There's no hero here, there's no story here, there's no scares here, there's empty nonsense and a few jump scares. This is just as bad as the last Evil Dead film. WHY? Why did they make this? Why did they make the last one? Just so you could put Henrietta on a pizza box? All the people in this film are victims. There's no brains, there's barely any evil. You can't take the most iconic comedy horror film and barely use the main premise, a couple of similar weapons (barely used) and think that this will make a GREAT FILM. IT DOESN'T. There's nothing hard core here. It's not fun, it's not scary, it's SO forgettable I can't wait to forget it. It's not a modern twist, it's dumb. Every character in this film just stands there as stuff happens. There's no real fights, there's no attempt to be smart about a solution. I'd have rather not had a film then have this film. I can't believe Sam Raimi and Bruce put their names anywhere on this film. When you make a film, especially a horror film, THE EXCITEMENT IS SUPPOSED TO GROW. I got so bored with this film that I watched another film in between pauses. There's no charm here. The Evil Dead and Evil Dead II and Army of Darkness should never be mentioned in the same paragraph as this hacky, symbol stealing schlock. I'd say don't waste your time but I know you want to see for yourself. I did. What a waste of time. I don't ever want to see any of these actors again, in anything.
Reviews
42 Reviews
Emergency
(2022)
Afraid of the police? Welcome to the USA.
6 February 2023
Warning: Spoilers
If anything, I think they downplayed the actual response of the police. People of color, not stopping for police, in a possible kidnapping situation? There would have been helicopters, at least 20 black & whites, spike strips, and a full on felony stop with all guns drawn from a 50 foot distance. I understand this is a relatively low budget film, and it does convey the actual fear of someone that knows, and someone that doesn't know, what racist police are like in the USA, in a minimalist way. There is some humor early on to that makes the main characters likeable and has good setup for backstory and foreshadowing of the two friends parting ways. I liked that the conflict between them was double edged. One from the streets avoided the conflict with police but his lifestyle left fewer avenues of opportunity, yet the Princeton foreigner nearly lost his life in the police confrontation (a very real possibility) and has his spirit broken because of it in spite of trying to do the right thing. I'd like to see the short film this came from to compare the acting styles.
Rollerball
(2002)
Who to blame for how bad this film is..
20 July 2022
Based on the same William Harrison short story, Director from; 2 Die Hard films, Last Action Hero, Predator and The Hunt for Red October, pretty decent writers, at least one decent editor, Production designers from prominent films, DP ah there it is.
An inexperienced DP. This and the horrible actor choices. Chris Klein?? Really?? WHY the American Pie actor??
Have these people ever even seen the 1975 masterpiece? I don't think so. The budget on 1975 Rollerball was 5-6M$ which would be about 33M$ today.
The 2002 Rollerball budget was 70M$ more that twice that of the 1975 film (in 2002 dollars) They completely missed the mark. The raw brutality and corporate world domination and futuristic dystopia turned into pointless drivel. Someone should have been fired and the direction of this film corrected. Sometimes a film is plagued with bad luck. I'm wondering if this was the case here. Exorcist II: The Heretic was one of those films. I've talked to people that worked on that film and asked them if they couldn't see how badly this film was going as they were making it. They said that there were so many s storms (like locusts getting loose and dying) and also that when following a great film, people think that they don't have to try as hard because of the previous film, but that was a sequel. This film is 27 years later, basically a clean slate. The people going to see this film have either never seen the 1975 version or they are part of the small cult following that loved it. In 2002 (Lord of the Rings Two Towers, Chicago, The Pianist) Some amazing films were being made. Why did they go thriller instead of edgy? This was a HUGE gamble that was horribly conceived and horribly executed and they paid big time with losses at the box office.
How did they not see this coming? With a 70M$ budget, sometimes you're just happy to be working. I'm sure everyone took home a HUGE paycheck, they haphazardly threw the spaghetti on the wall and it didn't stick. No one wants to have their name on a horrible film but like I said sometimes you're just happy to be working.
An inexperienced DP. This and the horrible actor choices. Chris Klein?? Really?? WHY the American Pie actor??
Have these people ever even seen the 1975 masterpiece? I don't think so. The budget on 1975 Rollerball was 5-6M$ which would be about 33M$ today.
The 2002 Rollerball budget was 70M$ more that twice that of the 1975 film (in 2002 dollars) They completely missed the mark. The raw brutality and corporate world domination and futuristic dystopia turned into pointless drivel. Someone should have been fired and the direction of this film corrected. Sometimes a film is plagued with bad luck. I'm wondering if this was the case here. Exorcist II: The Heretic was one of those films. I've talked to people that worked on that film and asked them if they couldn't see how badly this film was going as they were making it. They said that there were so many s storms (like locusts getting loose and dying) and also that when following a great film, people think that they don't have to try as hard because of the previous film, but that was a sequel. This film is 27 years later, basically a clean slate. The people going to see this film have either never seen the 1975 version or they are part of the small cult following that loved it. In 2002 (Lord of the Rings Two Towers, Chicago, The Pianist) Some amazing films were being made. Why did they go thriller instead of edgy? This was a HUGE gamble that was horribly conceived and horribly executed and they paid big time with losses at the box office.
