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Reviews
Greenland (2020)
Disaster movie, but not how it intended to be.
Whatever happened to the disaster movie genre? This is a two-hour-long cliche with little to no substance under a rather dire surface. I also couldn't empathise with the central family, so the human element is sadly lacking too. Frustratingly for a movie that is 120 minutes long, every major plot point feels rushed and insincere as a result. As for the CGI... what were they thinking?! It looks incredibly low budget, and visually nowhere near even the likes of Deep Impact, Armageddon or Independence Day despite being 25 years younger. How much money and time did they spend on creating a terrible-looking scene of cars driving into an airfield? And why didn't they just, you know, FILM SOME CARS DRIVING INTO AN AIRFIELD?!
Pathetic attempt. Don't bother - really!
Star Trek: Nemesis (2002)
A welcome return to form
This is a good movie. I realise that sounds over-simplistic and trite, but given how bad Insurrection was as the previous instalment to the series I feel it's important to get things off on the right foot. This may not go down as one of the true classics, but it certainly packs a lot of punch as an excellent action movie and the weird joviality of Insurrection is largely replaced with threat and dread by the bucketload.
The story begins with Riker & Troi finally tying the knot aboard the Enterprise E, but their honeymoon is postponed when La Forge picks up a posotronic signal from a distant world on the edge of the Romulan Neutral Zone. Upon arrival an away team finds a dismantled yet active android which is seemingly an exact replica of Data named B4, which is taken back to the ship for repair.
Starfleet then orders the ship to nearby Romulus on an urgent political mission. A new leader has taken charge of the Federation's old foe; a Remun named Shinzon who spent years fighting his people's way out of Romulan slavery on their home world. Shinzon greets the Enterprise in a powerful, heavily armed, cloaked vessel named the Scimitar. When Picard and an away team visit with the new council, it's revealed that Shinzon is actually human in appearance and distinctly resembles Picard. He provides a sample of DNA which confirms that he is, in fact, a clone of the captain. Shinzon claims to want a new era of peace between the Romulan Empire and the Federation. However, Shinzon's true nature begins to be reveal itself when he activates and uses B4 to access the Enterprise's databanks which contains sensitive information on the locations of all Starfleet vessels.
Shinzon's real goal is to bring both the Romulans and the Federation to their knees so that he can rule over both. He intends to cripple the latter by using a new weapon powered by unstoppable thaleron radiation to destroy Earth. Picard is kidnapped by Shinzon, who then attempts to have some medical procedure performed on him. Data is able to rescue Picard from the Scimitar, by way of an outrageous and fantastic ship-inside-ship combat sequence. Meanwhile, Dr. Crusher realises through further study of Shinzon's DNA sample that he is actually dying due to some sort of genetic breakdown that can only be rectified by a full DNA transplant from Picard - meaning Shinzon needs to recapture him alive.
While the Enterprise E attempts to flee back to Federation space, it is attacked by the Scimitar and is badly damaged before it can rendezvous with the waiting fleet. Shinzon, realising he cannot lure Picard away, now plans to destroy the Enterprise and head to Earth to deploy the weapon before his death. However, just when it appears that the Scimitar will achieve this, two Romulan Warbirds arrive and assist the Enterprise in the battle. One Warbird is destroyed and the other crippled as the Scimitar slowly closes in to dispatch the Enterprise. Picard orders ramming speed and slams the bow of his ship right down the Scimitar's bridge, causing catastrophic damage to both. Shinzon's final desperate act is to engage the thaleron weapon against the Enterprise rather than Earth, but Picard is able to transport aboard the Scimitar and attempts to shut the weapon down. Shinzon is killed in the struggle, but the weapon remains active until Data is able to propel himself aboard from a gaping hole in the Enterprise. He attaches a site-to-site transport device to Picard, sending him to safety, but Data is then killed when he interferes with the thaleron weapon, destroying the Scimitar in the process.
A funeral is held for Data, Riker & Troi leave for the USS Titan, and the Romulans promise a new relationship with the Federation. The final scene sees Picard talking with B4 in his ready room in the hope that Data's previous attempt to upload his knowledge and experience might allow Data's conscience to be retrieved. B4 is seemingly too rudimentary to be able to do this, but as Picard leaves the room the prototype android begins to mumble the first line of a song Data that sang at Riker & Troi's wedding...
