From Far & Wide, From High & Low Vol 22

Daniel THE PHANTOM Knauf created this briefly popular supernatural drama for HBO who assigned Ronald Moore the lion's share of creative control based on a string of prior high profile successes including STAR TREK: VOYAGER. During it's 24 episode, 2 season run CARNIVALE earned 15 Emmy nominations & won 5 technical awards the year of it's debut. After Moore's departure to launch BATTLESTAR GALACTICA Knauf assumed the mantle of show-runner and ratings collapsed forcing the network to cancel the expensive series despite the protests of it's loyal fanbase. Troubled actor Nick TERMINATOR 3: RISE OF THE MACHINES Stahl starred as Ben Hawkins; a mysterious young man with terrifying supernatural powers who joins a Carnival caravan during the Dirty Thirties. Ben has apocalyptic visions centered on rising radio star Brother Justin Crowe who is a creature not unlike himself. In a brief introduction by Michael TWIN PEAKS Anderson we learn that into each generation is born an avatar of light & dark who will war for dominion of the Earth. Crowe was played by HIGHLANDER actor Clancy Brown and the two leads are endlessly fascinating as their respective story arcs carefully bring the pair together for a climactic duel to the death in the show's finale. Along the way we're introduced to a host of characters essayed beautifully by a large international cast including Patrick PHENOMONON Bauchau , Clea AMERICAN HORROR STORY: ASYLUM Duvall, Adrienne MAUDE Barbeau, Amy PENNY DREADFUL: CITY OF ANGELS Madigan, Linda DUNE Hunt, Tim PARTY OF FIVE DeKay & Ralph THE WALTONS Waite. Throughout the run of the show attention was lavished on period detail which lent every eerie episode an air of authenticity. I only wish as much love was poured into the special effects which weren't nearly as convincing & frequently undermined the scares the writers & cast worked so hard to convey. It's a strange & unique viewing experience that will demand & command your attention in equal measure and comes highly recommended despite an unresolved cliff-hanger guaranteed to break your heart a little and leave you wanting more.

THE KEEP was based on the popular novel of the same name by F. Paul Wilson who despised Michael MANHUNTER Mann's glossy adaption while the director blamed the movies critical & commercial failure on the source material. I wasn't a huge fan of either. Jurgen TWIN PEAKS: FIRE WALK WITH ME Proshnow plays a German officer stationed at a Romanian fortress called THE KEEP who's at a loss to explain the seemingly supernatural force claiming the lives of his invading soldiers. To get to the bottom of the mystery, he summons Dr. Cuza & his lovely daughter Eva from the concentration camps (neither looking any worse for wear) to assist in translating a message found scrawled in blood at the site of the killings. The old man (Ian CATS McKellen) discovers a scary entity trapped in the ancient fortification which promises to kill every Nazi in exchange for his freedom. The monster played by Michael ONE MAN'S WAR Carter looked a little like Darkseid from the DC comics visually although it's roots lay closer to THE GOLEM and DRACULA. Molasar is it's name; Rasalom in the book reminding me of the Dracula/Alucard name switcheroo which is a well known cliche within the genre just as Cuza's transformation into Molasar's Renfield-like human henchman is par for the course. Against his daughter's objections, Cuza attempts to free the beast by removing a crucifix-like artifact which holds him there as a prisoner. Smart Girl! Eva (Canadian actress Alberta LA FEM NIKITA Watson) knows Molasar's up to no good and that only an eternal warrior played by Scott THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS Glenn has the magical power necessary to avert the apocalypse should Molasar escape. Paramount ruthlessly slashed Mann's original 130 minute cut down to 96 after preview audiences said they hated it & refused to shell out any more cash to complete the special effects. Mann had to settle for some striking smoke & light effects and an obnoxious synth soundtrack from Tangerine Dream to help plug the holes in his multi million dollar sinking ship. THE KEEP has a glib, music video quality that's eye catching but not in the least bit scary. Wilson wrote 3 direct sequels (Reborn, Reprisal & The Night World) which incorporated elements & characters from his earlier best-sellers The Tomb & The Touch none of which I'd recommend.

THE GOODBYE GIRL was the 7th of 11 collaborations between legendary producer Ray FUNNY GIRL Stark and play write Neil Simon & the 1st of 5 movies the popular author filmed with real-life wife Marsha AUDREY ROSE Mason. Mason (who's nowhere's near as good an actor as co-star Dreyfuss) attacks the part of a recently dumped single mom with enthusiasm but I didn't find her or her performance especially appealing. She & her daughter are forced to allow Richard JAWS Dreyfuss' character into their New York apartment when it's revealed Paula's ex sublet the space to the actor who's in town doing a gay version of Richard III off boadway. The decades have been kind to this quippy, witty, feather-light romantic comedy from director Herbert FUNNY LADY Ross. FAMILY actress Quinn Cummings shines bright as Lucy; Paula's wise-beyond-her-years daughter who is immediately won over by the charming actor and received an Academy award nomination for her film debut. The leads have an undeniable chemistry that connected powerfully with audiences making THE GOODBYE GIRL one of the top grossing pictures of 1977 after STAR WARS and SMOKEY & THE BANDIT. Both earned Oscar nominations but it was Dreyfuss who took home the statuette beating Best Actor nominee Woody Allen for his work on ANNIE HALL. Stark & Simon (who also lost in the categories of Best Film & Best Screenplay) worked with Dreyfuss again in 1993's critically acclaimed LOST IN YONKERS. David Gates chart-topping single drawn from the film's title got shafted on Oscar night failing to even get nominated and truthfully his song was my favorite part of the movie. An unproduced sequel called Mr. Famous failed to find a studio backer and a slightly toned down TV movie remake starring Patricia Heaton & Jeff Daniels aired in 2004. It's my second favorite romantic comedy after SID & NANCY.