How did they not see this coming? With a 70M$ budget, sometimes you're just happy to be working. I'm sure everyone took home a HUGE paycheck, they haphazardly threw the spaghetti on the wall and it didn't stick. No one wants to have their name on a horrible film but like I said sometimes you're just happy to be working.
This movie can't make up it's mind
7 July 2022
Warning: Spoilers
Is this a comedy? Is it science fiction? Is it an action film? Is it fantasy? IT IS NONE OF THESE. I kept expecting someone that rated this really high to say, "MAN THAT WAS ONE OF THE BEST ENDINGS OF A FILM I'VE EVER SEEN!"
But there isn't one because this film is the same all the way through from beginning to end it's a random idea of "something strange you could do with your body" that a random universe is actually doing with your body and some unexplained technology that will instantly give you all the knowledge that strange person has to use in your own universe ..... TO FIGHT YOUR GAY DAUGHTER THAT HAS BECOME SO POWERFUL SHE THREATENS ALL UNIVERSES.
That's not brilliant, that's just dumb. So if you shove a anal dildo up your butt (which is in the film I'm not making this up) suddenly you'll get superpowers of a MCU level to fight. This film is specifically the reason that I hate all superhero films lately. All the good guys are invincible, they cannot be hurt, you know they're going to win in the end. So you can STUPIDLY do something silly, hit your earpiece and now you can fight like Jackie Chan on steroids.
PUH
LEASE
It stopped being funny 5 minutes in, this film is tedious and dumb. None of it even TRIES to make sense. A waste of talented actors in roles outside of their wheelhouse because they're outside of EVERYONE's wheelhouse.
Robin Williams would've have a difficult time acting in this film. I don't know what is attractive about this movie at all. Is it the short attention span of a hummingbird required to enjoy a character switching personalities every 4 seconds? Maybe a love of a 63 year old Jamie Lee Curtis dong unintentionally very bad kung fu moves?
This isn't a haha so bad it's good movie, it's a really bad film.
But there isn't one because this film is the same all the way through from beginning to end it's a random idea of "something strange you could do with your body" that a random universe is actually doing with your body and some unexplained technology that will instantly give you all the knowledge that strange person has to use in your own universe ..... TO FIGHT YOUR GAY DAUGHTER THAT HAS BECOME SO POWERFUL SHE THREATENS ALL UNIVERSES.
That's not brilliant, that's just dumb. So if you shove a anal dildo up your butt (which is in the film I'm not making this up) suddenly you'll get superpowers of a MCU level to fight. This film is specifically the reason that I hate all superhero films lately. All the good guys are invincible, they cannot be hurt, you know they're going to win in the end. So you can STUPIDLY do something silly, hit your earpiece and now you can fight like Jackie Chan on steroids.
PUH
LEASE
It stopped being funny 5 minutes in, this film is tedious and dumb. None of it even TRIES to make sense. A waste of talented actors in roles outside of their wheelhouse because they're outside of EVERYONE's wheelhouse.
Robin Williams would've have a difficult time acting in this film. I don't know what is attractive about this movie at all. Is it the short attention span of a hummingbird required to enjoy a character switching personalities every 4 seconds? Maybe a love of a 63 year old Jamie Lee Curtis dong unintentionally very bad kung fu moves?
This isn't a haha so bad it's good movie, it's a really bad film.
Army of the Dead
(2021)
Zach needs to be reigned in. SPOILERS
31 May 2021
Warning: Spoilers
I predicted every single plot point in this film. There were ZERO surprises, never ending, supposedly meaningful zombie stare down standoffs. The entire plot line of saving the mom turns out pointless. It would have been a more successful mission if the daughter had just stayed home and got a mani pedi. They get the safe open and then don't even TRY to take the money. This could have easily been a 100 min film (instead of.148) Didn't need the wedding opening, didn't need any of the zombie king/queen bs, didn't need any of the daughter plot line. Didn't need the zombie tiger. I understand what they were going for but it really doesn't need to be dwelled on for such a heavy handed, predictable story.
"WHATEVER TO DO, DON'T LEAVE MY SIGHT" of course she leaves your sight.
I'm just gonna get the copter ready.
Of course it's broken down So obvious that anyone that didn't have any lines wasn't going to make it out alive. How the HELL did no one get any of that money but a couple grand in the dad's pocket?? Why can you fly out but not in? It's the same damn airspace? Plus like every gun movie, clips only empty at key action plot points.
OF COURSE you're going to rip off the ALIENS 'escape ship had to leave' scene. Saw that coming a mile away.
Completely predicted who was going to make it out before they even went in.
