Scream Queens (TV Series)

Pilot (2015)

Emma Roberts: Chanel Oberlin

Photos 

Quotes 

• Pete Diller : Uh, welcome to the Grind. What can I get started for you?

  Chanel Oberlin : [to Ms. Bean]  You don't want anything, do you?

  [to Pete] 

  Chanel Oberlin : I'll have a Trenta, no foam, five-shot half-caf, no foam pumpkin spice latte with no foam at 210 degrees.

  Pete Diller : First of all, that's really hot. That's two degrees below boiling.

  Chanel Oberlin : I'm sorry, did I enter a wormhole to a universe where this coffeehouse does not possess the technology to heat my favorite autumnal tradition to 210 degrees? I like my pumpkin spice lattes extra hot, so please comply with my request.

  Pete Diller : But extra hot is 170 degrees.

  Chanel Oberlin : I'm sorry, does your job description entail arguing with your customers, thereby delaying the moment at which they receive the irresistible nutmeggy sweetness of the extra hot, no foam, pumpkin spice latte they've been thinking about all day? I mean, God!

  Pete Diller : [to Ms. Bean]  Ma'am, what would you like?

  Chanel Oberlin : She doesn't want anything! She wants you to start making my extra hot, no foam, pumpkin spice latte!

• Grace : I'm Grace Gardener!

  Chanel Oberlin : You have rough hands. And horrible shoes. Are you Amish or something?

• Chanel Oberlin : She's dead!

  Grace : Well, of course she's dead, you just burned her face off!

  Chanel Oberlin : Shut up! You don't die from getting your face burned off.

  Zayday Williams : Yes, you do!

• Grace Gardner : There's a dead woman in your kitchen!

  Chanel Oberlin : Miss Bean was a servant, she knew the risks!

• Chanel Oberlin : I'm sorry, did I ask you to pull down my panties and blow a compliment up my butt?

• Grace : You are an awful person.

  Chanel Oberlin : Maybe, but I'm rich and I'm pretty so it doesn't really matter.

• Chanel Oberlin : Gay Jimmy Olsen over here got a little obsessed with me last year. I still have the fifteen thousand text messages he sent me. I had to get a restraining order.

  Pete Martinez : I was a freshman and I had a crush, okay? I tend to get a bit passionate about things. You intentionally led me on, you kept acting like you liked me just so you could humiliate me.

  Chanel Oberlin : What was I supposed to do? True Tori was over, I was bored.

• Dean Cathy Munsch : Now, I'm not sure your aware, but I'm no longer associate dean. After Dean Reynolds' unfortunate passing over the summer, I was promoted to her position.

  Chanel Oberlin : Well, that sure sounds suspicious.

  Dean Cathy Munsch : Yes, I snuck into the home of my 80-year-old colleague of twenty years, dropped a transistor radio in her bathtub so I could get a 5% raise.

• Chanel Oberlin : Good morning, slits.

  Chanel #2 , Chanel #3 , Chanel #5 : [in unison]  Good morning, Chanel.

• Chanel Oberlin : If Dean Munsch gets her way, Kappa's gonna be filled with fatties and ethnics. The fatties will bring their big ol' appetites and you know what those ethnics will bring with them? Weird spices from their home countries. That is a nuclear combination, Miss Bean! The weird ethnic spices will send the fatties racing to the bathroom to blow liquid fire out of their huge, swollen bowels. Think of the splashback! Think of the undersides of all of the toilets that you're gonna have to sanitize, Miss Bean!

• Chad Radwell : Hold up, are you saying dead bodies don't turn you on?

  Chanel Oberlin : Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying!

  Chad Radwell : You are so lame, you know that? God, I love all that death stuff. I got my first boner watching Faces of Death.

• Chanel #3 : There's no reason we shouldn't call the police.

