Reviews

At least 20 minutes of some dingle berry sawing a woman in half. A guy who is in some one man cult running around. 30 or 40 minutes of these people either talking about the killer or about something stupid. What I truly love about SOV...... The insane about of filler. Yup......... Filler...... Lots of filler so they can get 90 minutes out of a MF. Just like my review, trying to get 600 letters in because, really, there is not much to talk about this stupid movie. Hayride Slaughter is exactly what you think it is. SOV balls. It mostly drags on with mindless chatter but does have some horror elements that are silly. The ending made me throw up with laughter. These two people talking about their predicament in such bad way then readying to do the hunka chunka then the credits just roll. Recommended to SOV completists at best.

Some Taoist priest and his underlings must stop a Japanese demon from doing something. As with a lot of HK movies of this nature, An Eternal Combat starts off promising with its mysticism, wire fu action and weirdness to only delve into unnecessary stupidity. That stupidity being HK comedy. The comedy took up 60% of the film and that is where hope for a crack headed extravaganza started to diminish. I wasn't too fond of the time travel aspect either but it was forgivable for the most part. But when Anthony Wong made his presence known, I was happy as hell. He did save this movie with his psychotic performance. The church scene was epic and it shows Anthony's brilliant acting performance to a tee. So hence, it is, at times, a chore to watch but in the end it turned out good.

Some friends decide to have a reunion for some stupid reason then people with teddy bear heads start killing them. Night Of The Killer Bears is a silly Thailand slasher and, yes, it's a cliche reunion horror where people reunite, get killed off and a big twist happens which the revelation happens and, well..... We've been down this road a multitude of times with this $#!+. Killer Bears has annoying characters (English dubbing to blame.... Well, actually it may helped it more... I don't know) and the bear people look corny to a tee. But for fans of splatter, you'll be happy to know it is plentiful..... BUT some of it appears to be CGI. So.... That blows. They say it's Terrifier meets Ted. Now if you smoke enough crack and have the worse case of down syndrome, you might be able to see it like that. Sure, WHY NOT? Anyways, I had fun with it regardless of its flaws.

A whole lot of deep sea exploration ensues and that's about it. I'm pretty sure there is a point to Deep Undead but this was one of the most painfully boring movies I have ever seen. It just drags on and on and on and on with all this stupid underwater s#!+ and these people whining about all this garbage I don't care about. And the underwater vampire concept is r.tarded. It is 104 minutes of just absolutely nothing. The only scene I like was when this dude popped out of a door and said in a mocking sissy voice "Did ssssomeone sssay ssssucking $#%&?" Yup, that is its only redeeming quality. Okay. Maybe some of its wondrous underwater scenes were neat but they take up practically half if not most the #$%&ing movie and it really has no value. It currently has a 8.5 which is laughably misleading because if this was voted by 100 people, it be at 2.0. Garbage movie.

These people talk about meaningless crap throughout the entire film and there are a few kills. Yippie. Claw is one of the most derivative, sluggish movies I have ever seen. The only reason I was able to sit through this is because the chick Lina Tanille made a part of me rigor mortis. Claw is like a combination of a student film and a soap opera. Nothing interesting ever happens. Even the nude scenes were boring to look at. The kills were pathetic and for those who like gore will only get some splishy splashy moments. Does have an interesting twist towards the end but chances are you'll turn this s#!+ off before you reach the hour mark.

Ricky tells the tale of the first Silent Night Deadly Night movie and his happy adventures of love, murder and mayhem. Silent Night Deadly Night 2 is the mother of all Hindenburgs. The first 40 minutes of the film is the first SNDN in flashback mode narrated by Billy's brother Ricky and.... that where the movies falls apart. I don't know how in the hell Ricky knew, in detail, Billy's killing spree methods .... OR the scene where cops mistook the Santa for the killer to only end up being some little girls father ...... What the @#$%!?! The second half is trashy, silly, stupid fun. The best scene is when some guy sexually abuses his girl and Ricky brutally runs the guy over repeatedly with a jeep and the girl just casually thanks him without any shock or vehemence in her reaction. "Like, thank you! Tee hee!" The first Silent Night Deadly Night was a masterpiece of anti PC, trashy fun but with a surprisingly decent story and some good acting. SNDN 2 is lazy, illogical garbage and I like it!!!!! And Eric Freeman is the greatest actor EVER!!!!!!