Where do I begin to tell the story of how great a love can be? The sweet love story that is older than the sea, the simple truth about the love she brings to me...She fills my heaaarrt! Now sing it just like Gary Oldman would channeling The Sex Pistols Sid Vicious and you have arrived at your destination. SID AND NANCY tells the mostly true story of punk icons Sid Vicious and his schizophrenic, American girlfriend Nancy Spungen who collide like particles of anti-matter; obliterating social mores, reason & even reality during their heroin fueled death spiral courtesy of cult film-maker Alex REPO MAN Cox and a little (forgivable) dramatic license. It's hard to say if Gary DARKEST HOUR Oldman and Chloe SHAMELESS Webb are actually any good because their performances are so extreme! Webb especially; as Nancy who hysterically screams much her dialogue like she's on the phone to 9-1-1. Oldman (who knows a thing or two about co-dependence & addiction IRL) later went on record denouncing his work on the film which was co-written by Cox and Abel ROADSIDE PROPHETS Wool yet, for the life of me I can't imagine anyone else in the role! Somehow they manage to keep their harrowing, disastrous love story accessible and occasionally even laugh-out-loud funny on their relentless march towards mutually assured, drug addicted self destruction. Cox captures the look, feel & sound of the punk movement and can mosh in the pits with the best of 'em. Look for Courtney STRAIGHT TO HELL Love, Iggy ROCK AND RULE Pop & Kathy ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS Burke in colorful supporting roles.

While watching REPO! THE GENETIC OPERA my pussy clamped so tightly shut I couldn't pee for 3 days and nearly died. Torture-porn director Darren Lynn Bausman (SAW II, SAW III, SAW ad nauseum) is the man who directed this DOG based on a lousy 10 minute 'musical' called The Necromerchant's Debt that played in somebody's backyard back in 2000. The horrible show was expanded and performed in empty experimental theatres courtesy of writers Terrance Zdunich & Darren Smith who later denied plagiarizing a short story published by Eric Garcia in 1997. Garcia's story was also expanded to novel-length as The Repossession Mambo and sold to Universal about the same time Lion's Gate agreed to distribute REPO! THE GENETIC OPERA provided the director pay for it himself. The thematically identical flicks BOMBED spectacularly with REPO MEN earning back 18 million of it's 32 million dollar budget while Lion's Gate buried their ugly musical version in a handful of North American theatres before pulling the distribution plug after only a few days. Even IF Universal's REPO MEN hadn't flopped they probably wouldn't have made too much of a fuss over the similarities to Lion's Gate's knock off because it was so insignificant and unpopular. BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER's Anthony Stewart Head plays a 'repo man' for GeneCo who lease organs to those in need. Failure to pay your bill contractually entitles the greedy corporation to cut your guts out. The ballyhooed score is an artless, ear-splitting monotonous mess with each tune crashing loudly into the next like a pile up on the interstate. Co-star Paris HOUSE OF WAX Hilton nabbed another Razzie award for her participation in this pretentious garbage. Plans for a sequel were immediately scrapped never to be mentioned again although Bausman & Zdunich would attempt (and FAIL!) once more to tap into the cult film market with the equally cheap and atrocious THE DEVIL'S CARNIVAL in 2012. Makes The Asylum's HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3 sound like OKLAHOMA! by comparison.

In 1990 the Library of Congress announced THE GODFATHER would be preserved in the National Film Registry for it's aesthetic, historic and cultural significance. What took so long, is what I want to know?! This ESSENTIAL viewing experience opened to universal praise becoming the top grossing movie at the time of it's release & earned an astonishing 11 Academy Award nominations for the following categories; Best Director, 3 for Best Supporting Actor (James Caan, Al Pachino & Robert Duvall), Best Costume Design, Best Film Editing, Best Sound, Best Original Dramatic Score & won for Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Actor (Marlon Brando) & Best Picture. The Oscar nod granted to Nino Roca for Best Original Dramatic Score was revoked on a technicality however he would get to keep a statuette for his extraordinary musical compositions for THE GODFATHER PART II. Marlon SUPERMAN II: THE RICHARD DONNER CUT Brando gives the performance of a lifetime as Don Vito Corleone; an aging mob boss defending his family & interests against a crime syndicate in post WWII New York along with his sons Sonny (Caan) & Micheal (Pacino) and their trusted lawyer; Tom Hagan (Duval). Diane LOOKING FOR MR GOODBAR Keaton played Kay, Michaels 2nd wife. The pair became lovers IRL during filming and remained a couple until 1990. Don Corleone's only daughter Connie (Talia PROPHECY Shire) is trapped in an abusive marriage to the treacherous Carlo (Gianni LASERBLAST Russo). Their lives play out in operatic fashion under the artful hand of director Francis Ford Coppola who also wrote the screenplay with Mario Puzo; the author of the all-time best-selling novel on which the film was based. They've loaded THE GODFATHER with more classic scenes & quotable dialogue than can be counted on your fingers & toes. The run time of 3 hours allowed as much of the magnificent novel as possible to make it to the screen but you're probably going to want to see THE GODFATHER SAGA which clocks in at nearly 7 and 1/2 & incorporated Parts I-II and the footage that had to be trimmed for their theatrical release. Endlessly influential even decades later. Followed by an equally masterful sequel in 1974.

THE GODFATHER PART II delves into the origin of the Corleone family from the start of the 20th century when 9 year old Vito Andolini (Marlon Brando's legendary character in THE GODFATHER) survives the hit put out on his family by an Italian gangster named Cicci (Joe MANIAC Spinnell). The boy flees to New York hiding his identity with a new surname promising to return to Italy one day to have his revenge. The boy grows into a man doing whatever is necessary to ensure his own family survives. Robert THE KING OF COMEDY de Niro steps into the part of Vito Corleone with authority earning an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor for his unforgettable performance. When his own criminal activities begin to blossom his life and livelihood are threatened by the local mob boss Fannuci (Gaston THE SICILIAN CHECKMATE Moshin). Vito makes Fannuci 'an offer he can't refuse' paving the bloody road to his own ascension to the Don of the most powerful crime syndicate in New York; an honor he would one day share with his son; Michael. Michael's life unfolds in juxtaposition to his father's humble beginnings in this brilliantly directed film which serves as a prequel & sequel to Francis Ford Coppola's beloved masterpiece THE GODFATHER. After Vito's death, Michael (Al SCARFACE Pacino) is himself targeted for assassination by someone within his inner circle who is in cahoots with a rival gangster named Roth (Lee GOING IN STYLE Strasberg). The young Don's investigation into the betrayal draws him into international political intrigues (circa 1960) and much closer to home than anticipated when Michael realizes his own wife Kay (Diane THE FIRST WIVES CLUB Keaton) is a greater threat to the Corleone family than he could ever imagine. Other characters adding fuel to this white hot crime drama include the family enforcer Clemenza (Played this time by B. GOOD MORNING, VIETNAM Kirby, Jr.), lawyer Tom Hagen (Robert DEEP IMPACT Duvall), Michael's siblings Fredo (John THE DEER HUNTER Cazale) & his sister Connie (Talia ROCKY Shire) and a treacherous rival for Michael's empire named Pentangeli. Michael COOKIE Gazzo received an Oscar nomination for his interpretation of Pentangeli while THE GODFATHER PART II earned a whopping 11 in total. Shire & Strasberg also earned Best Supporting Actress/Actor nominations while de Nire took top honors for his majestic work. The unerring attention to period detail resulted in an Oscar nod for Best Costume Design and another win for Best Art Direction. Composers Nico Roto & Carmine Coppola (Talia Shire & Francis Ford Coppola's dad) won for Best Score while Pacino would have to wait till 1993s SCENT OF A WOMAN to claim a statuette as Best Actor. Francis Ford Coppola took home the gold for Best Director and for Best Adapted Screenplay which he shared with Mario EARTHQUAKE Puzo. THE GODFATHER PART II also took home the honor for Best Picture in direct competition with Coppola's excellent thriller; THE CONVERSATION. This ESSENTIAL viewing experience was selected for preservation by The Library of Congress into the National Film Registry in 1993 for it's cultural, aesthetic & historic importance. Followed by THE GODFATHER PART III.

