Glorback's Reviews

The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past (1991 Video Game)

A fat elf kid waddles around a world of backtracking...boredom ensues

25 April 2006

The hype surrounding this so called "SNES classic" is just utterly ridiculous.

You know, there are games like Super Metroid and Super Mario Bros 3 which, while over-rated, are OK, and I can still understand their appeal.

Then there are games like A Link to the Past, which everyone loves, yet it sucks.

Where to begin on why I hate this game. Well first off, the story is just plain asinine. Our overweight hero has a stupid dream, goes to see his stupid father, who gives him a stupid sword, so he can go around killing stupid monsters for some stupid reason. This all takes place within the very early part of the game, with little explaining as to why your dad gives you a sword, how you master it so quickly, and why this dream seems like anything more than just that, a dream.

Now, onto the control scheme. Well, the overhead perspective does NOT make moving around fun. You have to trek around obstacle after obstacle again and again. When 95% of a game has you using the d-pad, it's not a good thing. And even the attacks suck. The sword play is an absolute joke.

The graphics are pretty weak. They somehow managed to make Link's sprite look worse than it did in Zelda 2. Not to mention the environments are so damn boring, plain, and practically monocoloured. Walking through these drab worlds for so long can be very frustrating. The towns and townspeople are, however, more detailed, but you won't be spending nearly as much time here.

The fun is utterly non-existent. The game just isn't enjoyable. So much of it is backtracking that it puts any Metroid game to shame.

I could rant on about how much this game sucks for hours, but I'm lazy. But in closing, I hate this game. Leave me alone.

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Con (2005– )

If you like this show, I hate you.

15 March 2006

Anyone who seriously believes this crap is real is just plain stupid. Even if it was, it would still suck. It's a bunch of sleazy trash, plain and simple.

Skyler Stone isn't a genuine con man. He's just a smug moron who somehow managed to get his own show. Gah...I can't stand seeing that stupid smirk on his face. The only people he's fooling are the 60 IQ audience.

Unfortunately we may see a small wave of idiot kids who try to imitate this garbage and think they're uber slick con men.

It's unbelievable how much crap gets on the comedy network nowadays. I thought they reached their lowest point with You Bet your ass". How wrong I was. Hell, I'd almost rather watch Girls Will be Girls...

Oh wait...no I wouldn't. But seriously, don't bother with this pathetic excuse for a show.

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Super Mario Bros. (1993)

6/10

Interesting ideas, but not very good delivery.

19 February 2006

I think this movie gets more criticism than it deserves. It's honestly not THAT terrible.

I gotta say, when I was pretty young and saw it, it was quite a shock to see lush green plains replaced with a degenerate city unrivaled by even the worst areas of New York, and to see a slimy weird lizard where the happy-go-lucky Yoshi we all know and love would be, not to mention tiny walking mushrooms with mean faces replaced with some of the freakiest looking gargantuan humanoid monsters I've ever seen. Obviously, the movie has very little in common with the games in terms of appearance. However, the concept basically remains the same. Mario and Luigi set out to rescue the princess from Bowser/Koopa (who is also nothing like the giant monster he was in the games).

When I was young, my surprise overshadowed my understanding of the movie. Now that I'm older and have seen it again, I can better appreciate some of the good ideas it offered, and put aside comparisons with the games.

The story of origin is very interesting. I found the whole idea of dimensions split into a world of people evolved from apes and a world of people evolved from dinosaurs to be quite unique. Also, I liked the ideas of the evolution machine and the ubiquitous living fungus. Of course, for good ideas in movies to work, they must be delivered well. In a lot of ways, Super Mario Bros does not succeed in this.

The acting is actually pretty poor. Bob Hoskins and Dennis Hopper do an OK job, but John Leguiazamo and Samantha Mathis not so much. The bumbling Iggy and Spike deliver their lines much in the same way that people in high school plays do. You can't really take the actions of the actors very seriously, even at times when one is supposed to. The love subplot between Luigi and Daisy is done very poorly. If the director tried to make it seem less serious, it would have been OK, but he tries and fails to make the audience feel it is genuine. Also, some of the "humour" almost makes you cringe, and is pretty hackneyed. Consult the quote section for some examples.

These flaws aside, I still found this movie enjoyable enough to watch all the way through. If you're afraid of wasting money on a rental, then wait for it to come on TV.

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Earthworm Jim 2 (1995 Video Game)

Better than the original, but last of good EWJ games.

