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The Three Musketeers (1948)
Maddening!
MGM's gorgeous 1948 version of "The Three Musketeers" is part of an excellent film......but, sadly, the other part is Gene Kelly. In most aspects the film is wonderful. Van Heflin's and especially Lana Turner's performances are among the very best of their careers. The only real flaw in the film is the usually excellent Gene Kelly's performance, and it is major and catastrophic! His D'Artagnan is jarringly, surrealisticly out of tone with everything else in the film. Granted, the character should be somewhat comic, but Kelly plays it manically, hysterically over the top, as if he wandered in from the Tex Avery cartoon next door. Unspeakably cringe inducing! And a terrible shame, since the remainder of the film is SO good!
Prometheus (2012)
Hollow Pretension
Visually impressive, but otherwise a massive, hollow disappointment. A shockingly uncharismatic "heroine" not fit to polish Ripley's boots, characters that...aside from "David" and "Janek"...are utterly unlikeable and generate zero sympathy, effects and situations that manage to be grotesque without ever being at all frightening, just barely above Syfy Channel level CG for "The Engineers", and worst of all, a script that takes perverse pleasure in being as obtuse as possible. I loathe being spoon-fed by a film, but I loathe even more a film that absolutely refuses to part with any information at all...and the pretentiousness inherent in that. That pretension is greatly in evidence here. Ridley Scott is a brilliant director when he's making entertainment, because his entertainments frequently achieve the level of art. When he's purposely trying to make art....he's a thudding, crashing bore.
Heartbeeps (1981)
A Childhood Joy
As I write this, I am 40 years old. "Heartbeeps" was released in 1981, so I assume that it played cable...HBO?...the same year, possibly 1982. Either way, I would have been 9 or 10 when I first saw it. I remember that it played incessantly...and I watched it each and every time. I must have seen it literally 40 or 50 times, and I loved it every single time. I remember being entranced by it, but the exact reasons why faded with the years. I was left with just good feelings and good memories until very recently when I was able to see it again. I had certainly read about it in the past. I knew that it was supposed to be really terrible, indeed one of the worst movies produced in the 80's. So terrible that Universal took control from Allan Arkush and cut it to 75 minutes, plus credits, and so terrible that Andy Kaufman went on the Letterman show to apologize for it. I knew all that, but when I saw it again....I still just freakin' LOVED it! No...it's not the funniest thing ever or the best written...but, for me, it WORKS! It gets to me just the way it did when I was 9. The funny parts are funny, the tense parts are tense, the poignant parts are genuinely poignant. I can very well appreciate now that Kaufman's performance...especially his character voice... might be very annoying to many people...though, to me, not as annoying as almost anything Jerry Lewis ever did...,but what truly saves Kaufman's performance is that it wasn't his trademarked, detached smartassery...it was a genuinely sincere characterization with zero winking at the camera. I think that that very quality may have contributed to the detriment of "Heartbeeps" because sweetness and sincerity are anathema to the accepted Kaufman persona. Regardless, both he and Bernadette Peters were wonderful in this film, as were Jack Carter as the voice of "Catskill" and...very weirdly...Jerry Garcia as the voice of "Phil". Try as I might, I simply cannot find what is SO terrible about "Heartbeeps". It made me happy as a child...and it makes me very happy now. Screw the haters.
Satan's Harvest (1970)
Page Summary by "alfiehitchie & tipsyheadrinse"
When his uncle is killed in a horrible animal attack, American detective Cutter Murdock arrives in South Africa to inherit his ranching empire. Murdock's Johannesburg homecoming begins with an unexpected bang as the Miami-based private eye steps off the plane and a shot rings out - a man standing nearby is killed. Another uncle, Craig, and his son Timothy, were passed over in the will but, in spite of this, have moved into the ranch. Cutter meets up with Marla Oaks, the daughter of an American game trapper and once again an attempt is made on his life. Soon afterward Cutter and his friend Bates are beaten up and left for dead at the bottom of a mine shaft. It turns out that Craig, Timothy and older brother Andrew are part of an international drug-smuggling outfit and the ranch Cutter has inherited is used to grow marijuana. This one makes "The Birds" look like "Citizen Kane." Written by alfiehitchie & tipsyheadrinse
The above is the official page summary, by "alfiehitchie & tipsyheadrinse". It's not a bad summary of this horrible movie, but....."This one makes "The Birds" look like "Citizen Kane".....Really?.......REALLY??? So,..."Satan's Harvest" makes a brilliant film by a brilliant director look like a brilliant film by a brilliant director???.....WHAT??? Note to "alfiehitchie & tipsyheadrinse": "The Birds" is a masterpiece and in NO WAY to be used as a comical low point for comparison to "Citizen Kane"....EVER!
