DocEphraimBates's Reviews

Rabbit Hole (2023)

9/10

27 March 2023

I'm okay with some shows releasing one episode on a weekly basis, but this show is not one of them. After watching the first two episodes, I wanted the whole sha-bang.

Right here, right now!

The acting is great, the writing is excellent, the pace is fantastic, and the story is amazing. I couldn't take my eyes off of my tv. I mean, I couldn't because if I did, I would have missed too many things.

My only fear with this show is that it may write itself into a corner. A lot of times shows with this many moving parts, such as Manifest or Lost, seem really cool at the beginning, but end up going nowhere.

I have high hopes for this show. For one, it doesn't deal with the paranormal. For two, this show doesn't take itself too seriously, as evidenced by the way the writers let the other characters make fun of main character John Weir and his extreme paranoia. Well, John, I've got good news and bad news for you. The good news: You're not paranoid. The bad news: Everybody really IS out to get you.

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Lucky Hank (2023)

9/10

Hysterically Wonderful Writing

22 March 2023

After having seen Bob Odenkirk take such a different acting turn in the movie "Nobody", I was hoping for something unique in "Lucky Hank", as well. I don't know what everybody was looking for, but I thought what I got in the first episode of this show was just what I wanted.

Fresh.

Different.

And very funny.

If you're looking for sex and violence and mind-numbing, avant garde humor, this is not the show for you. If you're wanting some dry wit, grown-up humor, and intelligent writing...you'll find a home with this one. It has me looking forward to Sunday nights again.

Thanks, AMC!!

I'll definitely be telling my friends and family about this one.

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Arctic (2018)

1/10

The Cold, Hard Facts

26 April 2019

People that are giving this movie high scores are just trying too hard. They're probably the same people that gave the movie "Open Water" such high praise, and that was, basically, 80 minutes of watching people float in the middle of the ocean. I like Mads Mikkleson a lot. He's kind of a cross between pre-bloated Rutger Hauer and a European Christopher Walken. Still, the bottom line about "Arctic" is that if you are looking for a movie that's entertaining...this is just not it. I read a review where someone said they loved the script to this movie, and to that person I have these two questions to ask: #1. What script? #2. Were you and I watching the same movie? Because the script for this movie comes in at roughly10-12 lines. Total. For the whole hour and a half. No exaggeration. If you watch this movie, you will be watching what amounts to about an hour straight of a guy dragging a sled with a woman strapped to it through the snow. A polar bear makes a cameo at one point (which is about the best 45 seconds of the movie), and Mads stares at a map intermittently, and those are the only two things that break up the monotony of him doing sled dog-like work through a never changing, snow-covered cinemascape. That's it...for 90 minutes. And if - like me - you think that there might be a redeemable ending to make up for all the inconceivable, inexplicable tedium that this movie puts you through... Naaahhhhhhh... Hard to fathom as it may be, the ending of this movie is the worst part of this steaming pile of dog duke. This is no spoiler. The ending of this movie blows chunks of blue cheese!

So, how people are rating this movie 8 stars and 9 stars and the like is well beyond my reasoning capabilities. If you could see me right now, I am, lit'rally, shaking my head. Lit'rally.

Loved the script?! That's...it's just...I mean... AAAARRRGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!

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Greta (2018)

3/10

I was watching the movie and then...

15 March 2019

Took in this particular cinematic piece down at the local movie house at a 2pm matinee so, yeah, I was the only one in the place. Cool. I settled in with the pre-requisited popcorn and pop and began to watch. I was watching the movie and then - about 30 or so minutes in - I realized something... I was watching a bad movie! The Greta character is no doubt a Grade-A, world class, freak show. However, from there, the rest of the characters are just, for lack of a better term, stupid. Probably the writer's fault, I'm sure. At one point, the victim goes to the police (for about the third time), and they tell her that she can get a TRO against Greta, but then proceed to tell her that it could take two months to get it. TWO MONTHS??? Geez, if you lived in a city where everyone was stalking everyone else, it might take a few weeks, but two months? I could only think, "Well, that doesn't ring true at all." So, kinda stupid. Later in the movie when the victim's father and roommate realize that there might really be a problem, the father - instead of going to the cops who already have a pretty developed history with this case - he goes to what can only be described as the world's oldest and stupidest private investigator. When the obvious fate finally befalls said P.I., you can only shake your head and say, "Stupid." Now, what the roommate does can only be described as absurdly and phenomenally stupid. At one point while viewing this flick, I wanted to reach into the screen and shake this woman and ask, "Are you stupid or something?!" I stuck around to see the ending because sometimes a bad movie will occasionally have a good ending. I've seen a few. This is not one of them. Without giving anything away, the ending might very well be the stupidest part of the whole movie. It was colossally stupid. So, I think you get my point. If you don't, go see the movie. You may actually enjoy it. ;)