19 February 2006

Don't pay too much attention to Movie_Nutballs' review, as he simply uses the same review over again and just plugs in different titles.

This game seriously rocks. It has everything. Thats right. EVERYTHING.

Falling grannies? Yep

Malicious food? Yep

Anthropomorphic crows abusing puppies? Yep

Dressing up as a blind salamander and swimming through an intestinal track stopping only to participate in a game show (while still dressed as a salamander) to the tune of moonlight sonata? Yep

Thats just a taste of all the incredible stuff you can find in this game.

Seriously, if you can find this game, and have the right hardware, get it. Morte fun than a can of worms (which, by the way, is also in here).

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King of the Hill (1997–2010)

Not very entertaining.

8 February 2006

I never really found this show to be very good at all.

You know a show is good when you actually care about the characters, and feel for them. In King of the Hill, I just don't get that. The characters just aren't likable. Thats not to say that they're obnoxious or that they make you hate them, but you just don't care about them. If they all died in a horrible accident in a single episode, I wouldn't feel sad about it. Their personalities are just way too dull.

The other thing I don't like about this show is that it actually tries to teach the viewer a lesson. In most shows like this (cartoons for an older audience), they might have a little moral at the end, but in KOTH, they actually seem to be trying to make you have a revelation. Now thats all well and good for kid's shows, but I watch cartoons like this to be entertained and laugh. KOTH just doesn't do that.

If you want to kill about half an hour before another program comes on, you might as well tune into this, but only after a fair bit of channel surfing.

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Bob and Margaret (1993–2001)

You call it witty, I call it pretentious and boring.

8 February 2006

This show isn't funny. Did you hear me? I'll say it again, just in case. THIS SHOW IS NOT FUNNY.

Whats that? It has to be funny! It's British! After all they gave us Monty Python and The Office! Therefore, they are incapable of producing bad comedy.

Well looks like a monkey wrench was just thrown into that equation.

Everything about this show sucks. You know, there's a fine line between "subtle" and "monotonous". Now, before you pretentious jerks get on my case, I'll make it very clear that I "get" this show. It really isn't very complicated. But it certainly isn't exciting.

I don't know if there are still new episodes, but if there are, its gotta end.

By the way, just to remind you, this show isn't funny, never was, and I'm beginning to think it never will be. And I definitely won't be sticking around to see.

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Untold (2002)

4/10

A little better than your standard low budget run-of-the-mill horror movie, but not by enough

30 January 2006

Warning: Spoilers

*This comment may technically contain "spoilers" but it sure doesn't contain surprises*

My cousin and I rented this the other day hoping to get a good laugh at a typical amateur crappy excuse for a horror movie. Unfortunately, we didn't get too many laughs, and we certainly didn't get too many scares either.

Plot outline: A plane containing a company head's daughter and some weird piece of technology crashes in an area where our furry friend lives, so the company head assembles a team of personalities, rather than skilled hunters, to recover it.

For the first 3/4's of the movie, things get pretty boring. It mostly consists of shots of Big Foot lurking in the trees with the party members occasionally hearing him, and passing it off as nothing. We also see several shots of the party through Big Foot's point of view, and he apparently sees in thermal vision.

To set up the plot, we have to watch sequences of the group sitting around the campfire talking about possibilities to justify the sasquatches existence and actions. "maybe he can dodge bullets...if he sees them coming". Sure enough, we later see he can. "There are many uncharted lands that the sasquatch may live in. Maybe this is one of them that was over-looked". And obviously it is. "Maybe the Sasquatch is angry because the plane hit one of his family members". And sure enough, thats the case. Along with those scenes, there are a couple of "Oh my god its the sasquatch oh wait its just you!" scenes, and sadly, they are among the scariest.

Then, finally, people start dying. Well, 2 people at least. Plus, the bodies of past victims are discovered. The death scenes are pretty lame. It mostly just leaves it to our imagination by showing the Sasquatch grabbing them, then cutting to a different scene, but first, we are treated to some horrible screams off camera.

Then at last, we get to see the protagonist's final showdown with the monster. I gotta admit, I found it pretty exciting while it lasted. But alas, it's pretty short lived, and after we are treated to an ending that makes a half assed effort to seem cryptic. Then, some closing text with a rather boring conclusion.

I can't say I recommend this movie. It's not quite bad enough to give the Mystery Science Theatre 3000, and its definitely not scary enough and boring to enjoy as a horror movie. Just don't bother with it.

