Reviews

I thought about not wanting to waste my time to write this review, then I thought...it's my duty to warn my fellow movie watchers.

I'm a huge fan of mma and was excited to see three of my favorite mixed martial artists. Miesha Tate, Holly Holm, and the amazing Cris Cyborg all in one film. Watching this film 'Fight Valley' almost made me feel ashamed that I'm a fan of the three. The story (if you wanna call it that) centered around the death of a female street fighter. Her sister comes home to mourn her and to seek revenge on the person(s) who killed her. Miesha a local fighter helps train the sister to become a fighter. Then they do a bootleg 'Rocky' training montage showing the sister in training. Weeks go by and after the training is over Miesha gives the sister the seal of approval telling her she's ready to fight. The sister sets up a money fight to face off with 'Cyborg', the one who (accidentally) killed her sister. Cyborg kicks the sister's butt and what seemed like 30 secs. The film ends with the sister telling Cyborg to say sorry for killing her (dead) sister. Cyborg saids "I do, every night"...the film ends.

That's basically what the film is about and other then a few sloppy street fights and a unbelievable sloppy uncoordinated cage fight featuring Holly Holm. Oh yeah they even threw in a lesbian love scene. And no, none of the aforementioned mma stars do not strip or expose any sort of nudity. The acting itself was appalling and the fight choreography was sloppy, boring and amateurish at best.

I almost fell asleep watching this film and I wasn't even tired?! So forget sleeping pills, watch this movie instead.

This may end up being a long read, but please bear with me. I of course watched this film based on a trailer of it that I saw on YT. I should've known this film was going to be atrocious but I have a habit of giving certain things the benefit of the doubt. I definitely need to kick this habit.

'Pitchfork' was so lame 'Plan 9 from outer space' is a masterpiece compared to it. From beginning to end Pitchfork was agony to watch. Incredibly bad, extremely bad writing, the camera shots were all over the place. Put it like this...think of everything bad that you hate about horror films and I'm willing to bet this film had it. I saw one review on here that stated "Great story-line"....what story-line, there was none?!

I know most of you who read this saw scenes in films that had lighting that comes through the trees for effects sake, well this film had lights coming through the trees, and the thing was...the lights were friggin ultra bright, as if they used a couple of Hollywood premier spotlights?! It made no sense.

And I can't count how many time the 'killer' kept popping up from behind things...no literally rising up, from an obvious kneeling position into camera view. And the kills themselves...lame lame lame. Some kills were off camera or implied via sound effects. Oooooh I almost forgot to mention one of the first kills. Which involves a young girl who I think was at the very least 11-12yrs old, who asked her father to check her closet for father who check her closet for monsters...this after she had sneaked back into her bedroom (via window) from coming from the big barn shindig. So the father goes to check the closet....no monster. He goes to leave and she saids "You didn't check under the bed". So Dad kneels down and looks under the bed...cue sound effects of a wet vicious stabbing. "Dad...dad...dad" as the girl saids this...a pitchfork comes bursting up through the bed...cut scene. Later in the 3rd act we find out he didn't kill the 12yr old, instead he keeps her alive in a section of his shed, secured or should I say caged behind a spring metal bed frame. This was weird because he killed all but 2 of the main 8 college kids, not including the 12yr old's mom and dad, two cops and his own mom. I sat there watching him play with a few of the dead bodies he had propped up against his shed, so what the hell did he keep the 12yr old for?! Here's another dumb thing...he kills one of the girls in a cornfield and walks away...through the cornfield, in the next shot we see arriving back at his shed...CARRYING this same girl?1

4 of the 8 main college kids were somewhat hot girls, not bad looking at all...and you guessed it...not one nude scene. Oh there was a couple of sex scenes...with one that had the girl riding a guy with her SHORTS ON, and a bra. The other sex scene was implied via a rocking Amish covered wagon. Maybe if they didn't spend the majority of the budget on the lighting they could've afford a tit or two...just saying.

The thing that really got me was 'Pitchfork' had the look of a modestly budgeted film, the color schemes were nice, but again the film budget was wasted on all the film stock and probably the lighting (you'll see what I mean).

Pitchfork won like 10 film award which included jury prizes, I wonder who were some of the people on those juries...I'm guessing Cory Feldman, Dave Thomas's daughter Wendy and my neighbor Tim who works at the tomato factory, to name a few.

Trust me you're gonna hate yourself for watching this film. IMDb should change the rating system, because I would give this film a negative '0' to 5th power!