Before I begin, let's talk about viruses for a moment, shall we? They are (figuratively & literally speaking) on the tip of everybody's tongue these days so the timing is right. Here we go...I'm not afraid of microbial life. Our bodies are made of retrovirus down to a genetic level. Microbes live in us on us and all around us in numbers which are difficult to articulate. We spend our days moving through them like fish swimming through the sea. Five miles below our feet they exist in the strata of rock to such a degree they outweigh us as a species. Contrary to what you may have heard in the fake news press microbes are the bringers of life and more to the point; a building block of life. Outside of strict laboratory conditions we as a species have absolutely no control over them in any way shape or form. And that's okay because even with over 100,000 plus variants on the go which are infectious to our species cell phone sales are at a record high so let's just all calm down because it's not the end of the world. Unless you're a character in Danny SUNSHINE Boyle's apocalyptic thriller 28 DAYS LATER. A man-made virus which spreads like wildfire escapes from a lab in Great Britain after tree-hugging environmentalists breach security to free the chimps being used as test subjects. The infection immediately transforms those it comes into contact with into murderously insane, powerful & fast-moving rage zombies with no antidote in sight. 28 DAYS LATER, Cillian THE DARK NIGHT Murphy's character Jim awakens from a coma and staggers out of the deserted hospital into the bleak empty streets of London eventually hooking up with fellow survivors Mark (Noah DRACULA UNTOLD Huntley), Selena (Naomi MOONLIGHT Harris), Hannah (Magan LIAM Burns) and Frank (Brian BREAKFAST ON PLUTO Gleeson). Before the fall of civilization the last communications received encouraged anyone left to make their way to a safe house only what the group find there is almost as deadly as the zombie infested streets they left behind. General West (Christopher THOR: THE DARK WORLD Eccleston) has lured survivors to his fortified estate to use women as sex slaves to repopulate the earth and anyone who says otherwise is subject to summary military execution. Jim believes Great Britain has been quarantined and makes a desperate break for freedom along with Hannah & Selena hoping to avoid slavery under the despotic rule of Major West. 28 DAYS LATER was the surprise horror hit of 2002 and rates along such genre favorites as George Romero's DAY OF THE DEAD or the North Korean zombie classic TRAIN TO BUSAN. This beautifully acted & solidly produced film resonates with strength even today and was followed by the equally important 28 WEEKS LATER in 2007.

With Danny Boyle & Alex Garland otherwise engaged with shooting SUNSHINE, the responsibility fell to Spanish director Juan Carlos Fresnadillo & writer Enrique Lopez Lavine to helm this sequel to the 2002 hit 28 DAYS LATER. Both made a solid impression with Boyle for their cultish film debut; INTACTO. The Rage Virus which decimated the population of Great Britain appears to be contained. The infected slaughtered anything that moved and are now mostly dead themselves 28 WEEKS LATER from starvation. A military presence led by AVENGERS: ENDGAME actor Jeremy Renner & scientists monitoring the situation closely begin to slowly repopulate London with shell-shocked survivors. One of those survivors is a man named Don (Robert T2: TRAINSPOTTING Carlyle); a remorseful father who after watching his wife Alice fall to the horde has been left to raise their children alone. Tammy (Imogen BLACK CHRISTMAS Poots) & her brother Andy (Mackintosh THE MAN IN THE MIST Muggleton) break quarantine to return to their family home looking for mementoes and are astonished to find their mother alive but semi-catatonic. Under military escort the family is reunited and placed under observation by a virologist (Rose INSIDEOUS: THE LAST KEY Byrne) who believes something within their genetic makeup offers the world hope of finding a cure. Alice (Catherine SHADOW OF THE VAMPIRE McCormack) is in fact immune to the disease as are her children who have never been exposed directly but her husband Don is not. By the time it's discovered Alice has Rage Virus gestating in her blood it's too late as Don has already made contact and doomed every man woman and child inside the safe zone. 28 WEEKS LATER moves even faster than those ferocious gut-munching rage zombies and is easily on par with the original. The special effects are first rate despite the smallish budget. You'd never believe it only cost 15 million to make considering the horrific spectacle unfolding on screen. This is George A. Romero calibre work from start to bitter end. Highly recommended.