Salome, Where She Danced (1945)
Reply To comment by "aberlour36"
"This is surely one of the worst films ever made and released by a major Hollywood studio. The plot is simply stupid. The dialog is written in clichés; you can complete a great many sentences in the script because of this. The acting is ridiculously bad, especially that of Rod Cameron. The "choreography" is silly and wholly unerotic. One can only pity the reviewer who saw 23-year-old Yvonne's dance as sexual; it's merely very bad choreography. The ballet scene in the film's beginning is especially ludicrous. If you are into bad movies and enjoy laughing at some of Hollywood's turkeys, this is for you. I bought the colorized version on VHS, making the movie even worse. Yvonne's heavy makeup, when colored, has her looking like a clown all the time. And she's the best part of this film. What a way to launch a career."
Above is the "review", such as it is, by aberlour36. If this commenter, and the word IS commenter...NOT commentator, wishes his or her comments to be taken seriously then they should have taken the simple, elementary trouble to discover that "Salome Where She Danced" was FILMED IN COLOR....Technicolor, to be exact. It was NOT computer colorized. I find it virtually impossible to have any respect or serious consideration for the "critical" and "artistic" opinions of someone who literally cannot tell the difference between a 40's Universal picture in Technicolor....some of the most intensely bright and gorgeous true Technicolor of all....and the visual horror that is computer colorization. If this glaring, visual fact is not readily apparent then this commenter's taste in general must be called into SERIOUS question. That I disagree with the review otherwise, goes without saying.
The Man Who Played God (1932)
A Response To A Comment By "Tpatbour"
Tpatbour - In your comment you stated that Bette Davis appeared in "B programmers" such as this before she graduated to "A pictures". She did, indeed, appear in many B films during her early years at Warner Bros. "The Man Who Played God", however, is NOT one of them. It is a George Arliss vehicle and it must be clearly understood that George Arliss did NOT make B films! Any Arliss film is unquestionably a prestigious A production. In the 20's and early 30's George Arliss was one of the biggest stars of stage and screen, not just in America, but in the world. You would do well to understand a bit more about the history of a given subject before you attempt to write about it. As for your opinion that this film is "no masterpiece", there are many who would disagree with you.
The Fashion Show: Mean Girls (2009)
Disgusting
I will always remember this episode because it is the one in which co-host Kelly Rowland was furious at, and blatantly inferred that contestant Angel Chang was racist simply because Ms. Chang did not know anything about Hip-Hop music. Naked, blatant, open reverse racism of the highest order, and she was never called on it in the media. One can only imagine the hue and cry if such a thing had been done by a white artist...."What?...You don't know the Viennese Waltz??? You must be racist!!!" I can only wonder if Ms. Rowland is fully acquainted with every genre of Asian music, and if not....does that make her a racist, as well? I'm still sick to my stomach whenever I think of it, and I can only say that the less one knows about Ms. Rowland or her "music", the better.
The Ladykillers (1955)
Brilliant....But....
A really brilliant film. Shockingly high in performance level, direction, writing, cinematography, etc., containing what is surely one of Alec Guiness's most perfect performances. The "But" comes with the character of "Mrs. Wilberforce". Katy Johnson plays her to perfection...as written. The trouble there is that...as written...Mrs. Wilberforce is supposed to be lovable and endearing. She is, however, NOT lovable and endearing, but hateful and annoying as all f*cking h*ll!!! No matter how many times I watch this, I never cease to want someone...ANYONE...to slit her throat or blow her brains out. I would derive great satisfaction from seeing this performed in graphic detail. If I were in the film I would gladly do it myself. I would giggle while I was doing it. I hate her....I hate her so much!