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Gremlins 2: The New Batch (1990)

5/10

A movie that I just don't find very funny anymore.

28 January 2006

I first watched Gremlins 2 at a pretty young age. Approximately 9 or 10, and despite not having watched the first movie at the time and not knowing what the hell was going on, I absolutely loved it. At my age, this stuff was the pinnacle of comedic genius. My cousin and I would rent it nearly every time one of us visited each other and we'd laugh the night away at it.

But around the ages of 14, my cousin and I, having not watched the movie in quite a long time, picked it up again. And, well, it just didn't seem very funny this time. Sure, there are still a few things that still give me a chuckle, but the mad laughter is long gone.

10-12 is probably the ideal age to enjoy this movie. Anyone younger will probably find it too frightening, and anyone older probably won't find it funny.

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Mona the Vampire (1999–2008)

Very enjoyable

25 January 2006

Now heres an interesting program. The adventures of a "vampire" girl and her 2 almost as delusional friends "Zapman" and "Princess Giant" (Charley and Lily), often antagonized by nasty spoiled rich girl Angela, as well as an assortment of other monsters.

Each episode consists of the 3 friends solving a supernatural mystery involving things such as the boogeyman to boy-bird hybrids to alien plots involving burger sauce. My favorite thing about the story is that it lets the viewer judge how much of whats going on is real by using a strange transition effect between scenes of normality and scenes involving the supernatural events.

All in all its a great kids show, but even at 17, I have a lot of fun watching it.

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What About Mimi? (2000–2002)

Strangely, I like this

25 January 2006

I'm not really sure why I like this show. There's just a certain charm about it that keeps me watching. It's quite an eye-catching, very colorful show, which is part of it's appeal. But it's not very funny, and doesn't really try to be either.

I don't really know if I should recommend it for people my age (17) because I can't see too many of them enjoying it. However, 9 and 10 year old's would probably be the ideal ages to enjoy it.

Basically, the show consists of a spunky, red-headed sixth grader Mimi, who takes it upon herself to try to solve all her friend's and family's problems regardless of whether or not they ask. There's also the obligatory mean spirited too-good-for-everyone rival and former friend Sincerity. Simple premise, but gets the job done well

7.5/10

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Family Guy (1999– )

Are you an intelligent individual? Then you won't like this show.

23 January 2006

Well the latest TV fad is finally starting to slow down, but not fast enough. And it just keeps getting worse and worse.

Do the writers have ADD or something? They can't go 5 seconds without breaking into some inane sequence that exists solely for a pop-culture reference, with no trace of subtlety.

"This is like the time when..." "Just like when..." "I haven't felt like this since..."

Jeez! Give it a rest already! Why do they even bother trying to pretend that there's a plot? Why not just turn the whole thing into a sketch show?

So is there anything original or innovative about Family Guy? No. It's trying to do what The Simpsons and South Park have already done, and it doesn't do it nearly as well. It's utterly forgettable. Years later when Matt Groening has become the modern day Hanna & Barbara, people will say "Seth MacFarlene who?"

Another thing I don't get about Family Guy fans, other than their ability to withstand day after day of reruns of the same crap, is how they always use the argument when defending Family Guy "It was brought back from cancellation twice, so it must be good". There are things better than being brought back from cancellation twice, such as being brought back from cancellation once, or better yet, never being canceled at all.

But whatever. Watch your crappy show. Enjoy it while it lasts. But when you come across the DVD sets selling for 2 bucks apiece at the old pawn shop, it will take you a few moments to remember that title "Family Guy".

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Queen of the Damned (2002)

1/10

Laughable

22 January 2006

I managed to catch this on TV the other day, and wow...I don't think I can effectively describe how bad this movie sucks. Even most of the loser goth kids who it was targeted for don't seem to like it.

The whole concept is just utterly ridiculous...

A vampire who is the lead singer of a nu-metal band. Thats what it's about. Just think about that for a few seconds. Take some time to process the thought. A vampire...singing...in a (crappy) rock band...What the HELL were the people who made this movie thinking? I've never read the books so I don't know how similar the 2 are, but if the premises were the same, I officially hate Anne Rice.

I was actually laughing at how awful this movie was. The "action" scenes were so over-the-top-matrix-wannabe that it was just too pathetic for words. Worse than that were Lestat's lame attempts for a "shrouded in mystery" pretense.