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Gringo (2018)

8/10

Slow start, rocking finish

22 July 2018

It took a little bit for this one to get revved up, but once it did, boy howdy, it really delivered the goods. Darkly humorous, ultra-violent, and plot twists that keep coming right up to the very end, Gringo easily measures up to its contemporaries such as "Lucky Number Slevin", "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", and "Snatch". Stellar camera work, magnificent writing, and all-around great performances by Charlize Theron, Amanda Seyfried, Joel Edgerton, and the amazing David Oyelowo. Put this one on the must see list, gang! It does not disappoint.

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Letterkenny (2016–2023)

10/10

Tremendously funny show about the upper midwest yocals

17 July 2018

Sometimes a few of the jokes run a little long, but that's not nearly enough to take away from goodhearted, non-stop, belly laughs that this show brings. It's funny, to be sure, but if you've ever spent any appreciable amount of time in northern Minnesota, Wisconsing, or Michigan, the jokes will be riotous in the way they hit home. I have seen a lot of comedies that start out gut busting funny in the first 3 or 4 episodes, but then quickly fades as the seasons wear on (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, for instance). LETTERKENNY is not one of those shows. From Season One thru Season Five, the laughs just keep on coming. So much so, I had to rewind certain scenes because I was still laughing from punchline #1 when punchlines #2 and #3 were being delivered. Yes. It is just that funny. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I am. All right now...pitter patter...

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You Were Never Really Here (2017)

1/10

You Were Never Really Going Anywhere

23 April 2018

I like artsy movies. I like movies that make me think outside the box a little. I was hoping this would be one of them. However, at the halfway point of the movie I really, REALLY had to talk myself into watching the second half of this flick. Sometimes bad movies have decent endings a la Den of Thieves. I was hoping for that with this one. NOPE!

You Were Never Really Here seemed to go on longer than the extended cut of Dune, but it was less than an hour and thirty minutes. I even sat through the credits because I thought there might be something else at the end. Whoever wrote the review "It leaves you wanting more" hit the nail right on the head. I was definitely wanting more...like a plot and some acting and something remotely faster than the crippled snail's pace that this movie offered. I went through here and read a lot of the reviews, and almost all of them were 3 stars or less, so I'm not sure how the overall rating on this thing is a 7.1?? Yeah, I really lost 90 good minutes of my Friday night.

On the upside, I will say this: If a doctor ever tells me that I only have 90 minutes to live, I'm going to watch this movie again...because it lasts FOREVER!

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Open Water (2003)

1/10

The Worst Movie Ever

31 March 2018

I spent an afternoon watching this movie along with World Trade Center, and a more boring afternoon I could not have had. Open Water is a complete waste of time with no redeeming qualities at all. Don't waste your time like I did. I can't believe that they've made two more of these dopey movies. I can guarantee that I won't be watching either of them.

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River of Darkness (2011)

1/10

Dear Parents, If you ever want to punish your kids...here ya go

16 April 2017

Warning: Spoilers

I'm pretty sure that if you are still reading the reviews on this movie by the time you get to mine, you're just doing it for the sheer schadenfreude of it. With that in mind, here is my review:

I'll start out by using a line from the movie "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" when King Arthur, Sir Robin, Bors, and crew encounter the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog, "Run Away!! RUN AWAY!!!" Believe the hype, folks, because River of Darkness really IS that bad, and you really SHOULD run away.

Here are just a few of my favourite horrifically acted scenes: #1. Toward the beginning of the movie, Kurt Angle's character is either trying to say "Mother of God" or "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph", but what actually comes out of his mouth is "Mother of Mary and Joseph". Call me a slacker on my Bible lessons, but I'm really quite certain that Mary and Joseph did not share the same mother. Quite certain, indeed.