Overall I give this a very solid 7/10, largely due to how fast the entire 2h film passes by and a fantastic performance by a young Tom Hardy as the main protagonist.
Star Trek: Insurrection (1998)
What went wrong here? Seemingly everything.
I really don't understand where this one came from, and how such a boring, lazy entry into the series came directly off the back of two of the greatest sci-fi movies of all time.
Firstly, the story doesn't make much sense. The Enterprise is busy running errands while Commander Data has been attached to some random undercover research team that is observing a seemingly pre-warp race of humanoids on a planet which provides healing qualities and, eventually, the ability to reverse the ageing process. Data goes "rogue", is damaged, and exposes the research facility to the natives. Picard and co catch wind of this and rush to the scene, where some random Starfleet admiral decides Data must be terminated and the Enterprise must vacate the area for some unlikely scientific reason. It turns out that this admiral has convinced Starfleet that they should remove the inhabitants of this planet so that they can harness it's healing qualities, but he is actually in cahoots with a dying alien race who want to use it for themselves. I don't understand why they can't all just share it, for one thing. Anyway, it turns out the dying race and the inhabitants of the planet are one and the same. There's a ruckus on the planet, none of which makes much sense, and eventually Picard destroys the technology the dying race planned to use to steel the planet's powers. Oh by the way, Picard randomly falls in love with some 309 year old woman despite barely spending any time with her. I can't give you any more, as I didn't understand it any more deeply than that.
Rubbish storyline aside, the film feels cheap. It tries too hard to be overly jovial early on. There is no real sense of threat from the bad guys. The love story is laughable, the point that even the Troi/Riker relationship takes a battering. Worf is reduced to being a spotty teenager. The CGI is OK I guess, but the majority of the film takes place on the planet's surface so we don't get much of it.
I understand that some Trek fans rate this very highly; all I can say is we must look for very different things in the series. I won't be watching this one again in future, and 3/10 is about as generous as I can be and is purely based on some good Data moments.
Vacation (2015)
Genuinely made us laugh, many times
This film is ridiculous and genuinely very funny. I nearly cried during the "wingman" scene.
Inside Chernobyl with Ben Fogle (2021)
The triumph of nature over human error
This is not Ben Fogle's usual fayre, bordering much more on dark tourism than travel and adventure. However I really, really loved this. The insight into the inner workings of the Chernobyl power plant are great, but what really comes to the fore is nature's unexpected victory over a massive error of human judgement.
Threads (1984)
Simply shocking in it's graphic realism
Firstly, I absolutely cannot fathom how anyone ever thought it was a good idea to screen this to 11/12 year old children - seemingly as part of the UK's national curriculum too, given that so many people who have written reviews had the same experience. I hope it was solely done so to send a message to a generation of children that nuclear war is utterly incomprehensible and unacceptable, but even so I'm still not sure the end justifies the means. I'm a thick-skinned guy, especially when it comes to horror movies and gore etc, but this film left an indelible mark on me 25 years ago. Indeed, it's considered so horrific by the BBC that it's been banned since, but over time I began to question whether my dire, dire memories of it were accurate or had become somehow inflated. Having just watched it again out of some morbid curiosity, I can now confirm those memories are accurate.
It's is without doubt the most severely, graphically violent film I've ever seen. I'm not talking about violence as in fighting and guns either; I'm talking violent as in an assault on your very humanity. Close-up, prolonged scenes of people, including children and babies, dying in the most diabolical ways; their flesh being ripped from their bodies by the blast and heat from a nuclear bomb dropped on Sheffield. Faces melting from horrific radiation burns. People dying slow and painful deaths from radiation poisoning for years afterwards. Stillborn or deformed babies. Famine. Looters raping and killing children. You name it, it's in here somewhere.
Putting the subject matter to one side, if at all possible, the film is very well directed in terms of it's almost low-key build up and denial of the subsequent annihilation it depicts. The characters and their actions are still very much believable today, and it's very well acted throughout. You can feel the tensions rising via the news articles you see and hear in the background while people go about their daily lives. It's also incredible that the level of realism on display here was even possible, given the lack of CGI when it was created.
I will never watch this again, but I'll also never forget it.
Star Trek: First Contact (1996)
The Zenith of Star Trek Films
Watching the riot that is Generations immediately followed by this, in my opinion the slickest Star Trek film, really gives you the sense that you're watching the absolute pinnacle of the ST franchise.