The Mafu Cage (1978)
I Can't Un-See It!
An insane woman serially kills her multiple pet apes, has sex with her sister, murders the sister's boyfriend, then the sister dies and everyone but the nut-job ends up buried in the back yard....the end. It is a criminal pity that such a cast - Grant, Olson, Geer, and especially the brilliant Kane should have been wasted in this dire, depressing, profoundly ugly little movie - who's "high point" is the unspeakably vicious, brutal beating death of a captive orangutan - which I deeply wish that I could scrape from my memory as one scrapes dog excrement from the sole of one's shoe. Anyone who could derive any entertainment or enjoyment from this could sit smiling through a snuff film. Utterly irredeemable trash to be avoided at all costs.
La luna (1979)
Bertolucci "Masturbating As Fast As He Can"
Oh, Goody. Yet another stunningly pretentious, loathsomely arty piece of Euro-dreck. What there is of a plot concerns Jill Clayburgh, ludicrously cast as a world famous opera singer, and Matthew Barry as her 14 year old heroin addict son and her attempts to get him off the smack by screwing his brains out. Undoubtedly, the most beautifully photographed soft-core incest porn you'll ever see....also the most deadly dull. You'll love the scene where Clayburgh rubs Barry's penis through his jeans, mmmmm....appetizing, no? Obviously an epic piece of whacking material for Bertolucci, but just because he wanted to screw his mother......did he have to make a movie about it? Spare me, Bernardo.
It's Alive (2009)
Oh, Joy......Another Moronic Remake
Abysmal remake of Larry Cohen's '74 genre classic. The original started like a bat out of hell and kept going from there. It had genuine excitement, scares, tension, a logical script, and characters that behaved like rational, real people. In this abortion of a remake we have a film that is painfully slow and unpleasant (for the wrong reasons), like a snail with diarrhea. It even manages to make the delivery room massacre a lifeless non-event....btw, blood is OPAQUE not TRANSPARENT. It looks like the walls have been hosed down with cherry jelly. Every single change from the original is for the worse. Why add Frank's little brother? He serves absolutely no purpose whatsoever in the screenplay. He has no effect on any of the events in the film and just mopes aimlessly....and what purpose does the character being in a wheelchair serve??? Stupid. In the original the baby escapes from the delivery room and both parents are scared shitless of it....like real people would be. Here, the baby.....who now only looks monstrous at the moment of attack....curls up on it's mother's incised belly and goes to sleep. Stupid. The new Lenore knows that the baby is a monster, but wuvs him so vewy, vewy much that she just covers up the killings. Even mother love only goes so far. Stupid. The baby never attacks when his father and young uncle are around to notice anything. Bad writing AND Stupid. Tiny Bijou Phillips is obviously supposed to have been able to lug multiple bodies down the cellar steps and hide them....all by herself. Stupid. Out of nowhere....and for no discernible reason other that that it's the climax of the movie and they wanted the house dark....the baby suddenly knows how to shut off the electricity in the house. How would it possibly know how to do this and why would it logically want to??? Stupid!!! The movie is only 80 mins., but I could continue pointing out tangible stupidities for days. The baby from the original had a great design and you actually got to SEE it. This is not the case here because the 2 second "good look" you get at the little bastard's face at the climax is rendered in such astonishingly horrid CG that if it had been shown earlier the audience would have hyperventilated from hysterical laughter and mercifully missed any more of the movie. Phillips' decent performance and a nice, but derivative score by Nicholas Pike are the only faint bright spots on this celluloid tumor. I am appalled that Larry Cohen so much as dotted an "i" in this screenplay. He should be mortally ashamed. This "It's Alive" was born dead and rotting.