WHY? This could have been a fun zombie heist film. NOPE. You're a film trying too hard, to be something you're not.
Welp I'm never watching that movie again. I even fast forwarded through the worst and longest parts. Started out strong, but falls flat after the beginning credits.
"WHATEVER TO DO, DON'T LEAVE MY SIGHT" of course she leaves your sight.
I'm just gonna get the copter ready.
Of course it's broken down So obvious that anyone that didn't have any lines wasn't going to make it out alive. How the HELL did no one get any of that money but a couple grand in the dad's pocket?? Why can you fly out but not in? It's the same damn airspace? Plus like every gun movie, clips only empty at key action plot points.
OF COURSE you're going to rip off the ALIENS 'escape ship had to leave' scene. Saw that coming a mile away.
Completely predicted who was going to make it out before they even went in.
WHY? This could have been a fun zombie heist film. NOPE. You're a film trying too hard, to be something you're not.
Welp I'm never watching that movie again. I even fast forwarded through the worst and longest parts. Started out strong, but falls flat after the beginning credits.
She Dies Tomorrow
(2020)
I'm gonna say spoiler but there isn't anything to spoil, nothing happens.
11 August 2020
Warning: Spoilers
NOTHING HAPPENS IN THIS FILM. NOBODY DIES. Well one person but you don't see it, just a body on the floor in the dark. If you like films with barely any light, barely any dialog, barely any story, zero substance, you'll LOVE this film.
The film BARELY alludes to a pathogen that moves through blood and is 100% contagious just by saying I'm going to die tomorrow. The (loosely termed) film goes through 3 couples and one single person's somber and mostly silent realization that they're going to die tomorrow.
THAT'S IT. There's no crazy crying, no crazy sex, no deep conversations, really no meaningful conversation of any kind in this 'film'.
The only subplots are: One couple wants pizza, she wants to make a coat from her own skin. She invites the biologist over. One couple's wife's drunken birthday. Oops you answered the door. One couple is breaking up (literally two sentences about it) they were at the party. The single woman is some kind of biologist that works from her dark spare bedroom and falls in love with the specimen on the microscope slide. She goes to the party, she's the ex-wife of the birthday girl's husband. She goes to a doctor, (there's nothing wrong with her) infects him, then roams the neighborhood and ends up at a house with two women (also dying) an dgoes in their swimming pool.
The only other thing in this film is some red and blue lights occasionally.
There. I've spoiled the ENTIRE FILM. What a waste of time and money.
The film BARELY alludes to a pathogen that moves through blood and is 100% contagious just by saying I'm going to die tomorrow. The (loosely termed) film goes through 3 couples and one single person's somber and mostly silent realization that they're going to die tomorrow.
THAT'S IT. There's no crazy crying, no crazy sex, no deep conversations, really no meaningful conversation of any kind in this 'film'.
The only subplots are: One couple wants pizza, she wants to make a coat from her own skin. She invites the biologist over. One couple's wife's drunken birthday. Oops you answered the door. One couple is breaking up (literally two sentences about it) they were at the party. The single woman is some kind of biologist that works from her dark spare bedroom and falls in love with the specimen on the microscope slide. She goes to the party, she's the ex-wife of the birthday girl's husband. She goes to a doctor, (there's nothing wrong with her) infects him, then roams the neighborhood and ends up at a house with two women (also dying) an dgoes in their swimming pool.
The only other thing in this film is some red and blue lights occasionally.
There. I've spoiled the ENTIRE FILM. What a waste of time and money.
The Two Jakes
(1990)
Nicholson's performance is great, it's his writing/directing that isn't.
1 August 2020
This film has A LOT benchmarks for a great film, but it's long drawn out scenes for no real interesting reasons make me feel like this could have been really tightened up in editing. (2hrs15min runtime) Writing/Directing/staring in a film, it's hard to have no one to say "let's pull this back a bit" There's so many great things about this film, Cinematographer from Close Encounters, Deliverance. The music is classic noir, the settings and production design top notch. Meg Tilly in her prime. Harvey Keitel solid as ever. Nicholson back as a scrapper P.I. (with continuity nose scar)
But the dialog, the pacing, the endless pauses. It's just trying too hard. It DEFINITELY was worth watching just for the sequel storyline and solid (yet lengthy) performances and pretty settings. A bit too cliche in parts (the ending mostly) but I understand what they were aiming for. I feel the aim was just a bit too high in some goals. Maybe if they had an experienced director at the helm, he could have made this a bit more captivating. Not really willing to sit through this again, but if you're a film buff, you should watch just to be able to say for yourself what you thing is wrong with this film. So many great individual parts but the sum of which falls short. It really is the film that could have been great, but isn't.
