusal to return a glass of pesto leads to a terrorist crisis." is a joke, right? But no, this is literally what happens. Like really? Do you in all honesty expect people to take this idea of a story seriously? I'm not kidding, after a shark accidentally trashes a glass of pesto that they were supposed to return, the shark they borrowed it from wants it back, and because for whatever purpose the sharks are able to track their trash on a website whose URL they read out loud in the movie (which says "Unfortunately, this page is only accessible from the sharkverse" - NOT KIDDING, they made an ACTUAL website!!), the shark goes to "the waste disposal place" (doesn't Ènèng know the word "trash dump"?) which was ATTACKED BY TERRORISTS (why for Goodness sake's would they do that?), so the other shark gets mad, burns down the other shark's house in anger, and in the ending... What for Christ's sake actually happened? Like they said they want to destroy the moon and they fire at it, but then a pause symbol appears, it zooms out to reveal the Iki God character played this on a computer, which zooms out to be revealed as a thought bubble of the shark who borrowed the pesto, who looks outside the window to see the moon blowing up. What happened?? Forget Neil Breen's movies, I'm so confused! As you can see, this film is filled with so much nonsense, every two minutes something incredibly stupid and confusing happens. But the real insult to the viewer is that the first FOURTY FIVE minutes of the film are dedicated to leading up to that name ceremony, which is portrayed to be a huge deal in the sharks' culture. They might've tried to fix the lack of character names from 0000, but it was executed in the worst possible way. The names they're given are Shoogledocking, Raisorshoorkle, Tooklepromsy, Loompershrankle and... Noodleprank, which is the most ridiculous BS in history. It's not just the names, but also that every single one of them has "le" and "oo" in it, and that the names are pronounced differently depending on the actor. The three scenes leading up to the name ceremony introduce six characters, half of which we literally never see again after the ceremony! The actual pesto stuff takes up less then an hour of the 132 minutes of runtime before the credits roll. The dialog is also atrocious. If 58 occurences of the word "yummy" from the first film were not enough, this film greets you with 254, if the abundance of shark puns from 0000 wasn't enough, this one doubles down on them so hard.
The acting? Uhm, there's really not much to say. These actors are STILL automatic voices, but at least that wasn't such a huge problem in 0000 because the lines were stuff people would never ever say, but when your movie features character's houses burning down and them sitting in a crashing plane, and they still lack any emotion whatsoever you should consider hiring real people to do the voice acting... Also, what is up with the voice pitches? Tons of characters sound like they have some sort of cold.
The music in 0000: A Shark Odyssey was the worst I've heard in my whole life, but they somehow managed to make it even worse this time around. Not only are there still neverending sequences of noises above 10000 hz all over the musical numbers, but the songs are much, much longer, two of them are over six minutes long, and there aren't three, but five of them! The music in the last movie felt incredibly rushed, but Iki Ènèng got professional at making these songs horrible. I never thought I would say this, but I just want to go back to the music of 0000... I regret saying I wanted the lyrics to be understandable. If you made a musical whose vocals were so distorted that you could hardly understand a word, the right choice for the sequel would be to not distort them, right? Well, guess what, that's not what they did. The vocals are more distorted than ever, and to tell us what they're saying they inserted in-video SUBTITLES! And while the English from this film was much better, this does NOT apply to the lyrics. How else could you come up with lines such as "Ha ha he he high high ho ho hoo hoo, la la le le lie lie lo lo loo loo, the dog says meow meow meow meow, the cat says woof woof woof woof, mice are tall and giraffes are small", "I'm from it that where you no day buy ever good why see us", "so I melted the window and used it as sauce for my grass salad" and "I am from Java, hence why my song is called Javanese Rhapsody, inspired off the song by the singer King"? I'm not being ironic, those are the actual lyrics!... The language breaks are so random as well, the longest song even uses eight or nine different languages, and it serves no purpose whatsoever. And even though they didn't compose another horrible original score, and instead chose to use classical music, it is more than just unfitting at times, far too sparsely used, and the audio bitrate is far below acceptable, especially during that song that's supposed to make us feel sad, which sounds like it was recorded in the 30s or 40s.
