Actors who should be delivering pizzas in hell and a few worth saving

Robbed Cate Blanchett of an Oscar for talking to herself in Shakespeare in Love, one of the most boring movies ever. Nepotism and skinny genes propelled her into the spotlight. Bland and forgettable, but somehow loved by many. Will sell you a ten thousand dollar vibrator on her idiotic and narcissistic "Lifestyle" website. Moonlights as Dorothy Day, clearly. Somewhat tolerable in Sylvia, but one never forgets she's Gwyneth Paltrow. Would she last a day in a trailer park?

Prettier than most women, Bloom was most tolerable in Elizabethtown and least tolerable in everything else. Smiles and does algebra equations in his head to induce look of faux smoldering intensity. According to Aylin, the poor man's Leonardo Dicaprio. Most are jealous of him. Married Katy Perry, who still prefers kissing girls.

Neurotic, intense, and full of precocious sensitivity, Danes always looks like she'd rather be reading a book. Most preferably a classic. Died poetically in Little Women and married to Hugh Dancy. He went to Oxford. No doubt they spend evenings reading poetry to one another and discussing liberal causes by fire light.

A truly bad actress, Roberts vacillates between angry speeches and pure condescension in most of her roles. Became famous for playing a hooker, then was allowed to morph gradually into "serious" roles. Best in Mystic Pizza, her worst roles were in things like Notting Hill, in which she played herself. Co-stars are required to worship her in most of her vehicles. Would love to see her play a garbage collector.

A big ol'Texan grin is perpetually plastered on his face, or wherever the hell he's from. Knows he's attractive, which makes him insufferable. Liked him best in Contact, where his screen time is mercifully short. Plays the bongo drums, smokes weed, and has starred in too many rom-coms to count. Your mother probably thinks he's hot. On bad hair days, probably still thinks he's Robert Mitchum.

Anemic and lanky, Pattinson looked like he swallowed a newt during most of his vampire playing days. A teen sensation, he followed his Twilight stardom by appearing in movies about grim topics like 9-11. While not the worst actor ever, his face suggests ennui and existential crises he'll never solve. Was Kristen Stewart really his girlfriend? We'll never know.

A bizarrely overrated actress, Lawrence speaks like the prettiest sorority girl at the party, bursts of hilarity tinged with euphoria derived from bad mixed drinks. Most tolerable in The Hunger Games, she began to believe she was the second coming and it showed. Spends long hours in meditation eating gummy bears and watching trashy eighties soaps. Stars in movies in which people talk too much and think too little. Silver linings, anyone? Ahem.

For some she's the gold standard for acting. For others, we cringe at the sight of her. Self-important, giddy with liberal vehemence, and probably a secret needlepoint addict. She's been in holocaust movies and one highlighting union worker activism. Thanks to people casting her in this shit, she now treats us all to long speeches about how MMA are not the arts. Please keep her in Connecticut and off my TV screen.

A very loud and goofy woman who looks the way Hollywood thinks most chicks should look. Incredibly obsessed with her own ass. Made my eyeballs and ears slowly melt (and not in a good way) in The Holiday. Best role was as a blind woman in a movie with a title too long to type out. Perpetually highlighted on the Graham Norton Show to take the piss out of Americans, clearly.

I just like cupcakes. Next.

Jake Gyllenhaal probably won at least one spelling bee growing up. Beloved by gay men everywhere, JG has a hound dog face and a sweet puppy soul. His acting is of the intense thespian variety, and he benefited from nepotism big-time. Most believable playing store clerks, least believable in anything requiring him to look older than fifteen. He and his sister will be recast as the Wonder Twins, where the collective force of their privilege will smite even the most stubborn deposits of conservatism.

A pretty southern woman with no discernible emotions, Andie MacDowell burst into prominence for discussing sex on videotape. More nauseating proof of Hollyweird's ability to turn women into whores, she fails to captivate in every role. Pleasant and unthreatening, she should be cast as a serial killer or waitress with no heart of gold. I will say I enjoyed her when she was riding on buses with her sister, but overall I view her as the human equivalent of a sleeping pill.