NEXT!!! #2. At a scene where a rabble of rednecks are sitting around talking about the murders that have just recently taken place, one of them is quick to point out that, "...there is an old wise tale..." Old WISE tale? Sure, I get it that there is such a thing as "old wise tales", but you can tell from the emphasis that the reddy puts on certain words that he was obviously going for "old WIVES tale". No one had the nerve to say, "CUT!!" and tell the guy the error of his ways?

And my favourite one of all: #3. Afer there have been several grisly murders down by ye olde River of Darkness, a scene happens along in this film that utterly defies explanation and logic. It starts with a woman sitting at a kitchen table and peeling potatoes, and it's dark outside. As she is peeling the spuds, her 7-8-year-old daughter comes downstairs, putting on her jacket and telling her mother that she is going down to the river (yes...the river of darkness) to catch crawdads or minnows or lightning bugs, etc. Her mother, wanting to be a good mother, asks her the following question, "Have you finished all your homework?" Really?? Yeah, really. And then, upon finding out that her daughter has been thwacked by said grisly murderers by the river of darkness, the mother has the gall to blame the frickin' sheriff!! Somebody call that credit card company because this is priceless.

A couple of things about this movie before I close. The writer/director of this movie and Kurt Angle are from Pittsburgh, PA, and since this is where the movie is shot, I feel pretty certain the powers that be on this film just went and raided the local Pittsburgh SAG Rolodex. All of the minor roles in this film...aka people that die...are either from Pittsburgh or have hardly any other acting credentials to speak of on their IMDb page. Also, there was an editor on this movie. ???!!!!! I know...that's what I said. Honest to Pete, I'd LOVE to see the takes that didn't make this film. Finally, it says in the IMDb file for this movie that it had an estimated budget of somewhere in the ballpark of 3.3 million dollars. I really wish they had spent some of that money on a decent camera. This whole film looks like it was shot from somebody's flip phone. Although, I'm pretty sure the most expensive cameras that money could buy wouldn't have been able to save this movie from becoming a soon to be viewed Mystery Science Theater 3000 subject.

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Room (I) (2015)

4/10

Brie Larson and Jacob Tremblay shine; everyone else is just irritatingly selfish

5 March 2016

Warning: Spoilers

***SPOILER ALERT*** ***SPOILER ALERT***

Sooooo...I stayed up late last night watching the movie "Room". Brie Larson won the Oscar for Best Actress for this movie, and the plot seemed like it might have potential. I guess now would be a good time to say once again...

***SPOILER ALERT*** ***SPOILER ALERT*** If you don't want to know why I didn't like this movie very much then you should stop reading now.

Brie Larson was pretty great, and the little kid was even better especially his narrative parts. The movie had plenty of touching moments, no doubt. I mean, even I couldn't keep the water works from flowing when mother and son were re-united in the back of that police car. Sadly, the main issue with this movie is that it peaks in the middle, and the last 58 minutes of the movie is filled with a bunch of useless drivel and irritating performances by some pretty decent actors (Joan Allen, William H. Macy, Wendy Crewson). Lit'rally, there was one seen that irritated me so bad that I wanted to reach thru my TV screen and smack someone. It's a scene where a "better-than-you" talk show host asks the mother if during any part of the seven years they were held captive if she ever thought of sending the boy away to a hospital or a shelter so that he could have a chance at a normal life. I just wanted the mother to say something like, "Hey, ya dimwit, do you even know what was going on? The guy had us locked in a soundproof shed with an electronic keypad lock on the door for SEVEN YEARS!!! The only way to "send my son away" would have been to send him with said abductor who probably would've just as soon slashed my son's throat and left his body in a dumpster than to risk having someone find him out because he was trying to give my son a chance at a NORMAL life!!"

But, unfortunately, those lines were never spoken.

The other detraction from this movie is that it doesn't take too long to realize that once the movie peaks that it's not going to have a succinct, defined ending. It was just a matter of waiting to see what scene the director decided to end it on. It could have ended a half hour sooner, or it could have played on for two more hours, but there was just no way to wrap it all up in a nicely wrapped package.

