I rarely comment on films, because I admire all who make one of any kind: it's a huge accomplishment. But this amateurish, unscary, incredibly stupid, badly acted, terribly directed "horror" film forced my hand, particularly when seeing that it got released in over 2,500 theaters theatrically! (I hope to God it was a service deal, and that no studio actually chose to release this).
It's derivative of the Grudge/Ring in the "fast-motion-crawl-on the-ceiling" way, but has none of the shock value or atmosphere. It's derivative of "Amityville Horror/Poltergeist" with none of the menace. And it's derivative of "The Birds" for no reason at all.
Every premise is ludicrous. Every human reaction completely false. Casting is laughable. Continuity is a mess. Here it is:
1. A family moves out to the boonies to an absolute POS haunted house because the daughter got in some sort of mysterious "trouble" where they used to live. First, no-one would move into this house. I mean, not even an indigent blind family. This is a case of the production designer making a "haunted house look" without actually reading the script. Second, the mysterious "trouble" is a fender bender after a couple of beers that shut little bro up for a spell. Most parents would be grateful. Instead, they move into a hellhole in the middle of nowhere.
2. So Mom's real bitchy to young girlie because of the "trouble" (the explanation is kept from us for 3/4 of the film), and doesn't believe her when girlie starts seeing things that probably have something to do with the "event" from years ago (we know this is important because it was at the beginning in black and white). Unfortunately, Mom also appears to be about twenty years older than Dad, which gives one a creepy feeling, but not the way the filmmakers intended. And the little kid points at the ceiling-crawlers a lot. Now, while this stuff is happening, nobody really wants to find out WTF happened at the house years ago. Apparently, they're happy with the explanation that the previous family "up and left." Reasonable, don't you think?
3. Meanwhile, Dad is trying to grow sunflowers. A real cash bonanza, for sure, right? (Or maybe the production designer at work again? "They'll be so PURTY!") How can Dad manage? No worries, Dude From Big Fat Greek Wedding pops out of nowhere and offers to help. Where did he come from? Where does he live? "I'm just a drifter." "Great. You can sleep near my adolescent daughter."
4. Now, turns out, this guy is the BIG SECRET. Did you guess it? I'll tell you later. But there's a great continuity gaffe here where there are no sunflowers, it appears time goes by, then there are sunflowers. Lots of them. And the next scene has girlie in the house "the first night."
5. Okay, so now Mom and Dad go to town, and girlie and little kid are in the scary house all alone. Uh-oh. Sh*t starts happening. The house is possessed! Girlie is nearly dragged down in the basement by the fast-motion-white-eyed people! But Dude From Big Fat Greek Wedding appears and everything goes back to normal. Mom and Dad come home. Mom still doesn't believe girlie. They all go to bed. 'Night, John-Boy!
6. This stupidity goes on interminably. Girlie goes into basement repeatedly. Never screams or runs out of the house never to return. Dad and Mom fight about girlie's visions. And for some reason, crows get pissy at everybody. And there's a sub-something involving a kid from the town that leads nowhere.
7. Finally, days before taking the big sunflower crop to market, Dude From Big Fat Greek Wedding reveals himself to be (ready?) THE GUY WHO OFFED HIS FAMILY IN THE HOUSE! (Except that other people that show up at the house earlier in the movie don't recognize him, despite his picture being in the paper, which is the big reveal).
8. So everyone runs from Dude From Big Fat Greek Wedding and they end up in the basement (where I would run, for sure), and the fast-motion-white-eyed-ceiling-crawlers suck him into the ground. The end.
They say that you should write about a bad experience to cleanse yourself of it. Yet, somehow, I still feel dirty.
Maybe "Cloverfield" will make me feel better....
It's derivative of the Grudge/Ring in the "fast-motion-crawl-on the-ceiling" way, but has none of the shock value or atmosphere. It's derivative of "Amityville Horror/Poltergeist" with none of the menace. And it's derivative of "The Birds" for no reason at all.
Every premise is ludicrous. Every human reaction completely false. Casting is laughable. Continuity is a mess. Here it is:
1. A family moves out to the boonies to an absolute POS haunted house because the daughter got in some sort of mysterious "trouble" where they used to live. First, no-one would move into this house. I mean, not even an indigent blind family. This is a case of the production designer making a "haunted house look" without actually reading the script. Second, the mysterious "trouble" is a fender bender after a couple of beers that shut little bro up for a spell. Most parents would be grateful. Instead, they move into a hellhole in the middle of nowhere.
2. So Mom's real bitchy to young girlie because of the "trouble" (the explanation is kept from us for 3/4 of the film), and doesn't believe her when girlie starts seeing things that probably have something to do with the "event" from years ago (we know this is important because it was at the beginning in black and white). Unfortunately, Mom also appears to be about twenty years older than Dad, which gives one a creepy feeling, but not the way the filmmakers intended. And the little kid points at the ceiling-crawlers a lot. Now, while this stuff is happening, nobody really wants to find out WTF happened at the house years ago. Apparently, they're happy with the explanation that the previous family "up and left." Reasonable, don't you think?
3. Meanwhile, Dad is trying to grow sunflowers. A real cash bonanza, for sure, right? (Or maybe the production designer at work again? "They'll be so PURTY!") How can Dad manage? No worries, Dude From Big Fat Greek Wedding pops out of nowhere and offers to help. Where did he come from? Where does he live? "I'm just a drifter." "Great. You can sleep near my adolescent daughter."
4. Now, turns out, this guy is the BIG SECRET. Did you guess it? I'll tell you later. But there's a great continuity gaffe here where there are no sunflowers, it appears time goes by, then there are sunflowers. Lots of them. And the next scene has girlie in the house "the first night."
5. Okay, so now Mom and Dad go to town, and girlie and little kid are in the scary house all alone. Uh-oh. Sh*t starts happening. The house is possessed! Girlie is nearly dragged down in the basement by the fast-motion-white-eyed people! But Dude From Big Fat Greek Wedding appears and everything goes back to normal. Mom and Dad come home. Mom still doesn't believe girlie. They all go to bed. 'Night, John-Boy!
6. This stupidity goes on interminably. Girlie goes into basement repeatedly. Never screams or runs out of the house never to return. Dad and Mom fight about girlie's visions. And for some reason, crows get pissy at everybody. And there's a sub-something involving a kid from the town that leads nowhere.
7. Finally, days before taking the big sunflower crop to market, Dude From Big Fat Greek Wedding reveals himself to be (ready?) THE GUY WHO OFFED HIS FAMILY IN THE HOUSE! (Except that other people that show up at the house earlier in the movie don't recognize him, despite his picture being in the paper, which is the big reveal).
8. So everyone runs from Dude From Big Fat Greek Wedding and they end up in the basement (where I would run, for sure), and the fast-motion-white-eyed-ceiling-crawlers suck him into the ground. The end.
They say that you should write about a bad experience to cleanse yourself of it. Yet, somehow, I still feel dirty.
Maybe "Cloverfield" will make me feel better....
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