I figure this was suppose to be a grind house type film, based on the obvious similar soundtrack to Tarantino's 'Grindhouse', and various scenes throughout the film. Yes NNWBG was a low budget feature, but what a feature it was. A cheap, sleazy, smack to the senses. TONS of gratuitous nudity and violence throughout. NNWBG is a film about, a group of nuns who work for the church as packers and mules for a small drug cartel or in this case a Mexican motorcycle gang. Asun Ortega stars as our main protagonist, who for reasons unknown steals a brick of coke from the gang during a run with other nuns. This is quickly discovered and Ortega is shot on the spot, but survives, she is then used and abused and shot full of drugs on a daily basis. Ortega then believes she has been told by God she must be his avenger and kill all who sin, and believe me she kills em all without mercy. Head shot aplenty! This film is definitely not for the kids so keep them away...far away. There's also a few rapes in this film, with one suggesting that one of the victims was underage, being that she was raped in front of her mother and later the suggested teen is passed off (nude) to a lower level gang member, so if this sort of thing bothers you, steer clear of this film. I enjoyed this film for what is was and for what it clearly set out to be. I'm nowhere near shallow, I've seen and love many films, such as 'Terms of endearment, Oldboy (the original),and recently The Revenant'. But Nude Nuns With Big Guns I see as one of those guilty pleasure type movies and I can't wait for a sequel! Side note: Asun Ortega has one of the best butts you'll ever see......OK, now you can say I'm shallow lol.

Goddess Of Love stars actress Alexis Kendra, a very beautiful and stunning woman, to which I was pleasantly surprised how good she was in this film. With films like 'Hatchet II' on her resume, I didn't expect much from her.

Alexis plays a stripper called 'Venus', which happens to be her actual birth given name, which she confirms to another co-stripper (lol right now for my co-stripper comments) during a conversation or lesson per-say on how to get more money from the men who come to the club. Venus uses this information and garners the attention from a customer named 'Brian', a photographer. Soon there after the two began a passionate relationship. During such time Brian tells Venus about his ex-wife, in which we find out that she had committed suicide. Brian also conveys on how much his misses her, and that Venus resembles her. Venus becomes the attentive adoring girlfriend, but we soon find out that Brian's heart and mind is not into the relationship as much as she is. Which was surprising to me due to the fact that Venus was smoking hot and was what most men would want in a woman as such....on top of being a super sexy stripper?! She cooks for him, wants to spend time with him, does sexy strip routines at home for him and more.

During the film, or maybe I should say in the beginning of the film we see that for all that makes her a man's dream girl...Venus has some issues...mental issues. Vivid hallucinations, voices etc. Brian soon sees less and less of Venus, calling off dates and or making excuses not to see her. Venus begins to stalk Brian and sees what she thinks is Brian spending time with another woman. After which Venus descends deeper into the realm of madness, and obsession.

It's almost sad to see how it all plays out. Goddess of love is a mixture of 'Play misty for me, Fatal Attraction' and other films in this particular genre. Yes we've all seen it before, but not quite like this. Predictable at times, but that doesn't matter, you'll enjoy this this delicious descent into madness.

Note: for you shallow guys out there, again I have to say Alexis (Venus) is nude in a vast amount of the film. One extreme violent scene, which was pretty close to overkill. For the rest of you out there, the acting on Alexis's part was pretty good, the direction was up to par but not award winning. Watch it with you girlfriend or wife and wait for her to start questioning the relationship...lol.

'Deeadpool' is hands down the BEST Marvel (comic) film to date. This time they got it right. Everything you've ever wanted in a comic to live action film is in 'Deadpool'. So many hilarious scenes throughout the film, with one in particular in which Deadpool jokes about the (Marvel) studio couldn't afford more than two X-Men, which include Colossus and Negasonic Teenage Warhead. There's an abundant amount of violent scenes with many that were hilarious (bullet in the a$$...literally). Ryan Reynolds was awesome as Deadpool, he can now be forgiven for 'Green Lantern'. There's no doubt in my mind there will be a sequel but how they will top this (instant) classic is beyond me. I just hope they don't rush to do so. Deadpool feels like a breath of fresh air in the genre, let's hope other studios take heed and began to create future films that supplement us die-hard fans which Deadpool has done with ease. I'm may be stretching it a bit by saying this but...Deadpool was absolute Perfection. A Marvel achievement!

I went into this expecting to see something different or even better than the original. But alas, this fails in every sense of the word...fail. Lack luster rewrite, production, acting and direction. And plenty of mistakes throughout the film that had me thinking "Were they high when they made it?!". Goofs such as the dog attack of the girl. The guy gets back to the cabin and sees the girl has been ripped to pieces...but...at the end of the film during the credits we see various body bags of which one of the bags contains this same girl who appears to have been miraculously put back together?! And without even looking close you'll see that her body bag appears to have a shape of a full formed body?! Another goof, one guy is getting chased through the woods and takes a piece of his arm flesh that happen to fall off and sticks it to a tree and an effort to throw his chasers off his trail. So as the guy sticks this piece of flesh onto the tree...it immediately falls off, but when his chasers get to this tree, of course the piece of flesh is seen hanging off the bark of this tree?! OK then in the end of this film we see what appears to be a young college girl looking at her friend's (The girl who was the first to contract the flesh eating disease)'Facebook' page. As she flips through the photos she see various photos of the trip our Cabin Fever protagonists were on. She then is horrified to see photos of the girl's bloodied legs, then a photo of bloodied shredded mouth and a photo of one of the guys bringing down a shovel to he face. The problem with this is, the photos were not in order (Bloodied shredded face from a shovel to the face, then a photo of the guy bringing down to shovel to her face). This was impossible because it was obvious these photos were screen shots from the film itself and were NOT taken by anyone, including the girl herself who happen to have a camera in the shed with her, at some point in the film, from outside the shed we as the viewers can see 3 flashes of a camera emanating from a small window, but this occurred long before the shovel scene.