With her unique looks and oddly high voice, Thurman became an obsession for people seeking relief from run-of-the-mill actors. Became famous for sexualised performances in everything from Jennifer 8 to Dangerous Liaisons. Smarter than most actresses, she still has all the charm of an icy, day old bowl of miso soup. Best cast in anything pretentious.

A plastic surgery addict, Kidman became the "it girl" for directors seeking a bankable leading actress. Neurotic, anorexic, and compulsively histrionic, Kidman was best in The Others. Her worst role was with her bug eyed ex, forever scientologist Tom Cruise. Cast mostly for her ability to wear clothes well and to fool audiences into thinking she's not one step away from the mother of all nervous breakdowns. Played Woolf for a reason.

Another blonde white woman with big blue eyes, Witherspoon's grin suggests half part Baptist church meeting, half addiction to Twizzlers. Strident, in-your-face, and least believable playing wallflowers or bookworms, Witherspoon is the second coming of spunky southern attitude meets too many tequilas. Best in The Man in the Moon, worst in Wild, a movie that is probably shown on flights to Thailand quite a lot.

Not the one I wanted. Next.

An actor who also benefits from nepotism, Cage has clearly spent many years discussing his inner traumas in AA meetings and burying his face in chocolate cake. Hilarious in The Wicker Man, oddly genius in Matchstick Men, Cage is a wildly uneven actor whose personal issues overshadow every role. Is he crazy? Does he take everything personally? Does he just need a hug? Yes, yes, and yes.

Legendary as Han Solo, Ford is one of the angriest good looking men alive. Grim, watchful, and always ready to punch people in the face repeatedly, he contains inner volcanoes of intensity unrivaled thus far in the history of cinema. Cast in too many "iconic" roles to count, Ford scares the living shit out of me. Is he a bad actor? A mediocre one? Or just good at playing a man who'd rather sit at a bar and cry, way deep down where it doesn't hurt?

An actor who defines the word pretentious, JM eerie-whispers his way into the squirmy recesses of your worst fears. A guy who spends hours reading old gardening magazines and who used to fantasise about his grandmother naked, clearly. Whip-smart, painfully uncomfortable to watch, yet touted as an important, thinking man's type of actor. Probably owns several pairs of purple jeans from a vintage thrift store. Most tolerable in Of Mice and Men, a book he actually read.

The angriest blue-eyed Irish- American guy alive, Baldwin is what Aidan Quinn fears waking up to in the morning. Cast for his hirsute good looks and phone-sex operator voice, Baldwin has both range and talent. Unfortunately, his squinty-eyed sociopathic ways grew more grating as the years went by. Best in things like Prelude to a Kiss, Baldwin will go down as the guy who parodied Trump on SNL. Paranoid, angry liberals love him, but he's happiest on a boat telling dirty jokes as his very young wife changes diapers.

Which brings us, of course, to Meg Ryan. Yet another American cheerleader with a sad eyed soul, Ryan was America's secretly angry sweetheart for years. Charmingly lispy and slight , she seemed to suggest vulnerability and confusion in spades. Trout Pout Meg is rarely seen these days, but her admirers have never waned. Best in movies playing neurotic yuppies, worst when cast as junkie rocker girlfriends.

Another in a long line of women with hair dye to burn, Theron was Hollyweird's attempt to turn a mediocre actress into cinematic gold. Detached and willowy, Theron hides secrets even from herself. Putty faced and pliable in Monster, for which she earned an Oscar, Theron tries very hard to act. Most English character actresses could blow her out of the water, but as ever, visually horny theater goers like a pretty lady. Best role: The Huntsman films. Most believable role: her Dior commercial, which she pranced her way through like a show pony looking for a sugar cube at the end of a carrot stick.

A Ken Doll brought to life, Redford's condescending and creepy persona has rubbed me the wrong way for years. Best cast as a millionaire who offers Woody Harrelson money to bang his wife. Self-important, this "natural" and instantly recognisable actor banks less on talent than confidence. Still pretty, still hanging out in Colorado, and still overrated as phuck.

Hurt is arguably the most depressed actor alive, a strangely cocky introvert with eyes suggestive of nights nursing narcotic substances. Cast as himself in the Big Chill, Hurt has played everything from tortured gay men to Mr. Rochester. Brilliant yet often dull, Hurt seems like he's on the verge of either filing his nails or filing a lawsuit during every scene he's in. Bring a whoopee cushion to the theater and you'll be just fine.