Some ex cop goes undercover to the Mafia to uncover some s#!+. LA Wars is what I consider to be the quintessential B action movie with its gritty late 80s early 90s vibe, grainy picture quality, echoed synthesizer music and sex and violence. But for a low budget action flick, it does have a lot of good things going for it. The action is plentiful and really good for what it is with lots of bloody goodness. It is also nice to see the protagonist be an actual heterosexual muscle man beating up people rather than a soy sucking 80 pound sissy, whining about social justice like we see today. The acting is not bad...... and so forth. One of the better if not best B action films ever conceived.

Some people hang around in a forest for no reason and then a hoot owl type person ( or so i assume) kills them. So... With a title like The Hoot Owl, what the hell were you expecting? The equivalence to The Godfather? The Empire Strikes Back? Oh! I'm so sorry it couldn't live up to those expectations. God! So..... Yes it is a tragedy but it was an entertainingly fun and happy tragedy. Great acting, great story, efficient and professionally directed.... every thing that The Hoot Owl is not. But if you watch this for the gore, then this will suffice. Particularly a scene where blood is gushing out a man's lady parts trying to birth a kid in graphic like fashion. Yummers! Anyways, I enjoyed this despite being a volcanic cesspool.

Some serial killer is torturing some people in an apartment for some reason. Christmas Cruelty is earth's core level hot garbage. It starts off promising but then for the next 50 or so minutes it tries in such embarrassingly manner to be hip, clever and stylish like a Tarantino movie but it is nothing more than a montage with non stop lousy music and forgettable crappy characters. It does get better, afterwards, with all the mayhem and crap but after trying in desperation to retain my attention span toward this film, it had little impact. Plus, not having much of a story doesn't help either. It boring enough to sedate a heard of rampaging fat women.

Some prison subjects prisoners to a virtual reality thing while rich people hunt them down .... in virtual reality and .... whatever. I think I got a contender for top 20 worse movies ever made because, damn, what train wreck Cyber Vengeance was. Woof!! I absolutely hated the concept, hated the fact that the places this virtual reality has taken them to is either in Medieval times or some place in early 20 century. The action was boring and derivative with non existent appeal. The acting was horrible and not horrible in a funny way. It was annoying as no one has any form of charisma AT ALL! I swear I have never felt such mortification in all my life and I watched this alone. Not a movie to get drunk with your friends with because they will beat you to oblivion if you showed them this crap.

Some guy is running around chopping up zombies and giving the body parts to grieving families for some reason. Undertaker is another one of those Japanese movies full of emotion and significance that feels rather... emotionless and insignificant. These movies annoy the dookie out of me because they are so sluggish and inane while trying to be meaningful and ... I don't know... Articulate(??) ... important (?); like we are supposed to follow suit to these morons struggles and all that garbage and then ending it with an MTV style alternative pop rock song. Ugh! So silly. At least it has some bloody moments and it was only 65 minutes, which felt like an eternity. Definitely, without question, one of the most inadequate zombie movies I have ever seen.

Some... Yee..... Gah... Alright. Well, what did you expect? Something equivocal to The Sound Of Music? Of course, the Japanese film industry continues to crank out nihilistic, incoherent, megalomaniacal garbage and, yes, even with its unpredictable leftfield psychosis, has become predictable.... if that makes sense. Other than the concept of hot Japanese girls in school girl outfits with firm badonkadonks and mechanical machine gun for an arm, Rise Of The Machine Girls is not relevant to the original. The film is predominantly idiotic with its fake CGI blood effects, gore, gun toting over the top action, bizarre characters, bizarre carnal crap and a nonsensical story. BUT this movie has my home skillet TAK in it and even though most of the movies he is in sucks a prostate clean, he is awesome and makes any movie worth watching..... mostly. Yup, Japan went from Akira Kurosawa to inflatable boobs. And what can I say? I'm a sucker for crap so I liked Rise Of The Machine Girls. Ugh.