Something I honestly didn't expect to be THIS bad is the editing. This is Birdemic-level awful. At least before the studio logos there's an epilepsy trigger warning, which you should take the hell seriously, because almost every time there's a scene or layer transition everything flickers and blinks like crazy, and shots from earlier on appear in the mix. I think this was not intentional, because it would be so much work to do this on purpose, and work is something entirely lacking in this feature. But the video editing is Oscar-worthy next to the audio editing. Except for the sound of the trash truck the sound effects are just UNBELIEVABLE. I mean MY GOD, I have never heard something so low-quality in any film! The voice editing is also SHOCKING, every other second it sounds like they cut, rerecorded, and reinserted word or sentences, but you can tell exactly where it happened because they didn't do it at the exact proper time, and it just feels choppy. The sound also cuts out for a split second more often than I could possibly count, this happens in the middle of words and lines. And as I mentioned, they use automatic voices, which can't emphasize certain words, so to highlight important words they just make them louder. The sentence will start off at normal volume, and suddenly one word is thrice as loud, and the volume immediately goes back to normal, and it doesn't even fade in or out, it's just atrocious...
There's so much more I could talk about, for example, how the animation still doesn't even remotely deserve that label, and how there's 21 minutes of post-credit noise, but I just want to mention the character of the Iki God. That's right, the character who created what they call the "sharkverse" is named after the director, and the director is credited as the character's voice as well. And this film is THE pinnacle of narcissism. The sharks pray to the Iki God at least thrice, the Iki God is mentioned about 50 times, the Sharks are more over-the-top religious than any Atheist could ever imagine. The Iki God is THE moral authority of that universe, the characters listen to the Iki God's every word, and the Iki God is seen as the purest being imaginable by the Sharks. And of course the Iki God is almighty. If you want to write a paper on religious cults, you just HAVE TO see this film, you'll have SO MUCH to talk about...
After writing all that I think 0009: The Sharks Make Contact is even worse than 0000: The Shark Odyssey. It's just unbelievable, it will make you question the point of life. If you play this on a loop in a dark room, you have found the most effective interrogation tactic on Earth, this will get even the most determined criminals to talk. I recommend this film if you're into PTSD. This is currently the #2 lowest-rated item from Sweden on this site, out of more than 16000, followed by 0000 at #8. And you know what the worst part is? According to Ènèng's IMDb, they're making yet ANOTHER sequel... Stay the hell away from this franchise, for your own sanity!
So I gotta give this film credit where it's due, because they improved on a few things. Even though like 60% of the film are still still images, there's a decent amount of movement, and the film is in color, but that's the absolute least you should do with a 2019 film you released in 2019. There is a HINT of a story and scenes that move the ""plot"" ahead, instead of another horrendous score there's incompetently integrated classical music, and they TRIED to fix the lack of character names. But that's really about it, because this is still the worst movie I've ever seen.
Let's talk about that "plot" first, a word you should use very carefully in this context. So you might think that plot outline reading "In the sharks' second adventure a shark's refusal to return a glass of pesto leads to a terrorist crisis." is a joke, right? But no, this is literally what happens. Like really? Do you in all honesty expect people to take this idea of a story seriously? I'm not kidding, after a shark accidentally trashes a glass of pesto that they were supposed to return, the shark they borrowed it from wants it back, and because for whatever purpose the sharks are able to track their trash on a website whose URL they read out loud in the movie (which says "Unfortunately, this page is only accessible from the sharkverse" - NOT KIDDING, they made an ACTUAL website!!), the shark goes to "the waste disposal place" (doesn't Ènèng know the word "trash dump"?) which was ATTACKED BY TERRORISTS (why for Goodness sake's would they do that?), so the other shark gets mad, burns down the other shark's house in anger, and in the ending... What for Christ's sake actually happened? Like they said they want to destroy the moon and they fire at it, but then a pause symbol appears, it zooms out to reveal the Iki God character played this on a computer, which zooms out to be revealed as a thought bubble of the shark who borrowed the pesto, who looks outside the window to see the moon blowing up. What happened?? Forget Neil Breen's movies, I'm so confused! As you can see, this film is filled with so much nonsense, every two minutes something incredibly stupid and confusing happens. But the real insult to the viewer is that the first FOURTY FIVE minutes of the film are dedicated to leading up to that name ceremony, which is portrayed to be a huge deal in the sharks' culture. They might've tried to fix the lack of character names from 0000, but it was executed in the worst possible way. The names they're given are Shoogledocking, Raisorshoorkle, Tooklepromsy, Loompershrankle and... Noodleprank, which is the most ridiculous BS in history. It's not just the names, but also that every single one of them has "le" and "oo" in it, and that the names are pronounced differently depending on the actor. The three scenes leading up to the name ceremony introduce six characters, half of which we literally never see again after the ceremony! The actual pesto stuff takes up less then an hour of the 132 minutes of runtime before the credits roll. The dialog is also atrocious. If 58 occurences of the word "yummy" from the first film were not enough, this film greets you with 254, if the abundance of shark puns from 0000 wasn't enough, this one doubles down on them so hard.