But the dialog, the pacing, the endless pauses. It's just trying too hard. It DEFINITELY was worth watching just for the sequel storyline and solid (yet lengthy) performances and pretty settings. A bit too cliche in parts (the ending mostly) but I understand what they were aiming for. I feel the aim was just a bit too high in some goals. Maybe if they had an experienced director at the helm, he could have made this a bit more captivating. Not really willing to sit through this again, but if you're a film buff, you should watch just to be able to say for yourself what you thing is wrong with this film. So many great individual parts but the sum of which falls short. It really is the film that could have been great, but isn't.
Sea Fever
(2019)
It's really a closer to 3 than 4
28 July 2020
Warning: Spoilers
STRONG start I was really into this film at the beginning. Then the scientist becomes the stupidest person on the boat. That just ruins it for me. Ya don't use any kind of disinfectant to sterilize everything, use a tiny car battery size generator to try to shock everything. SERIOUSLY?? This had potential but they should have consulted a couple of science people and some boat people too before making this film. I was hoping for a turnaround but it just gets worse. They really took themselves too seriously and then not serious enough. Either be a campy fun horror film or be a seriously scary film. I think you were trying to be a seriously scary film but it just got ridiculous and not in a fun way but a bad way. I wish someone would have warned me I would have saved the time. Was this even rated R? No gore, nothing scary, a little blood, some swearing. I think a 12 year old could watch this and not have any issues with it.
Annihilation
(I) (2018)
Scientists? Military? Anyone with common sense? None of these wrote this film.
30 May 2018
Warning: Spoilers
OK Let's start with the good. The special effects in this film start out pretty good and the cg in the end is amazing.
That's all the good, now the bad
In what world does any military operation let you choose whether you want to continue forward or not? One that has a procedure of coming down from a perfect vantage tower with high powered machine guns and night vision goggles to investigate loud sounds from a hostile in the immediate vicinity? One that finds the ONLY video record of a previous failed mission and 1) doesn't even watch it to the end 2) discards it as 'light tricks' and of no use at all and 'they must have gone crazy'?
In what scientific community (military or not) do scientists discover their group has missing time and does absolutely nothing to try and record or mark intervals and note (write down, mark your arm ANYTHING) when time passes? How in the hell do you see a hostile mutant giant crocodile, and one of your team are taken by a giant mutant bear and you want to go into the jungle ALONE to find them? Even if she were completely crazy, how does one woman overpower three healthy good sized women that all have firearms and knives that they carry at all times?
The final act is worth watching just for the cg. If the writers had only spent a few of those millions of dollars on consultants instead of day glow lichens, this would have been a more enjoyable ride, but as it stands I barely made it through there were so many WTF dialog and plot moments that I couldn't stop thinking "MAN this is really bad film writing" through most of it. If it was necessary to lose one character, let her own cloudy mind take her down the tower to be killed. NOT EVERYONE LOSE THEIR MINDS and act like a thirteen year old girl would in that situation. These are supposed to be seasoned military and highly educated women. I didn't buy it and it was insulting to anyone watching. How about showing some respect for scientific method and good old plain common sense.
So the moral of this story is, "If you're not sure what it is, KILL IT BEFORE IT KILLS YOU" ?????
What a horrible lesson for our already xenophobic society. Blech.
That's all the good, now the bad
In what world does any military operation let you choose whether you want to continue forward or not? One that has a procedure of coming down from a perfect vantage tower with high powered machine guns and night vision goggles to investigate loud sounds from a hostile in the immediate vicinity? One that finds the ONLY video record of a previous failed mission and 1) doesn't even watch it to the end 2) discards it as 'light tricks' and of no use at all and 'they must have gone crazy'?
In what scientific community (military or not) do scientists discover their group has missing time and does absolutely nothing to try and record or mark intervals and note (write down, mark your arm ANYTHING) when time passes? How in the hell do you see a hostile mutant giant crocodile, and one of your team are taken by a giant mutant bear and you want to go into the jungle ALONE to find them? Even if she were completely crazy, how does one woman overpower three healthy good sized women that all have firearms and knives that they carry at all times?
The final act is worth watching just for the cg. If the writers had only spent a few of those millions of dollars on consultants instead of day glow lichens, this would have been a more enjoyable ride, but as it stands I barely made it through there were so many WTF dialog and plot moments that I couldn't stop thinking "MAN this is really bad film writing" through most of it. If it was necessary to lose one character, let her own cloudy mind take her down the tower to be killed. NOT EVERYONE LOSE THEIR MINDS and act like a thirteen year old girl would in that situation. These are supposed to be seasoned military and highly educated women. I didn't buy it and it was insulting to anyone watching. How about showing some respect for scientific method and good old plain common sense.
So the moral of this story is, "If you're not sure what it is, KILL IT BEFORE IT KILLS YOU" ?????
What a horrible lesson for our already xenophobic society. Blech.
Alien: Covenant
(2017)
Spoilers, Well Ridley time to let go I think.