The Object of My Affection (1998)
Homophobia On The "Cute"
Oh, Joy, joy......another film about a gay man who only needs the right woman to convert him. The scene in which Aniston's character SUCCEEDS in seducing Rudd's character is purposely geared to have the audience saying "See, I KNEW he didn't REALLY want to be gay. Now he'll be cured and they can live happily ever after!". The only thing that stops them actually having sex is A PHONE CALL! He doesn't stop it...it has to be a freaking phone call! What an epic cop-out! I'm sorry to burst your hetero female fantasy bubble, Ms. Wasserstein, but men who are actually gay DON'T.....even deep down....want to have sex with women....even if they're Jennifer Anniston. All the gay relationships in the film are depicted as horrible, shallow messes which further serves to egg the audience on in hoping that Rudd's character will be "converted" by Anniston's because he'd be so much happier with her if he could only see. That makes me so angry I could vomit! It makes no difference that he ends up with a guy at the end. The point of the script is that he COULD have been converted. This is homophobia, pure and simple and no less sickening than that to be found in a Klan meeting or a Baptist church. I....HATE....THIS....MOVIE!
Don't Look Now (1973)
God Save Us From An "Artiste"
Epically pretentious, maddeningly incoherent mangling of Daphne DuMaurier's excellent short story. Beautiful to look at with very good performances all around and a characteristically wonderful score by Pino Donaggio. All of this is squandered by director Roeg in his sadistic quest to screw the audience out of any explanation whatsoever. There are characters, subplots, and countless shots of ordinary objects and places that seem to be heavy with portent, yet are utterly pointless and without meaning....the "Why the hell is it there" mini-porn being a prime example. The editing is not simply non-linear, it is purposely disorienting. I find it quite strange that films which are by accident incoherent viewed as bad, while films that are incoherent by design - "2001", "Blow Up" anyone? - are somehow works of genius. I'll never understand how a film stubbornly refusing to explain itself is a good thing. "Don't Look Now" is, in the end, nothing more than Nicolas Roeg masturbating to his own "genius" for two hours. I hope it was at least good for him.
Unearthed (2007)
Inkslug Indeed
Re: The "review" by inkslug
"Unearthed" is not better than other reviewers would have you believe. It's worse. It's a piece of offal and that's all the comment it deserves.
FYI, Ray Harryhausen is an acknowledged genius and his special effects for the original "Jason And The Argonauts" are some of the most brilliant in the history of film. Your epically stupid, staggeringly wrong statement regarding them is a frightening insight into your profound and heartbreaking lack of taste. Stick to things like "Unearthed" and don't bother with genuinely great films like "Jason And The Argonauts". It's clearly pearls before swine and you only embarrass yourself. I know I'm embarrassed for you.
Blow-Up (1966)
Empty, Arty Bore
This film is from that period in the 60's when any director with an "I" at the end of his name was automatically considered a genius. I have seen "Blowup" multiple times in an attempt to somehow see what all the fuss was about, and have never been able to see anything there except what IS there....a self-consciously ARTY exercise in "STYLE". Such a pity, there's a very nice mystery idea here buried by the artiness and all but ignored by the direction which seems to have a contempt for the very idea of a "plot", as if that was some crass "American" invention. It may be crass, but I'll take real entertainment over artsy pretension anytime. Brian De Palma did a riveting, intelligent, and genuinely entertaining take on this "story" in his 1981 "Blowout". A film every bit as artistically relevant and one which actually didn't consider entertainment value a flaw. Antonioni definitely has a place as lyric from a song in "Hair", but as director the "Art-Farts" are welcome to keep him. God save us from "great films".
Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993)
What The Hell Happened To Mel Brooks???