Val Kilmer is a Julliard graduate, which means during certain scenes his voice rises commandingly and women feel their ovaries explode. Handsome, weirdly vulnerable, narcissistic, and prone to writing bad poetry, Kilmer's eerie likeness to my cousin Jim Morrison is now legendary. He makes moon eyes, he smirks, he seems like he's taking great drugs in every scene. Whether he's playing Ice Man or a real genius, Kilmer makes you either want to remove your underwear or offer him a hug. And yes, I am a distant relative of Mr. Morrison, which explains my love of howling at the moon.

Writing about Mr. Cruise is a nail-biting proposition, as he is famously protective of his image. Tiny, blue-eyed, and famously intense, Cruise has starred in too many movies to count. A decent actor with a huge ego, Cruise still has the ability to confound. Does he truly believe he is a demi-god? Is scientology really his jam? South Park diddled him convincingly, at least. Top Gun is still his most famous role despite his fervent efforts to play everything from sixties activists to washed up rock stars. Your grandmother, mother, and sister love him, as does the guy who delivers your pizzas.

Winona Ryder is a Gen-X staple, an actress who has been around forever and has the gamine charm of a particularly pissed off pixie. Intelligent, self-absorbed, and prone to pocketing your lipsticks, Ryder was a blast in Heathers and scary in everything else. Whether playing tortured psych patients or Richard Gere's teenaged lover, Ryder is proof of Hollywood's peculiar love of child-women. Worst role was Lucy in Bram Stoker's Dracula, for which her English accent took the winter off.

What goes on in Keanu Reeves' pretty head? Only his dentist and chi analyst know for sure. A strangely remote and famously monotone performer, Reeves tops most bad actor lists. Surprisingly good in things like My Own Private Idaho, very likely he will never play Hamlet. Suave, handsome, and very much at home playing stoners, Reeves is polite to little old ladies and pays his cable bill on time.

Once a curvy and luscious Greek girl, Aniston famously reduced her body weight to become America's Favourite Anorexic. A witty performer, Aniston had the likeability factor in spades. After the TV show Friends wrapped, Aniston took her gazillions and conquered the big screen. A solid actor, she nonetheless has the boundless greed of that other famous Greek, Aristotle. Best role was in The Good Girl. Worst? Her Aveeno shilling, but of course.

A serious and important actress, Blanchett's steely gaze suggests a woman not to phuck with. Like, ever. Most interesting when cast as emotionally unstable teachers, CB spends nights petting her cat and staring off into space. Robbed of an Oscar for her passionate performance as the Virgin Queen, Blanchett recovered to take on a wide variety of roles. From elvish queens to rebellious lesbians, Blanchett commands the screen. Interviewers realise how stupid they are upon meeting her; fast food never touches her lips.

Is this the one Anne Hathaway starred in? Who the phuck knows. A highly intelligent chatter-box who never eats french fries willingly, Hathaway is universally hated for her perfection. Beloved by her psychiatrist, Hathaway has hosted the Oscars, played famine victims in most of her roles, and still charmed millions along the way. Sad-eyed Anne can still out sing and out class us all.

Possibly the kindest woman alive, Barrymore is part hippie, part twelve stepper, and part actual human fairy. Best known for roles like Never Been Kissed, Barrymore has kissed a lot of people. Related to Lionel, her start in life was shaky. She recovered to star in trashy B movies, eventually play Cinderella, and will go down in infamy as ET's other best friend. She eats french fries.

Peter Sarsgaard likes teak and is married to Jake's sister Maggie. An intense indie actor with small buttocks, Sarsgaard approaches each role with Method Actor clarity. Part guilty ex-Catholic, part angry wizard, PS is John Malkovich's little brother waiting to burst from the eaves. Best role was in Kinsey or perhaps Boys Don't Cry; worst was discussing his love of teak in the Architectural Digest tour of his former home. Has a highly organised sock drawer and can discuss political topics; expects to be taken seriously. Don't offer him margarine at breakfast.