A story about some guy who is spat on by society to only become some greater inspiration for a bunch of morons. Joker indeed does a good job interpreting today's downsizing of both American and European cultures. Plus, it perfectly points out that political factions like BLM or Antifa are the clowns of society and are the unneeded of existence itself. Let that sink in. As for the movie itself, it was an ok interpretation of Joker. Joker is pretty much a character that can be interpreted in many different ways which makes him a unique in general. I wasnt at all enthusiastic with this one but it wasn't too shabby. Better than most movies of today but that's not saying much.

Some old guys kung fu pupil gets killed in the ring so he seeks to f··· some s··· up. Blood Fight is a horrible movie. What ruins what could of been a less s···ty movie is its horrid melodrama and slow ass pacing. It does have some hilariously cringy moments like the happy music, terrible fight choreography, bad acting, some of the most crappiest editing I've ever seen but it's not enough to help with the entertainment value. I like Bolo and Kurata but man did they screw the pooch with this one. Yipe yipe yipe!

Some simpy pansy and his stupid horty torty wife who hate each other invite a cousin to stay over to only find out she's nuttier than a fruitcake and on the rag. The Untold Story 2 is an unofficial sequel to the vastly superior Eight Immortals Restaurant. The story and conception borrows very little from the first, instead is much more in tone with the movie Misery. It also reminds me a little of Miike's Audition. Also, for those readying to spread eagle and crank one over some bloody goodness like the r·tards that you are, tough ass. The gore and violence is much more timid. But, it is still a good movie with great acting performances of Anthony Wong and Paulyn Sun and I liked the story fairly well. Just not as gripping as the original. Actually, if I were you, I probably would avoid trying to compare this to the original and just see it as a movie of its own. Don't be a dingus like me. Ugh!

A bunch of s···head teens get drunk and run over some f····r and dump his ass in the water but a year later the teens get notes and s··· and are killed off one by one. I Know What You Did Last Summer is a 90's slasher movie. It is odd that I would like a Hollywood-level slasher movie considering they actually put effort in their production which diminishes the entertainment value of slasher movies because slasher movies are supposed to be corny, crappy and r·tarded but meh. I liked this one for the happy bloody violence, the suspense and it's brisk pacing. And a young Jennifer Love Hewitt and her overgrown cha chas and perfect ass. Huynh!

Some broads wins a trip to the Bahamas but unfortunately the killer they killed from the first installment didn't get killed and follows them there where he continues his revenge and s···. I Still Know What You Did Last Summer is the sequel to I Know What You Did Last Summer and, yes, I'm saying this to you like you are r·tarded. The body count is a little higher and the violence is bloodier but the story is a little less enthralling. It's practically predictable but works to a degree and does have a good revelation. But who cares? All that matters is we get to spank Mr. Happy to Brandy and Hewitts nice tight asses.

Some kid goes bald for some reason and some guy gives him magical peanut butter to spread on his head so he can grow his hair back. Unfortunately the peanut butter worked too well and his hair is growing uncontrollably. Then it gets weird. The Peanut Butter Solution is not weird in psychotic fashion, it's just..... weird. It's one of those movies that moves along in a steady pace like as if everything is normal and I'm just staring at this thing unable to process anything while all this incomprehensible s··· is happening. I don't know what the hell to make of this. What is going on? What is the purpose of it all? Another confusing factor is the kid actors are tolerable and I hate kids in movies because they are stupid. (sigh) I'm just going to end the review right here. Have a happy ass day.