The Borg return as the main agitators, and really come into their own as a horrifying enemy that fully deliver when it comes to threat and a sense of dread. They feel somehow even more parasitic than they do in TNG; perhaps because we get a different look at their process of assimilation or maybe because we're fully introduced to their queen.
The film really nails it's portrayal of Earth in 2063; it feels like the future, but simultaneously feels like "now" in comparison to the usual Star Trek universe. James Cromwell is fantastic as Zephram Cochrane, and there's also a shining role for Data who battles some very human demons.
This film also contains two of my all-time favourite Star Trek quotes. Firstly, Picard when explaining future economics to someone from the 21st century, says "the acquisition of wealth is no longer the driving force of our lives. We work to better ourselves and the rest of humanity". Secondly, when Picard accuses Worf of being a coward, the Klingon's perfectly-delivered response is simply "if you were any other man I would kill you where you stand!". You really believe that he could kill his captain in that very moment.
Overall, I simply can't score this any less than 10/10. It's perfect TNG-era Star Trek that races by all too quickly.
Star Trek: Generations (1994)
"Oh my...", a Perfect Storm
This, for me, is the perfect Star Trek movie. Even beyond that, it's a superb sci-fi action film that would rank highly in my list even if it was an entirely separate entity from the Star Trek universe. Is some of this nostalgia talking..? Possibly; I was 10 when this was first released and I can still remember the excitement I felt at the prospect of a ST movie with "my" crew, ship and universe, rather than just the originals. Of course, this one has both!
The film starts in the TOS era, with Kirk, Scotty & Chekhov overseeing the maiden voyage of the Enterprise B. While they take it for a spin they receive a distress call from two ships that are eventually destroyed by an "energy ribbon" of unknown origin, with only a few survivors beamed aboard. Two of these survivors are Dr. Tolian Soran (who will go on to be the main protagonist played brilliant by Malcolm McDowell), and Guinan who goes on to become the mysterious bartender on the Enterprise D almost a century later. During the rescue mission, Captain Kirk is seemingly killed by the energy ribbon ripping a hole in the ship where he was positioned.
Fast forward 78 years, and the film continues in TNG era. Captain Picard learns of the loss of two close relatives, and is seen in tears remembering them. Commander Data realises he is no longer progressing in his quest to become more human, and installs an emotion chip with the help of Geordi. The ship receives a distress call from an outpost that's under attack, and when they arrive on the scene there are only a handful of survivors of which, again, Soran is amongst their number. It transpires he is trying to harness the energy ribbon, as it leads to a heaven-like alternative existence called the Nexus where there is no time, only joy and immortality. He has enlisted the help of a Klingon Bird of Prey and it's crew in his efforts to destroy specific stars, which in turn will change gravitational pulls in order to direct the energy ribbon to the surface of a planet where he can be swept up in it. Soran escapes back to the Klingon vessel along with Geordi as a hostage, with Data paralysed by his newfound fear. The Enterprise figures out Soran's plans and hunts them down in the Viridian system, where Soran aims to destroy the star (at the expense of 230 million lives) in order to rejoin the Nexus. Picard negotiates Geordi's return in exchange for himself, and is transported to the planet's surface. The Klingons have rigged Geordi's visor and use it to learn the Enterprise shield frequency, allowing them to score direct hits with photon torpedoes and disruptors. Riker, Worf & Data use a flaw within the Bird of Prey's design to drop it's own shields, and destroy it with a single photon torpedo (and a highly satisfying call of "fire" from the former!).
Meanwhile, Picard fails at an attempt to stop Soran and the star is destroyed. The Enterprise, which was already crippled, is destroyed along with the rest of the star system. Soran & Picard are swept into the Nexus by the energy ribbon. Picard experiences an alternate life where he has the perfect home and family. He soon realises it's not real, however, and with Guinan's help is able to move around inside the Nexus and locate Kirk. They exit the Nexus together at the point where Picard previously failed, and this time are able to kill Soran and stop the destruction of the Viridian system. Kirk is mortally wounded in the struggle, however, and his death scene is both sad and wonderful in equal measure. "Oh my..." he whispers as he slips away; something which stayed with me ever since I first saw it 26 years ago and made me think deeply about the afterlife.
Is it flawless? No. Why would Data install an emotion chip whilst on active duty and without consulting his captain? How can multiple photon torpedoes and disruptor hits only wound a shieldless Enterprise, yet one in the opposite direction destroys a Klingon Bird of Prey instantly?