Yeah, usually I like it when a movie doesn't have a typical Hollywood ending...but not when you can see it coming from 35 kilometers away. In the end I give "Room" 4 out of 10 stars; two for Brie Larson and two for her son. Everything else in the movie is just pure, unadulterated nonsense.

RECOMMENDATION: Check out Spotlight instead. It won Best Picture for a reason.

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Angie Tribeca (2016–2018)

8/10

Nothing Is Off Limits

17 January 2016

This show is so funny that I have, lit'rally, lost my breath from laughing so hard. This show is a farce of the highest level. It should not be taken seriously by anyone at any time. The great thing about it is that the only ones that do take it seriously are the characters in the show that don't know they're in a farce. They think they're in an episode of Law & Order:Criminal Minds New York...Blue. And any topic is fair game. From the autopsy procedure with M.E. Dr. Scholls to the extreme stereotypes in every cop partner relationship with Tribeca and her partner, Jay Geils, to the secondary cop whose partner is a German Shepherd that barks like a dog but is understood like a regular human. Add to that every double entendre in the book and insanely bizarre and outrageous undercover scenes. Oh, and since this is a commercial free binge-a-thon, the blatant product placement is a riot in and unto itself. I love it, and this is just 5 episodes in!!

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Unfinished Business (I) (2015)

7/10

The screenwriters needed to make up their mind

17 July 2015

Yeah, I went ahead and gave it 7 out of 10. I was torn between a 7 or a 6, but I really did enjoy the movie. It made me laugh enough, for sure, and while the story isn't going to win any Academy Awards for originality, the actors did a good job with what they had to work with. The problem I had with this movie is that it tried to be two things at once, and it never really did make up its mind either way. For the most part, it's a lot of crude, rude humor and crazy sex/blatant nudity, but for some reason amidst all of that, the writer(s) keep trying to pull at our heart strings with the Vince Vaughn character's kids having bullying problems at school. Granted, bullying is a pretty hot topic button these days, but I don't really think that a German bath house, wheelbarrow sex in hotel rooms, and a gay fetish club in Berlin is really the platform from which you want to preach it. This movie would have been a lot better if they had picked one genre or the other and just stuck with it. Other than that, this movie isn't really all that bad. Nowhere nearly as bad as The Watch. Some good laughs, the naked people are pretty attractive, and Tom Wilkinson (who ISN'T naked in this film, thank goodness) is refreshingly funny in a rare comedic turn.

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Wild Card (2015)

6/10

Decent to be sure

26 May 2015

Wild Card has a lot of good things going for it. It's directed by Simon West (Expendables 2, Con Air, Black Hawk Down), and if you're a fan of West then it won't take you too long to see his directorial fingerprints all over this one. The screenplay was written by William Goldman (The General's Daughter, All The President's Men, The Ghost and the Darkness), a pretty fair playwright, indeed. The star power is there with Statham, Stanley Tucci, Jason Alexander and Hope Davis. The wall this movie hits is in the plot line. There isn't one. It's more like 3 short stories whose only connection is that they all take place with Nick Wild as the central theme. The action scenes are intense and exciting but completely unrealistic. Still, whenever you get a Jason Statham movie, you know that unrealistic is what you're signing up for. All in all, Wild Card is exciting, has some funny lines, and showcases the sights of Las Vegas very well, but don't be looking for this one to be setting any literary records in the plot category.

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Nightcrawler (2014)

9/10

Devious and twisted fun

12 March 2015

If you enjoyed Jesse Eisenberg's performance of Mark Zuckerberg in the Social Network then you will love the performance of Jake Gyllenhaal as Louis Bloom in this gem of a movie. The styles are almost one in the same. The fact that both believe so much in what they are doing, that the mere notion of wrongdoing is simply laughable. Also, I believe this movie was probably listed as a drama, but its true deserts would be much more forthcoming as being a black comedy. If you have a twisted sense of humor much like I do then this movie will be a real treat for you. Not to mention that in between the guilty pleasure laughs (that are a plenty throughout this film), the action sequences are filmed with a Bourne-like intensity. I am a writer and often times I get work done while I have a movie playing on my TV. Needless to say, with this movie I did not get a lot of writing accomplished. In a word, this movie is "FANTASTIC"!!

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