25 May 2017
I'm not really sure how, but Ridley Scott has now made the worst of all the Alien films. Even Resurrection was more interesting than this film. I went in with low expectations and I didn't expose myself to any trailers or spoilers so I gave it a real chance to rise above. I enjoyed Prometheus. There was so much from the original yet so much new and I thought while it still didn't answer many questions it gave a lot to the series and some good extreme moments but stayed true to the canon.
Covenant just doesn't make sense. Quarantine protocols are obviously mentioned, yet no one seems to use them in either of the last 2 films. How did David make an egg without a queen? If he could make an egg why couldn't he make an alien? How does the more advanced artificial person not outsmart the deficient one?? How does another Engineer ship make it to LV-426? Goddammit now we're going to have to sit through at least one (more likely two) more films to connect the whole series and this one didn't even make much advancement on the story. I just wish that both of the last 2 films would have been written with characters that were more believable. I'm not even talking about the engineers. The first film, the mining crew, even though it had blue collar individuals, they had concerns about being payed full shares and got ANGRY when one single alien was taking out their entire crew. They weren't exploring unknown planets with their EVA suits open smelling and touching as many foreign objects as they could before returning to the ship.
Aside from all the holes, gone also is all the tension, No one that rises above in the crew, no one to root for. I actually started rooting for the alien which I know won already because well LV-426. WE ALL know the aliens win. I understand the plot problems when you already know who has to win to connect to the first film, but I don't know anyone that would follow and trust a character that I just found out murdered other humans. It's completely safe just stick your head near the opening of a huge egg I just created. NOPE. This could have been the film that left you ANXIOUS for the next film, not dreading it. Now I just want to watch 1-4 and say OK the should have left it at that.
Covenant just doesn't make sense. Quarantine protocols are obviously mentioned, yet no one seems to use them in either of the last 2 films. How did David make an egg without a queen? If he could make an egg why couldn't he make an alien? How does the more advanced artificial person not outsmart the deficient one?? How does another Engineer ship make it to LV-426? Goddammit now we're going to have to sit through at least one (more likely two) more films to connect the whole series and this one didn't even make much advancement on the story. I just wish that both of the last 2 films would have been written with characters that were more believable. I'm not even talking about the engineers. The first film, the mining crew, even though it had blue collar individuals, they had concerns about being payed full shares and got ANGRY when one single alien was taking out their entire crew. They weren't exploring unknown planets with their EVA suits open smelling and touching as many foreign objects as they could before returning to the ship.
Aside from all the holes, gone also is all the tension, No one that rises above in the crew, no one to root for. I actually started rooting for the alien which I know won already because well LV-426. WE ALL know the aliens win. I understand the plot problems when you already know who has to win to connect to the first film, but I don't know anyone that would follow and trust a character that I just found out murdered other humans. It's completely safe just stick your head near the opening of a huge egg I just created. NOPE. This could have been the film that left you ANXIOUS for the next film, not dreading it. Now I just want to watch 1-4 and say OK the should have left it at that.
Arrival
(II) (2016)
Oh the stupidity, so many things wrong with this film.
17 February 2017
Warning: Spoilers
I'm a fan of SciFi, I'm a fan of time travel movies, I'm a fan of Amy Adams, I thought Sicario was a really good film. Arrival is one of the worst, poorly thought out, stupid alien films I've ever seen. I was appalled at the horrible CGI of the fake helicopters. My intelligence was insulted by the superior yet inept communications of the aliens. Why did no one think to show these guys a video? Really? a dry erase board? That's the best communication idea we have to share with an advanced alien race? This film doesn't have any deep meaning behind it, there's no 'leave it up to the viewer' interpretation. There's nothing that isn't completely pedantic, spelled out and spoon fed to the masses and nothing that brilliant or that isn't predictable either. I don't know why this film is so popular. There's nothing enlightening about language in this film. Inglorious Basterds had more incite to language and communication that this film. I honestly don't see any draw here. Is this for people that don't normally like SciFi? That have no concept of what a believable alien contact film might be like? Close Encounters is more plausible than this horrible representation. I can't imagine anyone would actually want to sit through this film more than once. It could have easily been edited down by 30 minutes and still conveyed its (weak) message. I find it difficult to believe that this is the same director of Sicario. Boo for the public having such low standards in movies.
The Neon Demon
(2016)
2 hours? Easily could have been less than 90min. (Spoiler)
1 October 2016
Warning: Spoilers
At the 55 minute mark I was still wondering if anything was going to happen in this film. After last scene my response was "Really? is that all?" There's more slow motion in this film than the past few super bowls combined. This could have been so much more. If they had developed the techno/alien/supernatural/hallucinatory visions the main character was having into some sort of plot line (any plot line really) it would have been more of a payoff. Instead all we get is three women nude bathing in blood. So many questions and so few answers. Were they cat women or was it just simple symbolism? Why did one woman reject the flesh while the others were fine? Is there ANYTHING more at work here than three flesh eating models? As I said could have been so much more and really should have been for a 2 HOUR FILM.. Meh. I gave it a 7 because of Jena Malone.