I can scarcely believe that the same man...the same Genius...that directed "The Producers", "Young Frankenstein", and "Blazing Saddles" can possibly be the perpetrator of this...this...ABORTION! The aforementioned are some of the most profoundly hysterical films ever made by anyone. "High Anxiety" and "History Of The World: Part 1" weren't on that level, but were still exceptionally funny for the most part. I really, really liked his remake of Lubitsch's "To Be Or Not To Be" even though there was a much cruder edge. It was a step back up. I knew something had really changed, though, when I first saw "Spaceballs". For every joke that worked...and many still did...there were at least 4 or 5 that didn't. Then came the horrendous "Life Stinks" and I knew the downhill slide was rapidly accelerating, but until I saw "Robin Hood: Men In Tights" I hadn't realized how far he had fallen. Even going into it with low expectations I was flabbergasted. The "jokes" fly fast and furious, but they are so juvenile, so infantile as to be deeply embarrassing. I can't imagine that adults...actual grown people are supposed to find this funny. The abysmal puns and snickering smut jokes I would've laughed at when I was 5 or 6, but would've already been cringing at by the time I was 9. Knock-knock jokes are on a higher plane than this excrement. It's almost as if Brooks actually sat down and purposely collected the tiredest, lamest, most moronic, most cretinous, and just simply the WORST jokes he possibly could. It's almost as if he actually set out to make a bad movie. I can't think of any other explanation unless the man has just plainly and simply lost every shred, every vestige of his once mammoth talent. Loathe as I am to say it, but this seems to me the case. I have never seen "Dracula: Dead And Loving It", but if it's as bad as this...or even worse as per the trend I never want to, and I most definitely never want to sit through this sad, sorry excuse for a Mel Brooks film EVER AGAIN! Sad, sad, sad.
Blood Tide (1982)
Rather well done
It's not "Citizen Kane", but what do these people want?!?!? As a B Horror flick it's a good bit above average, and nowhere near the disaster that most of the comments here would have you believe. Yes, it does have a leisurely pace as did most films before MTV quick cutting became the norm and audience attention spans dropped to 1.5 seconds. The cinematography, especially the underwater work, is gorgeous, the direction is competent, and for the most part the performances are quite good. James Earl Jones is obviously enjoying himself, and Oscar winners Jose Ferrer and Lila Kedrova contribute very solid work. The young ladies- Mary Louise Weller, Deborah Shelton, and Lydia Cornell- are all lovely and quite satisfactory in their performances. Martin Kove isn't going to win any awards, but he's so nearly naked through most of the film and so sweatily gorgeous that his talent is a minor consideration. The creature, though sadly little seen, is decently designed and not at all bad for a film of this budget. The script is certainly not original, but goes about it's business quite competently. All in all, "Blood Tide" has something about it that I really enjoy. I've seen many, MANY worse horror films and it's head and shoulders above sick torture porn like "Hostel".
Boeing, Boeing (1965)
Simply Painful
A prime example of cookie-cutter 60's sex comedy. Tired, banal, limp, lukewarm, strenuously forced drivel who's only source of real humor is the wonderful Thelma Ritter, and the laughs she gets come much more from her persona than from the dry well of the script she had to work with. Curtis tries, but his efforts are in vain. Lewis is actually quite good in a very restrained performance, which is a shame in that it's wasted in this wasteland. None of the characters, save Ritter's, behave in a fashion even beginning to resemble a human being, let alone an intelligent human being. The resulting "humor" is numbingly artificial and contrived. In an outlandish situation genuine humor comes from realistic reactions and behavior. Something you need not expect from the cartoons that populate this sad, inane excuse for comedy.
Where It's At (1969)
Just Sad
I can only believe that Garson Kanin must have been two people. The one who wrote the brilliant "A Double Life" and the funny "Born Yesterday" and co-wrote such excellent screenplays as "Adam's Rib" and "Pat And Mike" with his wife Ruth Gordon and then the one who wrote and/or directed such tiresome, sad drivel as "Bachelor Mother", "Some Kind Of A Nut", and this. The cast tries, but the script is so tired and clichéd that even the efforts of the always wonderful Brenda Vaccaro are defeated. The script sinks to it's nadir in the truly offensive sequence in which Janssen's character tests Drivas's character to make sure he's not gay. An ugly sequence, but sadly one which could easily play in a film today. "Ethnic" jokes are now totally verboten, but "fag" jokes are still "good, clean, family fun".