Dr. Bill Cosby is the single greatest living educator, entertainer & human right leader in the world today & THE COSBY SHOW is but one of his crowning achievements. It is a monument the fake news Taliban has been trying to destroy just as they've tried to erase sculptures & art depicting the rich historic landscape of what America was. Around the free world our monuments are falling as are the heroes who inspired them; tried & convicted in kangaroo cancel culture courts & summarily sentenced to public 'execution'. It's a testament to the excellence of THE COSBY SHOW that it has survived the scorched earth assault on the character of the man who was the creative force behind the scenes and in front of the camera as the star of this all time classic comedy; Dr. Cosby. As for the accusations made in recent years they are completely false. And that's not based on personal opinion but on evidence. Let's take a look. Canadian Andrea Constand contacted a civil lawyer regarding a case she wished to file against Cosby & subsequently made differing statements to police on both sides of the border in Jan 2005 concerning an alleged drugging and misdemeanor assault from at least a year prior. She stated Cosby was her mentor and that she, as a lesbian, had no interest in him sexually but that he drugged her and while she lay there unable to speak or move was molested. The drug was an over the counter cough medicine offered to her as a guest in his home at a rather minimal dosage,,,1 1/2 tablets of Benadryl which is less than the recommended dosage for children aged 6-11. Constand (who resembles Howard Stern) was a basketball coach at Temple University at the time not a child. She chose not to pursue a claim against the makers of Benadryl because that's not whose cash she was after. Troubling facts began to emerge as police investigated her changing stories which Cosby correctly identified as a shakedown attempt. Why did Andrea continue to date Dr. Cosby after she says he drugged and molested her? She met him at hotel rooms bringing gifts or at his home and even arranged to meet with him while he toured. Police discovered Andrea asked Cosby for tickets to his live performance so that she could introduce him to her parents. Cell phone records obtained proved Andrea peppered her 'attacker' with calls on Valentine's Day. More revealing still was the fact Ms. Constand was dating another black businessman concurrently to Dr. Cosby who she hoped to convince to invest in a company she wished to launch. Funny thing for a lesbian to do; making fish lips to older black men on Valentine's Day. I won't bore you with the details any further other than to say Constand's criminal complaint was not pursued by police and rightly so. The damage to Dr. Cosby's reputation was magnified when other women came forward alleging claims identical to Constand's fictitious chronicle of events sparking a public relations nightmare for the actor. In a tactical move, Cosby's legal team caved to his former friend who revealed herself to be both a sexual predator & extortionist. Constand (who should have been locked up for her criminal activities) instead was paid handsomely to get out and stay out the actors life forever. Buuuut, the cat came back! She wouldn't stay away! She was back on his porch the very next day! More than a day but Dr. Cosby's ordeal was just beginning thanks to socialist media, fake news and a corrupt lawyer who knew how to manipulate both to her advantage. In December of 2014 Gloria Allred held a press conference demanding Dr. Cosby turn over one hundred million dollars to the women (herself receiving the bulk of the settlement contractually). Allred had agreed to represent exactly one of the women in court. Her name was Judy Huth. The other women subsequently trotted out for public display were signed to sponsorship agreements with Allred. The sponsorship deals included waivers attached stating that under no circumstance would Allred or her law firm represent any of the women she was actively recruiting in a court of law. Instead of being immediately disbarred Allred would prosper for her publicity stunts while assassinating the character of Dr. Cosby who was branded a 'rapist' in headlines around the world despite the fact he'd never been charged with that crime. To this day no physical evidence exists proving Dr. Cosby committed any crime against any of his accusers each of whom profited from their false accusations. Accusers Chloe Goins & Cindra Ladd were paid $50,000.00 each for their false accusations. Others like Janice Dickenson, Jewel Allison & Beverly Johnson scored book deals worth in excess of a million dollars. I have personally seen paychecks networks like NBC handed out to folks like Sammie Mays in exchange for their vicious gossip. Every time a teary-eyed accuser like Lili Bernard spoke to the complicit press holding up a photograph of herself she was paid thousands of dollars by her sponsor. It's a sleazy loophole that allowed the women to rake in cash under the table while maintaining they gained nothing from the accusations themselves. Elaborate timelines were constructed based on the lies being reported and backdated to brand Dr. Cosby a serial rapist. The vast majority of the accusation made were back dated decades and didn't exist prior to Dec 2014. Prior to Andrea Constant's civil court shakedown in 2005 none existed. That's where the timeline really begins not in the 1960s and I can prove it. The urban legend behind the false timeline used to tar and feather Cosby simply isn't possible. The BIG LIE that 'everybody in Hollywood knew' is stopped dead in it's tracks by anyone capable of looking away from the tabloid headlines & reading a history book...assuming history books haven't been burned & still exist. Dr. Cosby became the 1st black man to star in a network series; I SPY in 1965. His celebrity became a flash point of controversy and his solidarity with human rights icons like Martin Luther King, Jr. made him a threat. Cosby's telephones were tapped & he was closely monitored by the secret service who considered his pro-black politics subversive and a threat to the nation. The scrutiny intensified with the election of Richard Nixon who put Cosby on a list of 'the enemies' where he remained for years. If 'everyone in Hollywood knew' how was it exactly that the secret service who had the actor under surveillance didn't? The biggest lie of all emerged directly because of Constand who was in cahoots with (or friends of lol) many of the woman leading the me too charge. The lie has been told and retold for years & is the lock on the prison cell door behind which Dr. Cosby resides today. The lie which I know you've heard a thousand times goes as follows; Dr. Cosby admitted to drugging and raping women. The fake news may have water-boarded you with headlines & brainwashed you into believing it but the lie goes away the minute you ask yourself; IF Cosby admitted to drugging and raping women under sworn testimony in a court of law why was he not charged with a crime then and there? Cosby never admitted to drugging or raping anyone is the correct answer and the proof of that is the deposition. All you need to do is read the deposition for yourself to know that's right. In April of 2016 the blind, 80 year old human rights leader who had never so much as received a parking ticket in his adult life was sentenced to 10 years in prison for the misdemeanors alleged by Andrea Constand. Famed lawyer Tom Mesereau who represented Cosby described the trial as the most unfair he'd ever seen. It was a kangaroo court. The legality of the case even being heard was a concern but nothing about the trial was legit straight down to a ringer permitted to sit in the jury box who was a personal friend and neighbor to Judge Steven O'Neil's courtroom staff. O'Neil (who's wife is a me too spokesperson) branded Cosby a dangerous offender based on the instantly disprovable timeline and made an admission of guilt and an expression of remorse prerequisite to his early release. Such an admission will never be made. Dr. Cosby is a political prisoner and will serve his sentence just as Nelson Mandela did before him. It's the strength of character and his insistence on truth that makes THE COSBY SHOW so powerful. The top-rated series resonates with love and good humor & typifies Cosby's respect for all men & women regardless of ethnicity, nationality or age. The long running sit-com demolished the racial stereotypes our politicians and socialist media are rapidly rebuilding today. That alone makes this ground-breaking, historic landmark in the world of entertainment ESSENTIAL viewing despit what you may have heard to the contrary. Dr Cosby was freed today and in a public statement his lawyer all but quoted in part what's written here. I like a man who knows his history!