REC
(2007)
Some good parts but on the whole.. (very minute spoiler)
12 August 2009
Warning: Spoilers
I watched this movie with a clean slate. I had absolutely no idea what it was about except that a film crew follows a fire crew for one night.
As the realization of 'zombie movie' hit (fairly early) I was already let down. I was expecting something a little more believable. It still held my interest with not being shy with blood nor death, but the meat of this movie is really just a 'BOO' movie with shaky cam that quite frankly was getting on my nerves in a headache way not a horror tension way. There's constant yelling and chaos that is never logical, running upstairs then back downstairs then back upstairs then back downstairs then back upstairs that never really has a reason other than that there really is not a lot of plot here. The only saving grace is that it's only about an hour and ten minutes not including credits. So by the time you've had enough and really want it to be over (or shortly after that point), the (weak) climax kicks in and credits roll.
There are a few really great parts to this film but not enough to ever make me want to see it again or suggest it to another horror film fan. I can only imagine how poor the sequel is. I doubt it has any MORE charm than this film does. The zombies were just like all the rest, except for 28Days'/28Weeks' zombies or Zach's Dawn of the Dead zombies (more my type) I just didn't really feel or care for any of these victims at all. They don't try very hard to survive and even after seeing a dead person come to life, they don't ever think of dismembering the body of other zombies. Come on, this is 2009. Zombie dismemberment is common knowledge! Even in Spain! Just slightly more annoying than likable, I gave this film a 5.
As the realization of 'zombie movie' hit (fairly early) I was already let down. I was expecting something a little more believable. It still held my interest with not being shy with blood nor death, but the meat of this movie is really just a 'BOO' movie with shaky cam that quite frankly was getting on my nerves in a headache way not a horror tension way. There's constant yelling and chaos that is never logical, running upstairs then back downstairs then back upstairs then back downstairs then back upstairs that never really has a reason other than that there really is not a lot of plot here. The only saving grace is that it's only about an hour and ten minutes not including credits. So by the time you've had enough and really want it to be over (or shortly after that point), the (weak) climax kicks in and credits roll.
There are a few really great parts to this film but not enough to ever make me want to see it again or suggest it to another horror film fan. I can only imagine how poor the sequel is. I doubt it has any MORE charm than this film does. The zombies were just like all the rest, except for 28Days'/28Weeks' zombies or Zach's Dawn of the Dead zombies (more my type) I just didn't really feel or care for any of these victims at all. They don't try very hard to survive and even after seeing a dead person come to life, they don't ever think of dismembering the body of other zombies. Come on, this is 2009. Zombie dismemberment is common knowledge! Even in Spain! Just slightly more annoying than likable, I gave this film a 5.
Get Smart
(2008)
Review for Smart fans
24 June 2008
Warning: Spoilers
I thought the original series was one of the funniest, most classic shows. The combination of Mel Brooks and Buck Henry and sometimes Don Rickles was lightning in a bottle. A modern movie would never compare. That being said this film was entertaining and a 'good enough' tribute to the series. I must say I thought they really botched some of the most simple laughs from the series (um cone of silence). Slapstick is never enhanced in the least bit by cg. The joke is "Chief, I demand we use the cone of silence.. (reluctantly) oh alright (long detailed instructions) beat.. What?" belly laughs every time. How difficult is that? Apparently so difficult that it needs a full 3 min cg w/ no laughs at all. There were some good laughs but the shining light in this movie is Anne Hathaway! She's a great actress (even w/ not so great lines) and really put the time in the gym for this movie. Absolutely gorgeous. The plot line is predictable (for me anyway), the stunts pretty unbelievable, and really wasn't like Get Smart hardly at all. Yet still it wasn't boring and had enough relative to the series to keep me interested. A solid 6/10
Cloverfield
(2008)
Keep swallowing (lots of spoilers)
6 April 2008
Warning: Spoilers
Visually stunning, overall a great monster movie.
I found the acting to be atrocious. I understand that some suspense of disbelief is required to swallow that 4 people would run into destruction to save one of their possibly already dead friends, but how many times do I have to swallow? OK, go get the girl. OK, a girl is better defending you against LARGE alien spiders than your guy friend. OK, no one gives a crap about your injuries wipe them down yourself. OK, the military would let you film their ops headquarters. OK said military will befriend you and let you proceed alone. OK a toppled building is accessible. OK an impaled frail girl can run, jump, and not bleed or go into shock. OK, everyone (including hot impaled girl but not the pilot or co-pilot) can survive a helicopter crash from above NY skyline building level. ALRIGHT ALREADY, said impaled (though quite HOT) girl can rescue all survivors from crashed helicopter.
That's a lot of swallowing.
I still liked the movie, even though none of the people acted like real people would. I'd rather watch Independence Day or Starship Troopers. In fact I think I will. Not bad JJ I'm still looking forward to Star Trek!