It's not good in a bad way either if you were maybe thinking it might be. I can't understand how people rip on Uwe Boll so much (not that he doesn't deserve it, because he does) but I don't hear this atrocity mocked nearly as much as it should be.

Don't even watch out of curiosity. 1/10 (I wish it could be 0)

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Home Movies (1999–2004)

10/10

Finally another "adult" cartoon I don't hate.

16 January 2006

As a matter of fact, I love this show. It's tied with Futurama as my all time favorite TV show. Unfortunately, its quite over-looked because people are too busy watching garbage like Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Family Guy (yeah, I said garbage).

Ever since South Park aired, idiots have developed a theory that the more swears and randomness stuck in a cartoon will make it more funny. Of course, it never worked. Home Movies finally offers something different.

The use of retro scripting is what really makes Home Movies shine. It makes all the dialogue feel so uncontrived, which can't be said about a lot of other cartoons. The jokes are intelligent, but not pretentious, and not just based on random crap. Its a lot like Seinfeld in the sense that everything that happens seems to be pointless at first, but it all ties in at the end.

Even on weekdays when I'm really tired, I'll still tough it out enough to stay awake and watch it.

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Bromwell High (2005– )

This show REALLY sucks

12 January 2006

This has to be the worst new show of the past few years. It actually makes Family Guy look funny.

Where's the wit? Where's the cleverness? Where are some friggin' DECENT JOKES!? Not in this piece of trash, thats for sure.

Ever since South Park first aired, hacks have been sticking their crappy cartoons on the T.V. and filling them with swears, because that makes them oh-so edgy. There is absolutely NOTHING witty or clever about this show, or at least nothing witty or clever that wasn't taken from an existing show and given a more unfunny twist to avoid accusations of blatant plagiarism.

It's comedic devices consist of one thing: Over-playing character's archetypes. The violent, crude and stupid girl did something violent, crude or stupid. The white trash slut did something whitey, trashy and slutty. The disgruntled teacher once again says that he hates his job. Hilarity ensues...

Unoriginal and Unfunny. Ditch this garbage.

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Wedding Crashers (2005)

1/10

I hate this movie.

6 January 2006

Wow...just...wow...This movie just brings bad to a whole new level.

Why...why is everyone raving about how hilarious this movie is? It took about 15 minutes before I started to see things that I even suspected were supposed to be jokes, and even then I wasn't sure if people were supposed to find it funny. I honestly had trouble distinguishing between what was supposed to be considered funny and what wasn't, save for some parts that were incredibly over-the-top attempts at comedy.

The worst things about this movie are the two main actors.

Vince Vaughn is too old for this role. It was painful to watch him struggle as he desperately tried to prove he is still "hip". When I wasn't cringing at Vaughn's attempts at hilarity, my eyes were transfixed on Owen Wilson's malformed nose. If it wasn't for the fact that about 90% of Wilson's movie's sucked, I'd say he's way passed his prime.

No, I don't hate comedy. I love comedy. I love comedy that is genuinely funny. But I didn't so much as crack a smile at this movie. Seriously. Not once. And not only were the jokes crappy, but a lot of the time the movie was just so slow with nothing happening that I'm surprised that any of the jackass teens that made up about 9/10ths of audience guffawing every 5 seconds at everything could possibly have sat through this.

I won't say that people who like this movie are stupid but...well...I can't think of an honest way to end this sentence without insulting people. It's scary how soon we can all expect a bunch of idiots crashing weddings across the globe trying to imitate those 2 failed comics.

Bottom line: Boring, soulless, and just plain not funny. Easily on my list of top 10 worst movies of all time.

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Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000–2023)

1/10

Awful show

26 December 2005

This is just one of those show's whose appeals I just can't understand.

There is really nothing clever about this show at all. Basically, all it is is a group of fast food orders spewing non-sequitors and making lame hip-hop references for 11 minutes. Seriously, thats all there is to it. It's just proof that anyone can slap together a pile of garbage, call it a show, and create an enormous dedicated fan-base.

Its almost sad that the show's creators have probably made a huge amount of money off of this. The artwork is pretty mediocre, and obviously involves little effort, but the writing is about 100 times worse. Basically any 16 year old wise-ass can whip something like this up in a day. No kidding.

Avoid this at all costs. Whats that? You're going to watch it anyway? I don't care. I still think this show sucks worse than almost anything on T.V.

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Glorback

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