Reviews

...because I pride myself on having never teared up watching any movie or TV show, but the last 20-30 minutes of Paris, Texas left me an emotional wreck.

Jim O'Heir plays Frank in this episode. This is a clear reference to Aloysius O'Hare in the classic movie, The Lorax. Gluttony is the overlapping trait among these O'Haeirs, with Aloysius hogging all the air for himself and Frank hogging all the cinnamon rolls.

Hausu and the Pokemon episode Denno Senshi Porygon are battling it out for the piece of Japanese media that can provoke more seizures among its audience.

Dialogue such as "I'm dying for a drink" and "You really look thirsty" really accentuated my thirst for a Danimal. If you're also dying for a Danimal, don't watch this movie. You will probably die of thirst.

The conclusion of the film is everyone singing "plant a seed inside the earth" and I'm sitting here like "bro, I want Aloysius O'Hare to plant a seed inside of me."

Sometimes you see some guy that you don't even know, yet you feel an insurmountable hate. There is no reason for the hate. The person seems like a friendly, functioning human being. While your brain tries to logically inform you that your hate is unjustifiable, you can't shake it off. You will feel hate for that person for the rest of your life.

That's me with Wild Kratts.

The only thing barren about Barren Lives is me who watched this movie in the middle of the desert. I'm really thirsty. If anyone could send me some water, it would be much appreciated.

I would write an elaborate review of how "The Fanatic" revolutionized cinema with John Travolta's hilariously amazing performance, the dumbest climax I've ever seen, and lines like "he didn't just cross the line; he nuked it." But...I can't talk too long, I gotta poo.

The one thing I hate about this movie...

...is the weird looks I receive when I inform people that one of my favorite films in recent memory is called "Mommy."

...because I would also like to kiss kiss and bang bang Michelle Monaghan.

(this sentence you're reading only exists because I need to reach the 150 character minimum for reviews)

"The average budget for a Netflix series would be 2 million dollars per episode."

Mindhunter has nine to ten episodes.

The show is cancelled due to budgetary issues.

Instead of continuing arguably the greatest show on Netflix, we got something no one asked for.

And that thing that no one asked for sucked ass.

He examined one of the most difficult would-you-rather questions - one so genius that no one before his time even considered. Would you rather sleep with the most beautiful woman on the planet or spy on your neighbor?

My first watch of Casablanca elucidates the quality of the film:

I was thirteen years old, hanging out with my friend named Blake. Right before leaving his house, he pulled me aside and whispered "Bro, you have to check out this site called 123movies. You can watch anything you want." Naturally, I went home intrigued.

The next few weeks consisted of pirating Dragon Ball Z. One day, I went with my dad to the university library to check out some books. I wandered into the basement, filled with collections of films and film posters, and noticed a poster of something called "Casablanca." That spot on the wall belonged to other classic films like "Rocky" and "Jaws", so I assumed that film would be good. Feeling adventurous, I decided to give it a watch once I went home.

My dad dropped me off at home. No one was there. I hooked up my laptop to the TV, opened 123movies, and pulled up "Casablanca." Snug in my blanket, I watched it with no interruptions.

If you told that 13-year-old horny CGI and anime-obsessed middle schooler that he would be glad that he watched some 1942 black-and-white romance instead of Dragon Ball Z, he would have rolled his eyes. If you told him it would immediately become his favorite film, he would have laughed in your face. But here I am, eager to rewatch it for the 14th time tomorrow on its 80th anniversary as a sophomore in college, and I will enjoy it as much as I did the first time.

If that does not convince you to watch this film, nothing will.

Whenever Tarkovsky makes a film exploring and following a stalker, it's considered one of the greatest films ever made. But whenever I act like a stalker, I'm told to "leave the premises before I call the police." I can't stand this unfair treatment.

After the show's completion, I logged onto Lichess and was paired with a FIDE Master. I decided to play the queen's gambit, as the show must have boosted my chess abilities. It didn't, and I got my ass kicked. Poor marketing makes me deduct a couple points, but the show is pretty cool.

1st percentile of IQ: "Anna pretty"

2nd-98th percentile of IQ: "You are missing the point of Urasawa's masterpiece! This perfectly paced series examines the origins of the psychopathic behavior from one of the greatest characters of all time--Johan Liebert. It separates from the popularized anime tropes in its realistic, historically accurate portrayal of Western and Central Europe following the Berlin Wall's fall. This is one of the greatest series of all time!"

99th percentile of IQ: "Anna pretty"

My friend Blake said Grown Ups 2 is a good movie.

No one knows where he is now.

I hope no one looks in my basement.