The Worst, Most Poisonous Bags of Brainless Protoplasm On the Planet

Professional liar, slanderer, libeler, drug addict, racist, misogynist, raging hypocrite, homophobe, felon, and telemarketer Douche Limbaugh was born on January 12, 1591 at the base of Orodruin in the northwest portion of the Black Land of Mordor. He is the son of Countess Elizabeth Báthory de Ecsed and the Dark Lord Sauron.

He is a despiser of all things not male, white, heterosexual, Republican, rich or Christian, i.e. anything not exactly like him. He enjoys making fun of those with Parkinson’s disease, referring to law students and women's rights activists as "sluts" and "prostitutes," instructing black callers he’s unable to understand to "take that bone out of your nose and call me back,” and calling children “dogs” on the national airwaves. Despite all this, he cowardly refuses to debate anyone he ever differs with or criticizes.

Limbaugh (an avowed drug abuser) has been an outspoken critic of what he sees as leniency towards criminal drug use in America. Limbaugh (an AVOWED DRUG ABUSER) stated, "too many whites are getting away with drug use (!?!)" and illegal drug trafficking. Limbaugh (himself an avowed abuser of drugs) proposed that the racial disparity in drug enforcement could be fixed if authorities increased detection efforts (apparently of drug abusers like himself), conviction rates (of drug abusers like himself), and jail time for whites involved in illegal drugs (such as himself).

Naked, barely conscious, and lying in a corner of the floor of his kitchen, Douche was once quoted as saying “There's nothing good about drug use. We know it. It destroys individuals. It destroys families. Drug use destroys societies. Drug use, some might say, is destroying this country." When asked for further comment, the visibly inebriated puss bag stated "We have laws against selling drugs, pushing drugs, using drugs, importing drugs. And the laws are good because we know what happens to people in societies and neighborhoods, which become consumed by them. And so if people are violating the law by doing drugs, they ought to be accused and they ought to be convicted and they ought to be sent up.” Editor's Note: Douche Limbaugh has proudly admitted to being a frequent drug user.



Just a select few of his many, many lies:

“It has not been proven that nicotine is addictive, the same with cigarettes causing emphysema."

"Banks take the risks in issuing student loans and they are entitled to the profits."

"There's no such thing as an implied contract."

"The poorest people in America are better off than the mainstream families of Europe."

"I mean, let's face it, we didn't have slavery in this country for over 100 years because it was a bad thing. Quite the opposite: slavery built the South. I'm not saying we should bring it back; I'm just saying it had its merits. For one thing, the streets were safer after dark."

"Mount Pinatubo in the Philippines spewed forth more than a thousand times the amount of ozone-depleting chemicals in one eruption than all the fluorocarbons manufactured by wicked, diabolical and insensitive corporations in history.... Mankind can't possibly equal the output of even one eruption from Pinatubo, much less 4 billion years' worth of them, so how can we destroy ozone?"

On Abu Ghraib: "This is no different than what happens at the Skull and Bones initiation ... And we're going to ruin people's lives over it and we're going to hamper our military effort, and then we are going to really hammer them because they had a good time."

"Let's assume you're right. So, David Paterson will become the massa who gets to appoint whoever gets to take Massa's place. So, for the first time in his life, Paterson's gonna be a massa."

"If you could send us 400 words on your hope for the Obama presidency, we need it by Monday night, that would be ideal. I don't need 400 words, I need four: I hope he fails."

“The media has been very desirous that a black quarterback do well, black coaches and black quarterbacks doing well. There is a little hope invested in McNabb, and he got a lot of credit for the performance of this team that he didn't deserve.”

“If we are going to start rewarding no skills and stupid people, let the unskilled jobs, let the kind of jobs that take absolutely no knowledge whatsoever to do, let stupid and unskilled Mexicans do that work.”

“One thing I want to do before I die is to conduct the Homeless Olympics. Events would include the ten-meter Shopping Cart Relay, the Dumpster Dig and the Hop, Skip & Trip.”

“There are more American Indians alive today than there were when Columbus arrived or at any other time in history. Does this sound like a record of genocide?” [according to US Census Bureau estimates, there were approx. 15 million Indians in America when Columbus arrived. There are approx. 2 million in America as of 1996]

“Have you ever noticed how all composite pictures of wanted criminals resemble Jesse Jackson?”

“There are more acres of forestland in America today than when Columbus discovered the continent in 1492.” [Both the United States Forest Service and the American Forestry Association indicate precolonial forests have been reduced by about 24 percent or nearly 300 million acres.]

"Some of the wealthiest Americans are African-American now."

Wisconsin is "one of the bluest" states, but under Scott Walker its unemployment rate "is around 3.5%."

President Barack Obama shut down NASA space flights and turned the agency "into a Muslim outreach department."

Says the media created the term "polar vortex" and the cold air proves "the ice isn’t melting."

"One person, Kathleen Sebelius, was going to determine whether or not" 10-year-old lung patient Sarah Murnaghan would live or die.

Research shows that "a vast majority of arriving immigrants today come here because they believe that government is the source of prosperity, and that's what they support."

Alaska's Prince William Sound "is pristine now."

People "can't go fishing anymore because of Obama."

The government is "going to have the right to get into your bank account with the health care bill and make transfers without you knowing it."

"President Obama . . . wants to mandate circumcision."

Sotomayor "ruled against the white firefighter — Ricci and other white firefighters — just on the basis that she thought women and minorities should be given a preference because of their skin color and because of the history of discrimination in the past. The law was totally disregarded."

"You can't read a speech by George Washington . . . without hearing him reference God, the Almighty."

Number of weeks at the #1 position: 116 (In other words, all of them. He’s not likely to be dethroned until well after he finally fcking dies)