Change Your Image
![](https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/M/MV5BMjQ4MTY5NzU2M15BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwNDc5NTgwMTI@._V1_SY100_SX100_.jpg)
beeblequix
Reviews
Immortals (2011)
violence, much?
Scenery: Wonderful, artistic renderings seamlessly merged with green screen live action. Entirely rock/stone/sand/water environment without a noticeable strip of green vegetation.
Zeus: Any god who helps the humans in any way -- the punishment is death. Death? Really? That's a huge departure from the cinematic Greek deities from the past who deliver quirky metal owls, shields and swords to humans in certain circumstances.
Titans: The Titans seemed more like scurrying, annoying pests than a true challenge to the Greek gods. They should have made them more heterogeneous in appearance, powers and abilities.
Violence: There are many disturbing scenes of throats being slashed, bodies being mutilated and impaled. And that only gets the audience prepared for the real violence consisting of decapitations, bifurcations and corporeal obliterations reminiscent of fleshy 4th of July fireworks. I would have preferred bodies turning to human-shaped ash and blowing apart than witnessing people smashed into meat chunks in slow motion.
Re-view-ability: This is one to *maybe* watch once, but even that might be too much.
The X Files: I Want to Believe (2008)
Worst X-Files ever. Spoilers.
It's sometimes slow, sometimes entertaining, a lot of the time it turns the stomach (wtf was he thinking when he wrote THAT into the script?). It undersold most of what it was trying to accomplish which I think was "don't give up". And considering a name like "X-Files" you'd think they could put more money into the budget -- it felt like a regular episode with a budget of about $200,000...
*** Spoiler alert *** Summary: Russian organ thieves piece together a gay Frankenstein's monster in a human chop-shop while an excommunicated pedophile Catholic priest has visions from God of a few of the victims. FBI shows themselves to be generally unable to handle things on their own & are forced to call in Moulder and Scully for help.
Note: Middle-aged lovers Moulder & Scully even after all these years still call each other by their last names.
Sick: Russian Dr. creates two headed dog the good old fashioned way -- not by genetic manipulation, but by decapitating a dog and stitching its head onto another pooch body.
Other thoughts: _I_want_to_believe that Chris Carter can return his writing to the stuff he was so good at >10 years ago. Unfortunately he misses the mark. Like way off. Like, the mark he was aiming at was a convoluted series of mirrors and lighting effects that puts his shot 173 degrees away. I'd be far more interested to see a follow up film dealing with those nasty alien invaders, or the rebel aliens, or Gibson, or a return of Duane Berry, or a new Syndicate, or the Super Soldiers, or MIBs, or something dealing with the occult, or even investigating the Nigerian email scam. Why they chose this script is beyond me. FRANKLY I'm going to pretend this episode didn't happen (a la Star Trek 5).
It's not the worst movie ever, but it is by far the worst X-Files ever. It should not have been made. Get the pitchforks.
Star Warp'd (2002)
"it will never bother us again"
The packaging was misleading. Nowhere inside did it allude to how really bad bathroom humor can be unsurprisingly unfunny. I liked the idea of mixing Star Wars & Star Trek, and to do it in a claymation universe sounded strangely appealing. These guys just did it in about as bad of a way that is humanly possible. I wish I can get those 32 minutes back. Maybe I'd do something more entertaining like get a kidney stone or clean the grease trap under the stove...
My brother sometimes asks "what did you do with it?", wondering to what end the Star Warped DVD has come, to which I singly and darkly reply: "it will never bother us again".
The Book of Mormon Movie, Volume 1: The Journey (2003)
surprisingly bad....gee...can't hardly wait for the sequels....
costumes: for a bunch of stray Israelites living *somewhere in Arabia* their clothing were surprisingly brand-new-looking. I saw (1) thread that had come out of Nephi's costume.
make-up: I prefer nice teeth to "gummy" smiles. And that's fine for modern-day humanity. But do you suppose that these people would have perfectly straight bleach-white teeth in 600BC?
acting: Lemuel acted like an angry whining toady the whole movie. When Lehi was trying to 'prophecy that Jerusalem would be destroyed' he sounded like a babbling unspecific paranoid kook who in our time would have been babbling about Y2K and spent his life savings on toilet paper. Laban's guards -- remember when the good ole boys approached Laban to get the Brass Plates? Did anyone else notice that the guards reacted to the "git 'em" command as if they were standing behind the wall waiting for their cue? "becoming wild" -- Sam went to seek out his 'brethren' -- he spotted Laman, Lemuel and Zoram all "acting savagely", half naked and prancing around the bonfire like a bunch of 'animals'. Sorry. Did not buy it.
dialog: I know the BOM was written in Old English, but that was more likely to make it sound old. In reality Old English wasn't even invented yet when these events supposedly took place, so I wonder why the producers/writers/directors didn't try to make the dialog more natural (even for 600BC..).
the drama -- murdering Laban, stealing his property: Notice that when Nephi murders Laban that the true miracle is that there's no blood on Laban's armor at all. The BOM also makes this omission, but you'd think that the costume designer would have noticed and included a few quarts of blood.
Did anyone else notice the jet chem-trails? How about the barbed wire fencing (obviously from near Green River,UT) shown in the scene where the good ole boys are fleeing Laban? Or the waves from the 'great tempest' strangely bucket-shaped? How about the perfectly straight almost starched beards that Nephi & Sam wear toward the end?