Martial arts movies can be unpredictable & outrageous enough on their own strengths or weaknesses but once they incorporate supernatural elements into the mix you can kiss logic goodbye and just hope for the best. KUNG FU ZOMBIE VS TIGERKRALLE (aka: TIGER LOVE) was directed by Kuang THE CROCODILE MEN Hui under the name Kahn Young. As to who wrote it is anyone's guess as my copy doesn't list one in the credits & I wasn't interested enough to look it up. Maybe he's ashamed? Chin SNAKE SHADOW LAMA FIST Hu plays a woman whose brutal father attempts to force her into marrying her cousin while driving the love of her life from the village. Depressed at the thought of incest & saddled with a baby she attempts suicide by jumping off the roof but magically survives and flees into the wilderness. While on the run she accidentally pisses on a tiger while having a squat and by doing so gains a telepathic bond with the animal. The tiger thereafter becomes her greatest ally and protector helping to raise her bastard son. The middle part of the pic focusing on the growing boys shenanigans will have you reaching for the fast forward button on your remote but once he's grown into hot Indonesian actor Lieh LIFE IS CHEAP BUT TOILET PAPER IS EXPENSIVE Lo the pace picks up considerably. The young man journey's back to his mother's village to confront his grandfather & his deadly henchmen. And by his side is the tiger...which shapeshifts into a powerful sorceress who uses spells to raise the dead & incantations to defeat her enemies. Don't say you weren't warned! Equally ambitious & awful.

Call me old fashioned but I prefer my Kung Fu pics not to have actors named 'Ralph' in the cast. It kills the mood faster than triple threat Paul DEATH MACHINES Kyriazi who wrote/directed/co-starred in this lively but confusing American martial arts adventure. Eric RING OF FIRE II: BLOOD & STEEL Lee plays the owner of a karate school who enlists his students as mercenaries to retrieve a relative from a gang operating out of San Francisco. Along the way they encounter sadistic bikers & even a pack of sword swinging female assassins laying in ambush in the hills over the city. Probably I wouldn't have hated it too, too much as a video store rental back in the day but it's aged badly and the choreography is surprisingly bland considering the odd mix of characters and weaponry.

BLOOD ON THE SUN was the directorial debut for both Ting SECRET OF THE CHINESE KUNG FU Mei Sung & Sheng-Yuan CHINESE KUNG FU & ACUPUNCTURE Sun the latter also providing the grim screenplay. During the occupation of China by the Japanese during WWII the provincials were reduced to slave labor and subjected to indiscriminate acts of rape & murder. Peng EAGLE CLAW VS BUTTERFLY PALM Tien & Ching-Ching THE SEISURE SOUL SWORD OF A BLIND GIRL Chang lead the resistance against the oppressors, defying the lock-downs & fighting back by any means fair or foul. Their ultimate goal is to defeat the enemy in a violent tournament which occupies the final third of this pedestrian beat-'em-up. My print is washed out, poorly dubbed & cropped for TV screens so maybe this plays better in it's original theatrical format but even taking that into consideration there's not much by way of grace or artistry to the combat. There are no fanciful touches or moments of levity to set it apart making for a very repetitious sit-through until the finale which is livelier but not necessarily better. Below average.

MY OWN PRIVATE IDAHO may be best remembered for the casting of River STAND BY ME Phoenix who died tragically outside a West Hollywood nightclub from a drug overdose not long after it's release. Rivers is superb as a narcoleptic male prostitute named Mike who's on a quest to find his mother who resides in Italy. Mike's best friend and occasional lover Scott is played by Keanu JOHN WICK CHAPTER 3: PARABELLUM Reeves. Scott is in reality the son of a wealthy businessman who dies a little every day knowing his heir is selling two kinds of crack on the streets of Portland, Oregon. I didn't think Reeve's was very good but he radiates charisma at times and deserves credit for accepting such a controversial role so early in his career. A host of wonderfully cast supporting players lent their talent to this surreal, mini-masterpiece including Udo PUPPET MASTER: THE LITTLEST REICH Kier, Grace TWIN PEAKS: THE RETURN Zabriskie, The Red Hot Chili Pepper's Flea, James DJANGO UNCHAINED Russo and Mickey HELLRAISER: BLOODLINE Cottrell as the numeric inclined Daddy Carroll! The cast is uniformly brilliant working from a script which borrows generously from MIDNIGHT COWBOY, HENRY IV, OLIVER! and even 2001: A SPACE ODDESSY. Gus PSYCHO Van Sant displays the kind of confidence as a director that will remind you of Spielberg, Bogdanovich or even Orson Wells early in their careers. It's unquestionably his best film and ESSENTIAL viewing within the gay community. Connoisseurs of cult cinema will find much to love and admire.

Roger Ebert named EXTREMITIES one of the Worst Films of 1986. I hated him a little for that but after Farrah THE BURNING BED Fawcett's death he redeemed himself by expressing his outrage at the Academy for deliberately omitting her from the 'In Memorandum' segment on Oscar night 2010. This strong adaption of William SINATRA Mastrosimone's play is a testament to her ability as an actress, It's one hell of a performance and she carries the dramatic weight every minute she's on screen without falter. One night, Marjorie (Fawcett) is attacked by a rapist but survives the assault only to be confronted with the frightening truth that the L.A. police are powerless to do anything about it. Later, while her roommates (Diana MOMMIE DEAREST Scarwid, Alfre DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES Woodard) are away the stalker returns to finisher her off. James DJANGO UNCHAINED Russo & Fawcett share an unusual chemistry that's so tangible you can almost reach out and touch it. What's unusual is the strength of their repulsion which some attribute to the actors contempt for one another off camera. Whatever works. As Marjorie is tortured and tormented director Robert DOMINICK & EUGENE Young keeps this from wallowing in the same cinematic muck as garbage like I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE because the home invasion is so believable. The threat is real & the confrontation only escalates when her roommates unexpectedly return. Fawcett (who originated the part on stage) earned herself a well-deserved nomination for best Actress at the Golden Globes.

