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Pearl Harbor (2001)
The worst title in the Disney library... and Michael Bay's resume too.
I am definitely no fan of Michael Bay, and I doubt you are either. So what's the first thing you think of when you see his name on a Titanic wannabe WWII romantic drama retelling the day of infamy? 3 hours of painful romantic chemistry with cringeworthy dialogue that tries too hard to make you cry when the only tears you'll be crying are from the frustration of waiting for this desperate corny drag of a movie to come to an end. Would you have any hope for Michael Bay retelling history after all that?
And yes, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was more entertaining.
Fantastic Four (2015)
Who ever thought a superhero movie could make you fall asleep.
What's the definition of a superhero movie? Super people doing super things, or four uninteresting people sitting in a dark room talking for over an hour? The latter is what makes FANT4STIC perhaps the dullest experience Marvel has ever put on the big screen. And yes, the 2005 movie belongs in the MCU compared to this snore fest.
SpongeBob SquarePants: The Splinter/Slide Whistle Stooges (2008)
Even crazy SpongeBob fans are bound to get traumatised by this one.
The Splinter is a disgusting experience filled with vomit-worthy imagery and a filler-reliant story. Overall, even kids who are such crazy SpongeBob fans are bound to get traumatised by this one.
Titanic - La leggenda continua (2000)
A rapping dog on the Titanic?
Someone thought it was a good idea to Disneyfy James Cameron's Titanic and throw a a bunch of talking animals, including a rapping dog, into the mix. Need I say more?
La leggenda del Titanic (1999)
Leave the fairytales to Disney and leave the story of the Titanic to the History Channel.
And now that we have the rapping dog out of the way, let's force in more talking animals, incomprehensible magic, evil whalers and sharks, a giant octopus that throws the iceberg into the ship's path, and a climax where everyone is saved by the octopus and disregards tragic history all for a forced wishy washy sickly saccharine happily ever after ending. And I thought it couldn't sink any lower.
Tentacolino (2004)
The fact that it disregards the Titanic is just the tip of the iceberg.
Just when I thought things couldn't sink any lower, how about we make a sequel about the Titanic that has nothing to do with the Titanic, have our heroes visit Atlantis, let a shark copy the rapping dog, and throw any logic and sense out the window. Is it just me or do I sound mad for explaining all this with a straight face?
The Amazing World of Gumball: The Triangle (2015)
What happened to the triangle?
First, we start The Triangle by setting up a plot that has nothing to do with the triangle. Then, we substitute the triangle with unfunny jokes and a cruel story filled with the meanest characters Gumball ever has to spend the day with.
The Amazing World of Gumball: The Rival (2018)
11 minutes of two toddlers getting tortured by their baby sister.
This does not feel like a Gumball episode. This feels like 11 minutes of watching two toddlers getting tortured by their baby sister and their braindead parents doing nothing about it which, by the way, isn't entertaining in the slightest. What completely destroys this episode for me is the fact that we're meant to look Anais the same way after this unappealing experience that is bound to turn away even the most hardcore of fans.
The Simpsons: The Boys of Bummer (2007)
A basic recipe for a disastrous Simpsons episode.
Who in the right mind would want to watch 30 cruel minutes of Bart Simpson getting scorned by Springfield over missing a baseball catch? Now add the townsfolk encouraging the poor kid to jump off a water tower and you get a basic recipe for a disastrous Simpsons episode.
The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)
It's now pretty clear why George Lucas wants every copy smashed with a hammer.
What comes to mind when you think of Star Wars? An hour and a half of Wookiee gibberish mixed with pointless anthology segments that do nothing other than either indulge in celebrity guest appearances or show off cartoon pilots that will never see the light of day? It's now pretty clear why George Lucas wants every copy smashed with a hammer.
Foodfight! (2012)
A stain on the face of animation.
Charlie Sheen and Wayne Brady find themselves casted in an hour and a half's worth of nightmarish animation, dirty humour, disgusting characters, and a story that in no ways even tries to make any sense in any way. Even sitting through this stain on the face of animation for 5 minutes will send the kids screaming under their seats while the parents question what in the name of Earth, Heaven, Hell and in between they were thinking when they made the mistake of renting it.
Back to the Outback (2021)
The Outback was rough but thrilling experience.
Here is the animated film from Netflix I've had low expectations on. The trailer presented mediocre results, but I still wanted to see if the movie probably had something I just wasn't seeing. And here it is. Back to the Outback. Was is worth it?
The basic premise is that four animals, where they'd be venomous, spikey, or just plain vicious, are tired of being judged as monsters and escape the reptile park they've been held captive in to live in the wild. I neat idea. Never heard it attempted before, so let's see how it's done.
When it comes to the execution, I have mixed feeling towards it. For one, the tone is pretty consistent and knows when to jump for silly to serious. The moral is of course 'don't judge a book by it's cover', which has been a thousand times before, but is still relevant to the film. Probably the aspect that I'm most mixed o was the humour. While there were plenty of times I laughed a bit, there were also plenty of times I found myself facepalming, mainly when it comes to the comedy I most despise; toilet humour.
The characters did generate mixed results as well. For starters, we have our four judged protagonists. Maddie the Inland taipan is a tolerable protagonist. A little bland, but not so shallow. When it comes to Pretty Boy, now that's where the movie gets tough to watch. Around the first half, he is such a despicable jerk. It's especially hard to like him when he tells Maddie and her friends that no family would ever want them. I never thought it a character could loose his credibility in when he first says a word. He does get more tolerable in the end, but that's like an old filthy bus that was just fitted with air conditioning, just a minor improvement. The rest of the cast range from decent like Frank the funnel-web spider, Zoe the thorny devil, and Jackie the saltwater crocodile, and bland like Chaz the antagonistic zookeeper.
Probably the movie's strongpoint is the animation. The representation of Australia ranging from Sydney to the Blue Mountains to the Outback is well crafted. And the character designs are nicely done too. The cute appearance of our heroes kinda supports the film's message about not judging others. The character animation is also spot on, with a decent blend between cartoony and down-to-earth movements. It's no secret that this was done by the talented artists responsible for The Book of Life.
I certainly found it a bumpy but enjoyable ride. Only held back by a few unfunny jokes and it's predictability, Back to the Outback is still a fun flick I'm glad I had the time to watch. While I'm sure it will be hit-or-miss for the adult crowd, it looks like just enough to keep kids entertained throughout the running time. It's colourful, cute, funny, and at times heartwarming. A definite recommendation for those under 12.