  Chanel Oberlin : Are you kidding me, #3? What are we gonna tell them? That we burned Miss Bean's face off, thought she was dead, hid the body, then it came back to life and stabbed Chanel #2 while we were all in the house? They're never gonna believe that. That is an insane story!

• Chanel Oberlin : You're so confident without being mean. I mean, what antidepressants are you on?

• Dean Cathy Munsch : This is the final police report on the assault of your presidential predecessor at Kappa, Melanie Dorkus.

  Chanel Oberlin : That girl was a bitch, who thought she was all that because her family founded the Olive Garden and she had no gag reflex.

• Chanel Oberlin : Good evening, idiots!

• Dean Cathy Munsch : Now Dean Reynolds' over-sight of Greek life at this school was so negligent that it bordered on the criminal, and Kappa is the source of rampant reports of alcoholism, prescription drug abuse, racism, as well as allegations of bestiality...

  Chanel Oberlin : No one forced that goat to get as drunk it got! That's on him.

  Dean Cathy Munsch : But all of it is like children playing in a sandbox compared to the horrors that occurred at Kappa last spring.

• Chanel Oberlin : Do you think you like to munch box because your last name is Munsch, or is that just a coincidence?

• Chanel Oberlin : These are my minions. I don't know their names. I don't *want* to know their names. They are known as...

  Chanel #2 : Chanel number two.

  Chanel #3 : Chanel number three.

  Chanel #5 : Chanel number five.

  Chanel Oberlin : I'm Chanel number one, obvi. There was a Chanel number four, but she got meningitis. She was like, "I'm sick, I have to go home,"and I was like "No, stay", but she went home anyway and then she died. So another thing I was right about.

• Melanie Dorkess : My main problem with you, Chanel, is that you're short. And historically short people are sneaky back-stabbers like Napoleon or Paul Shaffer.

  Chanel Oberlin : I asked, but the dry cleaner said that they couldn't rush the clothes. I'm so sorry.

  Melanie Dorkess : I'm not finished. I could actually handle that you're built like a Thai ladyboy, but what I can't stand is that you think you're my heir apparent.

• Chanel Oberlin : If this is our pledge class, I'm killing myself... and then Munsch. Look at them, they're the dregs of society. I can't believe this. Each one of these gashes is worse than the next.

• Chanel Oberlin : Kappa sisters, someone is screwing with us. This blood oath will insure solidarity among us. We are all related now. Let's all touch bloody fingers as I read this oath. "Hail Odin, wise warrior, one-eyed wanderer. Tell the scenes your missing eye sees."

  Chanel #5 : Wait, Odin who, where did you find that?

  Chanel Oberlin : I don't know. The internet. I just googled "blood oath" and this is what came up.

• Chanel Oberlin : Walk away now. You haven't even seen half of what I'm capable of. Once you're on my fatwa list I show no mercy. I totally spit in your coffee, bitch.

• Dean Cathy Munsch : I'm gonna be honest. I hate sororities and I hate you. For years, I've seen the damage these so-called sisterhoods have had on young girls.

  Chanel Oberlin : Do you think you like to munch box because your last name is Munsch or is that just a coincidence?

  Dean Cathy Munsch : First of all I'm not a lesbian. Second, this is exactly what I'm talking about. You see, out in the real world, people just don't talk that way to other people. It's not normal.

• Chanel Oberlin : Predatory Lez. Real name: Mac or Butch or something. Two days ago, I caught her staring at my ass in the quad. All that girl's after is a whole lot of bikini burger.

• Chanel Oberlin : Neckbrace. Real name: Hester Ulrich. History major. She smells like hot dog water and probably sprained her neck giving blumkins down at the local bowling alley.

• Chanel Oberlin : Deaf Taylor Swift. Real name: Tiffany something, and like all deaf people, she has horrible halitosis.

• Dean Cathy Munsch : Chanel, I'd like you to introduce you to Jennifer.