I found the acting to be atrocious. I understand that some suspense of disbelief is required to swallow that 4 people would run into destruction to save one of their possibly already dead friends, but how many times do I have to swallow? OK, go get the girl. OK, a girl is better defending you against LARGE alien spiders than your guy friend. OK, no one gives a crap about your injuries wipe them down yourself. OK, the military would let you film their ops headquarters. OK said military will befriend you and let you proceed alone. OK a toppled building is accessible. OK an impaled frail girl can run, jump, and not bleed or go into shock. OK, everyone (including hot impaled girl but not the pilot or co-pilot) can survive a helicopter crash from above NY skyline building level. ALRIGHT ALREADY, said impaled (though quite HOT) girl can rescue all survivors from crashed helicopter.
That's a lot of swallowing.
I still liked the movie, even though none of the people acted like real people would. I'd rather watch Independence Day or Starship Troopers. In fact I think I will. Not bad JJ I'm still looking forward to Star Trek!
Things We Lost in the Fire
(2007)
Things we (sniff) lost in the (sniff sniff) fire
21 October 2007
Del Toro fans will love this film. He is true to form and again delivers an amazing performance as a recovering heroin addict touched by the family of his best and only friend. With a running time of over 2 hours, I did find myself wondering if this film really needed to be that drawn out, but extreme close-ups and lamenting of a lost one is no quick and dirty Hollywood stunt fest. 'Things we lost in the Fire' does a great job if you don't mind melancholy, and heart-string tugging. Some of the kids lines I found to be forced and cliché but their cute faces will (almost) make you forget about their bad acting almost right away. I also hoped for more screen time for Alison Lohman. Her talent is always the bright star in any movie she's in. Halle Berry did well but I am still waiting for her to top her performance in 'Introducing Dorothy Dandridge'. That all said, bring some tissues, this one's for the girlfriend.
From someone who has reviewed more than ONE movie ever
19 June 2006
I'm not sure why this movie didn't spark the interest that the other FATF movies did but I think this is the best one of the three. The cinematography was awesome, the women are gorgeous. The villain was believable, it has almost non-stop action, and some genuinely funny lines. I never believe any reviews from anyone that has only reviewed one movie because they obviously have an agenda in either over hyping or needlessly trashing a movie. What I don't understand is why isn't anyone putting legitimate critiques up of this movie. The weakest point in this movie is trying to swallow that a guy w/ a southern accent could so instantly be accepted and trusted in a prominent drift club in Tokyo. OK suspend that disbelief and this move MOVES! I never once felt bored or lost or clicked my tongue and rolled my eyes like I did in the last FATF movie. Maybe people were hoping for more of the same trash, I'm not sure but this is an above average, I'd even say exciting, summer race film not like many others. I hope this sparks some other real reviews.
Meet Joe Black
(1998)
big Claire fan? Watch w/ the sound down
20 September 2004
I think it must have actually said in the script "PAUSE A FULL 5 (OR 10) SECONDS AFTER EACH LINE" Now if you can stand this awful script, and love sappy love stories that have no substance and depend on 'meaningful glares' between beautiful people without any real acting going on, you'll love this film. There's no skin, no fun and no believable chemistry at all in this movie. I figure there is a whole generation of soap opera addicted, brad pitt worshiping youth that just love this movie. Claire is beautiful but the words coming out of her mouth here are all written for the above mentioned. I know she's capable of much better. Not even worth a watch on free cable weekend.
The Long Kiss Goodnight
(1996)
Renny; product of Hollywood (no spoilers)
23 June 2004
This movie is from the same director as 'Cliffhanger' and it really shows. In watching both these movies, you may find yourself asking,"I wonder how much money they spent on this?" The answer is NOT ENOUGH. Poorly written, every stunt is completely unbelievable and always leaves you with the feeling of -oh come on now. The flaws are too many to list. The highlight in this film is Jackson. He has the best lines and always the appropriate delivery. If you make it through this movie, watch at the end when he gives this look to the kid after she shouts from the front seat of the fleeing car "don't hit the cars!!" Even he can't believe the lines that were written for this movie. Could've easily been a PG-13 but they say $hit and fu*k a couple times to make it 'edgy'. The worst part is that Hollywood has given 'Exorcist 4:The Beginning' (creative title huh?) to this poor excuse for a director. If this is the kind of work we can expect, the legacy of those movies is truly over.
The Game
(1997)
Well written (couple spoilers)
20 June 2004
Warning: Spoilers
Michael Douglas' timing is superb in his delivery. There's a few holes in this plot but so many parts that just plain ROCK. I LOVE when the TV starts talking to him, "but why should that matter to a fat cat millionaire like...YOU...in other news" I can deal with movies where there's just enough meat to cover up most of the holes. This is really a captivating movie. The dialogue is really the meat, Deborah Unger (Christine) is totally believable. I had a hard time believing that Michael didn't suspect her being involved from the very beginning, there was so much engaging 'stuff' in this film it didn't really matter. I watched it a second time the next day and still really liked it. One for my collection.
