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Baywatch: Mahalo Hawaii (1999)
Cliffface Philosophy
Mitch saves the same girl he saved last week again this week. Boaring. Jessie hates Kekoa, but her outfit when she goes to get Newmie could raise corpse cocks. Oh, yeah, Newmie's here. Peeps be like: Newmie is a real lifeguard. I be like: Big whoop. So was Ronald Reagan. All other sandcrabs are imposters. Spooky old man tells Jason he's not really from Texas. Wack. A+ vistas. 5 Stars.
Baywatch: Galaxy Girls (1999)
Magic Muscle
Galaxy brained beauty contest. Would you expect any less? I keeled over from all the suspense surrounding the real ID of the guy who looked like George Hamilton. Not for the faint of heart. Only steadfast steeds can watch this. Newmie's lonely and it's sad, not funny. Manny loves Stalinist police state technology. Yipee. Big brother watching! Even at the beach! How could life get any better?
Schizo ep. A+ sheilas in togs. F- encroaching NKVD + mocking poor Newman.
Baywatch: If Looks Could Kill (1991)
shimmering shining sensual
Painting lubricious verbal sculpture.
Twit jozzled / glowing gloriously / tasty morsel.
Fêted not vetted / unwedded but bedded / Hoff thought I'll pwn her and bone her / mini man maligned her, opined her.
Baywatch: Castles in the Sand (1999)
Take parts from 5 old wrecks and make one brand NEW CAR
Hoff so sizzling the chicks lose their minds. I don't know what accolades are but I don't think it's what I'll get for this lame joke formula.
Mixin' meta 4s like a nimrod bartender cocktails. This ep gobbles goose gonads.
Baywatch: White Thunder at Glacier Bay: Part 1 (1998)
Wild Love Life
Now that Neely's a MILF she's irresistible to old man wavy hair lifeguard stud, who scrambles to make himself two-legged hunkalicious romance bomb. Look how fatherly I am. Look. Look. Smooch by the pram.
Carmen Electra is a mighty fine poser. No complaints in this neck o' the wood.
Bear chase! Ep Ick Ep!
Castle (2009)
Surprisingly Good
If you like crime/detective stuff definitely give this one a try. The cases are complex, and the characters amusing. The acting is great and the stories oddly compelling. Every now and then a motif faceplants (poker? Really?), but it's consistently good.
Baywatch Nights: The Creature (1996)
Viele Sterne
Desirous security guard decides to play with genetically altered amphibian chick. Things don't go according to plan. Logically Teague brings in a lifeguard to solve the missing mutant mystery :-D.
Primo angry puma attack noises. 9 Stars.
Baywatch: Wave Rage (1999)
A very long advert for Seadooos
Foxes quarrel. Awesome red swimsuit sex bombs escalate feud. April lookin' mighty fine too. Tale twiddles and twirls. +10 stars. Depressing injury. -35 stars. Neely tortures Nitwit Stud Wavy Hair. +30 stars.
Baywatch: Double Jeopardy (1999)
Gag Me With A Spoon
Like, I don't know what incontrovertible means, but, maybe it's, like, not a pink Pontiac with the top down.
Like, I don't think it's fair, that they, like, keep writing, like, so many bogus scripts. Like, barf me out.
Baywatch: Water Dance (1999)
Lifeguard's ladyless life lingers long. Not.
Smokin' hot Viking lady plays the fiddle. Sumpn suspicious 'bout all these high falutin' black tie evening gown snobs. Curveballs every which way. Platinum blond curves visually delicious. Emotion jolts at the tower. Superb chapter.
Baywatch: Baywatch Down Under: Part 2 (1999)
Bold Boulder Lift
Prank played. Boy AWOL. Byook overcome with seethe. Upside down forced hanging fess up. Groovy optical sexiness. Decrepit rescue drama trudges along like frazzled Russian monks in the snow. Fiercely forgettable ep.
No churros. No Dimwit Pomeroy.
Baywatch: Baywatch Down Under: Part 1 (1999)
The Hemisphere Flip Reboot...
