The Crawlers (1990)
1/10
This film wraps around your neck and chokes the very life out of you
15 June 2014
Warning: Spoilers
I had heard this film was awful, but I did not take heed of this warning. Instead, I thought, it might be a 'it's so bad it's good' movie. I had also heard that this film was also packaged as "Troll 3", which had me perplexed as I knew the film was about killer trees so how could they tie this film to that one...well I found out! The acting is on par with that scene in "Troll 2" where the guy goes, "There eating her, and then they are going to eat me...oh my god!" Except, the horrific acting is all through this film, there are no good effects aside from one okay kill and most insane is that there is no nudity! I mean, these girls are nobodies, how can a movie maker not get a bunch of nobody actresses to get naked? Not that I wanted to see the mousy lead girl, but the girl they tease as the star was attractive and the hooker had nice cleavage. This film was made by MGM, the same company that brought us the superbly entertaining "Return of the Living Dead" which featured actors of note and they got Linnea Quigley to not only go topless, but full nude and she is an incredible actress compared to the idiots in this film! So you get nothing! Most of the kills are off screen, the sex is off screen and what we get on screen are a bunch of people you will want dead by the film's end. I will be honest, I was pulling for the roots to kill the entire town, and especially that annoying kid! All they did was tease though...

The story has a couple of girls coming to a small town. At first, they make it out that this one girl who was rather attractive was going to be the lead one, but that was just a tease. No, our main girl is this mousy looking girl coming home is the lead one. It's a shame, because not only was the other girl more attractive, but she was probably the best actress in the film...of course, that is not saying much at all. Well seems a guy at the local power plant has been detecting radiation outside the plant and there is something shady going on. People start turning up dead as there is one off screen kill after another. Finally, we learn that the plant is illegally dumping waste into the woods which causes the roots, not the trees mind you, to come alive and kill people and if you think there is a scene that is as hot as the DVD cover of this film, then you are going to be sorely disappointed.

This film was just bad on so many levels. I do not see how MST3K missed this one, except perhaps it is because it was made by a major distributor in MGM and was fairly new (1993). Granted, I thought the film was from the 80's as I cannot believe this one was made the same year as Jurassic Park, heck, I cannot believe it was made the same year as Super Mario Brothers! The effects of the roots were ripped straight from Evil Dead and at times it looked somewhat okay, but even when it looks good it gets totally undone by the bad acting going on. I also love the scene where they describe the girl from the beginning who got killed and people say she was blond when she was clearly a brunette.

So bad, bad and bad. I did not enjoy it as it gave me nothing. Had they given me some more gore and nudity it would have been more watchable with a shortening of the run time as well. As is, it seemed to take forever to get to the kills and then you think it is going to wrap up and the whole town comes in and they start preparing for their counter attack on the roots. How MGM, who made good horror films, came out with this crap I will never know. I have seen adult movies with better acting and effects than this, I have seen straight to DVD horror films shot with a video camera that are better than this! Heck, this is a film that Manos is better than! Not a good film, fails miserably on almost every front.
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