Dahmer
(2002)
David Jacobson congratulations
16 June 2004
Way to go ace! You just made a chilling, grossly intriguing story of a necrophiliac cannibal into a soft, mellow, drama. Obviously a movie called Dahmer would be one of two kinds: Horror, or documentary right? This was neither. It wasn't close to any detailed facts, (in fact it barely had any substance at all) It wasn't really morbid or scary or didn't even try to be very disturbing.(as if you would've had to try!!) What the hell was this writer/director thinking?? Here's one of the most REAL examples of sick serial killers ever and we get badly shot, poorly acted gay bar roofie rapes and lengthy droning flashbacks to alone time in his old parent's house. I think Jacobson was actually trying to present (or invent) 'the soft side' of j.Dahmer.
Wrong Turn
(I) (2003)
jeezus that stunk
24 February 2004
I just watched Cabin Fever before I watched Wrong Turn. Cabin Fever, campy, Wrong Turn stupid. Cabin Fever funny, Wrong turn awful. Cabin Fever the flaws are planned and enhance the movie, Wrong Turn..was there a movie amidst the flaws?? I'm willing to suspend disbelief for a while but come on PU LEEEZE! I'm no doctor but USUALLY a shotgun wound to the back of the calf keeps someone from hiking, climbing 100 foot tall ladders, maneuvering from pine tree limb to pine tree limb, running, jumping, and all without pain. In the dark USUALLY you can see 3 large mutants carrying torches from above, while they might have a hard time seeing you. If you manage to sneak out of a mutant murderer's house, USUALLY you don't slam the screen door and scream on the way out. If you leave a truck with its lights on all night, USUALLY the battery runs dead. Usually fires tend to spread especially when you throw three molotov cocktails in the same room. I'm sorry Eliza I watched this because you were in it and if anything was skewed towards liking this, but I can hear even in your commentary that you're just being nice because the director is there w/ you. It would've been much more fun to hear you bag on the movie during the DVD commentary, this movie is right up MST3k's alley.
Cabin Fever
(2002)
Army of darkness fans-see it (spoilers)
23 February 2004
Warning: Spoilers
I'll start w/ the bad, reeeally predictable, but in this movie, when exactly what you thought was gonna happen happens, it's AWESOME! I laughed my ass off to some of the most sick, vile, and harsh biological terror scenes ever put to film. They planned it that way. It's not a really serious scary movie, it's a fun romp through the flesh eating, virus infested, hillbilly backwoods with two HOT babes and three average joes. This director really knows what it takes to make a fun horror film. Great special effects, professionally creepy soundtrack, nude sex scenes, dumb scary rednecks with guns, comedy, over-the-top violence, and not a lot of survivors. It was never boring and ended promptly on cue. 92 min w/ credits! If they had tried to make the characters really in love or have them actually try and conquer the virus- this would've been krap! Way better than '28 Days Later' It's not an award winning movie but I need this in my collection!
The Other
(1972)
Where's the baby HOLLIS???
22 October 2003
OH MY GOD,
This movie is so creepy. I have to see if the DVD is available for this. I remember this from childhood and just get chills from the sound echoing in my head of a finger being cut off w/ garden shears, 'Shining' like feeling of 'the game' and evil twin brother killing anyone that gets in his path. Great direction, acting, and writing. I see here on imdb that this same director did many great films 'To Kill a Mockingbird', 'Up the Down Staircase', 'Same Time Next Year' You can really tell that an experienced director made this film. John Ritter's first serious movie part ever. Up there with some of the best Stephen King stories. The Other will stay in your head whether you want it to or not.
This movie is so creepy. I have to see if the DVD is available for this. I remember this from childhood and just get chills from the sound echoing in my head of a finger being cut off w/ garden shears, 'Shining' like feeling of 'the game' and evil twin brother killing anyone that gets in his path. Great direction, acting, and writing. I see here on imdb that this same director did many great films 'To Kill a Mockingbird', 'Up the Down Staircase', 'Same Time Next Year' You can really tell that an experienced director made this film. John Ritter's first serious movie part ever. Up there with some of the best Stephen King stories. The Other will stay in your head whether you want it to or not.
The $treet
(2000–2001)
How unfortunate that the $treet was canceled
19 October 2003
Those ba$tard$ at FOX canceled this show cause it wasn't an immediate #1 show. This show had so much talent and promise. PLUS two of the best looking women ever to grace the media. Both Jen Connelly and Jen Garth. I KNOW that those execs were kicking themselves when they could've had a show with THE current academy award winning actress on prime time. That just doesn't happen. Too bad FOX just didn't have any balls, and rather would pay millions per episode for the lowest common denominator and same old money makers instead of backing talent and style that you only see on premium cable TV. How unfortunate. The $treet was the only series I've ever video taped to make sure that I saw it and I'm really glad that I saved those.
Tell Your Friends