Does it matter that it's flawed? No. It's a two-hour riot of all that is good about Star Trek TNG, with some great Kirk scenes thrown in for good measure. 10/10, and will take some beating by anything later in the franchise.
Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country (1991)
An above-average Trek movie with a strong political theme
I first saw this with my dad at the old Odeon in Hemel Hempstead town centre. I was 7, and it was one of the first films I ever saw at the cinema. 29 years on, I can still remember the feeling of awe at the size of the screen and the loud sound effects. Amazing memories, but I'll put nostalgia to one side for the purposes of this review.
The film begins with an explosion on a Klingon moon which is so catastrophic it means their system can only support life for the next 50 years. The Federation offers a lifeline by way of proposing that the Klingons live in the Alpha Quadrant; but many older Starfleet heads (including Kirk) can't see past their hatred of Klingons and view it as a chance to destroy them altogether. Kirk and the Enterprise are sent to meet the Klingon chancellor, but while the two ships are side by side a cloaked Klingon Bird of Prey cripples the other Klingon vessel and two assassins beam aboard and kill the chancellor and a number of the crew. The Enterprise's own databanks are simultaneously altered to show that they fired the photon torpedoes that hit Kronos I. Kirk & McCoy beam aboard in a vain attempt to save the chancellor, and are arrested for his murder by Chang (a Klingon captain). During a trial featuring Michael Dorn as Worf (seemingly some sort of defence lawyer), they're sentenced to a penal colony on a frozen asteroid for life with no chance of parole. Fortunately Spock predicted this outcome and hid a tracking device on Kirk before they left the Enterprise. Kirk & McCoy are able to escape the colony with the "help" of a shapeshifter who is actually trying to condemn them further in return for her own release. This results in a Kirk vs Kirk fight, at which point the prison guards discover them and kill the imposter (by luck). The Enterprise beams them aboard, and they're able to figure out that a new Vulcan member of the crew was responsible for colluding with the rogue Klingons who assassinated their own chancellor. The Enterprise heads to a secret location to stop a further assassination that will ruin the chance of peace between the Federation and the Klingon Empire, and enlists the help of the USS Excelsior (captained by Sulu) in the process. When they arrive, they're attacked by the cloaked Bird of Prey (captained by Chang) and cannot fight back as they're unable to locate the hidden vessel. The Excelsior also takes a pummelling, but Spock & McCoy rig a torpedo to home in on the plasma vented by the Klingon ship. Following one of the most iconic orders to "FIRE!" in the franchise's history, the rogue Klingons are destroyed and the crew are able to beam down to the planet and stop the assassination attempt.
I can't lie; there are holes in it that 7-year-old me didn't appreciate when I first saw it, but it's still highly enjoyable for the most part. I personally find it a little too political for my tastes though, with a lot of scenes dedicated to courtrooms or political gatherings, hence my score of 6/10 rather than a little higher.
I'm excited to move on to the TNG-era films next; bring on Generations!
Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989)
If this was a person's first experience of Star Trek, it would surely be their last.
It's just a terrible story poorly executed, with very few redeeming features. The general idea is that a banished Vulcan, Sybok, gave up logic in search of achieving greatness through emotion instead. He has learned mind control powers (which seem to come and go depending on whether they fit the current scene or not). He lures the new Enterprise A into a trap, and steals it almost entirely unopposed despite many opportunities for someone to simply kill or apprehend him. He then takes it through the "great barrier" at the centre of the universe to find the planet Eden and God, only to find that it's actually some weird power-source version of himself waiting there. Oh, by the way, there's a crap crew of Klingons in a Bird of Prey trying to destroy the Enterprise while all of this is going on. Luckily some fat old Klingon is one of Sybok's hostages and convinced them to destroy power-Sybok instead.
The film doesn't even really feel like Trek; it's more a convolution of everything that's bad about Star Wars and Mad Max. It's so bad that it feels like they made some of the scenes up on the spot. The only enjoyable part, for me anyway, are the early scenes on Earth while the crew are on leave. Kirk free-climbs El Capitan and they do some camping, which provides some classic Kirk vs Spock vs Bones moments.
Overall I can't give it any more than 1.5/10. I'll probably never watch this one again, even if I do another full run-through.
Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (1986)
Crazy, messy, full of holes... but good clean fun!
This must be one of the strangest storylines in the entirety of Star Trek. The fugitive crew take their stolen Klingon Bird of Prey home to Earth to face the music for their indiscretions in The Search for Spock, only to find that the planet has been rendered helpless by a giant alien probe. The probe looks like a snapped crayon with a football sticking out of it, and naturally it's journeyed across the vastness of space to talk to humpback whales...
Putting aside the fact that there's very little Sci and an awful lot of Fi, there are massive gaping holes in the plot and every major decision seems to be made on a whim... what about the Prime Directive? Where does fully-controllable "time warp" suddenly come from? Why go back to the late 20th century? Why not go back further, and just take the whales from pre-man Earth with no trouble or opposition? I could go on... but that wouldn't be in the spirit of a film that is just brilliant fun to watch. It flies by in a series of mad capers and I don't think I'll ever get bored of watching them arrive in downtown San Francisco with no clue or how to behave, talk, or get around.
7/10 overall for me; let down slightly by some weak-ish CGI (even for the time), a poor musical score, and the aforementioned chasmic plot holes, but made up for in the sheer enjoyment factor. I'll never understand how they ever came up with this one, but in the end I'm glad they did!
Star Trek III: The Search for Spock (1984)
Entertaining, but thinly veiled
First things first; I enjoyed this from start to finish. It's short, snappy and action-packed, but it just lacks substance.
Too many of the major plot items don't make sense or aren't explained; how do they just up and steal a starship from a space dock? How is Spock still Spock? Why do the Klingons let them beam down to the Genesis planet when the Enterprise is crippled ? In fact, why are these warp-technology-developing, galaxy-conquering Klingons so damn stupid in general?
Having said that, it serves up some great moments. The Excelsior "stalling" after some nice sabotage by Scotty, the cloaking device on the Bird of Prey and the self-destruction of the Enterprise to wipe out most of the Klingon crew are all big takeaways from an otherwise slightly awkward film.
I give it 6/10 in total, as per my opening statement I fundamentally enjoyed the entire thing! Onwards to The Voyage Home!
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982)
One of the best!
YES! Now THAT is a Star Trek film. I was worried that 25 year-old rose tinted specs would mean I was disappointed by this one - no way. It has aged extremely well, as if two Starfleet vessels battling each other to the death could ever really get old anyway.
It's everything that Star Trek: The Motion Picture isn't. Fast, fun, and full of action. I'd forgotten just how awesome Ricardo Montalban is as Khan, and how great Khan is as Kirk's nemesis.
The film builds to the incredible crescendo of the blind battle inside the nebula where Kirk finally gets the upper hand and cripples the Reliant, causing Khan to try to wipe the Enterprise out with the Genesis device. Spock's sacrifice is brought to us brilliantly; it's not overly dramatic, but the poignancy of the act comes across perfectly.
9/10, only failing to achieve full bananas due to a slightly weaker musical score and the obvious re-use of a couple of scenes from the first film. Nicholas Meyer did an outstanding job on this, and quite possibly saved Star Trek as a whole. Another bad outing after the first film could easily have meant curtains for the whole thing.
Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979)
Stiff, rigid, slow... but still a vital piece of Star Trek.
The opening sequences are far too drawn out, and feel like the CGI guys were tasked with just showing what they could do in that era. The problem is, that era was 1979 and the CGI has not aged well (to put it nicely). I'm sure 40 years ago these scenes were stunning, but now they are just long, drawn-out, hum drum affairs. It's cool to see the "new" Enterprise, but it only needed a few seconds of external shots.
The story itself is pretty flaky and mundane. A giant mysterious space cloud destroys some Klingon vessels, so the Enterprise is rushed out of repairs and sent to intercept it. Spock and Bones tag along. The scenes where the original crew are reunited feel terribly forced, and try to emphasise sentiment that just doesn't really come across on the screen. In the end, the cloud turns out to be an alien named VGER, which in turn turns out to be VOYAGER 6. VGER is (pretty inexplicably) going to destroy all life on Earth until Commander Decker sacrifices himself to be reunited with his ex, who is now the physical representation of VGER.
The musical score is outstanding, and is the first time we heard the now-famous TNG "theme tune".
I wanted to score this lower, maybe a 3 or 4, but there's a big part of me that knows what this movie led on to and I just can't score it lower than 5 as a result.