Cillian BATMAN BEGINS Murphy plays an astrophysicist named Capa on board the Icarus II who hopes to re-ignite the dying sun in the year 2057. The Icarus II carries a payload of nukes the size of Manhattan as did the original Icarus mission launched seven years prior. The ship under the command of Captain Pinbacker (Mark SHAZAM! Strong) lost contact with Earth before it could complete it's task. Tension mounts on board the rescue vessel as a series of accidents threaten their slim possibility of success. When the Icarus I is discovered in a low orbit around the sun crewmates played by Chris CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR Evans & Rose X-MEN: APOCAYPSE Byrne agree with Capa their only hope may be docking with the ship to take advantage of it's explosive capability and use whatever air remains to keep themselves alive. Unbeknownst to the crew of the Icarus II the slightly cooked and completely insane Captain Pinbacker is still alive and determined to doom our world to a frozen Hell. He believes his last 7 years were spent in conversation with God & that it's his duty to murder the heroic astronauts. The junk science behind the death of the star is forgivable up to a point. The action is thrilling and the special effects are dazzling. But the minute the script deviates from a disaster formula not unlike THE CORE into an ALIEN rip off the illusion of credibility is lost. I didn't hate it but it's only slightly above average.

Legendary Canadian Animation house Nelvana produced the wonderful musical fantasy under the direction of studio founder Clive Smith who many remember for the short-lived AMAZING STORIES spin-off FAMILY DOG. This would be their 1st theatrical feature sandwiched between releases such as HEAVY METAL, Ralph Bakashi's AMERICAN POP & Disney's 44 million dollar flop THE BLACK CAULDRON. 300 animators worked tirelessly on the film over a period of 4 years at a cost of 8 million dollars nearly bankrupting everyone involved. ROCK & RULE was a labor of love. Don MY BLOODY VALENTINE Francks provides the speaking voice for Mok; a badly aging glam rocker of the far apocalyptic future who needs someone capable of singing a demon into our dimension. That ability is out of his vocal range. The inhabitants of Nuke York are adorable & cuddly looking (mostly...) 'toons descended from rats, cats, dogs etc & live their colorful lives much as we did. Greg KATE & ALLIE Salata provides the vocals for a bass player/lead singing of a rock band. In the American print distributed by MGM that speaking voice has been dubbed by Paul THE BURNING BED Le Mat & the salty language Omar lets fly in the Canadian version has been censored to make ROCK & RULE even more kid friendly. Omar's a bit of a chauvinist and reluctant to share the musical stage with his pretty girlfriend Angel. Mok however can't wait to mike her knowing that not only can she sing a monster into our world she'll also serve as a perfect sacrifice to seal his unholy dealings. Prolific voice actress Susan RABID Roman lent her talent to the character while Debbie Harry of Blondie brings Angel to life musically. Lou Reed & Iggy SID AND NANCY Pop sang as Mok & Robin Zander of Cheap Trick offered his services as Omar. Earth, Wind & Fire rounded out the respectable musical cast of this fondly remembered genuine cult item which was picked up for distribution in the US. In a disheartening twist, MGM who built their reputation from dozens of classic musicals dating back to the golden age of Hollywood dropped the ball when it came to the audio components. The music in the american cut sounds a bit more like Saturday morning TV than the original print where you can hear the songs as they were intended to be heard by the artists who performed them. Why listen to me quibble? Decide for yourself. Check them both out!

Jamie THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 2 Foxx delivers the performance of a lifetime as Django; a former slave who creates an elaborate con to swindle the freedom of his wife Broomhilda (Kerry FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER Washington) who is the property of a sadistic master known for feeding disobedient slaves to the dogs & forcing the healthier specimens to wrestle to the death in 'mandingo fights'. Fearing for the immediate safety of his wife at either the hands of plantation owner Calvin Candle (Leonardo TITANIC DiCaprio) or his treacherous man-servant Steven (Samuel PULP FICTION Jackson) Django and his business partner Dr. Schultz (Christoph INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS Waltz) make their move while a blood-soaked double cross in the last act may ultimately prove to be all their undoing. The 1st rate cast is suitably augmented with a host of supporting players including Don MIAMI VICE Johnson, Tm CREEPSHOW Savini and original DJANGO star Franco Nero. Writer/director Quentin Tarantino has crafted another masterpiece woven from his eclectic cinematic tastes and spot on pop culture riffs. The roughness of the material may have hurt DJANGO UNCHAINED on Oscar night with many reserved voters flinching away from the subject matter. Waltz & Tarantino received Oscars for Best Supporting Actor & Best Original Screenplay while the other white artists were nominated for Best Editing, Best Cinematography & Best Picture.

There was only ever one sequel to the 1966 spaghetti western classic DJANGO and that was 1987s DJANGO STRIKES BACK both starring Franco Nero. Director Ferdinando COMIN' AT YA! Baldi & original DJANGO scribe Franco Rossetti intended DJANGO, PREPARE A COFFIN to be a formal sequel and it would have been had Nero agreed to make the picture. Popular actor Terence THEY CALL ME TRINITY Hill ably fills Nero's cowboy boots as the iconic gunslinger in this entertaining & well-cast sorta'-sequel. While robbing a stagecoach carrying a shipment of gold the anti-hero is double-crossed by his partner Dave (Horst THE CAT O'NINE TAILS Frank) & his henchman Lucas (George ANTROPOPAGUS Eastman) & left for dead. DJANGO devises a plan to take back his gold from the traitor who has the wealth and power to execute any man in town who stands against him. Disguised as a hangman DJANGO spares the lives of the of the men Dave has ordered to swing at the end of a rope provided they join forces with him. One of the men he saves (Jose DJANGO DEFIES SARTANA Torres) is planning to stab DJANGO in the back first chance he gets forcing his lusty wife (Bruna AGENT 3S3: PASSPORT TO HELL Simionato) to choose which man she'd like to see walk away when the dust settles. Of the scores of DJANGO knock offs floating around out there, DJANGO, PREPARE A COFFIN ranks as one of the best.

