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inkstainedwretch2000
Reviews
The Stupids (1996)
God Bless This Movie
Okay, so it ain't high art. But it is so funny I nearly peed myself. My personal favorite part? When Father and Daughter are locked in the planetarium. If you can't laugh at that scene check yer pulse because you are dead. I love film, I love the art and craft and gloss and sheen and the nuance and everything else about fine film. However, I am not a snobby prig who can't just find something funny and enjoy myself for a small amount of time. This is a crummy enough world. Why not find something that can give us these little bouts of meaningless joy? God Bless You Tom Arnold! God Bless John Landis! God Bless The Stupids!
The 13th Warrior (1999)
What do you mean you didn't bring the lights either?
What the hell happened here? For starters where are the lights? Not one scene takes place and is filmed while properly lit. Including ones that take place during the day. Yeah, I know, y'all are going to say "Hey they take place at night, dude! All they had was candles!" What do I have to say in response to that? Watch Amadeus! Watch Braveheart! Watch damn near anything else! So okay, you can't see anything that happens in this film, all right. I can let that go. It takes the entire point out of an action film, but okay. How does Antonio Banderas learn the freaking language so fast? That just ain't possible, kids. Granted I am watching a film about cannibal warriors, but still. Where is the motivation for any of these characters? Why does this story exist? Word is that McTiernan stormed off of the set because he too realized that it was terrible. Who directed the rest of the film and even re-shot footage? Crichton. Good God, who thought up that brilliant plan? Was is someone who happened to be a big "Coma" fan? This movie is awful. Awful awful awful! It made my brain hurt it was so bad. The costumes were pretty good, I guess. So that's something.
Jack (1996)
so bad that it's offensive and depressing
What happened? Coppola. The man made The Godfather One and Two (we'll just ignore Three), Apocalypse Now, and The Conversation. Now? The Rainmaker? The Outsiders? Jack? Jack? What in God's name could he been thinking? And Robin Williams? He had so much promise! Did you see The World Accoriding to Garp? He's brilliant and subtle and touching. Now there is Jack. It nearly depresses me too much to type. I don't know if I can actually do this. You read the synopsis. How could this bit be turned into something interesting? Don't show him at the innocent and dewey part of his life! Show him in his adolescent rage as a teenager while stuck in an elderly body! Show his adolescent hormone shift when he is a toddler! My God! The possibilities! The waste! The pity and pathos! It makes me want to cry! Instead they serve us saccharine dreck as if they are doing us a favor! The nerve! The gall!
Black Belt Jones (1974)
How could anyone not like this movie?
Okay, let me give you the recipe for a brilliant film. Take a whole bunch of bad dudes with afros, take one bad dude who knows karate and has one of the best afros ever, find a bunch of silly girls to jump on a trampoline, add one suds filled automatic car wash surrounded by garbage trucks. Stir and season with incredible soul music and terrible dialogue. Oh yeah. Black Belt freakin' Jones. A masterpiece of blaxpoitation that deserves to be shelved directly between "Shaft" and "Enter the Dragon." Attempts to blend funk, kung fu, and James Bond. Does a thing get cooler than that? I doubt it. Will it change your life? No, probably not. Will it brighten your day when you see how the suds cling tenaciously to Jim's afro. Oh yeah.
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (1978)
The pain! My god, the pain!
I'm sure it seemed like a pretty good idea when they were drunk. Or maybe when they saw the film sober they thought it would be a good idea to get really drunk. This is how I think the conversation went: "Here's what we do: we take the hottest musical acts since the Beatles and have them play all of the Beatles' songs!" "That's no movie." "Well, what if we add a story using the lyrics and then name characters from the songs?" "That's brilliant! Let's have another drink."
Note: This conversation resulted in the worst film of all time. It is even more of an accomplishment when you take a look at the cast list: Billy Preston, Alice Cooper, Aerosmith, Steve Martin, George Burns and then, get ready for this, The Bee Gees and Peter Frampton. Did Frampton come alive in this, his acting debut? Nope. Dead on contact. A film so bad that it causes me physical pain when I watch it. I can only stand about four minutes at a time. I then have to turn it off for a few days. I watch it about once a year. It is like a sorbet to cleanse my palate from all the great films I try to fill my days with. A film so bad that it is offensive. Do you like the Beatles? I do. I love them. This film hurts. It hurts me. Learn pain and watch this film. Or avoid it and live in an ignorant bliss.