  [who is the very antithesis of what Chanel sees as cool] 

  Chanel Oberlin : I'm sorry, Kappa doesn't participate in the Make a Wish Foundation.

• Chanel Oberlin : You said you loved me!

  Chad Radwell : I do sort of love you. I just... I would love you a lot more if other people loved you too.

• Chanel Oberlin : Oh, hi, Miss Bean. What are you doing?

  Ms. Agatha Bean : You told me to scrub all the floors in the house with a Barbie toothbrush.

• Chanel Oberlin : Since we can't turn the castoff pledges away, we're gonna have to scare them off. That's why I'm gonna burn your face off.

  Ms. Agatha Bean : What?

  Chanel Oberlin : Not for real, silly. It'll be pretend. So here's the skinny: We're gonna get in a fight and I'm gonna dunk your head in the deep-fryer.

  Ms. Agatha Bean : What? No!

  Chanel Oberlin : The oil won't be hot. We'll turn off the machine, idiot. You'll just pretend, then come up all screaming and I guarantee all those newbies will run screaming into the night and go pledge some other sorority.

• Chanel Oberlin : I was just in your room where I noticed you have a sizable shrine with evil burning candles, photos of me with my face scratched out, and pairs of my stolen panties. Care to explain, chubby old Nazi?

  Ms. Agatha Bean : Chanel, I don't know what you're talkin' about.

  Chanel Oberlin : Now I know why all your food tastes like it's got a little bit of pee in it!

• Chanel Oberlin : Sisters and pledges of Kappa Kappa Tau, you now all share something so very precious to me.

  Grace Gardner : A felony?

  Chanel Oberlin : A secret. And secrets are the glue that bind sorority sisters together.

• Chanel Oberlin : Idiot, you don't get STD's from blood oaths. You get STDs from dirty toilet seats and drinking the water in Mexico.

  Chanel #5 : Um, STD stands for Sexually Transmitted Disease, which means that it's transmitted sexually.

  Chanel Oberlin : Does it look like the four of us are about to have sex right now, #5?

• Chanel Oberlin : If Miss Bean is still alive, that proves I didn't kill her. Now I won't be prosecuted for murder and I can stay popular and on my proper career track and Chad Radwell won't break up with me.

• Chanel Oberlin : You're about to get hazed harder than a suburban banquet hall during bat mitzvah season.

• Grace : Look at where being Kappa Queen has gotten you. You put on a good front but you're miserable. Don't you think any of that has anything to do with the fact that you've created an atmosphere based solely on negativity and raw ambition?

  Chanel Oberlin : You say that like those are bad things.

• Grace : Chanel, why are you so awful to everyone?

  Chanel Oberlin : My boyfriend compulsively cheats on me, all of my friends work for me, my parents didn't even call me on my birthday because they were too busy hosting a fundraiser for Jeb Bush.

• Chanel Oberlin : In regards to your fatwa against me, Dean Box Munch, I'm sure you are aware that my daddy is the largest donor to this university's endowment. I would not get personal with me, sweetheart. I don't fight fair.

• Chanel Oberlin : A lot of people talk smack about how sororities are exclusive and they're a class system. Well guess what? Life is a class system! And a sorority is the one place left in the world where you get to pick and choose the people around you.

• Chanel Oberlin : That obese specimen of human filth scrubbing bulimia vomit out of the carpet is Miss Bean. I call her White Mammy because she's essentially a house slave.

• Chanel Oberlin : Excuse me, White Mammy?

  Ms. Agatha Bean : You're not allowed to call me that.

  Chanel Oberlin : Sorry. I have a question and it's just a hypothetical. If I asked you if you knew somethin' about birthin' babies or if you didn't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies, what would you say?

  Ms. Agatha Bean : I'd say I don't know.

  Chanel Oberlin : Don't know?

  Ms. Agatha Bean : I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies.

  Chanel Oberlin : Amazing! Thank you.

• Chanel Oberlin : Good morning, sluts.