...that went nowhere. Meet some sexy Aussies. Boast of prowess. Deal with products of previous prowess. Shower scene more frigid than steamy. Speedo viewing bonanza. The dog is cute. They race. You've seen bigger turds.
Baywatch: Baywatch Grand Prix (1999)
Aqua So Salty
Alexis regresses to junior high and thinks about asking a boy out on a date. Tanner checks his email. Byuuk drives fast. Oh, and there's a rescue or something. A wet guy can't breath. They resuscitate him. I think I need to be pensive on the jetty for a while.
Baywatch: Swept Away (1998)
Alex meet Alex
Rookie lifeguard steals underwear model's pants as part of her loopy plan to seduce him. She burns her face on hot coffee but she does indeed, a la Twilight Zone, get her man.
Intense amorous end orphins messin' with her brain function, Jessie forgets that buses should stay *on* the bridge and *above* water. Fervent rescue transpires.
All the rest is really depressing stuff about child abuse. Do NOT watch this ep. Learn some cheerful old songs about hiking and fishing, and sing them.
Baywatch: Drop Zone (1998)
Lugubrious ain't my jam
Grab the tissues. Here come the waterworks.
Former cleaning lady is a ruffian and a car thief. Somebody dies and they're mega mewly. It's not a jolly ol' shindig. Not even a funny fancy-fête.
Badboys in orange. Artists in adorable dweebie hats. Newmie and Deke have an amusing cliffhanger. HeroHoff leads them in hugging and crying and then they have a water fight. Life is too sad to watch teary weepy sobby sobbiness like this.(weeping emoji) SKIPIT.
Baywatch: Chance of a Lifetime (1997)
Bye Twig
Her slenderness kicks the bucket. Stud Wavy Hair, the other Stud Wavy Hair, her husband, Dr Salmonrella, several juvenile delinquents, and of course Neely nemesis are there, on her honeymoon, on a sailboat, at sea, I am not making this up. Did they think the viewers would say "Oh, yeah. Just like a normal honeymoon"? Are we disbelief-impaired? What is wrong with us? Wood carving is nice hobby. Let's try that.
Baywatch: Boys Will Be Boys (1999)
Shabby Manny Mongo Manly
My memories of this ep are all foggy. Like I'm lost adrift directionless, and somebody's shooting artillery at me. E'body got a side dish but April ain't talkin'. Infantile mucho macho deportivo duo are comic platinum.
Baywatch: Come Fly with Me (1999)
Barfing Swimmers
He row Hoff steals from inebriated ophiologist. Brooke Burns is hot. It's like a barrel o' snakes with no barrel. Glib gondola globbing. Wow. Wiener man booted. Pater Malus crooks da Byook's yellow barque. Seething seeking n piquant pursuit supervenes.
Baywatch: The Big Blue (1999)
Trope Trope Trope
Nasty vindictive ex-boyfriend. A staple Baywatch trope. A terrible father. Like always. New characters the audience couldn't care less about, somehow fascinated the writers. Mitch gets a family to reconcile. We ben hier before. Diving both sky and deep.
Two stars for sexy romantic Cody in love workout montage.
Baywatch: The Edge (1998)
Edgy Ep
Rip current => Cody So Chill.
Good concept. Very poor writing ruins it. Zero Stars.
A+ hot babes. And tons of speedo beefcake. Ten Stars.
So what? Now I gotta average it out?
Baywatch: The Cage (2000)
Captain Blake's Shark Watch
Etmopterus Perryi. Sean not chums with chum chucking chud.
Baywatch: Friends Forever (1998)
Perfidy a la Mode
Extremely disobedient sissy baboon escapes punishment by playing the victim. Woefully naive He-man Herohoff falls for it. Gullible doofus.
Jessie's pedantic know-it-all streak streaks naked across the screen, to the horror of all. Then Cody joins in. Anyhow Herbert's livelihood is kaput.
10 points for surprising twist. The perfidious deaf-girl is the villain. Did not see that coming.
Baywatch: The Swimmer (1998)
molto amaro
Oh, green-eyed beach, thy name is envy, thy number 277.