Growing up gay I tended to be more forgiving of the ugly stereotypes on film and television because back then it was usually tacky or nothing. SE SEI VIVO SPARA (aka: IF YOU LIVE, SHOOT!, aka: DJANGO KILL!) featured an entire gang of rape-happy, gay, Mexican cowboys AND featured bisexual actor Thomas AMISTAD Milian as 'The Man With No Name'! Yippie Ki Yay is what prepubescent me had to say to that. This Man With No Name (unrelated to Clint Eastwood or the character of DJANGO in the 1966 spaghetti western of the same name) is rescued from certain death by an Indian tribe after being double crossed and left for dead while jacking a shipment of gold. He saddles up & rides into the surreal Town With No Name where he must navigate the dangerous factions he finds there in order to recover his stolen loot. Milo DJANGO DOES NOT FORGIVE Quesada co-stars as the villainous Bill Temple whose hot-to-trot wife Fiory (Marilu MESSALINA VS THE SON OF HERCULES Tolo) & homophobic son Evan (Italian pop star Ray THE CASSANDRA CROSSING Lovelock) lend some off-beat sexual intrigue to the mix as does the treacherous Anderson (Franco THE HANDS OF A GUNFIGHTER Sanz) who offers The Man With No Name the sexual services of his insane wife who he keeps locked away in a room upstairs. This outrageous western happily incorporates horror movie cliches better suited to Grade Z material like THE BLOOD FROM DRACULA'S CASTLE & a few trippy visuals to further liven things up. Gilio DEATH LAID AN EGG Questi wrote/directed this off-the-beaten-path cult item with a scripting assist from Franco ONCE UPON A TIME IN AMERICA Artcalli. The original 2 hour cut was almost immediately pulled from distribution & butchered down to 95 minutes & re-released as an unofficial sequel to DJANGO. Cult movie enthusiasts may want to have a look.

Neil THE COMPANY OF WOLVES Jordan wrote/directed this gender bending drama about an IRA terrorist (Academy Award nominated actor Stephen SISTERS Rhea) who's taken a black soldier hostage. The intention of the group led by Miranda HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE Richardson's Jude is to stage Jody's public execution. The captive (played by Forest ROGUE ONE Whitaker) forms a bond with Fergus sharing stories of his girlfriend; Dil. After Jody's accidental death while attempting to escape the terrorists, Fergus honors his friend's last wish & pays Dil a social visit. Jaye STARGATE Davidson (who also received an Oscar nomination in the category of Best Supporting Actor) starred as the beautiful transvestite Jody was dating. By the time Fergus clues in that Dil's really a pecker-packer he's already a little bit in love which could pose a problem as Jude is on her way to kill them both. This low budget British film became an instant classic & pop culture flashpoint thanks largely to Davidson's immaculate, star-making performance as a lovely, young woman. THE CRYING GAME; as great as it is, wouldn't have worked with a lesser talent. THE CRYING GAME also earned Oscar nominations for Best Film Editing, Best Director, Best Picture and Best Screenplay which Jordan deservedly won. Boy George's soulful cover of the 1964 Dave Barry hit which plays over the end credits topped charts around the world. Essential viewing.

FIRST MAN INTO SPACE was a B-Movie co-production between England's Amalgamated Productions & American studio MGM who contributed the lion's share (< see what I did there?) of it's $100,000 budget. Hot-shot pilot Lt. Dan Prescott (Bill TORA! TORA! TORA! Edwards) is determined to be the FIRST MAN INTO SPACE despite the concerns of his brother Commander Charles Prescott (Marshall IT! THE TERROR FROM BEYOND SPACE Thompson). The friction between the brothers may have something to do with Italian actress Marla THE HOUND OF THE BASKERVILLES Landi who plays Dan's lover; Tia Franchesca. Early into the mission Dan is bombarded with cosmic rays & meteor dust forcing him to eject as his rocket plummets back to earth. As Charles and Tia console one another reports emerge of a strange meteorite encrusted monster roaming the streets in search of blood. This forgettable & forgotten B&W sci-fi cheapie was flatly directed by Robert CORRIDORS OF BLOOD Day based on a script by John GRIP OF THE STRANGLER Croydon, Charles DEVIL DOLL Vetter & Wyott ROBOT MONSTER Ordung.

Poverty row studio; Producers Releasing Corporation made this B&W exploitation pic as a warning to parents about the dangers of street racing from writer/director Crane THE BAT Wilber. Egged on by their scantily clad girlfriends (Sue TEENAGE CRIME WAVE England, Terry MIGHTY JOE YOUNG Moore) best friends Micky Clark (Darryl THE STRANGE LOVES OF MARTHA IVERS Hickman) & Todd Powell (Robert HELLCATS OF THE NAVY Arthur) engage in a series of illegal drag races to the consternation of local police. Their scandalous behaviour eventually turns to tragedy when Micky accidentally runs over his own mother! Director Wilber's real-life wife Lenita Lane played the ill-fated Mrs. Clark in this turgid, teenage melodrama. THE DEVIL ON WHEELS may be best remembered for allowing it's young starlets to wear bikini tops which censors only permitted because it was promoted as an 'educational film'. Snippets of this would be recycled for 1950s HOT ROD.

BELA LUGOSI MEETS A BROOKLYN GORILLA director 'One Shot' William Beaudine helmed this bland romance for poverty row studio Producers Releasing Corporation. Virginia HER JUNGLE LOVER Vale plays the heiress to a tire manufacturing fortune who returns to America after establishing herself on the race car circuit in Europe. Robert THE PHANTOM CREEPS Kent becomes a rival on the track and soon thereafter; a rival for her affections. Overlong at only 67 minutes. B&W.

Rowdy Roddy HELL COMES TO FROGTOWN Piper is a terrible actor but he excels when it comes to physical combat. When he's in action you can't take your eyes off him and JUNGLEGROUND gives the late WWE wrestler an opportunity to shine. Piper plays an under-cover cop named Jake who goes up against a wild assortment of murderous goons called The Ragarockers led by a sadistic villain calling himself; Odin. Odin (J.R. GINGER SNAPS BACK: THE BEGINNING Bourne) has taken Jake's girlfriend (Torri STONEHENGE APOCALYPSE Higgins) hostage but promises to set both free provided he can survive one night on Ragnarocker turf. What follows is your standard THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME/ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK knock off courtesy of screenwriter Michael SHADOW BUILDER Stokes but what sets it apart is Piper's natural ability to sell the material. He goes full on beast mode like he's in an extreme rules battle royal using any and every weapon he can lay his hands on to annihilate his equally savage enemies. Rachael SAW 3D: THE FINAL CHAPTER Wilson is also very charismatic as a young hooker helping Jake navigate the death traps & ambushes ahead. This gory (but not gruesome) direct-to-video offering was from one-time director Dan Allen who really should have made a lot more.

STONEHENGE APOCALYPSE was a Canadian-made TV movie from writer/director Paul Ziller who's highest profile work was probably the disappointing 2012 remake of THE PHILADELPHIA EXPERIMENT. When a mysterious Egyptian chamber in England is unearthed by archiologists, Stonehenge crackles to unexpected life blasting the planet with an electro-magnetic pulse awakening ancient pyramids around the globe. Doomsday cultists and the military close in as volcanos erupt transforming our atmosphere into a poisonous cloud threatening all life on earth. The junk science sinks like a stone; weighed down by cripplingly bad CG special effects & not one second of it's believable. A large ensemble led by SUPERNATURAL star Misha Collins & Torri STORM OF THE CENTURY Higgleston tries their best but are defeated every step of the way by sloppy production design. Lowly even by the subterranean standard of SyFy TV movies.

