Two and a Half Men (TV Series)
Waiting for the Right Snapper (2008)
Charlie Sheen: Charlie Harper
Photos
Quotes
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Dr. Linda Freeman : Look, Charlie. I've got my next patient waiting. If you like, we can make a weekly appointment and really explore these issues. In fact, twice a week might not be over-doing it.
Charlie Harper : No, thanks. I prefer to deal with my demons as they escape.
Dr. Linda Freeman : All right.
Charlie Harper : So, what do I owe you ?
Dr. Linda Freeman : Well, I get $200 an hour, you were here for 5 minutes, so, why don't we just round it off and say $200.
Charlie Harper : Man, even hookers pro-rate.
Dr. Linda Freeman : Hookers don't have to listen to you, Charlie.
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Dr. Linda Freeman : I've got five minutes before my next patient, so, why don't you just give me the headlines.
Charlie Harper : All right. I'm seein' a woman.
Dr. Linda Freeman : That's not a headline, Charlie. That's the name of the paper.
Charlie Harper : I know, I know, but... But she's different from the type of woman I usually go out with.
Dr. Linda Freeman : Different how?
Charlie Harper : Well, she's a little older.
Dr. Linda Freeman : Well, you couldn't really go younger without having to register with the authorities.
Charlie Harper : I mean, she's older than me.
Dr. Linda Freeman : Oh. We have our headline.
Charlie Harper : And I'm confused because I have really strong feelings towards her.
Dr. Linda Freeman : Do you find her attractive?
Charlie Harper : Yeah, she's gorgeous!
Dr. Linda Freeman : How's the sex?
Charlie Harper : We haven't had sex yet.
Dr. Linda Freeman : Hold the presses! We have a new headline.
Charlie Harper : Do I have to pay extra for the sarcasm?
Dr. Linda Freeman : No, it's a flat rate.
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Angie : [Angie answers her door, hair disheveled, mascara running] What the hell do *you* want?
Charlie Harper : What?
Angie : Tricia broke off her engagement with Jeremy because of you!
[she takes a drink from the bottle she's carrying]
Charlie Harper : No! No! No! I was good, honest!
Angie : He was crushed! My little boy had a nervous breakdown and tried to drink bleach!
Charlie Harper : Yeah, but I was good!
Angie : Oh, good! Tricia told us everything about you and her!
Charlie Harper : Everything? And he was still crushed?
Angie : You lied to me!
Charlie Harper : No! No! No! No! I didn't lie! I just didn't tell! It was a long time ago and I didn't want you to be jealous because she's young and you're...
Angie : I'm what?
Charlie Harper : A real trouper?
Angie : Drop dead!
[she slams the door in Charlie's face]
Charlie Harper : [Looking up at the sky] But, I was good!
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Evelyn Harper : Well, you can't say I didn't warn you.
Charlie Harper : You did. You warned me.
Evelyn Harper : But did you listen?
Charlie Harper : [Annoyed] No.
Evelyn Harper : Do you ever listen?
Charlie Harper : [Still annoyed] No.
Evelyn Harper : Are you listening now?
Charlie Harper : [Really annoyed] No.
Evelyn Harper : So you're just gonna sit there and feel sorry for yourself.
Charlie Harper : No, I'm also gonna drink.
Evelyn Harper : Come on, Charles, this isn't like you. Apart from the drinking.