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The Purge (2013)
Wow...that utterly sucked.
Best to watch this movie from atop the toilet so that you can efficiently "purge" yourself of this self-righteous piece of crapola. The Purge is a Hollywood Studio's wet dream for more than a few obvious reasons. Shall we check them off? Let's...
1. Class warfare--- check. 2. Evil, rich, prepster white villains---check. 3. Homeless, sympathetic black hero (he's actually the Only likable character)--- checkaroo. 4. Self-righteous, utterly impractical "moral realizations" in the face of almost certain death- --Jesus Christ, really? Yup, check.
Sadly, this movie might have been watchable if a smaller independent production outfit had produced it. Though as it stands, just be ready to flush this DVD down the porcelain pipe along with your puke.
PS. Those kids deserve to be purged. Ugh...what pathetic douches.
The Messengers (2007)
The "Message" gets lost in a deep sea of monotonous mediocrity...
I can only imagine that the sad and lonely fan-club members of Kristen Stewart must have executed a successful IMDb "Vote or Die" campaign to provide a break from doing their day-long "wrist exercises." But at least you won't need opposable thumbs to reap a climax here because this movie is stale, refried Follywood crap on a copper spoon.
But if you liked "Drag Me to Hell" than this one might be your crowning glory. The impotent storyline hasn't the slightest hint of anything original while the scripting appropriately follows suit. As for the score, I couldn't really hear it over the sound of the lame harbingers of death we call crows.
And unfortunately for our cute, bucktooth heroin the best "acting" seen in this movie is proffered by a toddler. His sometimes excessive "pointing" is not only utterly riveting drama at its best, but clearly deserving of, at the least, an Oscar nomination.
You'll find more thrills and horror in My Big Fat Greek Wedding than the Messengers will provide-not to mention the humus, Tahini sauce, and a pseudo-original plot. This movie isn't a complete mess in respect to the cinematography, as there are some well planned and executed shots of a sunflower field. But still...flush first, ask questions later.
Drag Me to Hell (2009)
This film will literally "Drag (You) to Hell"...
Nothing says "Horror-ible" like Justin Long. The fact that anyone on planet earth could rate this utter piece of crap above 2 stars is far more terrifying than this low rent excuse for a movie(?) could ever be. The supposed "horrors" in this film have less teeth than the gypsy, while the picture's corresponding score reeks far worse than the pathetically fake vomit that makes an appearance more than once. I don't know what movie other people saw, but I'm beginning to completely lose faith in humanity. This turd in the punchbowl could make Yahweh himself check out early. It could make Larry King run away like Michael Johnson. It could make Mother Theresa want to murder a puppy. Jesus would rather be crucified over and over again than watch this movie once. William Shatner shat on this very movie--and when Bill squats over something, you know it's sucking balls big time. In the name of civil disobedience, I'm sending this P.O.S. back to Netflix in two distinct pieces to hopefully give the next sucker who tries to rent this one a couple of extra days to actually read through the justifiably miserable reviews instead of just trusting the rating that is still about 6 stars too high. I wouldn't dishonor my toilet by flushing this monstrosity down it. I would much rather be violated in a federal prison by a gang of angry ex-truckstop queens than have to watch this again. I didn't know my eyeballs and cochlea could feel so much pure, unadulterated physical pain. I feel guilty like I should repent for putting myself through this unforgivable experience. I now know what hell really is. This film really can "drag" you there.
The Last Exorcism Part II (2013)
The "second 'Last' Exorcism" probably should've been a prequel, eh?
Although not a wholly unwatchable effort, at one point I half expected Col. Sanders to strut out of the closet draped in his seersucker suit while wielding a chicken leg in one hand and a slice of cantaloupe in the opposite. Not that this movie is just simply dripping with disdain and the "soft bigotry of low expectations," but it certainly lends proof that west-coast studios should stop making 7 million dollar movies in New Orleans just for the tax credits—especially when the directors appear to have never really been outside the French Quarter during a Mardi Gras stint. I can almost see them between takes just a slurppin' away on their sugar-infused "hand grenades."