I'm giving IMMORTALS an additional star just for those breath-taking CG special effects which which must have been dazzling on theater screens in the 3D format. Hundreds of programmers worked on this 150 million dollar sword and sorcery epic informally based on Greek mythology (particularly Theseus & the Titans) and each deserves a standing ovation for their contributions to IMMORTALS which would have sunk like a stone without. IMMORTALS was directed by Tarsem Singh who I only know from that catchy R.E.M. music video Losing My Religion & was based on a screenplay by brothers Charley & Vlas Parlapanides who made the recent Netflix cartoon BLOOD OF ZEUS. It was influenced by the success of Zack Snyder's 300 & the 2010 hit CLASH OF THE TITANS going as far as to cast closety 'Clash' actor Luke Evan as Zeus who descends to the mortal plain disguised as an old man to mentor a fearless warrior named Theseus who he has chosen to be his champion. Veteran character actor John FRANKENSTEIN UNBOUND Hurt plays Zeus in human form with handsome Henry BATMAN V SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE Cavill breathing life into the part of Theseus. King Hyperion (the awesome Mickey THE WRESTLER Rourke) slaughters everyone in Theseus' village except those suited to live out their lives as slaves. While Zeus has forbidden the Gods of Olympus from interceding on his champion's behalf a virgin oracle (Freida RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES Pinto) has a vision of Theseus discovering the fabled Bow of Epirus. Hyperion has spent his villainous life searching for the weapon because it can release the Titans he needs to overthrow the reign of the Greek Gods. The Oracle & a thief named Stavros (Stephen LEATHERFACE Dorff) engineer Theseus' escape from Hyperion's prison & quest to find the Bow with the King's Minotaur (Former WWE superstar Kurrgan) in hot pursuit. The protracted finale featuring the blood-drenched battle between the Gods of Olympus & the savage Titans & the duel to the death between Theseus & Hyperion is a show-stopping sight to behold! Despite it's undeniable visual power & magnificent cast IMMORTALS barely scraped even at the box office & contributed to the bankruptcy of production house Relativity Media in 2015.

The late Paul THE SKULLS Walker & Steve SAHARA Zahn play homophobic brothers Lewis & Fuller who bait a trucker named Rusty Nails over the CB radio into a fake date with an old racist man who offended them earlier in the evening. When the old man from the motel room next door is mutilated & left for dead the boys make a bee-line for the border to pick up Lewis' girlfriend Venna (Leelee IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE Sobieski). Unfortunately for the trio, Rusty is the kind of psychopath who neither eats, sleeps or takes bathroom breaks for days at a stretch while stalking the attractive cast relentlessly from inside the cabin of his eighteen wheeler. The always reliable J.J. FELICITY Abrams polished the script by Clay DODGEBALL 2 Tarver for director John Dahl who's career highlights include episodes of DEXTER and RAY DONOVAN. JOY RIDE reminded me instantly of Steven Spielberg's DUEL, THE HITCHER and the obscure French-Canadian thriller THE PHONE CALL which starred Michael Sarrazin as a homophobic man whose rude behavior invites the ire of a stalker. JOY RIDE isn't as good as any of those movies but it works thanks to it's loud, suspenseful soundtrack & the always fearsome sight of a thunderous, smoke billowing, impossibly agile big rig...provided you're willing to turn your brain off for 90 minutes and go along for the ride. Followed by two direct-to-video sequels in 2008 & 2014.

Alfred Hitchcock said; The better the villain, the better the movie. Mostly, the villain in the 1st JOY RIDE was a big rig patterned closely after the classic tv movie DUEL and not so much the barely seen driver (Rusty Nails) who was ably voice acted by Ted Levine. Rusty is the main protagonist this time & although he mostly keeps to the shadows it's clear Mark CHRISTMAS HOMECOMING Gibbon is nothing more than a countrified, monosyllabic goon. A couple of sisters ((Laura THR3E Jordan, Nicki JEEPERS CREEPERS 2 Aycox) hook up with their boyfriends (Kyle BIG SKY Schmid, Nick DC'S LEGENDS OF TOMORROW Zano) on their way to Vegas but become stranded in the desert when their car breaks down. They break into the deserted ranch owned by serial killer slash trucker Rusty Nails & steal his tarped car to go for help. What follows is pretty much what you'd expect from director Louis THE HITCHER II: I'VE BEEN WAITING Morneau & writers James THE HOWLING REBORN Johnson & Bennett DUMB AND DUMBERER TOO: WHEN HARRY MET LLOYD Yellin. Rusty stalks the young, attractive cast from his 18 wheeler playing a cruel game of Simon Says barking orders like 'Take off your clothes', 'Cut off a finger' & 'Dress like a girl' over the CB radio while the cast waits to be kidnapped, tortured, threatened with sexual mutilation and murdered. JOY RIDE 2: DEAD AHEAD is more obnoxious than scary and shifting the focus to Rusty was a huge mistake given that it's a voice acted role & he's not been given a quotable line to say in the entire movie. Followed by JOY RIDE 3: ROADKILL.

There are certain things you should never buy at the dollar store...condoms, bread so sketchy even pigeons won't eat it and movies. Especially this movie. JACK THE GIANT KILLER was a shameless rip off of Bryan Singer's 185 million dollar flop JACK THE GIANT SLAYER from poverty row studio The Asylum. Jack (Jamie Atkins) takes time from constructing a robot that looks like it's made of spray-painted styrofoam to buy some magic beans. The beans sprout into a giant stalk stretching up to the clouds as per the fairy tale but what he find there are sloppily rendered CG dinosaurs built from leftover or recycled code from other equally bad Asylum mockbusters. When Jack hurries back to his village the monsters give chase and the military is called in but are powerless to prevent the off-camera destruction. The only reason I'm not giving this DOG the DOG rating it deserves is for the casting of Ben DARK SHADOWS Cross & Jane COLOR OF NIGHT Marsh who deserve a lot better than what writer/director Mark EMPIRE OF THE SHARKS Atkins gave them to work with.