Reviews

Like sands in an hourglass we have the sands of a desert, except there is no desert, or sand or glasses, except for glasses of water in this film, which is about Dolph Lundgren's continued cinematic dominization of the cinema industry Brazil-wide.

Once again, lo, these many films of Dolph, he is a man, and other men die because of him. The big twist this time, however, is that everyone watching this film in the safe comfort of their cars or boats or houses or rooms in a house - and I mean everyone - will lose their remote at one point in the movie (00:57:34) Guaranteed. It's spooky. That's when I lost mine, and then I rewound it on the tape that i watched it on that totally exists cause I bought it, and BOOM, lost it again, almost as though it had never existed in the first place.

So, Dolph Lundgren, he's an army guy in this one.

1942/1915

This Movie is called Blood of Redolphtion, or at least it should be since it is yet another (Yet Another!) examples of Dolph Lundgren doing what Dolph Lundgren does, which is destroy people who are not Dolph Lundgren.

Now you are probably wondering, "Do they still make that paint for cars that looks kind of bluey from one angle but kind of purpley from another?" and the answer is Yes! I was at the Paint Store not but two moons ago and they for sure did have it in stock. The stockerboy, Billy, said so.

So me and Billy got to talking about movies and Dolph and I asked him what he thought of this Film and he said he didn't know because he didn't see it and I will never buy paint there again, which should be easy because I don't need to paint anything.

I will, however, buy paintbrushes there because I need to paint my house this weekenday.

Sun-Sat/Mon-Fri

Always bet on Dolph!

No matter where you sit on the plane, get a seat by him because you just know if that plane gets hijacked by plain hijackers then he will be the one to take them out, one-by-one, all at the same time.

Just about the time the drink cart rolled by my seat and I ordered some drinks for me and the panda bear I was smuggling from Ancient China the part of this movie where Jean Claude Valjean shows up showed up and it was the Greatest Moment Ever, including the moment that happened later, when I ordered another drink, coke this time, and then the movie was over and there was this black screen with the names of all the people who made it and were in it, and guess what? Dolph was in the movie! The second time...

XL/XS

Dolph giveth and Dolph taketh and here Dolph giveth several beatings to several people and yet does not take anything from their bashed-in headed corpses.

Which I think says a lot about Darth Vader, Dolph Lundgren, and the Dolly Llama, as they are three people who know the meaning of the word "Carbon Dioxide" and you can take that to the bank...

The Blood Bank! Same place where the dudes in this probably go to get new blood after Dolph makes them leak all of theirs onto the ground- but he doesn't take it! He just leaves it there for them in a blue puddle.

In conclusion I think this film took place during Valentine's Day.

10Mhz/10 Mega Hearts

What's that, you've never seen Universal Soldier Seven? Welp, here's the info:

Dolph + Van Damage = Dolph Damage

So if we take D+D x VD = DVD then it appears this movie invented DVDs.

Plus this is the Soldier of the Universe and he is Reckoning. Reckoning.

It is also a day. Of the week? Maybe. You'll have to watch and see. The ending *may* surprise you, because it is actually a day of the month.

Octember.

Brazillion/Twelv

The Coke brothers sure know how to make a movie, and they sure know how to cast one. In a perfect Dolphverse all the roles would have been played by the son of the sun aka Dolph and yet they are not.

Once again: proof of HeyZeus and yet not that. Proof of Dolph.

Dolph plays himself aka a giant musical superhuman/supernova who pilots (drives?) a submarine (aka YOU BOAT) to California in order to pick up some communist screenwriters in 1920s Hollywood Yes I Am Serious and then a dog jumps in the ocean to get to him and this other guy drops a suitcase full of money and they all watch it sink like "nooooooooo!" "that could have been my grocery money for 27 years!"

Kevin/Seven

A mind-shattering masterpiece, assuming you have a mind to shatter.

Dolph.

What more needs to be said? 5 more lines? OK!

Take Ghostbusters, remove the ghosts and the buses, add in a dash of Apocalypse Now and Total Recall, then remove the jungles and mars, and you get Twister. But add Twister to Deep Blue Sea and you get Sharknado. I'm not even joking there, that was a real thing they made like 6 of them.

Anyway, this move has sharks and Dolph, maybe nimature golf. I don't know.

1652381/14

Here we have the film Lethal Weapon except it is not that film, but similar.

In this filmed story about humans, Dolph plays a guy who has a friend and they both watch people fall on horizontal bullets.

Thus we can surmise that Dolph can bend space and bullets to his will Lo and Behold I said this years ago and no one believed me so guess what Mrs. Wisowski? (my 9th grade Engrish teacher) BOOM I win and your life is pointless.

Pointless. Like a triangle.

Johnny Five/5

And then there was Dolph. Again. Seems like he was in every other movie for awhile there.

As per yuse, dude sucks everyone around him into a mass of antimatter (!) due to the gravitational force he exerts (!!) based on scientific findings that dictate that Dolph himself is a casual loop. What's that?

Dolph is created. Thus, Dolph exists and grows stronger. Thus, Dolph keeps doing that. Thus the creation of Dolph results from that.

Dolph is Universal, much like the title of this film, which is THE GREATEST FILM EVER MADE and yeah, I've seen Spider-Man and BOTH Weekends at Bernie's so deal.

100/10

I mean, what? Dolph Lundgren is in it, or at least on the box that the film comes in. I think I've seen this but, alcohol, so I don't know.