I'm not an African American or an apologist for anyone, but this movie drove me up the wall with its predictable stereotypes of black southern culture. Take for instance the use of, "Good Lord, Chile"???—wooow, thanks for that nugget of brilliant and original screen writing. Why not just add a: "uh, yessa Massa, I'll get you a new quill pen right away
" Or maybe a:"Hey Absalom, have you seen my mint julep anywhere?" And despite what the liberals in Lalaland, CA obviously think, not everyone that is a janitor or a caretaker in Louisiana is an African-American wearing a hairnet like the lunch lady. And I thought I might get lucky, but nope—apparently horror movies "in da' bayou" require at least one pseudo-Voodoo hair cutting scene replete with the fedora wearing, slide-guitar playing black man belting out redemption songs like we're still running the Underground Railroad up to the Promised Land. Thanks again for those little misnomers—sure not promoting any stigmas down here. But to his credit, at least our "Buffalo Soldier" was tearing up the minor pentatonic scales pretty convincingly.
So in the land of over-sized Drosophila flies, analog radios, and tube TV's as big as a Prius, you might find a mild interest in this sequel-should-have-been prequel if you immensely enjoyed the original. But you'll probably find more justice in watching "the first Last Exorcism" for the second time. Salvage some of your dignity by flushing this one straightaway, and asking "why?" later.
Rosewood Lane (2011)
If God saw this, we can forget about the "second coming."
*No real spoilers per se* Well... this one's a doozy; and that's a euphemism if there ever was one. If you can suffer through the pathetically cobbled together script, contrived action, and utter lack of cohesion and direction, you deserve a Purple Heart, 10 gold stars, and maybe a ride on the short bus to the nearest involuntary commitment facility. This movie reeks of so many desperately tired clichés that your television set just might not survive. The stair falling, the creepy basement inheriting, the duct vent listening, the police bumbling, the paperboy dog chasing, yes the paperboy dog chasing... Oh, I could go on and on. This movie cannot be "spoiled" because it was already rotten tomatoes from the moment the mentally challenged producers gave Rosewood Lane the go ahead. I can only imagine that the screenwriters must have had some backwoods relationship to them because some of the diction that escapes this film doesn't even qualify as sophomoric. Infantile approaches the "effort" more acutely. I mean who in the hell buys a cat as a pet meant to help defend their home-front? And what the hell is a "cat door" anyway? It sure as hell almost looked big enough for a Doberman to me. And apparently, in this "movie's" surreal reality, being caught breaking and entering multiple times, stalking, and literally pissing on the local District Attorney's eyeball through a gloryhole in the fence don't warrant an arrest. But at least you'll get to see Rose chase the bike riding, pantie-sniffer paperboy downwind with about 8 neighborhood dogs that mysteriously escape their respective houses simultaneously. This movie makes Paperboy on the original Gameboy seem like a riot of good times. After it, you may require Lithium or some other heavy metal to bring your "mentals" back to equilibrium. Flush first, ask questions later.
Dead End (2003)
Did the MPA actually give this Criminally "Horror-ible" film a number???
"Over-acting" synergistically mates with "pathetically worthless direction" to produce one of the most laughable movie babies EVER sanctioned by the MPA. If only there had been a brick wall at the terminus of this "dead end" film, I'm sure the "actors" would still be slamming their heads up against it. First, this movie hasn't the slightest clue what it wants to be. Comedy? Horror? Umm, nope. And it achieves neither with such an intensity that I'm still wondering if it was made as a complete and utter joke at our expense. But the movie itself isn't funny unless you like genital and/or fart jokes; and it might be scary to a prepubescent girl on mushrooms for the first time. But trust me, she's more than likely freaking out over the shrooms, not this criminally bad film. Having read some of the "reviews" above me, I'm compiling a list of people whose critical analysis chops could easily be topped by Corky from Life Goes On. "Obadee, obadah, life goes on" as soon as you forget about this turd sandwich of a film... Excuse me, I have to go flush the toilet out of respect for what's left of my dignity.
Undocumented (2010)
Inspirational thriller guaranteed to delight
Undocumented may be the most inspirational thriller put on film in this century. In fact, it was so good I had to buy it! If you are an American who has pride in our own culture you MUST take the time to enjoy this absolute gem of a film. Not only does it have its thrills, but it's also hysterically amusing without trying too hard, or being dishonest to the subject matter and ruining the fun, yet dark mood. The ONLY downside to it is the utterly self righteous "documentarians" whom you will have to suffer; but maybe they get what's coming to them in the end? You'll be rooting for it, but you'll have to watch to find out. Get your chimichangas ready and beware of extra fiesta sauce and piñatas.