An evil scientist transfers his consciousness into a robot and kidnaps a prince for some reason and goes on a killing and r@pe spree just for the f··· of it. I don't like erotic crap but Robotrix is an absolute classic. It has some great robot action sequences, bloody violence and the cyberpunk elements are actually really good. Now, I don't like sex in movies because they hinder pacing but luckily there are only a few and they're not prolonging. Besides, two of the sex scenes were r@pe scenes and, rather being disturbing, they were actually kinda funny. One when the robot screws a woman to death and throws her out the window and the other when at the end of the r@pe we get to see Billy Chow's maniacal laughter as his little noodle is sticking out. Why I was compelled to mention this, I don't know. You'll also be greeted with plentiful nudity and it's good watchable clean happy nudity with some nice taters, frontal female (and male, ugh) nudity and firm female ass. And a hairy ass as well. Yay. One downfall is the (intentional) comedy and everyone with an IQ above 60 knows Hong Kong humor is irritating and often times unnecessary but whatever. Robotrix is paced well and it's campy entertainment value is enormous.

A bunch of r·tards dance as some of them get stabbed in the tater with a hairpin by a wacko. Murder Rock is one lousy, mind numbingly piece of s··· and is also the film that ended Lucio Fulci's credibility as a film director (for me, at least). The only entertaining aspects from this movie is the crotch and backside shots of the female dancers. For some reason I was laughing hysterically over it because one wonders what goes in the mind of a filmmaker when he shoots that crap. Other than that, Murder Rock is stupid with a meaningless and r·tarded plot and annoying characters. Plus the kills are practically bloodless and uncreative even though we get to see naked taters in the process. Murder Rock is gay and I can only recommend this to Fulci completists or those who like crap.

Lucio Fulci reminiscences his crappiest movies and the crappy movies of others. Cat In The Brain is a stock footage horror movie with new footage of Mr. Fulci acting r·tarded. Now, I hate filmmakers that utilizes stock footage and this movie does it in spades. It's lazy, dumb and, in the process, completely discredits the filmmaker as a hack but I will give this film a pass. I actually never seen any is the 6 films utilized but Touch Of Death (which was gay) so everything is sort of fresh to me and since I have no interest in seeing any of those movies (because I heard they suck hard), it works out. So, thus, I liked this one because of the s····y acting and the abundance of (preexisting) gore that are absurdly hilarious. I can only recommend Cat In The Brain to those who are either Fulci completists or if you haven't seen any of the 6 films before this one. However, if you hate movies that use lots of stock footage, then avoid.

Campers camp and a deformed r·tard kills them. The Prey is gay. The movie wastes a lot of its time with fillers of various of animals and insects either doing nothing or killing each other off. And if you think that's bad, the endless futility of human activity like hiking, playing in the water, screwing and telling r·tarded stories plagues most of this movies run time. The kills were decent and a little gruesome and it has a very twisted ending but watching all the boring s··· is a chore and really not worth it. You could do worse, but I can't recommend this one.

Some guy with mental powers mind controls a pussy cat to kill people. The Black Cat is 1 of 2 in Lucio Fulci's Cat duology, the other being Cat In The Brain. Should it be considered a duology? Fulci directed two movie with cat.... eh you know what, f··· you. For those expecting a gore feast to whack off to, sorry, but it's lacking. Lucio decides to use a more atmospheric gothic tone rather than gore and sleazy s···. It still has some bloody and creative kills, just not over the top like his usual stuff. Overall, it's a fun horror movie with some great camera work, a decent story and s···. I liked well enough, so yay.

Some people discover that a hotel in Louisian'er is an entrance to hell. The Beyond is yet another Lucio Fulci "gates to hell" movie. I don't know how many he made to be honest. It just feels like every movie he makes has a "gates to hell" concept in it but whatever. This is definitely Fulci's greatest masterpiece. Much like most his movies, it lacks in substance and logic (40 bullets in a six shooter, GOD!) but Fulci's has a neat stylish approach with great camera work and cinematography with cool looking zombies and some hilarious gore sequences like the little girl getting her head blown off and the spiders eating some guys face. I even liked the music. The Beyond is silly but it's f·····g awesomely silly. If that makes sense.