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Siberia (2018)
One of the most confusing screenplays I have ever seen
This is my attempt of summarizing the characters in Siberia.
It starts with Keanu wanting to see Pyotr. We never actually see Pyotr, but we get around eight scenes of Keanu getting/making a phone call, where he expresses his urgency in seeing Pyotr. Then we get introduced to Boris, who sells diamonds as well. He is the only character in the diamond industry we see, along with Vincent. Vincent and Keanu, allying with other South Africans apparently, once teamed up against Lagos. This explains their friendship, I guess. Andrei also sells diamonds, but we don't see him. Samsonov is also involved in the diamond industry, and as expected, we don't see him either. All we know about him is he is "a bad man." Volkov also participates in the diamond industry. A guy named Polozin has leverage over Keanu, and luckily we see him in a couple scenes.
That's just the characters for the diamond industry. There are a whole lot of friends and family members from Keanu's multiple love interests.
If that sounded confusing, that's because it is. This movie made no sense at all and I was confused within the first five minutes.
Paris, Texas (1984)
I hate this movie...
...because I pride myself on having never teared up watching any movie or TV show, but the last 20-30 minutes of Paris, Texas left me an emotional wreck.
Better Call Saul: Nippy (2022)
Fascinating detail
Jim O'Heir plays Frank in this episode. This is a clear reference to Aloysius O'Hare in the classic movie, The Lorax. Gluttony is the overlapping trait among these O'Haeirs, with Aloysius hogging all the air for himself and Frank hogging all the cinnamon rolls.
Match Point (2005)
Bruh
My man really cheated on his beautiful, rich, caring, and affectionate wife with the failed actress who throws tantrums in public and in her run-down apartment.
Hausu (1977)
Thanks for ruining my eyes
Hausu and the Pokemon episode Denno Senshi Porygon are battling it out for the piece of Japanese media that can provoke more seizures among its audience.
Blade (1998)
Warning: Don't watch while thirsty for a Danimal
Dialogue such as "I'm dying for a drink" and "You really look thirsty" really accentuated my thirst for a Danimal. If you're also dying for a Danimal, don't watch this movie. You will probably die of thirst.
The Lorax (2012)
An often misinterpreted film
The conclusion of the film is everyone singing "plant a seed inside the earth" and I'm sitting here like "bro, I want Aloysius O'Hare to plant a seed inside of me."
Wild Kratts (2010)
You know that guy?
Sometimes you see some guy that you don't even know, yet you feel an insurmountable hate. There is no reason for the hate. The person seems like a friendly, functioning human being. While your brain tries to logically inform you that your hate is unjustifiable, you can't shake it off. You will feel hate for that person for the rest of your life.
That's me with Wild Kratts.
Vidas Secas (1963)
Can you guys help me?
The only thing barren about Barren Lives is me who watched this movie in the middle of the desert. I'm really thirsty. If anyone could send me some water, it would be much appreciated.
The Fanatic (2019)
Funniest thing I've seen in years
I would write an elaborate review of how "The Fanatic" revolutionized cinema with John Travolta's hilariously amazing performance, the dumbest climax I've ever seen, and lines like "he didn't just cross the line; he nuked it." But...I can't talk too long, I gotta poo.
Mommy (2014)
Has one major flaw
The one thing I hate about this movie...
...is the weird looks I receive when I inform people that one of my favorite films in recent memory is called "Mommy."
Young Sheldon (2017)
A sneak peak at the show's revolutionary humor
"Sheldon, can you pass me the sugar for the cake?"- mom
"I am obliged to transport the C12H22O11 to my biological mother, who is currently mixing 1 cup white sugar, ½ cup butter, 2 eggs, 2 teaspoons vanilla extract, 1 ½ cups all-purpose flour, 1 ¾ teaspoons baking powder, and ½ cup milk to produce a sweet modification of bread."- Sheldon
*laughing while Sheldon is drowned in vanilla extract and baked to 360 degrees Fahrenheit- the audience.
Funny Games (1997)
I have uncovered a hidden detail by the master filmmaker Haneke
Upon my rewatch of "Funny Games", something I, and presumably others, overlooked, suddenly became apparent. Spoilers ahead:
The games aren't that funny.
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005)
Appropriate title...
...because I would also like to kiss kiss and bang bang Michelle Monaghan.
(this sentence you're reading only exists because I need to reach the 150 character minimum for reviews)
Tall Girl 2 (2022)
The budget of this movie was over $24 million
"The average budget for a Netflix series would be 2 million dollars per episode."