The acting? Uhm, there's really not much to say. These actors are STILL automatic voices, but at least that wasn't such a huge problem in 0000 because the lines were stuff people would never ever say, but when your movie features character's houses burning down and them sitting in a crashing plane, and they still lack any emotion whatsoever you should consider hiring real people to do the voice acting... Also, what is up with the voice pitches? Tons of characters sound like they have some sort of cold.
The music in 0000: A Shark Odyssey was the worst I've heard in my whole life, but they somehow managed to make it even worse this time around. Not only are there still neverending sequences of noises above 10000 hz all over the musical numbers, but the songs are much, much longer, two of them are over six minutes long, and there aren't three, but five of them! The music in the last movie felt incredibly rushed, but Iki Ènèng got professional at making these songs horrible. I never thought I would say this, but I just want to go back to the music of 0000... I regret saying I wanted the lyrics to be understandable. If you made a musical whose vocals were so distorted that you could hardly understand a word, the right choice for the sequel would be to not distort them, right? Well, guess what, that's not what they did. The vocals are more distorted than ever, and to tell us what they're saying they inserted in-video SUBTITLES! And while the English from this film was much better, this does NOT apply to the lyrics. How else could you come up with lines such as "Ha ha he he high high ho ho hoo hoo, la la le le lie lie lo lo loo loo, the dog says meow meow meow meow, the cat says woof woof woof woof, mice are tall and giraffes are small", "I'm from it that where you no day buy ever good why see us", "so I melted the window and used it as sauce for my grass salad" and "I am from Java, hence why my song is called Javanese Rhapsody, inspired off the song by the singer King"? I'm not being ironic, those are the actual lyrics!... The language breaks are so random as well, the longest song even uses eight or nine different languages, and it serves no purpose whatsoever. And even though they didn't compose another horrible original score, and instead chose to use classical music, it is more than just unfitting at times, far too sparsely used, and the audio bitrate is far below acceptable, especially during that song that's supposed to make us feel sad, which sounds like it was recorded in the 30s or 40s.
Something I honestly didn't expect to be THIS bad is the editing. This is Birdemic-level awful. At least before the studio logos there's an epilepsy trigger warning, which you should take the hell seriously, because almost every time there's a scene or layer transition everything flickers and blinks like crazy, and shots from earlier on appear in the mix. I think this was not intentional, because it would be so much work to do this on purpose, and work is something entirely lacking in this feature. But the video editing is Oscar-worthy next to the audio editing. Except for the sound of the trash truck the sound effects are just UNBELIEVABLE. I mean MY GOD, I have never heard something so low-quality in any film! The voice editing is also SHOCKING, every other second it sounds like they cut, rerecorded, and reinserted word or sentences, but you can tell exactly where it happened because they didn't do it at the exact proper time, and it just feels choppy. The sound also cuts out for a split second more often than I could possibly count, this happens in the middle of words and lines. And as I mentioned, they use automatic voices, which can't emphasize certain words, so to highlight important words they just make them louder. The sentence will start off at normal volume, and suddenly one word is thrice as loud, and the volume immediately goes back to normal, and it doesn't even fade in or out, it's just atrocious...
There's so much more I could talk about, for example, how the animation still doesn't even remotely deserve that label, and how there's 21 minutes of post-credit noise, but I just want to mention the character of the Iki God. That's right, the character who created what they call the "sharkverse" is named after the director, and the director is credited as the character's voice as well. And this film is THE pinnacle of narcissism. The sharks pray to the Iki God at least thrice, the Iki God is mentioned about 50 times, the Sharks are more over-the-top religious than any Atheist could ever imagine. The Iki God is THE moral authority of that universe, the characters listen to the Iki God's every word, and the Iki God is seen as the purest being imaginable by the Sharks. And of course the Iki God is almighty. If you want to write a paper on religious cults, you just HAVE TO see this film, you'll have SO MUCH to talk about...
After writing all that I think 0009: The Sharks Make Contact is even worse than 0000: The Shark Odyssey. It's just unbelievable, it will make you question the point of life. If you play this on a loop in a dark room, you have found the most effective interrogation tactic on Earth, this will get even the most determined criminals to talk. I recommend this film if you're into PTSD. This is currently the #2 lowest-rated item from Sweden on this site, out of more than 16000, followed by 0000 at #8. And you know what the worst part is? According to Ènèng's IMDb, they're making yet ANOTHER sequel... Stay the hell away from this franchise, for your own sanity!
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