The Happy Prince (1974)
The Best Oscar Wilde On Film
This exquisite 1974 adaptation of Oscar Wilde's "The Happy Prince" is not only virtually word for word with Wilde's magnificent narrative, but also one of the single most beautiful, most transcendent, most profoundly affecting and poignant filmic experiences I have ever known. Ron Goodwin's beautiful score is the ultimate enrichment, especially the song which I would guess to be called "There Is No Justice In Poverty". The vocal performances of Christopher Plummer and Glynis Johns are in my opinion the most profoundly lovely and beautifully nuanced of any in the history of animation. A story of deep compassion and shattering self-sacrifice in a presentation that will never be equaled. The full retention of Wilde's deeply religious ending is satisfying and beautiful beyond my ability to express. I am not ashamed to say that I sob like a child at the film's end, and I can only hope that everyone who sees it would have the privilege of feeling this same depth of emotion."It is not to Egypt I go......"
Silver Bullet (1985)
Shining Silver
While this adaptation of Stephen King's novella/graphic novel is certainly flawed it is, when it truly keeps to the spirit of King's writing, one of the best adaptation's of his work to the screen. It's almost as if two films were combined into one...the first being very good, the second being very mediocre. It's a rather jarring combination, but no matter how bad some scenes are (and there are some REALLY bad ones...witness the bereft father's unintentionally funny hysterics and the Reverand's hilariously filmed nightmare) the scenes that work REALLY work! There are OBVIOUSLY many non actors in the cast...extras recruited from in and around Burgaw/Wilmington NC where it was filmed. I come from NC and readily recognize the accent of the people, and the look of the place down to road signs that probably shouldn't have made it on camera since this is supposed to be New England. The only notable members of the supporting cast are Terry O'Quinn as the harassed and unfortunate sheriff, and a baseball bat-toting Lawrence Tierney, who is excellent in what little he has to do. The main cast is wonderful, and truly suited to their characters. Busey, Haim, Followes, and McGill all give exemplary performances, and all simply "feel" like King. His readers will know what I mean. The special effects are decent. Some, such as the hair growing longer and shorter on The Reverand's arm are very well accomplished, however the full werewolf makeup with the head by effects wizard Carlo Rambaldi(E.T., Close Encounters, etc.) is less than convincing owing to the head, which is beautifully mechanized, being so large and out of proportion to the body in size. McGill is the one under the makeup, though stunt men would've obviously been required for some scenes, and he does a very nice job, but even so the head seems top-heavy and is distractingly "too big". However, when it works it does so to an amazing degree. The general atmosphere of fear and paranoia are palpable. The scenes in the greenhouse, the ruined covered bridge, and Marty's first sighting of the werewolf are beautifully done, as are the opening scene of the railroad worker meeting his demise at the claws of the werewolf and the sheriff meeting his at the BASEBALL BAT of said werewolf. For whatever flaws the film has, and they are numerous, the climax makes up for them all. Beautifully filmed, edited, and performed...it is electrifying. I defy anyone to not scream when the werewolf bursts through the solid brick wall OPPOSITE the place everyone is looking, and the ensuing fight between Busey's Uncle Red and the monster, and Haim's struggle to retrieve the "silver bullet" from the heating duct are truly thrilling. Adding greatly to the film is the excellent score by Jay Chattaway(Star Trek Voyager). Terrifying when it needs to be it also contains a beautiful, flowing main theme which is given lyrics and performed as the song "Joyride" over the closing credits by Rob Mathes. A very mixed bag of a film, but one which succeeds admirably in spite of itself.
The Barretts of Wimpole Street (1957)
Truly beautiful
Sidney Franklin's 1957 remake of his own 1934 "The Barretts Of Wimpole Street" is virtually perfect and stands head and shoulders above the original which is a very good, very enjoyable film, but which is also extremely saccharin in tone. A fault which this version never falls prey to. Thanks to the talents of all involved especially those of the excellent Jennifer Jones and the genius John Gielgud this version succeeds almost supernaturally in being amazingly affecting without even a hint of the maudlin.
The true story of the material is undoubtedly one of the greatest love stories in human memory, and the depth and wonder of that is ably conveyed here. We not only love to see love triumph, but also to see evil defeated. I have rarely been so satisfied on that account by any film as this one. The defeat and humiliation of John Gielgud's tyrannical, incestuous Mr. Barrett is exquisitely portrayed.
Both Jones and Gielgud should have received Academy Awards. Compare the two versions and see for yourself.