Eli Roth approved this film???....all this film did was show me that Eli Roth has quickly become the M. Night Shyamalan of the horror genre. See this film be cause as film lovers we all have the will to give films a chance. See it and judge the film for yourself, because we all have our opinions of the films we watch, you'll either liked or loath it.

Freaks of nature...title makes no sense, but who cares. FON is bloody good time. Zombies, Vampires, Aliens oh my! And as I watched this film I kept thinking there's something missing?!...but lo and behold they didn't disappoint me, they threw in a Werewolf! The premise is not original as you may think, although it's been seen before, but on a much smaller scale courtesy of Joss Whedon's 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer', but FON (this town) is on another level. FON is a good time, it has everything that makes a movie as such enjoyable for the viewer. Why?...because it didn't take itself seriously. The makers of this film knew it's contents would be silly as hell and they weren't gunning for any Oscars or Golden Globes. They simply wanted to make a fun film. The GGI effects were up to par when it came to showing us the Aliens, considering the budget and the practical effects were nothing I could really bitch about. Conversations and interactions with the zombies were hilarious. The Vampires of course were the cool kids(in high school), zombies were the social outcasts, but watching this, you'll end end up considering the zombies as 'The cool kids'. All the actor/actresses were on point, everyone knew their role in this film and they delivered the goods. I'll bet anything that they were going to try to make a PG-13 film, but at some point someone said "F it", and I'm glad they did. I'm leaning toward the thought that FON will someday become a cult classic, because I can't stress enough how much fun I had watching this film. I know others will feel the same. If people rate this film low, those people aren't true lovers of film. Yes the film has lots of bloody scenes and minor gore, but many of the deaths and or kills scenes are friggin hilarious. Patton Oswalt's basement death is a scene that comes to mind, when I think of how the film makers kept throwing curve balls in there. Whatever the case, if you wanna have a good time, rent it, buy it, do whatever you gotta do...but see Freaks Of Nature. I'm really not trying to do write a full out review of FON, this was more like what I felt about the film, so as the reader you can take this however you want to take it...again, see Freaks Of Nature, you'll love it.

As I watched this film I thought to myself, did the directors (Kevin Goetz and Michael Goetz) believe this remake would be better than the original?! I'm thinking, they seen the French version of Martyrs, did they not feel the original film was at the very least a horror masterpiece?! What possessed them to think..."We're going to remake Martyrs and make it SO much better than the original".

I've read somewhere that the directors had no intentions of implementing a lot of graphic violence in this version, instead they were going to carry over the 'mood and elements' of the original film...really?! I can say with certainty this version did incorporate violent scenes, yes violent... but not even close to the brutality, vicious, eerie, creepy, cringe worthy moments of the original.

The directors even had the audacity to throw in a (semi) happy ending?! I'll go as far to say that this film could've been considered a 'Lifetime' movie of the week if they removed one scene, or done a off camera shot to imply what was going on, which by the way was done throughout the film during the torture scenes. We're also supplied with a cute little back story of how 'Anna and Lucie' become friends as little girls, of which I didn't feel helped the film at all.

In my opinion the performances were an insult to the original. I felt nothing for our protagonists in this film, nothing whatsoever. Watching the original Martyrs, as the viewer you felt all sorts of emotions, most of which were pain, terror and fear, OK 'pain' is not an actual emotion, but you did feel the pain actress Mylène Jampanoï from the original, had exhibited in Martyrs (2008).

In closing, I'm not going to tell anyone NOT to see the film, we all love or like movies. I love watching movies of all genres, and I knew I was going to watch (Martyrs 2015) when it came out. I didn't expect it to be better than the original, maybe I was hoping it would've been a nice little compliment to the 2008 version. But it wasn't.

Note the film was a NOT a shot for shot remake, thank God. But I'll bet anything as you're watching it, you'll say to yourself, where's this, what happened to the part when...etc etc. If you've never seen the original...see it, before you view this film and think you've just seen a fantastic horror film. Because I know some numskull will view this version of Martyrs, who never seen the original and think they watched a good or even great horror film, people are weird like that.

Lastly...hey Hollywood...please leave original bad*** classics alone! These films stand on their own. Didn't anyone in Hollywood learn from the remade 'Oldboy' afterbirth of a film??? Kevin Goetz and Michael Goetz (Martyrs 2015)...nice try.