Married... with Children (TV Series)

Valentine's Day Massacre (1994)

David Faustino: Bud Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Bud : Hi there. I'm Bud Bundy. We went to high school together... You might not recognize me; I guess I've bulked up since graduation. Anyhow, six years ago, you sent me a very touching Valentine... which I never received, until today. That's why I brought you this one,

  [He whips out a Valentine's card with Crystal's name on it] 

  Bud : because I don't want you to think I stood you up.

  [He looks at her hopefully, but gets no reaction] 

  Bud : If it's any consolation at all, I would've come over that night for sure. And it was a positive honor to attend high school with the one, the only, Crystal Brooks.

  Woman : [looks over her shoulder]  Crystal? Someone's here to see you.

• Bud : [after checking the mailbox on Valentine's Day]  Damn you! Damn you all! Damn the whole... damn world!

• Bud : Dad, tell Kelly I found Crystal Brooks. She's performing here in town and she's staying at the Emperor Hotel. I'm gonna go see her and set things straight. Ha ha, witchy woman. Bite me.

  Al Bundy : Did you get that?

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Uh yeah, he wants Emperor Crystal to bite him.

• Kelly Bundy : [hands over a valentine card to Bud]  Listen, before you open it, there's something I should tell you. Now, I was supposed to give this to you six years ago, but I forgot. Well, 'cause quite frankly, you repulsed me.

  [Bud gives her a look and opens the card] 

  Kelly Bundy : Oh, come on, Bud, it's just a stupid Valentine's card, it's not like you missed out on some once in a lifetime opportunity.

  Bud : [reads the card]  "Dearest Bud. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity."

  [Kelly cringes] 

  Bud : "My parents won't be home tonight, and I need you more than anything. Please don't stand me up, it would destroy me. Love, Bernice Windchester."

• Bud : [dressed in stolen bellboy uniforms in order to sneak past a bodyguard]  Okay, Sasquatch. It's checkout time.

  [Hearing his voice, the door near Bud opens up and a very large older woman named Rita steps out] 

  Rita : Oh good, they sent a cute one this time.

  Bud : Huh? Wha? Oh, for the love of God, no! No!

  [Rita pulls Bud into her room and shuts the door] 

  Bud : [heard from inside the room]  Help me-eee!

  [Rita opens her door and puts a Do Not Disturb sign on it, then goes back in and a lot of commotion is heard] 

  Bud : [heard from inside the room]  Mommeeeeeeeee!

  [after being raped by a very large older woman called Rita] 

  Bud : Now I know how Tom Arnold feels.

• Kelly Bundy : Hey, Bud. What happened with Crystal?

  Bud : Well, I explained myself and gave her the Valentine I bought. She understood, and gave me an autographed CD in return. Then her bodyguard skee-balled me the entire length of the building.

  [He puts an icepack on his neck] 

  Bud : I also meet a lovely woman named Rita, who taught me something: in space, no one really can hear you scream. Well, I'm gonna put this little collector's item in a safe place... Good night, Kelly.

• Kelly Bundy : [contrite]  Bud, I'm really sorry. Listen, if anybody ever gives me a love note for you again, I promise I'll deliver it. Okay?

  Bud : You're not just saying that because you know I'll never get another...? Well, it's the thought that counts. Happy Valentine's Day, Kel.

  [She guiltily looks down, shame-faced, as Bud retires upstairs. Suddenly, the doorbell rings and she answers it] 

  Crystal Brooks : [in doorway]  Kelly, isn't it?

  [Kelly looks at her inquiringly] 

  Crystal Brooks : Hello. I'm Crystal Brooks.

  Kelly Bundy : Oh, hi.

  Crystal Brooks : Is Bud here?

  Kelly Bundy : Yeah; do you want me to get him?

  Crystal Brooks : No, I gotta get to my concert. Howie Mandel opens for me, and the crowd hates it when I'm late. Would you please give him this message? Tell him to meet me at the hotel, after the show.

  Kelly Bundy : Sure.

  Crystal Brooks : That's an all-access pass; it'll get him backstage, and into the afterparty... along with one guest.

  Kelly Bundy : No worries; I'll tell him.

  Crystal Brooks : And if he stands me up this time, I'm not all it'll destroy.

  Kelly Bundy : Okay, bye.

  [Crystal turns, leaves] 

  Kelly Bundy : Hey, Bud!

  Bud : [from upstairs]  Yeah, Kel?

  Pinworm : [a man arrives in the doorway, even worse-looking than Mayhem]  Whoa, babe; your butt looks bitching!

  [He leers at her lasciviously, as she preens] 

  Pinworm : You ready?

  Kelly Bundy : Yeah. Wait! There's something I'm supposed to do.

  [looks around, as Bud re-enters from upstairs] 

  Kelly Bundy : Oh, my coat. I'd forget my head if it wasn't attached to my... Well, whatever it's attached to. Let's go!

  [Off she goes with Pinworm, and with Crystal's all-access pass for Bud] 

  Kelly Bundy : ... So where are we going again?

  Pinworm : [DELETED LINE; looks baffled]  ... Beats me; I thought this was *your* treat.

  Kelly Bundy : [DELETED LINE; also looking baffled]  ... *I* thought it was YOURS.

  [She notices Crystal's pass] 

  Kelly Bundy : Hey, look at this: "All-access; backstage, afterparty; good for one guest..." It's from a Crystal Brooks.

  [Both remain oblivious to Bud, who rolls his eyes while rubbing his neck. He turns a couple of tickets over in his hand] 

  Pinworm : [DELETED LINE]  Whoa, I'm a big fan of hers! What say we check out her show tonight, babe?

  Kelly Bundy : [DELETED LINE; shrugs]  Sounds like a plan to me... Hey, this has Bud's name on it! Must be a present from him.

  [She notices her brother for the first time] 

  Kelly Bundy : Thanks a lot, bro!

  Bud : [DELETED LINE]  You're welcome - I think.

  [He holds out Kelly's and Pinworm's tickets] 

  Bud : Oh, and I tripped over *these* on the way to my room. They wouldn't be...?

  [Crystal suddenly shows back up in the doorway] 

  Crystal Brooks : [DELETED LINE]  Sir? I'm sorry to bother you, but your car seems to be blocking mine in; could you...

  [She locks eyes with Pinworm] 

  Crystal Brooks : ... Could you give me your phone number?

  [Pinworm leers lasciviously at Crystal, then brushes rudely past Kelly] 

  Pinworm : [DELETED LINE]  I'll give you a lot more than that, hot stuff! Come to daddy!

  [He roughly sweeps her into his arms and they kiss, while Bud stands beside a scorned Kelly] 

  Bud : [DELETED LINE]  So, Kel... Did you have a message or something for me?

  [Kelly takes Bud's hand, then slaps Crystal's pass into it] 

  Kelly Bundy : [DELETED LINE; disgusted and furious]  Keep it. It's yours.

  [EPISODE ENDS] 

• Bud Bundy : Kelly, do you know who Bernice Winchester is?

  Kelly Bundy : Yeah, she's a girl we went to school with who liked you and coincidentally, got kicked in the head a lot during soccer.