Roseanne (TV Series)

Crime and Punishment (1993)

John Goodman: Dan Conner

Photos 

Quotes 

• Roseanne Conner : I thought you were just gonna go over there and scare him?

  Dan Conner : Well, it started out that way.

  Roseanne Conner : What'd he say?

  Dan Conner : Well, if I remember correctly, "Ouch, ouch. My head." Something along those lines.

• Dan Conner : You know, Deej, it's ironic. You're a kid, you're not supposed to have any problems. You go to school and they give them to you.

• Dan Conner : Hey, we had underground comics, but it wasn't like this crap Darlene's doing. Ours were about depraved sex and massive drug abuse. This is a cry for help.

  Roseanne Conner : Well, who knows what they're about, you know? Who even wants to? The longer we don't know what's in Darlene's head, the longer we don't sleep in shifts.

• Dan Conner : Being your own boss isn't that great of a deal. Last week I sexually harassed myself.

• Darlene Conner : You call yourselves parents? These punishments bite, you're supposed to be better than this.

  Roseanne Conner : Well, why don't you just punish him?

  Darlene Conner : Really?

  Roseanne Conner : What do you think, Dan?

  Dan Conner : [waves]  Bye, Deej.

  Darlene Conner : This is gonna be great.

  Roseanne Conner : Just remember, you're at that awkward age where you can be tried as an adult.

  Darlene Conner : I got it. You have to wear a suit and tie to school tomorrow.

  D.J. Conner : In front of everyone?

  Roseanne Conner : Gee Darlene, why don't you just beat him up, yourself?

• Dan Conner : [to D.J.'s school principal]  Well, look I... I know it's wrong for kids to bring comics to school and read them in class, but hey, they're kids. I know it's not great literature.

  [looks at the book] 

  Dan Conner : My God! What kind of diseased mind could create something like this? Oh, man. Hey, I don't know where DJ got this, but you can be sure We don't allow things like this in our house. This is not the way we raise our children.

  [to DJ] 

  Dan Conner : Where did you get this?

  D.J. Conner : Darlene made it.