Reviews

When watching Catwoman, it is justifiable and understandable to enter a fit of rage for seemingly no reason. Subconsciously, this is your body using its animal instinct, fight or flight if you will, in an attempt to get as far away from this 'movie' as possible. This is the worst film ever made. Halle "I won an Oscar for sleeping with Billy Bob Thornton on camera" Berry pretends to act here, portraying Patience Phillips (Selina Kyle anyone?) a loser who works at an evil makeup company, wherein she stumbles upon an evil makeup plot by Sharon Stone and her evil homosexual sidekick. I guess it makes sense, especially to a man simply known as Pitof, who directed this mess. Direction would allude to clarity, which this film does not contain, most likely due to the fact that does not speak English. If he could, there is NO WAY that he would have read the script and felt that it was appropriate to go ahead and make this into a film. Lets not even get into specifics here, because the cinematography, soundtrack, CGI, and especially the acting is the worst I have ever seen. If you don't believe me watch the basketball scene and see if you don't want to hurt people. Watching this film is like someone punching your mother in the face. I tried, I desperately tried to finish the film twice, and neither time my intelligence and dignity simply wouldn't let me. Its just that bad. I could go on and on..... the scene where the cat lady explains to Halle that cats choose one woman like Neo from the Matrix and that cats are magic and whatever else was said while I wasn't paying attention....the laughable fight scenes, the fact that she becomes cat like and licks herself clean and chases crickets etc.... I'm mad at myself that I'm even writing this review, maybe its like Freddy Krueger and we can make it go away by not fearing it. Awful. Disgusting. Disgraceful to all of film. Catwoman.

OK IMDb junkies, if you've read any of my reviews at this point you should notice that I enjoy "bad" or b-movies. Rarely, and I mean Catwoman rarely do I turn off the DVD player. But when I saw this film, well lets just say I began to contemplate the afterlife. It all comes down to one scene, a battery of nonsense imagery set to noises that clearly lack any true direction. I seem to remember an alarm clock, a rooster crow, a ninja "heeee-yaa" and bowling pins being hit, followed by a reporter asking LL Cool J if his mother was a crack head. I immediately began slapping myself in the face, asking if what I had seen was real, or whether I had eaten the wrong pill and found myself in the 'real' world where God-awful films like this actually get the go ahead and budget to be produced, shot, and released to the public.

I got this DVD for Christmas one year and I cursed at my mom for buying it. The action scenes are so frenetic that they are unwatchable, the dialogue is so clichéd and cheesy that I vomit in my mouth when I overhear my meat headed friends watching it. The special effects are lame (chariots have engines in them that explode?). If not for Alien I would think less of Ridley Scott, but maybe he needed a couple bucks or something. This is modern film-making at its worst, and one of the early signs of the current mess that is Hollywood. The double disc collectors set now serves as coasters in my room. But who knows, maybe there will be a sequel. What schlock. I'd rather watch romantic comedies.

Shep Ramsey is forced to land his ship in the suburbs, hilarity ensues. But yet this film is so much more. Brilliant execution and top-notch acting from Hogan and Christopher Lloyd are examples of what propel this film to the top of cinematic history. There is a sadness in Hogan's Ramsey; a feeling of alienation. This is perfectly exemplified in the scene where Ramsey must play an arcade game. He truly believe he is saving this virtual world, and he plays with such veracious intensity that he ends up forcing the machine to explode, causing us the audience to look on in empathy for this lost soul. A truly heart wrenching experience, and a masterpiece I shall never forget, this one haunts dreams folks.

Citizen Kane....The Godfather Part II....D'Urville Martin's Dolemite. This is the single greatest piece of celluloid ever created and unleashed upon humanity. Rudy Ray Moore, in a role that transcends Academy Awards stars as Dolemite, the baddest cat in the universe. He clearly does not take any jive from no turkey (I myself am unfortunately a turkey) and proves it with his powers of rapping, pimping, and karate chopping. This is blaxploitation at its absolute finest, a shining example of the genre with its low budget, continuity errors, and hatred for rat-soup eating honkey expletive expletive. The true Godfather of Rap (not this new Ali nonsense) Moore is something of a juxtaposition of acting technique; somehow managing to be the most charismatic awful actor of the 1970's, and thats saying something. This one is HIGHLY recommended folks, if not for the one-liners alone.