Mindhunter has nine to ten episodes.
The show is cancelled due to budgetary issues.
Instead of continuing arguably the greatest show on Netflix, we got something no one asked for.
And that thing that no one asked for sucked ass.
Rear Window (1954)
What a genius Hitchcock was
He examined one of the most difficult would-you-rather questions - one so genius that no one before his time even considered. Would you rather sleep with the most beautiful woman on the planet or spy on your neighbor?
Casablanca (1942)
My favorite film!
My first watch of Casablanca elucidates the quality of the film:
I was thirteen years old, hanging out with my friend named Blake. Right before leaving his house, he pulled me aside and whispered "Bro, you have to check out this site called 123movies. You can watch anything you want." Naturally, I went home intrigued.
The next few weeks consisted of pirating Dragon Ball Z. One day, I went with my dad to the university library to check out some books. I wandered into the basement, filled with collections of films and film posters, and noticed a poster of something called "Casablanca." That spot on the wall belonged to other classic films like "Rocky" and "Jaws", so I assumed that film would be good. Feeling adventurous, I decided to give it a watch once I went home.
My dad dropped me off at home. No one was there. I hooked up my laptop to the TV, opened 123movies, and pulled up "Casablanca." Snug in my blanket, I watched it with no interruptions.
If you told that 13-year-old horny CGI and anime-obsessed middle schooler that he would be glad that he watched some 1942 black-and-white romance instead of Dragon Ball Z, he would have rolled his eyes. If you told him it would immediately become his favorite film, he would have laughed in your face. But here I am, eager to rewatch it for the 14th time tomorrow on its 80th anniversary as a sophomore in college, and I will enjoy it as much as I did the first time.
If that does not convince you to watch this film, nothing will.
Stalker (1979)
Apparently a classic
Whenever Tarkovsky makes a film exploring and following a stalker, it's considered one of the greatest films ever made. But whenever I act like a stalker, I'm told to "leave the premises before I call the police." I can't stand this unfair treatment.
The Queen's Gambit (2020)
Didn't help me with the queen's gambit
After the show's completion, I logged onto Lichess and was paired with a FIDE Master. I decided to play the queen's gambit, as the show must have boosted my chess abilities. It didn't, and I got my ass kicked. Poor marketing makes me deduct a couple points, but the show is pretty cool.
Daredevil (2015)
Wow, oh, WOAH
Season 1: Wow, this is one of the best things Marvel has ever produced.
Season 2: This Punisher stuff is really cool...oh, ninjas are here? I mean, ok. Wait, why is there a hole in the ground? Are you gonna explai...how did that guy with third degree burns come back? Maybe I'll figure it out soon...oh, now there's big finale with ninjas and stupid magic with The Hand. Well, that was a mixed bag.
Season 3: WOW THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST THINGS MARVEL HAS EVER PRODUCED!!!!!
Forrest Gump (1994)
He's literally me
I am literally Forrest Gump guys, except I haven't fought in war, I'm not rich, haven't had a girlfriend/wife, never succeeded in sports, and never met any esteemed political officials. Basically, I'm just dumb.
Monster (2004)
Amazing
1st percentile of IQ: "Anna pretty"
2nd-98th percentile of IQ: "You are missing the point of Urasawa's masterpiece! This perfectly paced series examines the origins of the psychopathic behavior from one of the greatest characters of all time--Johan Liebert. It separates from the popularized anime tropes in its realistic, historically accurate portrayal of Western and Central Europe following the Berlin Wall's fall. This is one of the greatest series of all time!"
99th percentile of IQ: "Anna pretty"
Spider-Man: No Way Home (2021)
Pretty cool
The people in my theater cheered when Andrew Garfield, Charlie Cox, and Tobey Maguire showed up on the screen, but I was ecstatic when the Lizard gave a throwback to Electro's tooth gap scene in The Amazing Spiderman 2 by saying "Hey Electro, I remember when you had bad teeth."
Banana Fish (2018)
My man Golzine
Gets shot twice and left to die
Walks into a warzone
Dodges missiles and gunfire
Silently follows an armed, notorious mercenary
Shoots him in the head
Refuses to elaborate
Falls into an explosion
Sigma billionaire grindset.
Grown Ups 2 (2013)
Awful
My friend Blake said Grown Ups 2 is a good movie.
No one knows where he is now.
I hope no one looks in my basement.