The other guy on the box has a cool name and once played a dead bird in another movie.

I thought Tokyo was a big city, but I guess it's rather little if I am to believe the title of this film.

Anyway, I should see this movie again and so should you. This Saturday, your place. I will order a pizza and then when it comes, be like, "Whoa person, I don't live here, I'm not paying for this pizza that I *didn't* order." Then I'll wink at the pizza delivery man or woman (I'm PCU now) and he or she will be like, "I'm a MAN. Stop winking at me." Then, free pizza!

107/10

Yet again, we have Dolph Lundgren aka the reason galaxies exist. This time he plays a guy who shoots guns, which, lets face it, can blow people's face off with one click of their buttons.

Face/Off by the way was also good, but had no Dolph Lundgren so is also, parodyoxcially the worst film ever made.

In this one Dolph blows up buidlings with his super ice breath and let's not forget that this film was made before computers were invented so a lot of stuntwomen and ducks were killed when they filmed that part.

Other people were in this movie two, but whatever, and also Dolph has the coolest hair I've ever seen cause it's like blonde but also not-blonde, you know what I mean>>>>?

Come on Stacy, let me be in your friendzone again, I swawr I will not try to unbutton your gym shorts this time. I mean, like, that is something that no matter what anyone says is

1001/10

972 B.D. (Before Dolph) The galactizzy is barren. At the edges of its barreness is a lightsaberbeam wielded by the mighty HeyZeus, god of the son.

Or so fissionists would have you believe...

It's really just a Dolph Delivery Vehicle, our world. And so into it is Dolph and from Dolph begat Johnney Memomic.

The film also features Neo and Morphine but its really Dolph's show.

By, the way, there are kangaroo people in this so look out for them. They have pouches.

Threeven/Uno

Another shot of Dolphine straight to the system.

Pentathalalogram is a movie about swimming, surprisingly, and there are no bullets.

However, there are: swimming pools, water, treading water, the butterfly and the backstroke and bathing suits and diving boards but nobody dives.

Dolph here plays Dolph who plays a swimmer who gets chased by his former coach because he is just so awesome and swimmy that his coach falls in love with him in a nice way and stuff.

Unfortunately, Dolph does not explode any aliens in this one or decapitate any children but hey, you gotta take the wheat with the chaff and this is pretty chaffy.

Pentagram/Rhombus

Dolph is here.

Sometimes HeyZeus says to the DestructoBots: "Let's do it."

Thus we have Dolph. In this film Dolph plays Dolph who plays boxing who plays with Rambo whose buddy gets bludgeoned by Dolph's fist until his heart stops and the blood flow to his brain is decreased to the point that his brain no longer functions, because Dolph happened and He Got In The Way.

There is a very apropo visual metaphor of a towel being tossed away like so many other towels... but this towel is a symbol of death, much like the dwarf in A Midsummer's Knight's Dream. Shakespeare.

Yes, there is boxing in this movie, but not much, so don't worry.

10/Thrixx

This movie is so sick it gave me a cold and now I have a serious DayQuil addiction. Why? Dolph Lundgren.

Yes, he is in this film (and I don't mean he exists physically in the box that it comes in, I mean his VISAGE is photografically projected on the screen via the inversion of the cinematograph.)

On a purely technical note, it's worth noting that I once dated someone who did not like this film so I didn't pay for the wings and she broke up with me. I sware, it happened

I remermber that when this film came out I was younger but have since aged due to nature's cruel plan but Dolph has NOT. Go math that you scientists of the world.

E=MC Hammer/10

Dolph is at it again, but this is NOT a Christmas movie.

This is a movie that is like Rambo, but without Rambo. Instead? Dolph.

When his makers named him they must have been like, "Whoops. We named him DOLPH."

But alas, he overcame that and then became the RED SCOPION, which is also the title of this film.

I haven't seen it in awhile, and I've only seen it once, but like the creation of Dolph, once is enough.

If you are scared of scorpions or the colour red, this is not the movie for you.

It's better than Transformers, better than Blade Runner, better than Backdraft.

Dolph Lundgren IS He-Man. There are lots of lasers blasting guys that look like Stormtroopers sort of.

Frank Langella IS Skeletor. He always gives a great performance and this is his best, better than Frost/Nixon, where he played one of those guys.

The girl who plays Teela IS Teela. Her outfit is awesome, and she is gorgeous. I would marry her, but I'm not really ready to commit at this point in my life.

That little dude IS Gwildor. He made me believe that a small dwarf could make a thing that creates portals to other worlds.

Special effects are awesome, no Battle-Cat but I heard it's cause they had a big cat but he ate an extra and whatever they had to fire him. The cat, not the extra, he died of blood loss from massive head trauma cause the cat ate part of his face.

Great movie. Dolph Lundgren rules now and forever. You should also check The Punisher, which is the greatest film ever made.

999/99

Oh my god in Haiti this is like the perfect storm of Dolph, dolphins, dead bodies and Daniel-Day Lewis.

Here we have a comic book character Come To Life and Leap Off The Screan.

There are Ninjas. There are Nives. There are people who Explode. There is a boat.

When the world spun into existence, this is the reason, the culmination of all things, this is Dolph playing The Punisher. If ever there was a reason to buy a VHS tape of a movie off a junky hobo for 2 dollars this is it. This is it.

Apples/Orangines